


Your Story Shines In Your Eyes

by Grey_alltheway



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: AU, Angst, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, More angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-06-28 17:36:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 94,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15711876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grey_alltheway/pseuds/Grey_alltheway
Summary: "Turn your scars into stars."  - Robert H. SchullerBefore Cosima there was someone who helped her mend; and then Cosima helped her shine.





	1. The Baseline

**Author's Note:**

> I'm quite excited about this piece, I hope you guys will like it and look forward to the next chapters :)

Delphine sighed as she glanced at her watch, drumming her fingers on the steering wheel nervously. She was late. She hated being late. But it was one of those mornings in which she snoozed her clock one too many times and when she finally got up, she realized she had about a half hour to get to work. 

The hospital where she was working at as a pediatric doctor wasn’t far away from her flat, but the traffic at this point was killer. 

It was her first year as an attending at the Saint Helena Hospital and so far she’d been doing great. She’d chosen this job because she loved healing people, taking care of them. The children all loved her too. She already had a good reputation on her name and people spoke only good things of her. 

She sighed in relief when she finally parked her car. With one last glance at the clock before getting out, she figured that it could’ve been worse. 

She walked in through the big entrance doors, her heels marching on the glistering floors. “Dr. Cormier!” She heard a voice behind her as she was hurrying to the elevator. 

Turning her head, she saw the chief of the hospital approaching her, a clipboard in his hand. _Merde_ , she thought. _I’ll never snooze my clock again._

“Good morning, sir,” she said, somewhat anxiously. “I know I’m late, I-“ 

“Oh, no, don’t worry about that. We’re all late sometimes, we just have to be careful to not let it happen all the time,” he said benevolently, smiling politely at her. “Besides, you’re one of our most promising doctors around here, so I can let one occasion slip.” 

“Oh,” she said, starting to blush, “thank you, Chief, but I don’t think-“ 

“I do. And I need you to believe in yourself too. I have a favor to ask of you.” 

“Sure, anything,” she said as the elevator doors opened and they got in. 

“I need you to do a consult,” he said, pausing for a second, “on a very close friend. She’s 17 and she’s pregnant. She’s… like my daughter, if you will.” 

“Oh, congratulations!” She said, smiling, but then her smile dropped as the Chief’s dead serious eyes focused on her. “Or… not congratulations?” 

“Honestly, I don’t know either,” he said as the doors opened again. “She’s 6 months pregnant now and she’s had this pain in her stomach for a while now. I want you to do a consult.” 

“Of course, just give me a minute to change,” she said, stopping in front of the attendings lounge.

He nodded, giving her the clipboard. “This is her chart. Read it over and I’ll see you in her room.” 

Delphine hurried in to drop her things. 

“Good morning, Delphine,” greeted Chase, one of her fellow attending. 

He was somewhat… into her. Or at least she thought; all the invitations for drinks and coffee and dreamy eyes were signs to her. 

“Hey, morning,” she smiled briefly as she took on her white coat, hanging her stethoscope around her neck in a hurry. 

“Rough morning?” he asked. 

She stopped in the middle of her actions. “Kind of; is it that visible?” she said as she ran a hand through her hair. 

“Oh no, no, not at all,” he answered quickly. “You… you look great; it’s just that you’re… you’re late and uhm… you’re never late. But you look just fine, don’t worry.” The words rolled out of his mouth quickly, almost confusing Delphine. 

Picking up the patient’s chart she was handed, she headed towards the exit, giving Chase that irresistible smile of hers. “Thanks Chase. Have a nice day!” 

“You too,” he said, but she was already out the door. 

As she hurried down the hallways to the patient’s room, greeting everybody on her way, doctors, nurses or surgeons, even patients, she arrived quickly. She liked smiling to everyone, raising the atmosphere, especially since they were in a hospital. 

“Good morning,” she said as she entered the room. Besides the Chief and the patient, there was one more women; she was in her 30s, her brown hair tied in a ponytail. 

“Dr. Cormier, this is Alison Hendrix, and her daughter, Brook.” 

“Pleased to meet you,” Delphine said as she extended her hand to Alison. 

“Likewise,” Alison said, shaking her hand and smiling in a more withdrawn way than Delphine. 

“And Brook, I hear you’re 6 months pregnant, almost 7. How’s the pregnancy?” Delphine asked as she sat down next to Brook’s bed. 

“Tough,” she said, “but I think it’ll be worth it.” She smiled. 

Alison snorted. “You should’ve done the thinking before you got into bed with that… boyfriend of yours.” 

“Mom, we’re serious. We talked about this. We know it’s too soon, but we’ve decided. This is happening.” 

“He’s not even here! How serious is he about this if he’s not even next to you when you need him?” 

“He’s in _school_ , mom,” Brook replied as Delphine was examining her stomach. 

“Yes, where you should both be, and not in a hospital getting check-ups for your pregnancy,” Alison shot back. 

Brook closed her eyes, shaking her head. 

“So, Dr. Cormier,” Alison shifted her head to the blonde who was done with examining her and now was writing the diagnosis. “What’s your specialty?” 

“I’m a pediatric doctor,” Delphine said. 

“So you shouldn’t exactly be examining me. I mean I’m almost an adult,” Brook said. 

“Barely,” Alison murmured. 

“Until you’re 18 you still go to pediatric doctors for any problems; well, for most of them. For example, I’m not the doctor who’s monitoring your pregnancy and your baby.” 

“Speaking of which, where is Cosima?” Brook asked, now turning her head to the Chief. 

“That is a good question, Brook. But you should remember she isn’t allowed to be your doctor.” 

As Brook opened her mouth to argue, a dreadlocked woman about Delphine’s age ran into the room, her coat barely hanging on her shoulders. 

“Morning, people,” she said, maybe a bit too loudly. Everyone turned her attention to her and she seemed slightly embarrassed. 

“Late again, Cosima?” Alison asked, her eyes judging her. 

“I’m so sorry, Chief. It won’t happen again,” she said, fixing her coat and glasses. 

“That’s what you said the last three times as well,” he said. 

Everyone laughed besides Cosima, who looked down, ashamed. She was a new figure to Delphine. She hadn’t seen her around, but this name, Cosima, it kept on ringing in her ears. It sounded familiar; Cosima… Cosima… 

_Cosima Niehaus! She’s a gynecologist._

__

She remembered looking over her colleagues’ names before starting to work alongside them. 

__

Cosima looked at everyone in the room and when her eyes landed on Delphine, she seemed a bit puzzled, like she was trying to figure out where to place her. “I don’t think we’ve met yet. I’m Cosima Niehaus-“ 

__

“Gynecology? We haven’t met yet, but I’m pleased to,” Delphine said. “Delphine Cormier, pediatric doctor.” 

__

Cosima nodded, smiling. 

__

“My sister is a quite a good doctor, but even better at being messy; especially in thought,” Alison said. 

__

“Okay, being late doesn’t characterize you as ‘messy’. A little disorganized, sure,” she said, glaring at her sister. “And how are you, Brook?” Cosima asked, changing the subject. 

__

“I feel just fine now. But I think Dr. Cormier was about to tell us what’s wrong with me, right?” she said and everybody now shifted their eyes on Delphine. 

__

“Well, there’s nothing wrong with you. Your vitals and your blood results are just fine as I see from the chart. Your stomach doesn’t have any fluid accumulations; it’s most likely just pregnancy discomfort.” 

__

“Can you check up on that, Aunt Cosima?” Brook asked with a hopeful look. “On my pregnancy?” 

__

“No, unfortunately she can’t, because she’s family, and you know that. You know we don’t allow family to work on patients,” the Chief repeated the rule once more. 

__

“I know, I know,” Brook said, looking down, disappointed. 

__

“Well, maybe I could just… I could consult her,” Cosima said to the Chief. “Nothing more.” 

__

He looked pretty unconvinced, but then nodded at last. 

__

“Right, so page me if there are any changes,” Delphine said as she got up from the chair, making place for Cosima. 

__

“We will,” Cosima said. “It was nice meeting you,” she said, smiling at her. 

__

“You too,” Delphine replied. “Have a nice day.” 

__

As she looked in her agenda at the patients she had today, she noticed there were many. The first consult was in an hour, so even if she had run late, at least she didn’t make any patients wait. 

__

Grabbing a coffee, she sat down in the lounge to complete some of her charts and get up to date with some of her new ones. 

__

Time was flying when she was at work. It always did. So by the time her coffee was almost finished, she glanced at her clock, noticing it was time to go for her consults. Only then she heard the voice calling her name. 

__

“Hey, Delphine!” When she jolted her head up, her long-time friend was watching her with a strange look. 

__

“Oh, bonjour! Didn’t see you there, Chelsea,” she said, smiling warmly to her friend. 

__

“Yeah, obviously,” Chelsea said as she sat down at the table next to her. “I called your name a few times before you finally heard me.” 

__

“Sorry, I was pretty into the work here,” she said, looking down at the papers that were now scattered all over the table. She started gathering them as Chelsea laughed. 

__

“Charting? Oh, it looks thrilling! Save me a few, will you?” She joked in her prominent British accent. She was born in Nottingham, but then she moved to Canada to go to university. 

__

“Rude,” Delphine said. “Unlike others, I love my work in its entirety,” she added. 

__

“Oh, that’s why you were late this morning?” 

__

Delphine shot her a serious look. 

__

“Look, I’m joking, it’s really good that you love your job so much. I mean, that’s why you chose it, right?” 

__

“Exactly,” Delphine said, standing up. 

__

“Hey, do you have some time today to help me with something?” Chelsea asked, somewhat insecurely. If there was one thing that characterized Chelsea, that was her confidence. Chelsea was never insecure. 

__

“Sure; is it another outfit for a date you need to pick?” Delphine asked, joking. 

__

“Not this time,” she said, giggling nervously. “It’s something a bit more serious.” 

__

Delphine’s smile flushed. “Is everything okay?” 

__

“Yeah, totally. Don’t worry; just call me when you’re finished,” Chelsea said. 

__

“Sure,” Delphine told her. “See you later, then.” 

__

“Go make the world a better place, Dr. Cormier!” she said as she left the lounge. 

__

Delphine laughed as she picked the charts she needed. 

__

She went through her consults over the day, keeping her smile up for all the kids. No matter how serious their problems were, her smile reassured them that they shouldn’t give up. They’d fight through the illness and they would win. 

__

It helped them a lot to hear these words, even if they were young. After all, when you’re young you don’t perceive the news in the same ways adults do, but positive, uplifting words always betters the situation. 

__

It was near 8 o’clock when she entered the last examining room for the day and spotted a familiar face. 

__

“Well hello again, Dr. Cormier,” the dreadlocked gynecologist smiled. 

__

“Dr. Niehaus,” she said. “And you must be Ms. Johnson. Due in a few days,” she added as she looked at the monitor Cosima was working on. 

__

“Yeah, but call me Natalie,” the patient said, smiling. “Such pretty doctors in this hospital,” she stated confidently. 

__

Both Delphine and Cosima laughed. “Thank you, Natalie, but I thought you were committed,” Cosima pointed out. 

__

“Yeah, we broke up not long ago,” she said, lacking any remorse or regret in her tone. 

__

“So now you’re shamelessly flirting with doctors? Trying out your luck?” Cosima asked. 

__

“No, I actually decided I needed some time alone. Take care of my baby,” Natalie said as she glanced at the monitor. “But I generally compliment people… I like appreciating the beauty in people.” 

__

Delphine smiled, and pushing through her shyness, she told her the birthing plan. “So after you’ll start having closer contractions, we’ll take you up to the OR. Dr. Niehaus will help you deliver and I’ll take your baby to the NICU after that to check up on him or her.” 

__

“The NICU?” Natalie asked, her face confused. 

__

“Natal Intensive Care Unit,” both Cosima and Delphine said at the same time. They glanced at each other. 

__

“Okay, then, sounds good,” Natalie said. “Oh and Dr. Cormier?” 

__

“Yes?” 

__

“Hope it’s not too obtrusive or anything, but I have a background question. Your accent is French but where are you from exactly?” 

__

“Well, I was born here in Montréal,” Delphine told her. She got that question a lot, what with her accent and all. 

__

Natalie nodded, asking Cosima, “And you’re from San Francisco, right?” 

__

“Yep, San Fran,” she said, chuckling. 

__

“Besides appreciating the beauty in people, I also like knowing them,” Natalie said matter-of-factly. “The world is just such a diverse and complex place, don’t you think?” Delphine nodded, but Cosima said, “I’m starting to think you’re actually an FBI agent, and not an expectant mother.” 

__

“I just like people,” she said defensively. “Though I might be who knows?” 

__

“I’ll check on you later, okay?” Cosima asked. 

__

Natalie nodded, showing a thumbs-up to her. 

__

“Dr. Cormier? May I have a word?” Cosima said once they were out the patient’s room. 

__

“Sure, what’s the problem?” 

__

“I was thinking I should do a C-section. It depends of course on the circumstances before and while labor, but I think it’d be safer for her.” 

__

Delphine looked puzzled. “Why should we open her up if she has no problems with delivering?” 

__

“Many women say so, and then complications occur and we have to open them up anyway, therefore putting them through two tough roads instead of just one.” 

__

“So you’re saying you should go with a C-section from the beginning?” 

__

“Pretty much, yes,” Cosima nodded. “Look, we’ll obviously wait until she gets into labor and I’ll talk to her until then, but I need your consent, since you’re also on the case.” 

__

“We’ll see then,” Delphine said, rather unsatisfied with Cosima’s plans. “Have a nice evening, Dr. Niehaus.” 

__

“You too,” Cosima smiled and they each went on their ways. 

__

As she opened her phone she remembered about Chelsea’s request. 

__

Pressing her number, she picked up after a couple of rings. “Hey there, Frenchie.” 

__

“Chelsea, I finished, where can I meet you?” 

__

“Exam room 1B, please, Dr. Cormier,” she said, her smile audible on her voice. 

__

“Be right there,” Delphine said, some kind of a worry filling her thoughts. 

__

As she hurried to the exam room all kinds of bad scenarios came to her head; several of them were even impossible, but the mind does terrific work when under pressure. 

__

Opening the door, she found Chelsea sitting on a chair, looking at some files. 

__

“Who’s the one charting now?” Delphine asked her friend as she closed the door behind her. 

__

Chelsea laughed, but she corrected her. “I’m studying it.” 

__

Delphine noticed all kinds of X-rays pinned on the lit up monitors, another pile of papers on the table in front of Chelsea. They were head CTs, all showing a cancerous mass from different angles. 

__

“Whose are these?” 

__

Chelsea’s smile gradually left her face. 

__

“Whose are these?” Delphine repeated the question. As she picked up on of the files on top of file, she froze as she read the name of the patient and the diagnosis. 

__


	2. The Dream Team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Delphine and Cosima work on their first case together and Delphine learns about the other woman's complex and lively personality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who's read the first chapter, to everyone who's left kudos and (really nice and encouraging) comments! They're a big support, and I'm happy to be able to post more of this story. I'd like to upload as regularly as I can, every week. The days might differ by one or such, in case I'm not able to post that exact day (the first chapter was posted on a Thursday, so I'll try to keep it like that whenever I can). Having said that, I hope you enjoy the next chapter :)

She met Chelsea in college. She was her roommate. She’d been pretty anxious regarding her roommate; she always considered it a weird experience. If only you could choose your roommate, but you were placed with some stranger who might as well be the most different person from you. Getting used to a stranger’s habits and caprices shouldn’t be your problem, but it becomes so because there isn’t really another way. 

But she got lucky with Chelsea. She’d been nice and respectful with her. They became friends easily, faster than she had expected. They weren’t exactly interested in the same things, but they introduced new concepts to each other, therefore building common interest points. 

They also earned a lot about each other in the first weeks; they both wanted to become pediatric doctors. They had similar taste in music and films, though very different opinions; quite controversial, actually. They’d sometimes debate their arguments, but never fight. They agreed there was no use for that. 

More than that, Chelsea helped her fight her self-harming habits. She never told anyone about it. And when Chelsea found out, she helped her get through it. She was never grossed out or horrified by Delphine’s vices. 

And now they were working together in the same hospital, on the same floor and they became closer than Delphine could’ve ever imagined. They were like sisters. They knew everything about each other, nothing slipped away. 

That’s why when she saw her name on the files in front of her she felt her heart sink. 

“Chelsea…” Delphine couldn’t find the right words. She couldn’t find any type of words. 

As she turned the first page, she saw several blood tests and doctor’s diagnoses. Raising her head, she studied the CT scans and the MRIs visible on the monitors. 

She took a step forward, distancing herself from the desk; her eyes were glued to the X-rays. She examined every bit and part of them. 

It took her a while to process it, to process how serious it was. To wrap her head around how this had come to be. Thinking of Chelsea’s healthy, fit lifestyle and her all-time positive attitude, she simply couldn’t believe it. She didn’t want to believe it. She was in denial. 

Blinking the tears away from her eyes, she finally found her voice. “When did you find out?” 

“I took these two weeks ago, a week ago and today,” Chelsea told her, showing each of them in turn. Her voice wasn’t broken. Despite what these scans showed, she wasn’t sad. Delphine’s eyes moved slowly, studying and comparing them. 

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Delphine said finally turning to face her. 

“I wanted to be sure it was a brain tumor.” Chelsea stood up and walked to Delphine, positioning herself in front of her. “Listen, it’s not bad yet. It’s the first stage. We can fix it. I’ll be fine.” 

Hearing her say these words, Delphine’s eyes watered more and more until her vision was blurry and she had to look away from Chelsea’s calm expression. 

“Hey,” Chelsea said, taking Delphine’s hands, “look at me.” 

Delphine’s head dropped, facing the floor. Her tears trickled down her cheeks. 

“ _Look at me._ "

Raising her head, she wiped her tears. 

“I spotted it early enough. I’ll have someone do a biopsy, we’ll find out how serious this is. I’ll take chemo, I’ll have surgery until I’m better, until I’m fixed.” 

Delphine wrapped her arms around the other woman, hugging her tightly. She knew this must be hard on Chelsea, but at the moment it felt like she was the sick one, that she needed the support. 

“We’ll get through this,” Delphine said. “We’ll get you better and you’ll live through this. You just fight; fight like hell to survive. Fight because you’re not finished, do you hear me? You’re not finished.” 

She felt Chelsea nod, burying her head deeper in Delphine’s neck. 

-.-.-.- 

The next morning when Delphine’s clock ringed, she immediately remembered the last time she snoozed the hell out of that clock, so she got up without thinking how comfortable it would be to stay there. 

As she looked in the mirror she saw her eyes were red and swollen. Last night after she arrived home, after she talked to Chelsea about every single plan and alternative, she came home and with a glass -or more- of wine she stayed up until late, crying her heart out. The scans didn’t even show the tumor advancing in the last two weeks, but it was still terrifying. 

She saw all kinds of diseases and tumors every day, but when she saw that in her best friend it was like a truck hitting her. She never actually realized what she’d lose if she’d lose Chelsea. She never thought about it and now that it was a clear possibility… it was overwhelming. 

But they came to the conclusion that the only way to fight it was to keep a positive attitude, to promise they’d both do their best, the best they could. 

That last promise stuck in Delphine’s mind. 

It was what she thought about when she saw Chelsea next morning, what helped her keep tears away. 

“Morning, Frenchie,” Chelsea said, her tone happy, her eyes shining and her smile perpetual; as per usual. “You’re hair’s a bit… unkempt?” 

Delphine looked in the mirror, wondering if last night’s events really looked that bad on her, but then she found her usual sight staring back at her. Her hair followed different rules, no matter her state. 

“Oh please, it usually looks this good,” Delphine nonchalantly said as she changed. 

“Usually?” Brian mocked her, one of her other friends from work. “Since when are you this confident, Cormier?” 

“I personally think it always looks great,” Chase said all of a sudden. “Morning, guys.” 

“Hey, Chase,” Chelsea said, visually keeping her laugh in. 

“Thanks,” Delphine said, giggling. “Well, I’ll catch you later, guys,” she said to her friends -and Chase-, getting out of the lounge and heading to Natalie Johnson’s room. 

“Is he still into you?” Chelsea asked, running after Delphine. 

“Yup, pretty much,” she stated. 

“Well… he’s good-looking, kind, smart… why not?” Chelsea said. 

“Maybe because, oh I don’t know… _I’m_ not into him?” 

“Right, okay, well I have to go this way,” she said gesturing towards the opposite direction to Natalie’s room, “but see you later, okay?” 

“Take care,” Delphine said, entering her patient’s room. “Good morning,” she greeted her. “How are we feeling today?” 

“Very good, and you, doctor?” 

_Good question._

“Great. Did Dr. Niehaus come in to check you yet?” 

“Not since yesterday, no,” Natalie said. “But you go ahead, check me out.” 

“You know, I don’t think that’s the correct usage of the verb ‘check’ right now,” Delphine laughed. “And anyway, I can’t, I’m not the designated doctor for that. I’ll only take care of your baby. But… where is Dr. Niehaus?” she asked. 

Going out to the nurse’s station, she told them, “Can you please page Dr. Niehaus? Thank you.” 

Returning to Natalie, she continued their interrupted conversation. “So I see here that you don’t want to find out their gender until they’re born.” 

“Yes, I want it to be a surprise,” Natalie said excitedly. 

“Did she talk to you about the birthing plan? Whether you should deliver or have a C-section?” 

“Yeah, we decided on a C-section.” 

“Oh, you did?” 

“She said it’d be safest with my history of panic attacks. That’d it’d be better to be opened up, rather than risk one.” 

“Right… the panic attacks…” Delphine said, her eyes fixing on the wall. She didn’t see any panic attack risks on the chart. “Well, Dr. Niehaus is your doctor, so whatever she chooses should be best for you.” 

Speaking of the devil, Cosima’s voice soon enough echoed between the room’s walls. 

“Sorry for the holdup, I was _held up_ in traffic,” Cosima joked. 

Natalie laughed at her poor pun, while Delphine kept a straight face. 

“What’s with the frown, Dr. Cormier?” Cosima asked. 

“Could we talk outside, please? We’ll be right back, Natalie.” 

“What’s the problem?” Cosima asked once they were out of Natalie’s ear-shot. 

“The problem is that besides you being late again, you failed to mention the patient’s history of panic attacks,” Delphine’s angered voice spoke, yet the volume of her tone remained low. 

“What do you mean?” Cosima’s expression was confused. 

“You failed to mention in her chart that delivering wouldn’t be the best option for her because of her risks of having a panic attack right in the middle of it,” she said, handing her the chart she had. 

“It appears in her medical history,” Cosima said, looking over the paper. 

“Yes, but not on the _chart_ , under the box that says ‘further information’. You’re supposed to mention that in the ‘further information’ box. That’s why it’s there; for further information.” 

Cosima stared blankly at the empty box she was supposed to fill in as main doctor on the case. “You’re… you’re right. I’m sorry, it must’ve slipped.” She awkwardly shifted her weight on her left leg. 

Delphine sighed, tearing her eyes from the dreadlocked woman. 

“Just be careful with these things, okay? If the Chief would’ve caught you, it wouldn’t have been just a pep talk.” 

Cosima looked up, and offered an insecure smile. “Thanks.” 

That consult wasn’t the last she’d see of Cosima that day. Later in the afternoon her pager beeped loudly, letting her know Natalie Johnson was in labor. When she arrived in her room, she saw Cosima sitting next to her, gripping her hand. 

“How are we holding on?” Delphine said. 

“Not long ago she started having longer contractions. She has to deliver soon,” Cosima said, looking into Delphine’s eyes. 

“Alright, let’s book an OR,” she told a nearby nurse. 

She nodded and Delphine went on Natalie’s other side, holding her other hand. 

“Rate the pain from one to ten for me, Natalie,” Delphine said. 

She raised an eyebrow through heavy breaths. “Seriously?” 

“Very,” Delphine said. “Come on, it helps.” 

“I’d… I’d say a seven,” the pregnant woman said. 

“Okay, that’s good; we’re not that close to ten. We’re good. Just keep breathing, okay?” 

Natalie nodded. Delphine raised her head at Cosima and noticed she was watching her. She smiled at her; a closed-lip, reserved smile. 

Soon enough they were able to take her up to the OR. As they were scrubbing in, Cosima looked at Delphine again. 

“That was really interesting back there,” Cosima admitted. 

Delphine smiled, saying, “Well, I’m used to kids ranking their pain between eight and ten, mostly, so a seven is new.” They both laughed. “It helps them to sort of scale that pain, focus on something else than how throbbing it is.” 

“Smart,” Cosima said as they entered the sterile room. “Natalie, how are you holding up?” 

“I’d say we’re up to almost nine at this point, but I’m good, otherwise,” she smiled. 

“Don’t worry, it’ll be better soon,” Delphine said as she approached her. 

“You’ll take my baby?” 

“As soon as that cord is cut,” the pediatric doctor reassured her. 

“Are you ready?” Cosima asked. 

Natalie nodded and smiled. “Let’s have a baby.” 

Delphine stood a few steps back from the sterile field, but she was able to see Cosima’s every move perfectly. Her hands worked fast, but carefully. Her moves were precise, maneuvering the instruments easily. She even heard her humming some kind of a song, but she couldn’t tell what it was, as the mask was blocking away any coherent sounds besides clearly spoken words. 

She was relaxed, but focused. She occasionally asked for her vitals, checking her blood pressure and heart rate. 

And then, making the final move, a healthy cry filled the air of the operating room. “And we have a little girl! Dr. Cormier, if you please?” 

Delphine was ready. As soon as the cord was cut, she was handed a small baby girl, who was still filling her lungs with air by crying. 

“Okay, baby girl, let’s check you up,” she said, placing her on her designated place. After taking her vitals, making sure she’s ready, she took her up to the NICU, next to the other infants. 

It was one of her favorite things to sit there and monitor the baby’s first hours. Besides the occasionally crying of one baby or two, it was quiet. They were all sleeping, or being taken to their parents. 

It was refreshing and calming to see them there, only a few hours old, breathing peacefully, so new and unconscious of the world they were brought into. 

“She’s beautiful,” she heard a soft voice behind her. She started to recognize that voice now, almost immediately. Turning, she saw Cosima smiling at the little girl she brought to life a few hours ago. 

“She is,” Delphine said. “How’s Natalie?” 

“Resting,” she said, sitting down on a chair next to Delphine. “Hey there,” she said to the baby, smiling widely at her. She ran her fingers softly over the baby’s tummy. “They’re so cute.” 

They sat a few moments by the baby, looking down at her sleeping figure. “Do you want to have kids?” Cosima asked her out of the blue. 

Delphine furrowed her brow, realizing she hasn’t actually thought about that. “I actually don’t know. I love kids, that’s why I’m a pediatric doctor, but to have one of my own… I guess it depends who I’ll be with, you know?” 

She looked at Cosima who turned her eyes to her as well. “Totally. I think I’ll want kids sometime in the future.” 

They looked at each other for a couple of moments, but then Delphine smiled and fixed her eyes on the baby again. She started crying, and as a pediatric surgeon she had a formed instinct already to pick her up and calm her down. 

She positioned her head on her left arm, her right hand holding her back. She started rocking her gently and the cries gradually faded away. The little girl fell back asleep in Delphine’s warm and compassionate arms. 

As the infant calmed down, snoozing peacefully again, she looked up at Cosima only to find her gaze on her, watching her with a smile on her face. Realizing she was staring, Cosima said, “I think you’d be a great mother.” Her tone was gentle, minding the sleeping babies. 

They sat there for a bit until a nurse came to let them know Natalie was awake. 

“Let’s introduce them to each other then,” Cosima said, getting to her feet. 

They put the infant in a transportable bed and they arrived quickly, as the NICU and Natalie’s room were close. 

“We brought you someone very special,” Cosima said as they entered the room. 

“Yes, finally,” Natalie said, sitting up slowly, but wincing from the pain caused by the C-section. 

“Easy there, mama, she’s coming to you,” Delphine said as she carried the little girl to her mother. “You’ve got a beautiful baby girl,” she told Natalie as she placed her in her arms. 

“Oh, hello,” she whispered to her baby. 

“What’s her name?” 

Natalie was quiet for a bit, looking at her newborn. “I’ve decided on Maya,” she told them. 

“Maya…” Delphine said reflectively. 

“It fits her,” Cosima said. 

Smiling, Delphine pulled out her phone, as she felt it buzz. 

_“Same exam room as yesterday, hurry please.”_

It was Chelsea. 


	3. Hospital's Finest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Chelsea's cancer on the table, Delphine has enough to think about. But as her British friend urges Cosima to join them for lunch, Chelsea senses another situation in the horizon, putting Delphine's red flags in the air.

_“Same exam room as yesterday, hurry please.”_

An unpleasant wave of shivers ran down her spine as she read the message a few times. 

_Hurry please._

“Excuse me, I have an emergency,” Delphine said, dropping her phone back in the large pocket of her coat. 

“Oh, you have to leave so early?” Natalie disappointingly asked. 

“I’ll visit you a bit later, okay?” 

Natalie nodded, finally flashing a smile. 

Delphine did too, though it wasn’t her genuine one. She made her way to the exam room hastily. 

As she opened the door to the room 1B, she saw Chelsea sitting on a chair, her feet propped on the table carelessly. 

Delphine remained perplexed at the difference between the urgency of the text message and Chelsea’s casualty. Though, to be frank, Chelsea had composure running through her veins. 

“Chelsea?” she asked approaching her friend. “I’m assuming the emergency was bringing you a coffee? Something to warm you up?” 

“It’s September, weather’s not that cold, but a coffee would be terrific, thanks,” Chelsea joked. 

Delphine kicked her feet off the table. “What’s the emergency, really?” 

“I didn’t say it was an _emergency_ , I told you to _hurry_ ,” the other doctor said matter-of-factly. 

Delphine threw her a piercing look. She sat down on a chair in front of Chelsea. “I was in the middle of something rather important.” 

“Ooh, who’d you hook up with?” 

The blonde woman closed her eyes, dropping her head in her hands. “Chelsea… I thought it was something serious, something… bad.” 

“Okay, okay, so listen. I’ve studied my scans thoroughly and the tumor’s barely advanced, almost not at all. Which means now’s the time to get a biopsy and find out how we can take this bitch down.” 

Delphine raised one of her eyebrows at the way Chelsea’s addressed the mass inside her brain. 

“Which means today I’ll go for a consult. Which means I’ll need you there.” 

Delphine looked down and nodded. “Do you really have to joke every time before telling me something serious?” 

“I joke all the time. It makes bad news easier,” Chelsea admitted. 

Delphine looked at her disbelievingly. “Not everything has to be delivered as a joke.” 

Chelsea remained quiet. She knew Delphine was right, at least in that situation. 

“Should I go talk to Dr. Adams?” Delphine offered. 

“Nah, I’ll do it. I’ll text you the time of the meeting,” Chelsea said. She looked at the clock on her wrist. “Oh, 2 o’clock. Let’s go have lunch.” 

The cafeteria usually served pretty good meals; and for the better, since Delphine almost never had time to cook at home. The last warm meal she had home was a few months ago when she cooked something for her family. 

When they sat down, Delphine itched to ask a question she’d been wondering. “How come you’re so okay with this tumor? I know you and your way of getting used to things quickly, but this is different.” 

“Is it, though? I look at it and label it as an obstacle I have to get over. Sure, it took a little time getting used to it, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m sick. And it’s not that bad yet. At least I spotted the symptoms and went for a consult.” 

Delphine nodded, saying, “Smart of you.” 

“I know, right?” 

They laughed and then something caught Delphine’s eye, behind Chelsea. She hasn’t seen many dreadlocked people in white coats, so even if she wasn’t facing her, Delphine recognized Cosima in an instant. 

She realized her eyes were fixed on her and didn’t move away only when Chelsea waved a frantic hand in front of her. 

“Delphineee,” Chelsea whined. “Why do you always space out when I’m talking to you?” 

“That happened only a couple of times,” Delphine argued. 

“Who are you looking at anyway?” she said, turning around, trying to see who Delphine was fixing her gaze on. “Ooh, nice hair,” she added once she noticed Cosima. 

“Yeah, yeah it is,” Delphine said and smiled unconsciously. 

“I wanna ask her about it,” Chelsea said once she turned again. 

“Hey, no, leave her-“ Delphine started saying but Chelsea already patted Cosima’s shoulder. 

“Hi, I hope I’m not disturbing you,” she said once Cosima turned. “I just wanted to tell you I really love your hair.” 

“Thank you,” Cosima said and flashed her charming smile. “I’m Cosima Niehaus, gynecologist.” 

“Chelsea Nichols, pediatrician,” she replied, shaking her hand. 

As Cosima shifted her gaze she noticed Delphine. “Oh, hey Delphine,” she said and waved as if they hadn’t seen each other that day. 

“Wait, you two know each other?” Chelsea asked surprised for some reason. 

“Yeah, we worked on a case. We delivered a baby together,” Cosima said. 

“Well, come join us, I need to hear more,” Chelsea said. 

Cosima sat down on a chair on Delphine’s left side. 

“Well, _we_ didn’t deliver it. _She_ did,” Delphine said. 

“Oh come on, I might’ve brought her into the world, but you were the first face she truly saw,” Cosima replied. 

“Now if you put it that way…” Delphine said, her eyes widening. 

“Don’t worry, she saw a pretty face.” 

The compliment seemed to take everyone by surprise. Chelsea seemed to be at the cinema, watching the two complement each other back and forth. 

As soon as she realized what she said, Cosima chuckled to hide her embarrassment. 

Delphine blushed, having to tear her eyes away from the brunette or else she felt like her cheeks might catch on fire. 

“So, how’s Delphine as a coworker?” Chelsea asked to fill the silence that followed Cosima’s flattery. “I didn’t have many chances to work with her yet.” 

Cosima leaned back on her chair. “She’s pretty decent,” she said with a serious face, but then couldn’t help and start laughing. 

“Just decent?” Delphine asked, deceived. Her big, saddened eyes were fixed on Cosima’s amused ones. 

“No, no, I’m kidding. She’s actually really nice to work with. She’s careful, kind-“ 

“Well, obviously, she works with kids, she has to be,” Chelsea interrupted her. 

“It’s the truth! She has a very uplifting presence. Whoever is in the room receives a smile from her no matter what. It’s the reassurance she emits that truly helps in hardship moments,” Cosima replied honestly. 

“So nothing bad? She really is as good as they say she is?” Chelsea seemed almost disappointed. 

Cosima shook her head in denial and Delphine said in an offended, yet still amused tone, “Who do you think I actually am, Nichols?” She leaned forward on her elbows. 

“My best friend, so I wanted to know if you’re just as kind with others as you are with me,” Chelsea added in a protective way. 

Delphine shook her head and joined the other two women in laughing. 

Cosima’s pager started beeping perhaps too early because she let out a sigh, saying, “Well, this has been fun, but duty calls. See you around, Nichols. And Cormier… I suppose we’ll meet tomorrow. I have two more pregnancies to deliver tomorrow and I wrote you down as the peds doctor, so…” 

“Count me in,” Delphine grinned and waved at her as she left. 

After they were alone, Chelsea turned dramatically to Delphine. “Okay, so I knew you were bisexual, but I’ve never seen you in such a dynamic with another woman like I _just_ have.” 

Delphine widened her eyes again. “Wait, are you saying she’s into me?” 

“I don’t know that yet, but all that praise, that compliment, her eagerness to work with you… watch out cause she’s not one to break her heart.” 

“Okay, first of all, how did you even get to that conclusion? And second, you don’t even know her well enough to talk about her heart,” Delphine said. 

“I’m just saying she’s got a really good, kind vibe. She’s smiley and perky, it’s a shame to tear a soul like that apart. Well, it’s a shame to tear any soul apart, but Cosima… I like her.” 

“Good, now that I have your approval, should I ‘hit that’?” Delphine said sarcastically. 

“No, God, don’t say that, it doesn’t sound good,” Chelsea said with a disgusted expression. “Look, if you want to be friends with her, or closer than just friends, I’m just saying she looks opened. And you should be too.” 

Delphine shook her head, standing up. “Right, well, page me for your consult, okay?” 

Chelsea nodded, while downing the last sip of coffee she had. 

Delphine worked for the rest of the afternoon until the lunch and conversations they had had moved to the back of her mind; not forgotten, just put aside. 

After all her consults were done and her agenda was set for the next day, she noticed it was already dark outside. She thought back at this day, running the events in her mind. Then she remembered she witnessed the birth of a baby, a baby and a mother she was supposed to check on before leaving today. 

“Hello,” she said in a hushed tone when she entered Natalie’s room. 

Natalie greeted her with a big smile. “Hey, come, take a seat,” she invited her quietly. 

Delphine sat down. “I hope you rested today.” 

“I did, I did, but I mostly held this one,” she said, looking down at the baby in her arms. 

“How is she? Is she a crier?” 

“No, not really. She’s pretty quiet. She sleeps a lot,” Natalie stated. 

“That’s good. It means you’ll be able to rest too.” 

“Gosh, I so love your accent,” Natalie said, shaking her head. 

Delphine laughed, “Thanks… I inherited it, so you know…” She never thought it was prominent, but to people who she just met, it might have been striking. 

“Lucky… so how was my baby? When you first held her?” 

“She had a healthy cry, a good heartbeat… she did really good. And then I held her a little in the NICU, she started crying a little… she must’ve missed her mom already, so I picked her up and she calmed down right away.” 

“Yeah, Dr. Niehaus told me you were really good with her.” 

She tried not to think too much about Dr. Niehaus. “How’s your incision? Does it hurt?” 

“It hurts a little, obviously, but it was worth it. I mean, look at her,” Natalie said proudly. 

They both looked at the baby and then Delphine figured it was best to let them rest. 

“You have to go already?” Natalie complained. 

“Look, you have to promise me you’re going to get sleep. Because I know she’s precious, but you need rest to continue to admire her in the future,” she said, standing up. 

“I promise, I promise. Just 5 more minutes, I swear.” 

“Okay, and if you have any problems with her just come here and ask for me, alright?” 

“Definitely. Thank you, Dr. Cormier.” 

It was those two words that filled Delphine’s heart with joy and satisfaction; when she’d exit the room and the patient would be alright, the family would be happy again and they’d show their recognition with a smile and a simple, but meaningful ‘Thank you’… that was enough for Delphine. 

As soon as her phone ringed, she remembered Chelsea’s consult; the one with the surgeon who’d do a biopsy on her. 

“Bonjour, mon amie!” Chelsea greeted her in an acceptable French accent. ( _Hello, my friend!_ ) 

“Bonjour, Chelsea! Ça va? Tout va bein pour toi?” ( _Hello, Chelsea. How are you? Is everything alright?_ ) 

“Oui, oui, très bien,” Chelsea replied, surprising Delphine. ( _Yes, yes, very good._ ) 

“I didn’t know you were that good with French.” 

“Come on, everyone knows how to answer to ‘are you okay’.” 

“Your accent’s getting better too. Same exam room?” 

“Same exam room,” Chelsea said. 

“1B it is. See you in a bit.” 

She started getting used to this exam room. She knew the way without having to double-think about it. She already memorized the image she was met with every time: scans on the monitors, the files scattered on the desk, Chelsea sitting in the chair, looking over them. It was like their own exam room now. 

“How come nobody comes in here?” Delphine asked once she entered the room, her eyes meeting everything just the way she had memorized them. 

“It’s at the end of the hall, pretty remote. I don’t know,” Chelsea said. 

“Dr. Cormier, hello,” said Dr. Adams, the neurosurgeon. 

“Doctor,” she greeted in return, sitting down at the table. 

“What made you take a consult?” he asked. 

“Constant headaches, blurry vision, hearing difficulties, the loss of sensation in extremities,” Chelsea said. As she listed the symptoms so easily, Delphine felt like she might lose it again. 

“Alright, well I’m guessing you’ve both studied these scans several times. The tumor hasn’t progressed; your blood tests are pretty good still. I’m saying let’s do this biopsy tomorrow or the day after. I’ll tell you what I discovered, and we’ll go with a treatment from there. Does that sound good?” 

“Perfect,” Chelsea answered. “Thank you, Adams.” 

After he left, Chelsea exhaled as if she hadn’t in the last five minutes. “This is really happening, isn’t it?” 


	4. Bilingual Delivery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Delphine and Cosima work on a couple more cases together, and Cosima can't help but be more and more impressed with her. Delphine realises how quickly the bond between them grows, and she does nothing to stop it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's comments are so kind and encouraging, thank you so much for all the feedback! It makes me endlessly happy and it pushes me to continue uploading. I hope you enjoy this next chapter :)

Locking the door behind her, Delphine dropped the keys on the table and hung her coat. Even though it wasn’t a tough day physically speaking, she still felt like every muscle in her body ached. 

She walked to the living room in her apartment, turning the music console on. As a soft tune started playing she made her way to the fridge; a good glass of red wine was all she could think about after leaving work. 

While arranging some snacks to go with the wine, she let her body move carelessly to the beat in unclear, yet comforting moves. 

She sat down on one of her kitchen chairs, taking a sip of the wine and letting the alcohol run down her throat. After a few more sips, she finally felt her muscles tense down and she relaxed in the chair, dropping her head to the side. Closing her eyes, she focused on the bittersweet taste of the drink and on the soothing melody which filled her ears. Pushing any work troubles aside, any misery or confusion she faced, even Chelsea, for once in a few days she thought about nothing. 

She was at the beginning of her healing journey as a doctor, but she always felt like she needed these quiet moments for herself. Thinking back about it, high school was the first time she felt like she needed the silent moments. A bit of time dedicated just for yourself, when you clear your head and put the worries aside. She considered everybody needed it. 

Occasionally, while just listening to the songs she loved, Delphine would smile, her eyes still closed, feeling what the song carries. 

-.-.-.- 

“I’m not sure I believe my eyes,” Delphine said. “Cosima Niehaus in the lounge at the same time as me, arriving on time,” she added, smiling at the gynecologist. 

“I have my days,” she said, grinning in return. 

“Why are you late anyway?” 

“That’s a question one simply cannot answer,” she answered cheekily. 

“Okay, so who’s our first patient?” 

“Valentina Rodriguez, 28, due to deliver today,” she informed Delphine, handing her the chart. 

“Wait, are you sure she _can_ deliver?” Delphine asked, lifting her eyes from the paper to shoot her look. 

Cosima got the point. She licked her lips, answering, “I’ve learnt my lesson, I assure you. Thank you again for not telling the Chief.” 

“We all make mistakes, there’s no reason I shouldn’t give you a second chance,” Delphine told her. 

Even if this was only their second case together, Delphine started feeling like they formed a team. They walked down the hallways, waving at people, their smiles greeting them. They were like the happy, perky team. Delphine figured they were similar from a social point of view, though she was much shyer than Cosima. 

“Good morning, Valentina. This is Dr. Cormier, she’ll be taking care of your baby once you’ve delivered,” Cosima introduced her once they arrived. 

“Pleased to meet you, Valentina,” Delphine said. 

“You too,” Valentina replied, shaking the extended hand. “So, doctors, what’s the plan?” she asked in a strong Spanish accent. 

“Our plan is to take you up to the OR once your contractions start getting closer to the other and deliver your girl,” Cosima said. 

“Sounds good.” 

“We’ll come in and check on you later,” Cosima announced. 

They kept the visits short; there was no need for further conversation unless the patient had questions. Usually, the whole family was there so then the questions would multiply. So when there was no one else, the job went swiftly. 

Once they were out in the hallway, Cosima handed Delphine the second chart. 

“You’ll like this one,” Cosima started. “Joy Duval, 31, moved to San Fran from Lyon few years ago to attend the same college I did.” 

“So you go way back?” 

“We do,” Cosima said, entering through the open door. “Joy Duval, in flesh and bone.” 

“Cosima!” Joy exclaimed, opening her arms. “Come here!” 

Cosima embraced her carefully, minding the big baby bump. “How are you?” 

“I’m doing great, eager to meet my kid,” she said. “And you? I haven’t seen you since college.” 

“I’ve been doing great, working, fitting in the life of an adult, you know,” Cosima said. “This is Dr. Delphine Cormier, the one who’ll be taking care of your baby after he’s born.” 

“Delphine Cormier… Êtes vous français aussi? ” Joy’s accent was more prominent than Delphine’s. ( _Are you French too?_ ) 

“Oui, mais, je suis née ici,” Delphine replied. “Est-ce que vous êtes né à Lyon et vous êtes parti après au Etax-Units?” ( _Yes, but I was born here. And you were born in Lyon but moved to America?_ ) 

“Oui, j’ai voulu voyager et quand j’ai été ici, j’ai adore cet pays beaucoup. Alors, j’ai decidé que je voudrais, étudier ici et, après, j’ai rencontrée Cosima a l’Universite.” ( _Yes, I wanted to travel and I liked it so much that I decided to study there. Then I met Cosima at college._ ) 

“Vous aussi, vous étes médecin?” ( _Oh, you’re a doctor too?_ ) 

"Oui, je suis faite pour la cardio,” Joy replied, grinning. Glancing at Cosima, she noticed she had a confused face. ( _Yes, I’m a cardiothoracic one._ ) 

“You aren’t so good in French anymore, are you, Niehaus?” Joy mocked her. 

“Not really, no. I heard my name, though.” 

“Yeah, we were trash-talking you,” she said, and she and Delphine laughed. 

“So our birth plan isn’t complicated. As a doctor I’m assuming you’re rather familiar with the procedure,” Cosima continued. 

“Yep, pretty familiar. Contractions, pain, more contractions, more pain and then I’ll get to meet Chandler,” she said with a smile at that last part. 

“Chandler… I like that,” Cosima said reflectively. “And how come you’ve come here?” 

“Oh, I moved to Toronto a couple of years ago. Then I heard Cosima Niehaus is now a gynecologist at the Saint Helena Hospital in Montréal, and a very good one, so I said you had to be the one to deliver my boy.” 

“You trust me that much?” Cosima laughed. 

“I do,” Joy replied, smiling. 

“Alright, we’ll get to work then as soon as your contractions tell us so.” 

“Yes, let the contractions speak, Cosima,” she joked. 

“You sound so… interesting while speaking French,” Cosima told Delphine while they were walking back to the attendings’ lounge after the two consults. 

“Interesting?” Delphine laughed. 

“Yeah, I mean… it sounds nice. It fits you, obviously,” she said. 

Cosima didn’t have other consults for the day so she prepared for the two deliveries, while Delphine had a few patients to take care of. 

The day had passed by without any news from the two pregnant women. 

It was 8 PM when she was checking up on her last patient for the day, when she finally felt her pager buzz in her pocket. 

_911, Valentina Rodriguez_

“Alright, Brighton, please tell me how long have you been feeling this pain in your stomach,” she asked the 5-year-old she was consulting. 

He was thinking, but his mother intervened. “He started complaining about 4 days ago.” 

“And do you feel it in a certain spot or is it everywhere?” 

“It hurts here,” he said, pointing at his right side. 

“Okay, well, I’ll write you up for an X-ray and blood test,” she told his mother while writing her recommendation down on a paper. “Try to not feed him any dairy products or raw food until we figure out what it is. It might be food poisoning, though I doubt it. It might even be appendicitis. We’ll keep in touch and come back after you’ve done the tests, alright?” 

“Certainly, thank you very much, Dr. Cormier,” the woman said. 

She hurried down to Valentina’s room, finding Cosima in the same chair on the bed’s right side, holding Valentina’s hand as the contractions started. 

Without vocalizing anything, Delphine sat down on the other side, holding Valentina’s other hand. 

They tried to make conversation, asking questions, helping Valentina through her contractions. 

When they would rise, she’d clutch Delphine’s hand tightly, and when they went away the grip would loosen a bit. It was the same process again and again, like a continuous loop. 

They would tell her to breathe, to keep on breathing. Inhaling and exhaling was the only thing Valentina could do besides gripping the two hands that were supporting her. She listened to the words they had to tell her, trying to reply to them. 

Delphine asked her to rank her pain. Valentina didn’t question this; she even started from 6, knowing this wouldn’t be the worst she’d feel. 

They’d been there for a couple of hours already, the contractions remaining just as painful, but stagnating. Delphine could read it from Cosima’s eyes that this was going to be one long labor. 

Suddenly, both doctors’ pagers went off, announcing them that Joy has just gone into labor as well. 

They looked up from the message they received at the same time, straight into the each other’s eyes. They were both reading complication and troubling from the other’s face. 

“Valentina, we have to go discuss something urgent, we’ll be right back, okay?” Cosima told her. 

The pregnant woman nodded. When they walked out, a nurse took their place. 

“Joy needs someone there with her,” Cosima said once they were outside. 

“She needs you, Cosima. She trusts you. She came here so you can deliver her baby. You’re the one she’s paging,” Delphine told her. Her eyes were vigilant. Her heartbeat was fast. 

“She’s got a long and tough road in front of her,” she nodded towards Valentina. 

“I can handle her. Go be with your friend.” 

“And if she delivers?” 

“Page me and we’ll figure it out,” Delphine told her. Cosima nodded. 

“You’ll tell her?” she asked, referring to Valentina. 

“Yeah, go. Good luck,” she told her. 

“You too,” Cosima wished her as well, smiling shortly before taking off. 

Once she returned to Valentina’s room, she sat down on her chair, resuming her job. 

“Dr. Niehaus had to go to another one of our patients who also went into labor. But until she actually has to deliver, I’ll be right here, okay?” Delphine told her calmly. 

“Yeah, of course,” Valentina replied honestly, between heavy breaths. 

Judging by the passing of the time, one hour, two hours going by, Joy’s labor wasn’t easy either. 

“Do you know what your baby’s name will be?” Delphine asked her. 

“Not yet… I have a few options, but… I haven’t… decided yet,” she said. 

Wiping her forehead, Delphine said, “I personally really like Aurora.” 

“It does sound beautiful,” Valentina said, thinking. But then another contraction made her groan in pain, gripping Delphine’s hand. She swore in Spanish, her eyes tightly shut. After it passed, she added, “Doesn’t this hurt you?” She nodded towards their hands. 

Delphine smiled. “Tu no tienes porque preocuparte por eso, solo concentrate en respirar.” ( _You don’t have to worry about that, you just focus on your breathing._ ) 

“Puedes hablar espanol?” Valentina was taken by surprise, yet smiling at sound of her native language. ( _You can speak Spanish?_ ) 

“Sí, estudie espanol en el colegio y seguí estudiandolo porque me gusto mucho.” ( _Yeah, I’ve learnt it in school and I really loved it, so I kept on studying it after that._ ) 

“Muy bien, muy bien,” she replied, her breathing just as heavy. ( _Very good, very good._ ) 

“Bueno, es un idioma muy bonito, me gusto desde siempre,” Delphine admitted. ( _Well it’s a very nice language, I always loved it._ ) 

They continued talking with Valentina occasionally grunting and saying Spanish curse words. 

When the time came for Delphine to go deliver Joy’s baby, she left Valentina with the promise she’ll return as soon as she could. She left a nurse to help her get through the harder moments and ran down to Joy’s room. 

They were already preparing to take Joy up to the OR where she could deliver the baby in a sterile environment. 

“How’s Valentina?” Cosima asked Delphine as the elevator’s doors closed and they were going up. 

“She’s holding on,” Delphine answered. “Contractions haven’t changed much.” 

“Busy night ahead,” Cosima said and the elevator dinged and the doors opened. 

“Busy night ahead,” Delphine agreed. 

They scrubbed in and entered the OR confidently, ready to bring a boy into the world. 

Delphine sat down next to Joy to help her through the delivery, while Cosima was at the other end of the bed. 

Just like her labor, Joy’s delivery didn’t take long. She was almost fully dilated by the time they were up in the OR, and with Cosima and Delphine’s help she pushed through the pain. 

Obviously, the two most used words were “push” and “breathe”. But then Delphine pushed her strength even further by communicating to her in French. 

“Vous etes presque, vous devez resister un peu plus,” she told her. ( _You’re almost there. Resist, just a bit more._ ) 

“Non, je ne peux pas,” Joy cried. “Je n’en peux plus…” ( _I can’t… I can’t do this anymore._ ) 

“Non, ne parle pas comme ça! Vous étes forte! Vous devez être courageuse. Vous pouvez le faire. Vous faites du bon travail. Pensez à Chandler! À le resultat après ce voyage fatigant! Pensez à ton futur beau petit garcon,”Delphine said in a determined voice. ( _No, don’t say that. You can and you will because you’re strong and you got this. Think of Chandler; think of the beautiful boy you’ll have after this tiring journey._ ) 

“Just a little more, Joy, you’re almost there, I promise,” Cosima told her. 

And most certainly, a couple more pushes later and Chandler’s cries filled everyone’s ears. 

“You’ve got a beautiful boy, Joy,” Cosima announced and through heavy pants Joy laughed and cried at the same time. “Dr. Cormier?” 

“You did great,” Delphine told her, smiling widely at her and giving her hand a last tight grip. 

She stood up to take the infant, to go do her job. 

Wrapping him in a special blanket, she held him so that Joy could see him. 

“Hello, little Chandler,” she said, extending a hand and running her fingers down his belly. “I’ll see you in a bit.” 

As Delphine made her way to the transportable bed, their pagers started beeping again. 

“911, Valentina Rodriguez,” announced one of the nurses. 

“Crap,” Cosima said simply. “Okay, I’ll go, you come after you’re done with Chandler,” she told Delphine. 

-.-.-.- 

The machine that read Valentina’s heartbeat started beeping louder and louder every time it grew. Her contractions grew more painful as they came. 

They were already in the OR, but she wasn’t fully dilated yet. 

Opposite to Joy, her delivery was going to be similar with the labor; long and painful. 

Delphine herself started to feel the day and all the work she did; her eyes started stinging, her muscles and limbs started to ache. Her hands that were firmly held by Valentina started to cramp. 

But she knew this wasn’t about her; because if anyone went through worse pain than anybody else in the room, that was Valentina. Yet, she still stayed strong and Delphine deeply admired her for it. She already knew how to control her breaths as the contractions came crashing over her like waves, she knew she wasn’t supposed to push yet, though she so deeply felt like she needed to. 

At last, after one more hour spent in discomfort and anguish, it was time to deliver. 

Cosima took her designated place and her designated role, telling her when to push and when to stop. 

With Valentina it was way more different than with Joy; she had to push and stop several times and then she discovered that the pain could go all the way up to 10. 

After minutes and minutes of “one more push Valentina… now stop for a second”, the baby was finally able to breathe the air of the outside world. 

Except her baby girl wasn’t breathing. She wasn’t crying. 

After she wasn’t feeling the pressure anymore, Valentina furrowed her brow at Delphine. “What’s going on? Why isn’t she crying?” 

Delphine was handed the silent baby. She was quite small for an on-term pregnancy. While the cord wasn’t cut yet, she lifted the infant and hit her back gently couple of times so that she would finally get the air in her lungs. The slight shock of the pat abled her to inhale sharply. 

Once she started crying, so did Valentina; except this time they were happy tears at last. 

“She’s alright, she just needed a little push,” Delphine told the mother. 

“You did a really good job, Valentina,” Cosima told her. 

After the cord was cut and the baby was put in the portable NICU bed, Valentina was taken to her room for the much needed rest with the promise that she’d get to see her daughter once she slept a little. 

Outside her room, Delphine and Cosima watched her for a little while to make sure she was okay. 

“Valentina… did you know that it means ‘strong and sound’ in Spanish?” Delphine told her. 

“It does? Well, it certainly fits her,” Cosima agreed, her tone hushed. 

After a minute or two of silence, she told Delphine, “I take the bus in the morning, so that’s why I’m late. I miss it cause I sometimes oversleep.” Her confession happened at an odd time but Delphine laughed anyway. When she thought back of her morning when she was late, she still slapped herself mentally for it. 

They were both visibly tired; but it was worth it, as Delphine had told Joy earlier that night when she delivered. Bringing a baby into the world is special and refreshing, so being part of that process is definitely a bonus to a doctor whose job is to help and heal people. 

When they brought the baby to Valentina couple of hours later, she had decided on the name. 

“What is it?” Cosima asked curiously. 

“It’s Aurora,” she said, smiling at Delphine. 

She turned to Cosima to say, “It means ‘sunrise’.” 

They both smiled and Cosima added, “When she was born…” 

It was 8 AM when they walked back to the attendings’ lounge. They were power-drenched and tired. 

“What day is it?” Delphine asked, as she was changing lazily. 

“I think it might be Friday…” she said, visibly thinking hard about it. 

“It’s Saturday,” Brian said, who just came in to work. 

“Oh, you work today… well, good luck, my friend,” Cosima told him. 

“And good night to you two,” he said and all three of them laughed. 

As they walked out in the cold morning air together, Delphine had to think twice where she parked her car. 

Remembering, she said, “Let me take you home. I don’t even think there are buses this early.” 

“Oh no, there are. They’re usually empty. But you don’t have to do that,” Cosima told her. Since their walks were a little messy, their arms brushed to the other a few times, yet it was concealed by their coats. 

“No, I’ll drive you home. Don’t fight me at this late hour,” Delphine insisted. 

“I think it’s an early hour, but okay, I won’t complain. I’m sure you’re a great driver too, besides speaking, like, every language there is,” Cosima joked. 

“I am a good driver, though right now I can’t promise I’ll be the gentlest. And yes, I know a few languages,” she admitted and stopped to fish her car keys out of her bag once they arrived in front of it. 

“Oh, nice car, Cormier,” she said in a surprised voice. 

“Get in, you’re about to take part in an adventure of a lifetime.” 

“Well, now I’m scared.” 

Delphine laughed perhaps too loudly, but none of them cared. They sat down and shut the doors closed at the same time. 

Sighing, Delphine shut her eyes and rested her head on the back of the seat for a moment. She said, “I love my job… I love my job… I love my job…” 

“Oh, I loved ‘The Devil Wears Prada’,” Cosima said and Delphine smirked at her. 

“I really like movies and I’m good at memorizing lines,” the blonde told her. 

“Of course you are,” Cosima said, sounding exasperated, yet still diverted. 

Starting the engine, Delphine asked, “Where to, miss?” 

“Well, now I want to watch ‘Titanic’,” Cosima laughed. “I don’t even know where I live anymore, I’m that tired.” 

“Come to my place, then,” Delphine said without actually thinking. After she vocalized the words, their meaning started to dawn on her. “That might’ve sounded a bit unbecoming, sorry,” she said, yet still giggled. 

She never acted this way; so flirty and open to someone you might as well just call a stranger. She was really tired. 

“It didn’t. But I don’t want to disturb you or anyone you live with.” 

_Is she really going for it?_

“I live alone,” Delphine informed her. 

_Am I really going for it?_

“Oh, you do…” 

Stopping at a red light, Delphine looked at Cosima, whose gaze was already on her. 

Trying to read her face, she picked up nonchalance. 

A blasé expression which said she exactly mind spending a night -well, a day- of sleep in some stranger’s home. 


	5. Vellichor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vellichor (n.) - the strange wistfulness of used bookstores, which are somehow infused with the passage of time.

The amount of sleep she needed at the moment clouded Delphine and tricked her into actually inviting Cosima to crash at her place. She would’ve surely remembered where she lived; Delphine knew it was just a joke, but the fact that she invited her over and she actually accepted was still peculiar. 

But none of them said anything; the invitation being landed and accepted in less than a couple of minutes made it weird for either one of them to back away now. 

As she parked the car, Cosima asked her, “Isn’t it a bit weird that I’ll be sleeping at your place when I don’t even really know you?” 

“Well, we’re coworkers, we make a pretty good team, so why shouldn’t we become friends?” 

“Yes. Friends have sleepovers, don’t they?” Cosima asked, unbuckling her seatbelt. 

“I would think, I never went on one,” Delphine admitted. 

“Same!” Cosima said. “See? We’ve got stuff in common already.” 

Their walks were even slower now; they were basically dragging their bodies. 

Entering inside her apartment, Delphine threw her bag and coat, along with her shoes at the same time. Cosima did the same thing, adding, “Your place is nice. If you can show me your couch, I’ll be out of your way.” 

“It’s in there,” she said, gesturing towards a room on the left. “And there’s the kitchen,” she said, shifting her hand to the right. “The bathroom is at the end of the hall.” 

“Great, thanks very much,” Cosima said, walking in the living room. “Woah, this place is awesome!” Delphine heard her say, her voice very much like a kid’s. 

She laughed, saying, “Thanks. I’ll bring you some…thing you cover you with.” 

“A blanket is all I need, nothing else,” Cosima said, crashing on the couch. 

“Not even pyjamas?” 

“I do not have the energy to change or to do anything else.” 

Delphine reappeared in the room, dropping a blanket over her. 

“Ooh, that is so fluffy, thank you!” she said, burying her face in the blanket. “Well, see you in time for dinner,” she joked. 

Delphine chuckled again, and while heading out to her room, she yawned, wishing her good night. She closed the drapes, darkening the room and allowing her to sleep. Though she hated going to sleep without showering, this time she made an exception as she physically couldn’t take it. So she did the same thing Cosima did; she crashed on the bed, throwing an extra blanket over herself. 

Cosima… Cosima, someone whom she worked with on a few cases and nothing else, was sleeping on her couch. Smiling, it was her last thought before falling asleep. 

It wasn’t her first thought when she woke up, though. 

When she opened her eyes, she immediately felt the discomfort of her jeans and bra, the clothes she’d been in the entire previous day. 

Her body wasn’t sore, but she still felt tired. Checking her clock, it was 9 PM. 

As she got up slowly from the bed, she made her way leisurely to the bathroom, the room right next to her own. 

She took her time in the shower, washing her hair too. The water relaxed her, and as she was still tired no thoughts interrupted the comforting process. She picked a simple T-shirt and pants that she wore at home only and tied her half-wet hair in a messy ponytail. 

Feeling finally fresh and clean, she made her way to the kitchen. Only when she was taking the corner to enter the room she saw the bright red coat and boots sitting next to her own. 

Turning her head, she glanced in the living room. Cosima was sleeping in the same positon she crashed on the couch, only her glasses placed on the carpet, next to the couch. _She looks so peaceful_ , Delphine thought. The beautiful stranger was sound asleep on her red couch. 

Returning to the kitchen, she made herself some tea, figuring coffee wouldn’t be the best at this time. _I’m going back to sleep anyway._

While she was busying herself with the drink, she started humming a song, bobbing her head to its rhythm. 

As she turned around, she jumped in surprise at the sight of Cosima standing in the doorway, leaning into the wall. She was rubbing her eyes sleepily. 

“Well, morning. Or good evening, whichever,” Delphine said. 

“Yeah, whichever,” Cosima smiled lazily. 

“How did you sleep?” Delphine asked her. 

“Like a baby,” she said, yawning. 

“You looked like one too,” she laughed. “What can I get you?” 

Cosima seemed to think hard on the question. “Do you have milk?” 

“I do. Do you want me to make you some cocoa?” she joked. 

Cosima’s eyes widened and her smile finally lit up her face. “Do you have cocoa?” 

“I think so,” Delphine chuckled and checked to find that she actually did. “So, little kid, do you want some?” 

“Yes!” she replied, suddenly more awake than a minute before. 

“Alright. I’ll give you a towel and you can take a shower.” 

“The towel I’ll take, but I’m showering when I get home. I don’t have clean clothes, and besides, I really don’t know you well enough to shower in your bathroom.” 

“Okay, it’s not like I picked you up from the street and brought you in,” Delphine said from the hallway. “You can do it if you feel like it. I’m telling you, it’s life-changing.” 

Cosima seemed to ponder over the suggestion for a while. “Nah, I’ll take the cocoa and then I’ll be out of your way.” 

Delphine sighed, saying, “You’re not in my way. Though I won’t lie, I am going back to bed soon.” 

Cosima laughed. “I think that’s what I’ll do too.” 

In a few minutes Cosima’s cocoa and Delphine’s tea were ready, so they both sat down at the table to drink their morning beverages. 

“So, I noticed a guitar and a piano in the living room. Any other hidden talents?” Cosima asked. “Anything else you can’t do?” 

Delphine laughed and bit her lip, letting her head drop. “I can sing.” 

Cosima nodded and after taking a long sip of her warm drink, she said, “Obviously.” 

“I love to dance.” 

“Me too, but who doesn’t? I mean when you can do it in your element, I feel like it comes naturally to anyone,” Cosima said. 

Delphine nodded, and thought about what else to tell her. “I used to write poems.” 

“Naturally.” 

“But I can’t draw or paint. I’m not artistic in that way.” 

“Oh, score! I’ll have to take a point away.” 

Delphine laughed. “And you? I’m sure you can do a handful of things.” 

“I can, but not nearly as much as you, though. I can’t sing or play any instruments, I’m not really artistic either. But I can swim really well. As I said, I love dancing and I’ve been told I’m good, to be honest.” She spotted a little pride in her eyes and knew it must’ve been something she really liked. 

“And? Come on, I’m sure there’s more,” Delphine complained. 

Cosima downed her last gulp of cocoa. “You’ll have to find out the rest later, Cormier. I can’t open myself up entirely from our first sleepover,” she giggled, standing up. 

“Can you tell me a nearby bus station?” Cosima said as she dressed. 

“Oh! Nonsense, I’ll take you home,” she said. 

She reached out for her shoes, but Cosima stopped her, grabbing her hand. “No, no, no, hell no. You’ve done enough for me, I can take the bus. I always do.” 

“But it’s late. It’s dark outside.” 

“I’m a big girl, I’ll be fine.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Definitely. Go rest,” Cosima told her, her eyes smiling. 

She smiled in return. “The bus station is close. As you exit the block, go right and in about 100 meters you’ll see it.” 

“All right. Thank you for everything, Delphine,” she said, leaning in to hug her. 

The hug took Delphine by surprise, but she returned the embrace. In the few seconds they touched she could smell her scent, really feel it for the first time. 

“Anytime, really,” she replied, as they parted. 

After she closed the door behind her, she leaned on it, shaking her head and smiling again. 

The silliness and spontaneity of last night’s events finally dawned on her and she still thought it was incredibly odd, but interesting nonetheless. At least they knew each other better now. 

Before going to sleep, she called Chelsea, eager to tell her about everything. She filled her in on the two deliveries they had, on the interesting ride home and on the “morning” after. 

“So there was no awkwardness?” Chelsea asked. 

“None that I felt,” Delphine admitted. 

“That’s brilliant then. You barely know each other, and yet you had a ‘sleepover’, as you call it, without anything uncomfortable! Big step forward!” Chelsea spoke excitedly. 

“Yeah, everything felt quite natural.” 

“I’m happy for you, Cormier. I think I’ll go now, I’ve had quite the day.” 

“I’m going too, I’m going back to sleep.” 

“Sweet dreams! May they be filled with beautiful gynecologists. Or rather, just one in particular.” 

“Chelsea…” 

As her friend laughed over the phone, she figured that wouldn’t be so bad. 

-.-.-.- 

Next morning, already a Sunday, she woke up early. It was rainy day, silent rain drops painting her windows. As she made her coffee –finally a coffee- she thought about what she should do on her free day. 

At first, all she wanted to do was curl into a blanket and watch TV or read, but then, thinking of books, she remembered there was this small bookshop she noticed a few streets away from her apartment that she wanted to check out for a long time. 

So after having a short breakfast she dressed up in black jeans and a blouse, which she covered with her grey coat that reached her knees. She liked walking, so once in a while she’d leave her car home and walk along the streets on Montréal. This way she had more time to look at the buildings, the people. 

And rain didn’t stop her; taking an umbrella she set off to the bookshop. The air was cool, the smell of rain surrounding her. 

She reached her location quickly, spotting the store with a large sign above the door, which read simply ‘bookshop’. As she got nearer she spotted the tall shelves of neutral color filled with books until the top, decorated with Christmassy yellow bulb lights. Entering, she immediately felt the unmistakable book smell, the smell of thousands of pages full of stories and knowledge. She had one particular book in mind she needed to search, and that was an old story book she used to read in her childhood. She had so many memories related to it and she would’ve loved to find it again. 

As she walked through the shelves, examining the books, her mind started to fill with authors and engaging titles. She noticed that this first row was focused on biographies, real stories told by war survivors, or people who’ve gone through weird or deadly situations and they were still alive to tell their experience. 

Moving on to the second row, she discovered the fictional books. Several adventure, science-fiction books, detective novels and others were sorted here on their categories. Figuring she might find what she was looking for here, she started analyzing the titles more thoroughly. She even started reading the names silently, as if she was whispering them to someone, without realizing. 

After some time that seemed like forever she finally found the book and smiled, feeling a big relief and satisfaction when she looked at the cover she remembered. Now that she’d found her book, she turned the corner to look through the third row as well, only to find a familiar face at the end of the row, examining a big, heavy-looking book, while holding several magazines in her right hand. 

Wearing a pure smile, Cosima was looking at that book like it was all she ever dreamed of. She didn’t notice Delphine, not even when she put the book down and disappeared around the corner. 

Why she didn’t greet her or go talk to her, Delphine didn’t know. She was simply… stuck in the same place she stopped in. This was a different circumstance to see Cosima in. Surrounded by books, by articles and magazines seemed to be the right place for her to be. It seemed right for her to find her here, lost in titles and stories, so lost that she wouldn’t pay attention to people. Therefore, if she would have interrupted her, it would’ve seemed like disrupting a painting, or a bird in its natural habitat. 

Walking to the place where Cosima stood, she picked up the truly heavy book and looked at it. It was a science book; a book about physics that explained its laws, phenomena and much more –as the cover would inform the reader-. 

Thinking even more about it, this seemed exactly the thing that fit Cosima. She’d see her on a snowy evening sitting in the middle of the room on the floor, surrounded by several papers and articles, this gigantic physics book opened in front of her like a chest full of secrets. She’d see her talking about it, telling her own theories supported by the examples offered by this book she considered her Bible. She could almost picture her filling her head with all the things she’d debate with herself, because Delphine would only listen. 

Without thinking more, she picked up the science book and along with her own stories book she went to the cashier to buy them. 

The walk home was just as pleasant as it was going there, except the rain stopped while she was in there. Checking her clock, she noticed she spent more than half an hour looking at books. It didn’t surprise her, since when she was in middle-school and high school she’d do the exact same thing after school or on weekends. It was something about the books, the stories that was so beckoning to her that she couldn’t stay away. 

Arriving home, she changed into more comfortable clothes and did what she first thought of that morning. She turned the music on, a slow tune filling the space and with the two books she bought, she cuddled onto the couch with a fluffy blanket and a warm tea. 

She sensed a new, yet somehow familiar scent quickly. Bringing the blanket closer to her nose, her mind quickly connected its smell with the one she felt this morning. The one she felt when hugging Cosima. 

Because she slept for more than 10 hours on the same couch Delphine was lying on, because she hugged the blanket that was currently covering Delphine, now her scent, her _presence_ filled her senses. 

Smiling, she opened the physics book she bought without finding a reason. 


	6. That Gallery Is A Wistful Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first step to curing Chelsea is in front of them. She has her biopsy planned, and Delphine is in no way allowed -by Chelsea- to spend the night in the hospital. Someone might be able to help her with that.

_She circled her college room once, twice, ten times, but then she lost count as the several thoughts she had took over her completely._

_She was sure about this. She didn’t know what Chelsea’s reaction would be, how her view on her would change, but she was the only one she could tell. She was the only one she trusted with this big secret and realization._

_She’d repeated the speech several times in her head, speaking out loud in the lonely room. When she finally heard the key in the lock, she froze; she felt her heart beat like crazy, the adrenaline running high in her veins._

_“Hey, there,” Chelsea said and looked at her somehow weirdly when she saw her in the middle of the room, stiffened. “What’d you do?”_

_“Come here, I need to tell you something,” Delphine told her._

_The British student locked the door and sat down on her bed without taking her shoes or her jacket off._

_Delphine sat down next to her. She was shaking and Chelsea noticed. “Hey, are you okay?” Her brow furrowed, placing a hand over Delphine’s cold, nervous one._

_“I need to tell you something… about me,” she said. Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply and exhaled quickly. “I recently discovered something about myself, something I never thought that would fit me, or that it could be me. But it is. It is me. And I hope it won’t change how you see me, because I haven’t changed. I’m still me, the one you met and befriended. It’s just a thing I realized and accepted because it’s a part of me. It’s a part of who I am.” Chelsea’s worried eyes shifted to something more attentive; they softened, somehow. “I like boys… but… I also like girls. Romantically.”_

_Chelsea didn’t say anything; she just looked at her the same way. Then, as a smile lit up her face, she pulled Delphine in her embrace. She didn’t need more; she didn’t need other words, this simple gesture of acceptance was enough for Delphine to know she was still loved, that she was accepted no matter what._

_She felt her eyes tear up, but this time she knew they were happy, relieved tears._

_As she pulled back, Chelsea said, “I’m so, so happy you found yourself. I’m really happy for you, Cormier.” Her tone was softer than usual, kinder. “So will you tell me about the girl who made you realize it?”_

-.-.-.- 

The next morning when her clock ringed, she was confused as to where she was at first. Last night she’d stayed up until late, reading into the physics book she purchased from the store. 

Even though she couldn’t exactly understand everything, the explications were precise and specific and they helped her form ideas. 

Without noticing, she found herself burying more and more into it. With every page she turned, she was getting more interested than she would’ve expected. 

Her first consult wasn’t until noon, so she busied herself with charting once she arrived in for work. Again, she’d been pretty absorbed in the papers, so when Chelsea’s arms surrounded her from behind it took her a little by surprise. 

She was so familiar with her presence, with her touch, she was sure it was her; besides, no one else really acted this way around her. 

“Morning, Chelsea,” she said. 

“I think… I think you might have a thing for papers, especially for charts and patients’ histories,” she told her, her face close to Delphine’s. She flicked through the pages on the table and besides unknown names to her, her eye caught something familiar. A name more than familiar; it was her own. 

Detaching herself from Delphine’s back, she picked up her own chart. Delphine felt a jolt of guilt, for some reason. Like she was caught reading something she wasn’t supposed to. 

“Why is this here?” she asked her. 

“I just… I just wanted to look over them. You have your biopsy today,” Delphine reminded her. 

“I know I do,” she said, sounding spent and annoyed about it. Putting the file back down, she turned her look at Delphine. 

“Please don’t be mad, I just wanted to study them,” Delphine tried to explain. 

Chelsea waved her hand, shaking her head in denial. “I’m not… I’m not mad. But I don’t want you to stress over this, or to worry too much. You shouldn’t let it consume you, it’s not worth it.” 

“But you are. Besides, it’s not exhausting. I’m just preparing.” 

“It’s not like you have to do the surgery. You just have to be there for me,” she said and lowered her voice, “to support me.” 

“And I will be there. But I’m also a doctor.”

“So you’re curious?” Chelsea asked, raising an eyebrow, one corner of her lips turning into a smile. 

“I’m _interested_. Interested and committed to this,” she replied matter-of-factly. 

“Good to know you won’t dump my ass in the middle of the recovery,” she joked. 

Delphine threw her a perplexed look. “I still don’t understand how you’re so cool about it.” 

“I told you, this is an obstacle I have to overcome. And I will,” she told her confidently. 

As they smiled at each other, an angry, but rather annoyed voice grew more and more audible to both of them, until it stopped right next to the door. Delphine recognized it without seeing the person. “Stop making it such a big deal. It’s not.” 

A pause followed in which the two friends only stared at each other, as if waiting for the next part. “Well then don’t be,” the voice snapped and hung up. 

The sound of her heeled boots on the floor sounded like drums as she made her way in the lounge. Throwing her bag carelessly on a couch, she didn’t notice the two women at the table. 

“Morning, Niehaus,” Chelsea said, looking at her from over her shoulder. 

Cosima turned briskly to face the girls. “Oh, hey guys, I’m sorry I stormed in like that,” she said, her voice and her attitude visibly changed since the phone call. 

“It’s okay. It’s everything alright, though?” 

“Yeah, yeah, perfect. Just some misunderstandings and uhm… stubbornness…” 

“Well, I see you’ve arrived right on time today,” Delphine said, trying to lift her spirit. Cosima tittered, approaching the table. 

“And how are you guys?” she asked them both. 

“We’re good. Ready to start the week,” Chelsea informed her. 

Cosima glanced at Delphine, smiling at her in that known cheeky way of hers, and then her eyes dropped on the papers in front of her. 

“You’re really giving this week a good first kick, aren’t you?” Cosima asked the blonde. 

“I always do,” Delphine said somewhat proudly. 

Moving closer to her, Chelsea said, “Yeah, she’s got a thing for charting.” 

Cosima’s smile widened, laughing. 

“I’ve got a thing for getting my job done,” Delphine corrected her, standing up. 

Chelsea placed her arm on Cosima’s shoulder like they were forming some kind of resistance, and Cosima seemed to went along with it, saying, “We know you do.” 

“And it’s very inspiring,” Chelsea added. 

Clearing her throat, Delphine told Cosima, “Well, if you’re done making fun of me, get your lab coat because we have our patients to check on.” 

“Oh, the team is back in action. That’s fine, I understand, I’ll back off then,” Chelsea said, as Cosima went back to her bag. 

Delphine laughed, “I’ll see you later, okay?” 

Chelsea picked up the look, nodding. 

“So which one of them is the first one?” Delphine asked her once they were moving towards their patients. 

“Valentina’s the first one. If they’re both doing well, we’re ready to discharge them,” Cosima informed her. 

“Let’s see, then,” Delphine said. “Good morning, Valentina.” 

“Doctors, good to see you again,” she greeted them with a smile on her face. 

“You, too,” Cosima said. “How are you feeling?” 

“I’m feeling great. I got to rest, I ate. We’re both feeling great,” she said, looking over at Aurora in a crib. 

“Well, let me do a final test and if everything’s good, we’ll discharge you,” Cosima told her. 

As she was taking her temperature, her blood pressure, her baby started whining, making the sounds right before crying. 

“Don’t worry, I got her,” Delphine offered and picked up the infant. She fit in Delphine’s arms perfectly. 

She positioned her in the same way she did with Natalie’s daughter, Maya, in the NICU. Rocking her gently, the whimpers and cries slowly died out, replaced by lazy yawns. 

Delphine smiled, saying, “Hey there, Aurora.” Her voice was tranquil, melodious. To her lazy yawns she added the little stretches which widened Delphine’s smile more. Her small, chubby hands didn’t reach the top of her head and the gesture seemed to melt Valentina’s heart too. 

“Okay, so judging by your and your baby’s latest tests, you’re ready to go home,” Cosima announced after she looked through the papers. 

“That’s wonderful, thank you,” she said, “to both of you. Especially for making my delivery easier.” 

Handing Aurora over to her mother, she told her, “You were very strong and resistant, we both admired it.” 

After they discharged her, they stopped by Joy’s room. She was on her feet, walking around, holding Chandler. 

“Getting some exercise already?” Cosima asked her friend. 

“Oh, hey,” Joy said, turning to them. “He was crying so I thought instead of lying, I could walk around for a bit.” 

“Well, I’ll give you a tip,” Delphine said. “Walking around does make them calm down faster.” 

“I’ll do it more often then.” 

While chatting, Cosima did the check-up on Joy and Delphine on Chandler, making sure they were both okay and ready to go home. After they were cleared, having no problems occurred in the last three days, she thanked them both again, promising them they’ll be back to visit them. 

Delphine’s day passed in the same pace. Her state never really mattered when it came to her work; regardless of her joyful, neutral or downcast day, her smile, whether genuine or not, still remained on. But that wasn’t it; she worked and worked, checking on kids with different illnesses, some more common, others much more troubling, she worked until it became so intriguing and appealing to her that it wasn’t a job anymore. Sure, sometimes the situation didn’t call for excitement, but she did it either way with interest, and it slowly became more than a job. It was more than a responsibility to heal and help; it became a need. 

So when she discharged her last patient for the day, she felt not only satisfied, but fulfilled. Noticing it was still early, 7 PM, she pulled out her phone that buzzed in her pocket, she remembered about Chelsea’s biopsy and panicked for a second, thinking she forgot. 

_The biopsy will take place in OR 4, in 30 minutes. I’m in 1B._

The text message raised her from her chair, driving her to the usual exam room. 

This time Chelsea was on the couch, watching the scans, seemingly absent-minded. Delphine sat down next to her slowly. She took her warm hand, giving it a little squeeze. 

“It’s just an obstacle,” Delphine said, her tone calm. 

“It’s just an obstacle,” Chelsea repeated. 

-.-.-.- 

“I’ll be in the gallery,” Delphine told Chelsea once she was in a hospital gown, on a hospital bed in her room. 

“It shouldn’t take long,” Chelsea replied. “How long will it take?” she asked Dr. Adams. 

“I’m doing a needle biopsy, which as you know requires me to drill a hole in your skull and insert a needle which will allow me to extract a tiny portion of the tumor,” he replied. “It won’t be invasive, so it won’t take long.” 

Chelsea and Delphine nodded at the same time. 

“And the recovery?” 

“You’ll be able to wake up after the surgery, but I advise you spend the night here.” 

“She will,” Delphine reassured him. 

“Yes, I will. You won’t,” Chelsea said, guessing Delphine’s thoughts. 

“But-“ 

“No buts. I’ll need the sleep. You will too. Besides, I’ll be here when you come in for work, so you can bring me some clothes.” 

Delphine still wanted to stay overnight, to be next to her but she knew Chelsea was right. She knew they’ll both need a good sleep. And if there was an emergency, she’d be paged right away. 

“Well, see you tomorrow, Cormier,” Chelsea told her when they had to part ways. 

“Yes,” Delphine said, her voice slightly weak. 

“Hey, no crying, not yet,” Chelsea said, her smile on. “And no sleeping here. Go home, okay?” 

Delphine nodded. She squeezed her hand one more time, finally smiling. 

As they were already rolling her bed away from Delphine, Chelsea added, “Oh, and no charting. You either go out somewhere or go home, but not charting, okay?” Delphine laughed this time. “Message received.” 

The OR gallery was empty, and for the better, because Delphine didn’t really want anyone up there. 

Truthfully, the biopsy didn’t take long and Dr. Adams wasn’t one to waste time. And yet, she felt like her heart would beat out of her chest, like her shaking wouldn’t stop. While her eyes were still glued to the surgery, she stood up, walking alongside the row of chairs, back and forth, to stop feeling her shaking so profoundly. 

Her nails scarped skin on her fingers and she did it without noticing. Her eyes flew from the neurosurgeon’s movements to the heart monitor like she was following the ball in a game. 

When he declared the surgery over and a success, she made her way to Chelsea’s room. As soon as they brought her there and they were left alone, Delphine’s temptation to stick around was so big that she almost decided she’d stay there. 

Chelsea’s face looked so calm, serene and peaceful; like she was sleeping. 

Then Delphine had to remind herself that she _was_ just sleeping and that the biopsy was a success, that no complications happened and that soon it’ll be over. 

As she was still weighing whether she should stay or not, she felt her phone buzz again. 

It was a message from Cosima. 

_Considering we’ve officially discharged three healthy women and their babies as a team, what do you say we celebrate with a drink tonight?_

She smiled. They did that; they brought three babies in this world together, as the team that they considered themselves now. 

She looked up at Chelsea’s face and she could see her smile; she could hear her say “Go.” 

She could see her make her go, give her the impulse and push to go. 

_Wait for me outside. I’ll be ready in 5 minutes,_ she replied. 

Looking one more time at her best friend, she caressed her face softly. “You did great, Nichols.” 

Once back in the lounge, she put her grey coat on, picking up her bag. 

Making her way to the exit, she could see through the glass doors the red coat and the black boots outside, waiting for her. As she opened it, Cosima turned and greeted her with a smile she didn’t expect to be the one she need to see. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit short, I know, but the next one will have some real action, I promise!


	7. A Moment's Infinity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cosima took Delphine to that bar and things unfolded a bit differently than Delphine thought they would...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's not Thursday, but I tried to post yesterday and the site crashed and didn't save a draft, so I'm sorry for that...

The air outside was cold, and besides the street lights, there was a smoldering night surrounding them. Cosima was smiling warmly as Delphine approached her. 

“Delphine,” Cosima said once they were close. “How did your day go?” 

“It was okay, and yours?” 

“Acceptable, so to say. Where do you want to go? There’s a bar close-by which I really like,” she told her. 

“Okay, take me there, then,” Delphine replied, a smile finally gracing her features. 

“Let’s go,” she said and put a hand on the small of Delphine’s back, guiding her. For a second she tensed up at the touch, feeling it intensely, even though it was concealed by her coat. She hadn’t been with anyone for a long time, so she genuinely longed for someone to just hold her hand or to have someone to sleep next to. She did work a lot, but nights sometimes got too lonely and cold. 

So when Cosima’s hand drifted away from her back, she felt the same thing as she used to feel on some nights, now intensified by the cold, late autumn air. 

She didn’t know whether Cosima had someone or if she was single, she didn’t know if she liked her in that way… and as they walked along the lit up Montréal streets she couldn’t help but think about it. 

As she glanced at her with the corner of her eye, barely turning her head, she saw her smile. Even when she walked, her mouth, her eyes smiled and it made Delphine wonder what made her happy. 

“I really like these cold nights, in autumn, winter, I like them all. I like to think that the cold makes our blood run more thoroughly, that it puts our body in motion in order to warm up, and not that it freezes it,” she explained, while occasionally turning her head to Delphine. She also noticed how she liked to gesture when she explained something. Her hands were motioning left and right, helping her point be understood better. “Oh and when it snows? Gosh, I love that, especially in the evening. You know how people say they like longs walks on the beach? Well, I like long walks on a cold winter evening, while it snows. The white matter just covering everything from roofs, to trees and roads, visible due to street and house lights, it’s just so beautiful. And then when you go home and wrap yourself in a blanket with a tea or better yet, a cocoa,” she added and looked at Delphine at that last part, making them both laugh. “I really love those evenings.” 

Delphine looked at her again and smiled. Before getting to say anything, they arrived at the bar. It didn’t look like anything fancy from the outside, which is what Delphine needed. She just wanted a drink and to be able to talk to Cosima, without having to shout; not after the day she had. 

When they entered they were welcomed with wave of warmth, the faint smell of smoke tingling Delphine’s senses. As she glanced around while taking her coat off, she noticed the literal bar with a few high chairs and several tables placed a few feet from them. Then, as her eyes traveled to the back of the room there was a small dance floor. There was music playing in the background, but nothing Delphine recognized. 

“It’s never too crowded, that’s why I love it so much here. The people who come here are mainly from the hospital, so don’t trip if you see a familiar face,” Cosima chuckled. “The drinks are really good and the music is even better. Also, you can dance any time you want,” she said, gesturing towards the space in the back. 

“That’s great, but at the moment I really need a drink,” Delphine admitted and they made their way to the high chairs at the end of the bar. 

“Evening, Cosima,” said a man behind the bar with a short bun at the top of his black hair. “The usual?” 

“Yes, Sammy, please,” she answered as they sat down. “And for you?” she asked Delphine. 

“Whiskey neat, please,” she told the bartender. 

“Coming right up, ladies,” he replied. 

As her eyes wandered around the bar for a bit more, Delphine admitted she liked it so far. Then, as her eyes landed on her scratched fingers, she sighed. Even if she was fine for now, Chelsea still hand a long road ahead, and Delphine was afraid. She was scared and worried and lonely. 

“Hey,” Cosima said in a soft voice, placing a warm hand on top of Delphine’s. “Are you sure everything’s okay?” 

Delphine hesitated; she didn’t know what to tell her, she didn’t know if she’d have to elaborate or not and not only did she not really feel like it, but she wasn’t sure she would tell anyone about Chelsea. 

“No, not really …” she said, looking down at their hands. She wanted to tell her; she wanted to tell her everything. She just wanted to talk to Cosima all night, if possible. Cosima’s head dropped to a side, watching Delphine. 

Seeing she didn’t push her, she continued on her own. “Everything is a bit… unclear and rather unpleasant at the moment, but… things will get better,” she said, finally looking up at Cosima. “It’ll get better.” 

“See, that’s what I admire with you. Even if things suck, you still find the silver lining and you still search for the light. I love your optimism.” 

“Well, we’ll end up getting lost if we don’t dare to imagine the end of the forest, to search for pathways.” 

A smile curled up on Cosima’s face, her light brown eyes sparkling in the bar’s lights. Delphine noticed how Cosima’s eyes’ colors always changed depending on the lighting, and she really liked it. 

As Cosima detached her hand from Delphine’s, she felt the same forlorn, lonely feeling yet again; like she dreaded not feeling Cosima anymore. 

“One Bloody Mary for you,” Sammy said, placing her drink in front of her, “and one whiskey neat for your pretty friend,” he added, smiling at Delphine. She started to blush, but she was lucky it wasn’t visible due to the bar’s dim lights. 

“Okay, easy there, cowboy,” Cosima told him. Delphine couldn’t help but think a little that remark sounded like a faint jealousy. 

“Relax, I’m just stating facts,” he said honestly. 

“You never call me pretty,” she then complained. 

“But you already know you’re the most gorgeous girl in here,” Sammy told her, and they laughed. 

“Well, not the most gorgeous, but thanks for the compliment, cousin.” 

“Enjoy your drinks, ladies,” he said and went on to take care of another client. 

“I’m sorry for him, he often tends to be flirty,” Cosima apologized. 

“It runs in the family, then,” she said and they laughed. “It’s okay,” Delphine added, chuckling. 

“Oh, so you know you’re pretty. You get that a lot, don’t you?” she said and laughed more when Delphine’s face turned concerned. “I’m kidding, I know you’re shy.” 

“Is it that obvious?” she asked. 

“It is, but it’s not bad, believe me. You just need to know that you _are_ pretty.” 

“Thank you… I just… I never really received these compliments,” she admitted. 

“Not even from boyfriends?” she asked surprised. 

“Well, they did tell me I was pretty or hot, but never something deeper, or more meaningful, you know,” she said. 

“Yeah, well, then they weren’t worth your attention and time,” Cosima stated simply, sipping from her drink. 

Remembering she had one too, Delphine smiled genuinely, and said, “Thanks, Cosima. Cheers,” before taking a long sip from the alcohol. She closed her eyes, letting the drink burn all the way down her neck until all she could taste was its faint flavor. 

“Get some more in,” Cosima said, lifting her hand, bringing the glass to her lips. 

Delphine did as she was told, drinking more until there wasn’t much left. 

She felt the drink go up to her head. 

“Do you like reading?” Delphine asked her out of the blue. 

“Oh, yes, I love it,” Cosima said, widening her eyes and drawing closer to the edge of the seat. “There’s this bookshop a few blocks away from your flat… it’s one of the best ones I’ve seen. It’s not big, but they have all sorts of books and I sometimes spend hours there just studying the titles. And they bring in new things every week. It’s one of my favorite places.” 

_I know; I saw you._

For a second she almost told her she saw her, but then she thought better. How would she explain why she didn’t say hello when she didn’t even know herself? 

“You should check it out,” Cosima told her. 

“I will, I will,” Delphine reassured her. 

_I’m going back, that’s for sure._

Cosima smiled at her, and Delphine did too, staring into her eyes. Admittedly, she just wanted to keep on looking into her eyes, to keep on studying their color in as many settings as possible, to see the excitement and happiness light them over and over again. 

For some reason she felt like she wasn’t going to get to do that and as a wave of calamity hit her, she broke their gaze, downing the bit of whiskey she had left. 

-.-.-.- 

“Well, this was really good and needed, so thank you for that,” Delphine said as they went back outside in the cold, midnight air. 

“I had a good time too, we should do this more often,” Cosima said. 

“We should,” Delphine said. The few drinks she had made her feel tipsy. 

“Let’s go to the taxi station,” Cosima said and they walked in its direction. 

They arrived quickly to satisfyingly find out there were many cabs. Waiting for one at this hour really was cold, even for Cosima. 

“Well, see you at work then,” Cosima said as they came to a stop. 

“Yes,” Delphine nodded. Staring at the woman in front of her again, she felt like she might have a little courage to do something she might just regret the next day. Smiling, she leaned in and kissed her cheek softly. 

“Good night, Niehaus,” she told her and got into a cab before Cosima got the chance to say or do anything else. 

On her ride home she replayed that last minute with Cosima, already regretting it and it wasn’t even morning. That wasn’t a friendly kiss; at least that wasn’t what she felt when she leaned in. 

That was so stupid… Cosima might as well just be involved with someone; she never asked, she was never interested in finding out and now that she kept thinking all this time she realized she just didn’t want to find out. 

As soon as she arrived home she showered quickly and went straight to bed. She wanted to call it a day; to postpone all her worries aside, to leave them for tomorrow. 

And as she lay in bed, yet again her last image was of Cosima, her dreads flying as her head turned in her direction, her warm hand pressed upon her own, her eyes shining… and her cold, but soft cheek. 

Wondering what the hell this was about, all these thoughts, these images that stuck to her mind, she fell asleep without reaching to a conclusion. 

-.-.-.- 

“Good morning,” she greeted Chelsea next morning with a big smile. “How are you feeling?” 

“Cormier! I missed your pretty face,” she said, pushing herself up the pillows. Her voice was still a bit sleepy. “I’m feeling great, and you?” 

“I’m good. I brought you some clothes to change,” Delphine said, sitting down next to her bed. 

“That’s great, thanks, but Dr. Adams advised me to rest today too and go home tonight,” she said. 

Delphine’s face turned worried. 

“No, no, relax, everything’s fine. But he said I could use the rest a bit what with my schedule and all.” 

“Oh, okay… well, the biopsy went well, as I’m sure you’ve heard,” she informed her. 

“I did. And what did you do? I noticed you weren’t here, so unless you sneaked out during the break of the dawn, you listened to me,” Chelsea told her. 

“No, I didn’t stay here, though the temptation was rather big.” Seeing Chelsea raising her eyebrow, she continued. “But I didn’t! And guess what, I went out… for drinks… with Cosima.” 

“ _What?_ ” Chelsea said, her mouth falling open in surprise. “Tell me everything!” 

She told her everything about last night, making sure to include that last kiss in the picture. 

“ _You did what?! _” Her smile grew wider.__

____

“I was tipsy and I just got this wave of courage and kissed her on the cheek, nothing else,” Delphine said and she couldn’t help but look innocent. 

____

“But how come? Why’d you do that?” 

____

“I don’t know, I didn’t even know I wanted to do it before I actually did it.” 

____

“Oh, Delphine…” Chelsea shook her head, while continuing to smile. 

____

“Is it that bad? I’ll apologize to her, it was too much maybe,” she said. 

____

“Well… if you feel something for her… it wasn’t anything but you testing the waters. Even if you were tipsy, your brain still reacted.” 

____

“But that’s the thing… I don’t know I feel something for her. I don’t know anything about her sexuality or whether she’s single or taken or anything.” 

____

“Well… talk to her. Ask her without outing yourself. Just make it another conversation,” she told her. 

____

“I’ll try, but… gosh, why is everything so hard?” she whined, dropping her head on the bed, next to Chelsea’ hand. 

____

Stroking her hair, she told her, “I know it is… try facing a tumor.” 

____

“Too dark,” she answered, her voice slightly muffled by the sheets. 

____

They spent some more time talking before Delphine headed out to do her consults, and on the corridor she met with the face she didn’t know whether she wanted to see or not. Either way, when Cosima spotted her, she approached her, smiling. 

____

“Morning, Delphine. You feeling better?” she asked her. 

____

“A bit,” she replied, feeling her nerves building up in her stomach. “Listen, I wanted to apologize for… for last night. I over-stepped and I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or confused. I was-“ 

____

“Okay, no, I won’t let you continue. Don’t apologize, Delphine, I know what it was. You don’t have to worry about it. It’s totally fine,” Cosima rambled, visibly just as anxious as Delphine. 

____

_You know what it was? Care to tell me too?_

____

Delphine smiled, though not sincerely; she was even more confused than before. Did this mean that Cosima liked it? That she was now expecting more? Or that it was simply an act in the rush of the feeling? 

____

“So, I have another delivery tomorrow, can I count you in?” she said, her look somewhat hopeful. 

____

As her smile brightened her features, Delphine nodded. “Definitely. Go team, right?” 

____

“Go team,” Cosima agreed, winking at her. 

____

____

-.-.-.- 

____

____

“Here’s to the team of the evening!” Sammy said, bringing their drinks and setting them in front of them. 

____

They had delivered the baby Cosima told her about the previous day; it had been another tough labor, but they brought another baby to the world. At one point both of them were thinking the pregnant woman might not make it, the stress being so big that her heart almost collapsed completely. They had to resuscitate her, therefore ending the pregnancy with a C-section and not a natural delivery. 

____

But they did it. 

____

“Thanks, Sammy,” Delphine said, much more cheerful than the previous day. She discovered that working with Cosima actually made her really happy, being around her all day, checking in with her. “But it’s this brilliant woman’s merit,” she said, turning to Cosima whose radiant smile lit up the darkened room. “It really is, this time, so don’t go turning the attention to me. You saved that woman. You helped her to be able to enjoy her life with her baby. I just took him over. So cheers to you, Niehaus!” 

____

Though it never really happened, Cosima seemed to be rather speechless. She continued to smile, her expression glowing. 

____

“Cheers to us,” she replied, clinking the two shot glasses. They both downed the Vodka at the same time, almost immediately relaxing. 

____

After a couple more of those they definitely released the day’s stress. As a vivid song came on with definite sounds and a distinct rhythm, Cosima widened her eyes, hopping down from the chair. 

____

“Come on, let’s unwind a little more,” she said, extending her hand to Delphine. 

____

“Oh, no, I can’t-“ 

____

“But you will,” Cosima laughed and pulled Delphine’s hand until they were on the dance floor where she let it go only to start waving it through the air, her hips moving along with the rhythm. 

____

Delphine looked at her for a minute, her eyes closed, her mouth still smiling slightly; she was carried away by the beat, swaying her hips, acing the movements. 

____

Without tearing her eyes from Cosima’s body, Delphine started moving her own in the way she knew best, in the same way she did when she was at home, dancing alone. She found her rhythm, the cadence that matched the song. 

____

Eventually she closed her eyes too, moving without a certain pattern, dropping her head to sides, feeling her hair tickling her cheeks. 

____

She couldn’t unsee the previous image she registered of Cosima dancing, so she opened her eyes to find that Cosima was doing the exact same thing; the dreadlocked girl didn’t care about the other people in the bar, she didn’t care about the surroundings as long as she had the music and that was visible by her careless smile, by the side to side movements her hips made that seemed just so irresistible and enchanting. 

____

She wanted to only watch her dance if possible, to just watch her and marvel at her mesmerizing figure. 

____

Then, as she opened her eyes they found Delphine still next to her, she smirked, grabbing her hand and drawing her closer to her until their bodies were touching and their faces were inches away. 

____

Cosima continued to smile, continued to move her hips like it was no big deal and Delphine immediately felt the difference between rocking her hips in the air and moving them while meeting another person’s. It was the difference and the distance between all the space she had and the intimacy they now shared. 

____

As she was closer to Cosima than she’s ever been, her scent flooded her senses again and she found herself doing the same thing Cosima was. They were dancing together, blending and completing each other’s movements. 

____

Delphine didn’t think any more about this, about how they’d come to dance so freely, little to no space between them; she just enjoyed the moment; she enjoyed the music and she enjoyed Cosima’s presence. She couldn’t take her eyes off her alluring body, her beaming eyes. 

____

____

-.-.-.- 

____

____

“You were really amazing in there,” Delphine said once they were outside in the cold air yet again. 

____

Cosima laughed and linked her arm to Delphine’s pocketed one. “I told you I really like dancing.” 

____

“Okay, but you were pretty much… _on fire_ ,” Delphine said, still astonished by her talent. 

____

“I just let my body speak and reply to the music,” she answered honestly. “You weren’t so bad yourself.” 

____

Now it was Delphine’s turn to laugh. “I could never compare to you, though.” 

____

“That’s true,” Cosima joked. 

____

When they said their goodbyes, Delphine was tempted to do it again, to kiss her cheek again, but something told her she shouldn’t. What with all the electric dance that just happened back in the bar, she felt like she had somewhat… intruded Cosima’s space, even if she was the one to drag her closer to her. 

____

For some reason she felt like it wasn’t just… 

____

So they grabbed separate cabs, wishing each other good night with reluctant smiles. Both of them were languishing to reach out, to go back to the connection they had just a little while ago. 

____

When she was finally wrapped in her blankets, in her comfortable bed, Delphine drifted to sleep quickly, without thinking of anything. 

____

Though from that night the whisks of dreads, a flash of the red coat, the glasses on her brown, hardwood floor and her expert, swift hands operating the surgical instruments started habituating her dreams more and more often. 

____


	8. She's A Prater

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prater (n.) - someone who talks foolishly, at a tedious length.
> 
> Delphine is working on a case with someone else other than Cosima, and she does not enjoy it too much.

The next morning when Delphine and Chelsea were changing in their work clothes, Delphine couldn’t help but again open the hottest subject of the moment. “So, if that kiss on the cheek seemed like a big step in whatever our relationship is, then what I’ll tell you next should leave you pretty speechless,” she told Chelsea. 

“Oh, it gets better,” Chelsea said with an interested tone. 

“It gets… better, sure. So we went out for drinks again last night-“ 

“Okay, I have to intervene right here. I never managed to get you out for drinks more than once a week, sometimes even a month and she did two days in a row? I don’t know if I should feel offended or proud,” she said, her smile abiding. 

“Well, I’ll let you decide, because while we were in the bar, after a few shots, this slow, rhythmic song came on and she got up and grabbed my hand to the dance floor and we… we danced.” 

Chelsea’s eyes widened, but they were expecting the next part. She knew there must be a next part because dancing wasn’t bigger than a kiss. 

“We danced separately at first, but then… then she took my hand again and drew me closer to her until there was pretty much no more space between us,” Delphine said, biting her lower lip. 

Chelsea’s expression was bewildered, she didn’t say anything right away, she just looked away and continued to smile. 

Eventually, she found her words, and said, “So basically you danced together, your bodies touching in a darkened space at a late hour after a few shots.” 

“That’s… yeah, that’s pretty much it,” Delphine admitted, while nodding slowly, reflectively. “She just looked so good doing it… she has some skills, I’m telling you. It was like she was in her own world, without caring about anything else.” 

“I can assure you she cared about your presence there, after hearing all that. This is a whole new level, Cormier,” Chelsea said, standing up and putting her coat on. “I congratulate you and I will have to congratulate Cosima.” 

“No, you won’t. Don’t mention it, I already have a feeling things will be awkward between us.” 

“They don’t have to be. Just don’t make them awkward.” 

Delphine put her hands in the air, her face confused. 

“Just go with the flow, Delphine. It sounds lame, but it’s true.” 

Even if this whole situation flustered her, Delphine put these thoughts aside in order to do her job. One thing she was good at was taking her problems, locking them in a box and putting them aside her work box. And now when the work box would open, the problems box would wait until she was ready to open it again. 

When she checked her agenda, she saw that besides her usual consults she had a different case to work on, this time with a fellow colleague of hers. 

Her name was Tiffany Parker and she’d been hired to work here at the same time as Delphine. She hadn’t worked with her before, so she didn’t know anything about her. When she walked up to Delphine in the lounge to say hello, the first thing the French woman noticed was her long, black hair and her big, brown eyes. 

“Hi, I’m Dr. Parker, it’s nice to finally meet you,” she said with a high-pitched voice. 

“Delphine Cormier, likewise,” she said, shaking her hand. 

“Oh, you’re French?” she asked inquisitively. 

“Yes, but I was born here,” she said the sentence she repeated to everyone who asked about her nationality. 

“That’s great! I love France, by the way. All the fashion and the food, oh it’s heavenly,” she told her, a bit over-excitedly. 

“Yeah, it’s a great country,” Delphine replied. 

“So our patient, 5-year-old Savannah Davis has Leukemia, poor little girl,” she said as they were heading to the patient’s room. “We have a few courses of treatment which we’ll discuss over together and then with the parents after we consult her.” 

“Alright,” Delphine agreed, thinking for some reason it would be a hard day. 

Savannah was a beautiful, but shy girl, inhibited by her disease. While Tiffany was discussing with the parents, Delphine checked up on her. 

“Hi, Savannah, my name is Delphine Cormier and I’ll be your doctor. I’ll help you get through your disease and heal, alright?” she asked her, smiling. 

She nodded shyly. 

Even if she knew most information, she asked her anyway, to try and open the little girl up a bit. “So how old are you?” 

“I’ll be 6 in 11 months,” she said. 

“Oh, so you’ve recently celebrated your birthday?” Delphine asked her curiously. 

She nodded again, this time more vigorously. 

Delphine asked her to take a deep breath in to check her breathing. She didn’t hear any irregularities, and when she moved over to listen to her heartbeat, there were no murmurs. 

“And what do you like to do?” she asked the girl, while putting her rubber gloves on to take some blood samples. 

“Well, I have a few dolls which I like to put in different situations, but I mostly like to play with my animals who have a farm and you have to take care of them, to feed them and put them to sleep when they’re tired,” she told Delphine. 

“So you like playing on your phone?” She tied an elastic band around her arm to make her veins more visible. 

To Delphine’s surprise and satisfaction, she said, “I don’t have a phone. My parents didn’t get me one because mommy has one, but I don’t like to play on it. I like to play with my toys.” 

“Well, that’s great. Toys are the best, aren’t they?” 

Savannah nodded, and she asked with scared eyes, “Are you going to take a lot of my blood?” 

“Oh, no, just a little for some tests so we can see how to treat you. It’ll hurt a little, but I’ll be very gentle, okay?” 

“Okay, I trust you then,” Savannah said, still smiling a bit timidly. 

When Delphine inserted the needle, Savannah shut her eyes tightly, but otherwise, she was quiet while she took out two vials of blood. 

“That was very good, Savannah, not many kids stay still, let alone not say anything,” Delphine congratulated her once she removed the sharp object from the inside of her arm. “You were very brave.” 

“I know I’m not supposed to move because that way it can hurt more,” she replied. 

“That’s exactly why,” Delphine said, nodding. “You did really well and I’ll stop by later when I have your results, okay?” 

“Thank you, Delphine,” the little girl said, her voice so pure that it made the French doctor smile even more. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t help you with the consult,” Tiffany told her after they left the room. “I had to discuss some formalities with the parents.” 

“It was a one man job, anyway. Savannah is a really shy, but brave girl. She barely flinched when I took her blood,” Delphine admitted. 

“Yeah, she’s a cutie.” 

_She’s more than a cutie… but anyway,_ Delphine thought, starting to be irritated. 

“Well, I’ll take the blood samples to the lab and we should talk about the plan,” Delphine concluded. 

“Page me when you have them,” she told her. 

The results didn’t come until the evening, but they were able to discuss the course of treatment no matter what the results revealed, so before lunch they met in the attendings lounge and talked. 

“Either way we look at this, we have three big options,” Tiffany started. “They all depend on how much her disease has advanced, which we’ll find out from the results. First is chemotherapy, but that’s not as invasive which we’ll go with if her leukemia hasn’t progressed. Second is radiation therapy, and we’re already talking about it if it’s grown. Third, most invasive, is the stem cell transplant.” 

“But that’s for the worst case scenario. It requires both radiation and the transplant. It’s going to put her through a very tough road.” 

“Yeah, let’s hope it won’t be necessary. I personally think we should go with the radiation even if it hasn’t advanced. This way we’ll know for sure that the rays killed every cancerous cell.” 

Delphine furrowed her brow, looking at her colleague in disbelief and contradiction. “Why would you do that?” 

“Excuse me?” Tiffany said, looking up from the chart she’d been reading while talking to Delphine. 

“Why would you want to put her though more physical exhaustion than necessary?” 

“That way we’ll know for sure there’s no risk for her to go through other diseases in the future,” she explained. 

“You can never eliminate diseases or viruses completely. I don’t see why we should give her the radiation at all when the chemo would cure her just well,” Delphine clarified calmly. 

“I told you, because-“ 

“But I don’t see the point,” Delphine interrupted her, getting irritated again. “We’re just putting her through something much harder when we have an easier option that guarantees her healing.” 

“Does it?” Tiffany asked. 

“It does! It’s scientifically proven, Tiffany! So many kids and people healed just with the chemo _if_ the cells hadn’t grown, obviously,” she said, almost yelling, but she stopped when Tiffany’s expression was dumbfounded. Lowering her tone, she tried to continue more calmly. “Look, what I’m saying is that we should wait until the tests results come back and decide then, alright?” 

Seeing she wasn’t as pissed anymore –or so she thought- Tiffany smiled and said, “D’accord,” in a butchered French accent. 

Delphine tried to soften her expression, though doubting she managed to. 

Still fuming with anger, she went down to the cafeteria, hoping she could eat and unwind a little. 

Scanning the room for Chelsea while she was in line, she noticed her at their usual table, but she wasn’t alone. Cosima was sitting next to her and they were talking and laughing. 

_Goddamn it, Chelsea…_

She thanked the cafeteria lady more hastily then she usually did and made her way to the table where her two friends continued to laugh their asses off. 

Delphine felt the need to fill them in with her latest experiences regarding her coworkers. She never really trash-talked anyone, but Tiffany had really taken her there. Luckily, both Cosima and Chelsea thought the same about her, so Delphine didn’t feel guilty. 

After a pause, Cosima said, “So I’m guessing you miss me then.” She laughed, making Delphine’s smile appear. 

“I do, you’re so much better to work with,” she admitted. “So what were you guys talking before I came here?” 

“Cosima just told me about her day,” she said. “And about her last night,” she added, throwing a subliminal look and smiled when Delphine’s eyes panicked slightly. 

“Yeah, I was just telling her how good of a dancer you are,” Cosima told Delphine, and she said it without making it awkward or uncomfortable. Delphine’s conclusion to last night was that Cosima simply had fun and that she’s done it with friends before. 

“But again, I’m nothing compare to this one,” Delphine said, pushing through her insecurities. Cosima started giggling, dropping her head. “I mean you should’ve seen her lighting up that dance floor.” 

“I was just in my element,” she said honestly. 

“Your element must have been pretty good, then. Delphine doesn’t really consider anyone a good dancer. She’s picky,” Chelsea told her. 

“That’s true,” Delphine admitted, laughing. 

“I mean, you’re lucky,” Chelsea told Cosima, joking. 

“I think I was the lucky one,” Delphine said matter-of-factly. 

Chelsea lowered her head, her eyes surprised, holding back her laughter. 

Cosima’s pager then went off again, and it might have been at the right time. Cosima’s cheeks were rosy from blushing, and Delphine’s started to be too. 

Excusing herself, she left with a smile on her face and after she was out of the cafeteria doors Chelsea finally let out her laugh. 

“You’re the lucky one?” she asked, laughing even harder when Delphine’s face turned exasperated. 

She put her face in her hands, asking, “What’s wrong with me?” 

“I think you might just be into her, love,” Chelsea replied honestly. 

“Should I not tell you what we talked about before you arrived?” she asked when she saw the blonde’s scared expression. 

Delphine weighed the question. “Do I wanna know?” 

Chelsea nodded frantically. Delphine eventually bowed her head too. 

“Firstly, you should know that she was really casual about it. When she told me about it she did it in her well-known detached, easy-going way. Anyhow, she said that as you drank, you both started relaxing. And usually when she does that, she liked to dance cause that’s what makes her most loose. So she took you along and the reason behind why you danced so closely to each other was because she likes to feel connected with the person she dances or hangs out with. She just likes to feel that energy that keeps your presence linked.” 

That’s exactly what Delphine felt; that connection, that energy between the two of them that just kept them there, the dynamic they contribute to. 

And that’s what she was afraid of in this case. 

She waited for that last part with her eyes expectant. 

“She told me that she’d never had such a powerful stamina with anyone else,” Chelsea said and leaned back on her chair like she had just dropped the mic. It did feel that way. 

Delphine felt shivers running down her spine, as a smile curled her lips. 

-.-.-.- 

With Savannah’s blood test results in her hand, Delphine walked to the attendings lounge happily. Her cells hadn’t grown, so she didn’t need a transplant. The only conflict that remained now was between Tiffany’s opinions and her own. 

It was her field, but Delphine just couldn’t get on board with something that could and would put the patient through a harder, unnecessary road. Not when at this point the chemo would kill the malignant cells. 

“Well, thank God it didn’t progress,” Tiffany said as she looked over the results. 

“Oui,” Delphine said, curious of what the hematologist would say next. 

“Delphine, you know I need your consent to do any procedure or treatment on Savannah since you’re her doctor too.” 

The French doctor nodded. 

“Even if I still trust my opinion, I decided that we should take the chemo. It would be a much tougher road for that poor little girl otherwise.” 

Happy as she was that she had persuaded Tiffany, she was still irritated at how she perceived Savannah. Standing up, she said, “She’s strong, you know. For a girl her age, she’s tough.” 

“What are you saying?” Tiffany asked. 

“I’m saying that she could do it. She could go through all that radiation, but she doesn’t have to.” 

Together they went to inform the parents of the course of treatment. 

“So there’s no need for radiation?” Mrs. Davis asked outside Savannah’s room. Once Delphine nodded, both parents sighed in relief. 

“No, we’re going with the chemotherapy,” she replied. 

“Oh, that’s great. We were worried she’d have to go through all that,” Mr. Davis said just as relieved as his wife. 

While they continued to talk, Delphine excused herself and went to talk to Savannah. 

“How are you feeling?” she asked her once she sat down next to her bed. 

“I’m okay,” she answered. “Do I need to have that long treatment Doctor Parker told mommy and daddy about?” 

“No, no you don’t. You’re not so sick to go with that option. It’ll cure you fast.” 

“Thank you, Delphine,” she said, hugging her doctor. 

At the end of the day, when she lay in bed, she replayed the day in her mind. Tiffany was a completely different colleague to work with; she certainly didn’t prefer her. 

Then she thought of her other colleague she’s worked with; she thought of how good of a coworker and an amazing doctor Cosima was, the team they formed. 

It all came back to Cosima. 

No matter how much she put her thoughts, her feelings aside because of fear, they’d resurface sooner or later. She’d have to face them at one point. 

Cosima always found a way to make her way back in her mind, in her dreams. 


	9. The Depth Of A Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another case worked together, different outcome.

The next morning, finally a Friday, she had trouble stopping the alarm, as she felt the week’s fatigue catch up with her. Through a hazy vision she noticed she’d received a text. 

_Morning! I hope I didn’t wake you up or something, I just wanted to tell you I have a really interesting and particularly difficult case and I wanted to ask you to join me. This one’s for us. Text me when you wake up. Or come to the attendings lounge. Anyways. See ya!_

Cosima had sent her the text at 3 AM. 

Despite her eyes fighting to stay open, her mind being disoriented and her body tired, she smiled, closing her eyes and letting her head drop back on the pillow. 

It was Cosima’s nature and her easy-going style, and something more Delphine couldn’t place at 6 in the morning that simply made her smile. 

Her mourning routine, the ride to the hospital seemed to pass much faster; they didn’t take as much time as usual. Not when Cosima’s mystery case beat her sleepiness. 

When she walked in the lounge she was met with the image of Cosima sitting on the chair she usually does, at the same table which was now covered by papers and files and X-rays. 

“Morning,” Delphine greeted her as she made her way to the gynecologist. “I’d like to know how this has come to be,” she continued, gesturing towards the table. 

“Well, you see, Mrs. Diaz came in the ER last night and I was on-call, so I took her on. She’s pregnant. She was complaining of several things, so I tested her, did blood tests, rays and studied her history. She has type 2 diabetes, and she also presented heart weakness. She’s already had a couple of panic attacks,” Cosima said, barely taking a breath. 

“And she’s pregnant?” Delphine asked, surprised. 

“Yep. Almost due.” 

“Such a huge risk…” Delphine sighed, looking over the chart. She still had her coat and bag on her shoulder. “Merde…” 

“That would be the right word, yes.” 

The pediatric doctor thought about it for a moment, reaching a plan. 

“Okay. You go rest for a few hours. I’ll study these and we’ll talk about it over lunch,” she told her. 

“What? No, I’m not sleeping. It’s a tough case, we both need to work on it to figure it out.” 

“And we will. But for that I need your brilliant mind rested and to catch up with the information myself,” she explained, looking at the dreadlocked woman. 

Cosima seemed to think about it; whatever she said, Delphine would still insist for her to rest. Yawns and quick naps weren’t in the program. 

“Fine,” Cosima eventually said. “But wake me up for lunch.” 

Delphine nodded, smiling. 

Cosima did too and as she started rearranging the scattered papers, she said, “So here we have her most recent labs, which I did last night, her previous ones, the chart, the history, other doctor’s recommendations and her X-rays.” 

While she listed the medical records, Delphine changed in her work clothes. 

By the time Cosima was done with arranging the files on sections, Delphine was standing next to her again. She sometimes didn’t even notice the few inches that made her taller than her, especially when Cosima was wearing her heeled ankle boots. 

“Go rest,” she told her. 

Cosima smiled again, a tired, one-sided smile but just as honest. She nodded and as she walked past Delphine, their hands brushed. The whole thing lasted less than two seconds but it was enough for the blonde’s heart to skip. 

She ignored it though, turning to the groups of charts she had to look over. She still had consults to do for the day, so however she was going to combine the two together, she knew she didn’t have any time to lose. She pushed her consults for the afternoon though, focusing entirely on Mrs. Diaz’s case. 

She lost track of time again, diving into the elaborate case, familiarizing herself with it. As she checked her phone hours later, she noticed Cosima had sent her the on-call room number she’d crashed in. 

The time was 2 PM and as she felt her empty stomach growling, she stood up, stretching. The papers were scattered all over the table again. Rearranging them, she thought of how she’d wake up Cosima. It sounded stupid, childish, but with her confused feelings she hardly knew what was what with Cosima. 

But she was overthinking again. 

Just wake her up, she thought. _Pourqoui je dois compliquer mon vie?_ ( _Why do I complicate my life?_ ) 

When she arrived in front of her door, she opened it slowly as if she wasn’t supposed to wake her up. Closing the door behind her, she approached her and saw her sleeping in the same positon she did on her couch a week ago. Her glasses were on the table and her white coat lay by the foot of the bed. Her black heeled boots had been thrown off carelessly by the looks of their current state. 

For a second she felt bad for waking her up; her peaceful, untouched expression made her feel like a terrible person for not letting her continue her sleep. 

“Hey, Cosima,” she whispered as she patted her gently on the shoulder. Groaning, she opened her eyes slowly. 

“Delphine…” she said with a sleepy tone. Then, as she realized where she was and who woke her up, her eyes widened and she got up, suddenly brisk. Checking her wrist watch, she said, “Shit, it’s late. Did you get lunch? Did you read the charts? Did you visit her already? Has she had her baby yet?” 

As she was putting her boots back on, Delphine tried calming her down. “Relax, we’ve got enough time. I’ve studied the papers. We’ll go eat and talk to her afterwards.” 

Cosima nodded and stood up. Handing her glasses, Delphine asked, “Are you better?” 

“I was goo before too; a little tired, it’s true. But now I’m great. I’m excited!” she said, flashing Delphine that annoyingly charming smile. 

-.-.-.- 

“So, Mrs. Diaz has quite a few problems,” Cosima said as they sat down at a table in the cafeteria. She was visibly much more rested, back to her energetic, elevating self. “First, we have her diabetes. Then there’s her heart instability. And her baby’s risk to be injured during the birth _due_ to her diabetes. And several other risks for the baby because of it.” 

“Okay, well, her diabetes has been monitored since its discovery,” Delphine started. “Her heartbeat will be monitored. If there are any problems, we’ll fix them. The baby’s risk of injury and further problems isn’t as big since her diabetes is only type 2. But to avoid any injuries for the baby or heart failure, let’s have a C-section.” 

Eating a sandwich, Cosima was thinking, considering the plan. Her eyes were fixed somewhere far, as if she had spaced out. She nodded slowly. “Yeah, a C-section is the best plan to avoid the risks.” 

“It’s settled, then” Delphine said, savoring her coffee. 

“How’s Chelsea?” Cosima asked her after a while. 

“She’s good,” Delphine replied, a little surprised by the question. 

“She told me she had some problems when we ate together the other day,” she continued. Seeing the blonde’s confused face, she added, “It just came up. I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to bug in.” 

“Well, you know her, she’s very positive and straight-forward in the sense that she doesn’t whine much. She sees it and she fights to get through it. That’s one of the things I deeply admire about her,” Delphine told her. 

“That is admirable. I don’t even need to know, because the simple fact that she’s able and willing to look at the light during the storm is worthy of looking up to.” 

“Oui,” Delphine simply agreed. 

-.-.-.- 

Mrs. Diaz’s case had been a very different one from their others. She had quite a few problems and for someone in her shoes, the pregnancy complicated everything. 

Not long after Cosima cut the cord, her heart rate started going up and Cosima found a bleeder. She found the source of the haemorrhage, but she couldn’t stop it. The tear had been too big. The bleeding combined with the increasing heart rate lead to heart failure. 

Delphine wasn’t there anymore when the loud, monotone beep of the monitor was the only sound in the room. Back in the NICU, she checked on the infant to make sure he didn’t have any injuries, but he didn’t, luckily. 

She returned to the lounge, Delphine was waiting for news while charting. After some time Cosima walked in with an expression on her face Delphine couldn’t quite place. It wasn’t a good one, though. Delphine sighed, waiting for the words to be said. 

Sitting down next to her, she said, “She had a massive bleeder. Her heart couldn’t take it. I declared her a few minutes after the cord was cut.” 

Delphine didn’t know what to say. This was her first case in which she lost the mother of an infant. She had a few patients before that couldn’t make it, but not enough to build her shield, to build what she had to learn about losses. 

Feeling her heart shrink, she just looked down. 

“I can’t get that sound of my head. That flat line still rings in my ears.” Putting her head in her hands, Cosima added, “I should’ve done something… I don’t know, but-“ 

“Hey, no, don’t say that,” Delphine said as she took her hand, making her look at her. Once her remorseful eyes fixed on her, she continued. “It wasn’t your fault, Cosima. Her heart, her body couldn’t take the stress. You did everything you could.” 

“But I still feel like I could’ve done better,” she insisted. 

“You’ve tried stopping the bleeding, didn’t you? You’ve monitored her heart, didn’t you?” Delphine asked, as Cosima nodded reluctantly. 

“We took all the measures to avoid it. We took the measures to avoid the baby’s injury. Even though we couldn’t bring her back, it doesn’t mean we didn’t try everything we could. You hear me?” 

Cosima nodded again. Looking down, she kept her hand still under Delphine’s. “She was my first loss,” she told her after a few moments. 

“It won’t be your last,” Delphine said bluntly. “But we have to learn how to accept it. Learn how to accept the fact that despite our best efforts, people die. And there isn’t much we can do about it.” 

“I know,” Cosima said, looking back at her. “It’s not the best part of our job.” 

The process of accepting really was hard. And yet they discovered it can get harder. 

Mrs. Diaz’s husband, the father of his newborn, didn’t take it lightly either. Cosima told him the same things Delphine told her, the things they were taught to tell the families when their loved ones died. 

As Cosima was letting more and more words out, Delphine watched as his face darkened, as tears gathered in his eyes profusely. Cosima was visibly saddened, ashamed even, a thing she’d have to learn how to hide later. 

Mumbling, repeating the words “I can’t do this, not alone” with his eyes darting to the floor, he started backing up, putting distance between him and the two doctors until he turned around and disappeared behind a corner. 

As they looked at each other, both Cosima and Delphine’s looks jumped from perplexed to anxious, insecure ones. 

“But… his child, he’s… he’s a father now,” Cosima said, trying to figure out everything from his reaction to what would happen to the baby who was now alone, parentless. 

Delphine looked clueless for a few seconds, but then she said, “Look, maybe he needs a little time. He needs time to take it in, to come to his senses. Give him a couple of days. He’ll be back.” 

“How can you know?” she asked insecurely. 

“He just needs a little time to adjust, to take everything in. He just lost his wife, but he also just got his first child. And he has to raise him alone, without his mother. Give him some time.” 

Biting her lower lip only slightly, she nodded. 

Delphine was on-call for the entire weekend and even though Cosima wanted to stay with her, to monitor and look out for the baby, Delphine insisted for her to go home. She did want to spend more time with Cosima, whether that be talking or just simply sitting next to her, being near her presence, she knew she was tired. She was on-call the previous night and that nap didn’t do much. It had been an exhausting day both mentally and physically. 

So once she left, she went down to the NICU. Looking at the baby who was delivered just a couple of hours ago, she realized she didn’t even know his name. She didn’t know what she should call him when he starts crying, what to put in the charts. 

Sitting down next to the sleeping newborn, she spent some time there. Her mind flew to several directions, flooding her with thoughts. She didn’t realize for how long she’d been there until her phone buzzed. 

_“Are you on-call?”_ Chelsea asked her. 

_“Yes, you?”_ she replied. 

_“I can’t sleep.”_ The text came back after a few seconds. _“I received the biopsy results. Can I call you?”_

Delphine gulped, feeling her throat dry. With shaky movements she rose from the chair silently and walked out in the hall. 

She formed Chelsea’s number with a heavy heart and pressed the dial button. 

“You’re going to need to sit down,” Chelsea said with a voice Delphine couldn’t decipher. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all the kind words and kudos, and I'm sorry for the short, late chapter, but it's all leading up to bigger stuff, I promise!


	10. Basorexia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basorexia (n.) - an overwhelming desire to kiss.

Delphine held her breath until Chelsea spoke again. 

"Dr. Adams called me an hour ago,” Chelsea continued. Her voice remained flat, flushed. 

Delphine leaned into the wall, her vision becoming blurrier with every second that passed. 

“And… it’s a benign tumor,” she said at last. “I’ll have the surgery in a week,” she said, her tone switching to her jolly one. 

Her friend inhaled sharply, pressing her other hand to cover her eyes. The tears dropped and she couldn’t say anything for some time. Chelsea let her take in the news; she let her cry out her relived emotions. 

“Oh, Chelsea…” she said ultimately. “I’m so happy. I told you we’re going to get through this.” 

“I know, and I never lost faith. But we still have a bit ahead of us.” 

“I think we’ll manage,” Delphine said, letting out a laugh. “Will you call your parents then?” she asked. 

There was some silence at the end of the line. “I don’t know. You know how we are.” 

She did know. When she wanted to move out to Canada, they weren’t very approving of her decision. They always wanted her to be around. They figured it was better for them and for her too to have them close. But Chelsea knew she wasn’t ever going to learn how to deal with life on her own had she stayed there. She was 19 so she could take the decision to leave herself. And she did. 

Having more of a factious nature, Chelsea had moved out not just because she really wanted to, but also because she was a rebellious teenager at the time and she just wanted to show them that she can do just fine on her own. 

They talked a couple of times a year, sometimes more if there was something wrong with their family, but they never visited her and she went back home only in her first college years. 

When they graduated and she got her job, they were happy, but they showed a very withdrawn and reserved happiness. They never truly conciliated with the fact that she left. 

“Look, I know you’re not the best of friends, but this is still something important. They’re still your parents and they have a right to know.” 

Her jolly tone flattened again. “I know, but… how can I be honest with them when they basically shut me off?” 

“Just… think about what you’re going to say to them, call them and just tell them. It’s their decision how they proceed after they know. You did your job, you told them. However they choose to act next, you’ll still have support, no matter what.” 

“I know,” she replied. “Thanks, Cormier.” 

“Now go, try to get some sleep, it’s late.” 

Looking back at the newborn boy through the wide glass, he was still sound asleep. Smiling, she walked to an on-call room nearby. 

Besides some nurses and doctors, some surgeons taking patients to surgery, the halls were much quieter. 

She didn’t have any charting to catch up to, so with her pager and her phone on the small nightstand beside the bed, she sat down, taking out the big physics book. 

Whenever she was on-call she had a book with her, knowing there can either be busy hours or very quiet, lonely nights. She was about halfway through the book already and she didn’t get much time to look through it lately, so when she opened it, some kind of an inquisitive feeling enveloped. 

Similar to charting, time spent with Cosima or Chelsea, anything she liked, hours flew by until she realized her eyes were tired, asking to be closed just for a little while. 

Glancing at her clock, she read 4 AM. There were just a few hours until people would start coming in, until she’d have to start a new day; until she’d have to deal with the currently orphan baby. 

She put the book down beside her, kicked her shoes off and lay down, closing her eyes. They hurt even when she closed them but soon, as she dozed off, her body relaxed. 

The next time she opened them it was because there was a rather annoying noise coming from her right, waking her up from a very good nap. 

Turning over, she saw her phone’s screen lit up, playing one of her favorite songs. In that exact moment though she felt like she could hate it for waking her up. 

“Hello?” she answered, without looking at the caller, her voice somnolent. 

“Hey, morning! Shit, did I wake you up? I’m so sorry if I did, I thought you were on-call,” a very brisk and hyped up voice said. 

The fact that Cosima’s voice was the first one she heard after waking up wasn’t such a bad thing. 

“Cosima… no, it’s okay, I am on-call. I just dozed off for a bit,” she said, looking at the hour. “Well, for three hours apparently.” 

She laughed and that bubbly sound invigorated her. 

“I hope you rested a bit then,” she said eventually. 

“I did,” Delphine lied, sitting up, ignoring her pounding head. 

She wasn’t a fan of taking naps or sleeping when she was on-call exactly because of this drowsy feeling she had when she woke up; like she wasn’t going to be able to do anything after besides going back to sleep. 

“Well, I’ll be in the lounge in a few seconds, so rise and shine, Dr. Cormier, because we have work ahead of us.” 

“Right, I’ll be there in a bit.” 

Hanging up, she put her shoes on, picked her book and her bag and headed to the lounge. 

Cosima was already there, in her white lab coat, a chart in her hand. 

“Please don’t tell me it’s Mrs. Diaz’s chart,” Delphine said when she entered. 

“It is,” she said. “I just wanted to take a last glance.” 

“Cosima, do you need another talk?” 

“No, no, I’m good. I’ve come to terms with it… sort of. Let’s go see the baby,” she said. 

Cosima had the same trouble, not knowing what to call him. 

“Let’s give him a temporary name; until his dad comes back,” Delphine proposed. 

“What about Kevin?” Cosima said after thinking a bit. “I always liked this name.” 

“Kevin… I like it too.” 

They took turns holding him, trying to familiarize him with the warmth of a person holding him, calming him down whenever he started crying. 

Cosima was visibly not as confident or secure in holding a baby longer than cutting their cord or handing them to their mother; not like Delphine, who seemed to have a natural talent for helping them be calm. Sometimes, without realizing it, she’d start singing softly, humming French songs she used to hear on the radio in her childhood. It always worked. 

Cosima would walk around, rocking them and talking to them. It never mattered that babies can’t understand what you’re saying; it’s a way of bonding. 

Kevin wasn’t a big crier. Just like most of the babies in the NICU he was quiet, crying only when he was hungry or when he needed changing. 

On that weekend they had less patients than usually. So when they weren’t checking on them or other patients admitted in the hospital, they would be either in the lounge or in the NICU. 

Just the simple fact that she’d see Cosima already in there, walking around with Kevin, smiling at him even though he couldn’t yet, made her weekend more significant than others; the fact that she’d see her more often than in a normal week simply made her smile more. 

She’d spent her Saturday evening the same way as the other, except falling asleep faster. No one paged her, there were no emergencies, so she could relax almost as if she was home. The book, even if the notions and explanations sometimes made her more exhausted, they still stimulated her. 

Cosima didn’t even have to call her next morning; Delphine was already visiting Kevin, knowing she’d be there too once she arrived. 

“I’m actually starting to think I’ll be sad if the father comes in and takes him home,” Cosima said, approaching Delphine and placing a hand on her back unconsciously. 

“He’s really precious,” Delphine told her, enraptured in the baby’s magic she loved so much that she almost didn’t notice the hand on the small of her back. “But he’ll come back, I know it,” she told her, tearing her gaze from the yawning baby to the smiling doctor. 

Surely enough, he did. 

But it was in the evening, when both Cosima and Delphine were considering it was time to go home. It had been another slow day, but even that began being tiring. Delphine was looking forward to finally sleeping in her bed, in her big, comfortable bed. 

And then a nurse paged them. They met him in the same place they told him the devastating news. 

He looked just as sad, just as miserable. 

Once they were facing each other, Delphine noticed his swollen eyes, the dark circles around them. 

“I’d like to see my son, doctors,” he said and his grave voice sounded more devastated than he looked, but determined nonetheless. 

-.-.-.- 

“May I hold him?” Mr. Diaz asked once all three of them were in the NICU, glancing down at sleeping Kevin. 

“Of course,” Delphine replied, picking him up gently and handing him over to meet his father, to finally meet his family. 

“It was too much at once,” he said eventually, looking at his son. “I chickened out. I needed to figure everything out; how I would deal with it.” 

“And I suppose you did,” Cosima said. 

“I did,” he replied. “Did Diana tell you what we wanted to name him?” As they both shook their heads, she answered to his own question, “It’s Joseph… Joseph Diaz.” 

“Joseph it is,” Cosima said, writing his real name down on the chart. 

He asked them to talk him through the delivery; to tell him what went wrong. It was painful, but he wanted to know. Then, as Cosima finished telling him about the bleeding and the flat line, both of them started advising him on what to do and what not to do when it came to Joseph; or Kevin, as they still referenced to him in their minds. 

They promised him they would help them with any problems they had. He was thankful and appreciative, managing a weak smile. 

As they watched Mr. Diaz leave with his son, Delphine let out a sigh as a fulfilled, accomplished feeling took over her. 

Cosima turned to her, her cheeky smile back on her lips. “So… do you wanna go celebrate?” 

“I don’t think ‘celebrate’ would be the right word for this one. But yes, I do,” Delphine said, returning her smile. 

Outside the cold, November air was bringing them closer. As Cosima started ranting about how the days, the months pass and the sun went down faster, she linked her arm to Delphine’s again. 

This was the third time they went to the bar and Delphine really started to like it. She liked its atmosphere, she liked the fact that not many people filled it every night, she liked Sammy and most importantly, she liked how its memory would forever be connected to Cosima. 

“Same drinks, please,” Cosima said once they sat down at their usual places. 

“You’ve pretty much corrupted Delphine, haven’t you?” he asked, smiling. 

“I do have a lot of fun every time I come here,” the blonde woman admitted. 

“I’m glad, then,” Sammy said. 

“So am I,” Cosima told her, turning fully to her. 

Delphine smiled, saying, “I do need to know though if you’ll drag me on that dance floor again tonight.” There was something about that last time they were here, about that dance they shared, the connection and the energy which Delphine wanted to feel again, somehow. 

Cosima laughed. “I never know what my mood holds. I’m always full of surprises.” 

“I better get used to it, then.” 

“You should,” Cosima said after a moment, her smile drawing into something more tempting, rather than her usual charming one. 

It wasn’t just her smile, though. The entire evening whilst in the bar Delphine couldn’t help but admire Cosima in a different way, as if she were enchanted by her. 

As she exchanged a few words with Sammy whenever he didn’t have other costumers, Delphine would zone out from the conversation, shifting her gaze on Cosima subtly. Her elbows were propped on the bar, her chin resting on her fist; her back was arched, evidencing her chest. She wore a large, long, currant red undershirt that reached her mid-thigh and wine-colored tight jeans. Her cleavage brought out her breasts justly. Her crossed legs and tilted head, exposing her edged jawline and neck line, continued to tempt Delphine to get closer to her, to feel the perfectly carved lines. 

She started feeling the depth of her emotions whenever Cosima turned to her and smiled, whenever her hazel eyes looked straight into Delphine’s and her touches, whether they were intentional or unexpected, never failed to make the blonde’s skin tingle. 

Surely enough, her wish would be granted, as after a couple of drinks Cosima’s euphoric state resurfaced, taking Delphine’s hand, pulling her to the dance floor. That night the bar was more crowded than usual. They didn’t have as much space as the last time, but that didn’t seem to matter anymore, because Cosima pulled Delphine close to her without hesitation like they had done that several times before. 

And there it was, the stamina, the energy Delphine longed for. Their bodies now moved together, dictated by the music. The other people slowly faded away from Delphine, the only one she saw being Cosima. Her aura was lighting up her face, her smile bright as ever. She was matching her movements to Cosima’s almost instinctively, without having to think about them. She started knowing how Cosima was swinging her hips, her hands, so she harmonized her body according to the brunette’s. 

She didn’t know how many songs they danced on, how much time they spent doing it because she felt more relaxed than ever; she was in her element, rediscovering the pleasure in dancing all over again. She felt more and more attracted to Cosima, to keep on moving along with her, to keep their connection for as long as possible. 

“I gotta tell you, that was some energy I haven’t seen in a long time, you guys,” Sammy told them once they were back in their seats. 

Both girls laughed, still panting from the effort. 

“It felt as good as it looked then,” Cosima said, mirroring Delphine’s thoughts, apparently. 

They left not long after they sat down because their watches read 12 AM already. Delphine knew she must’ve felt tired, what with the last 48 hours, but in that moment she felt like she didn’t want to leave; to leave the bar or Cosima. 

“Ah, I love this air,” Cosima said once they walked out the door, stopping a few meters away from it. She leaned in the wall, closing her eyes, inhaling deeply. “This cold, autumn air is so wakening,” she continued and as she spoke, the air she exhaled became visible under the form of white little clouds. 

Delphine looked at her, admired her beauty in that exact moment. Opening her eyes, she looked at Delphine, gazing at her as much as Delphine was. She approached her slowly, until she was inches away. Cosima’s stare never left her eyes, following her every move. She didn’t tear away from the wall; she just waited for Delphine to gradually fill the gap between them. 

Delphine wasn’t thinking straight; not after all those drinks, not that night. Placing a hand on Cosima’s still warm cheek, her eyes moved to her pink lips, the lips she found herself looking at without realizing so many times. 

She drew closer, until they were breathing the same air, until her lips could almost brush upon Cosima’s. With one last glance in her dark green, expectant eyes, she pressed their lips together. Delphine didn’t realize how much she actually wanted to feel those lips against her own, and when she did, she couldn’t help but kiss her harder, longer, in a hungrier way. Pushing her against the wall more, she felt the already familiar body pressing back against her. 

To Delphine’s bewilderment and discouragement, the long-waited interaction didn’t last longer. With a set of frim hands brought to her face, Cosima retreated, prying her red lips away slowly. 

“Delphine, I… I can’t,” she said, her voice low. As Delphine registered the words, she backed away, the cold air suddenly surrounding her, the absence of Cosima’s body feeling almost unbearable. “I’m seeing someone.” 

-.-.-.- 

The intensity of the kiss lingered on Delphine’s lips long after they parted, while she paid the cab driver with an absent mind, while she opened the door to her apartment and she could still feel their softness when her head hit the pillow. 

At that hour, with the alcohol still running in her veins her boldness wasn’t what blanked her mind. Her throat felt dry and her nails chiseled deep in her sensible finger flesh but she didn’t seem to feel the pain. 

Her teeth bit into her lower lip unconsciously. 

She felt numb. 

Her stinging eyes started blankly at the white ceiling in the dark, the only light coming in through the big windows being the slight, almost insignificant street lamp. 

She was aware of what Cosima told her. Her words were clear, chasing Delphine’s thoughts away. She couldn’t forget her avid eyes when she walked away, her slightly parted lips when she turned away from her, heading towards the taxi station alone, her steps big, as if she tried running away from this thing that hit her right in the guts in a matter of seconds. 

The few moments between the heat of the connection and Cosima’s unexpected, agonizing words were enough for Delphine. Now she was mixing both feelings, blurring her feelings. 

As she closed her eyes to block tears from forming, she became aware of how much they hurt, asking to be kept closed, so she did. 

She did and she drifted away to sleep; the prevalent color red and the skillfully twisted dreads whisking around visited her again, her dreams flooded by pink lips with bright red blurs of blood. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) :^)


	11. Becoming an Agathist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agathist (n.) - a person who believes that all things tend towards ultimate good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's not much, but I posted a day earlier :D   
> There's a lotta stuff down there, so... buckle up.

When Delphine woke up, the bright sunlight lit up her room, giving the white walls and the beige minimalist furniture an enlightened feeling. The three-meter bookshelf that was facing her bed obtained a different shade than usual. It was the thing that colored her room, filled with several colorful books, all arranged in the rainbow order. Delphine didn’t get too much time to look at it, to actually admire it. In the morning she didn’t pay much attention to her surroundings because she was either tired or in a rush. So in the weekends when she woke up, she liked looking at the well-known titles to her, remembering each of their stories. She had read almost all of those books, as she was most passionate about reading besides her job. 

She eyed the book she recently bought, her childhood stories book. It had a bright yellow cover, showing two little girls, twins, holding hands, with their blonde hair braided. 

She lowered her eyes to the bag she threw off her shoulder carelessly last night next to her bed. The big science book peaked out, a corner of the dark blue book showing. 

_I’m seeing someone._

Those words still ringed in the back of her head as she looked at the book. 

Having woken up from a restful, good night sleep she managed to divide the feeling of the velvety lips brushing against her own that warmed her heart of the cold, unpleasant shivers than ran down her spine when Cosima told her why she can’t do it. Why she can’t continue kissing her, why she can’t pour the feelings she actually had for Delphine into her. 

Her name was Shay. They’d been together for a few months. She didn’t want to hurt her. 

_I can’t do this, I can’t hurt her._

But she hurt Delphine. Didn’t she care about her? 

As she got out of her bed, heading towards the bathroom, she continued to think; to feel. It wasn’t the recommended thing to do, but who did what they were actually supposed to when it came to feelings? 

She never really paid attention to why she kept looking at Cosima in a more and more different way, why dancing with her felt so good and needed, why she felt so damn attracted to her after a while. 

When she kissed her, she discovered the feelings she’d been having for some time, without realizing, like a fool. She had kissed her fiercely, craving more as it deepened. 

She felt stupid. _It_ felt stupid. 

She splashed the cold water on her face. She felt something between agony and confusion. 

Dressing up in her home clothes, she made her coffee. If Cosima was committed to someone, why had she been so flirty? Why compliment her several times when she had someone else she was supposed to call beautiful? Why take her out, take her dancing, when she had a different body to be intimate with at home? 

With the hot mug in her hand, she sat down at the foot of her bed, setting her gaze on the several books. Why be so flirtatious when she wasn’t supposed to? Or was this Cosima’s way of being friendly, of becoming close friends with someone? By getting to know them, by exchanging teasing looks and words? 

_It’s a very confusing way to do it,_ she thought, starting to feel pissed off. 

How she would continue facing Cosima from now on, she had no clue. The long-lasting feeling of her lips still ghosted in her head, reappearing every time she thought of her. Her warm body pressed to hers would make her throat dry over and over again at the thought of talking to her, or even just of glancing at her. Her bold, exultant laughter looped in her brain whenever she’d hear her voice. 

Staring at the books plainly, she thought about going back to the bookshop. Opposite to the weather from a week ago, the sun was shining brightly and the sky was blue as ever, so a good walk around her neighborhood started feeling really good to Delphine. 

Sure, it reminded her of Cosima and of the damn science book, but just because her heart ached didn’t mean she would forget that place or that book. Au contraire, she’d drown her sorrow in words. She’d escape this world and enter a different one, sometimes a much worse one, as she always used to do. ( _On the contrary_ ) 

Slipping in her charcoal jeans, she matched her white scallop styled cut shoes with a cloud-colored jacket. The light shade of grey combined with the white shoes matched her wild blonde curls which she let be. 

The air outside was freezing even though it was 12 o’clock, but the sun warmed Delphine up as she walked down the road to the bookshop. 

When she entered she was met with the same image she remembered, the same atmosphere; the smell of books gratified her senses, her eyes were delighted with the sight of hundreds of books. 

The bookshop might’ve not been big, but it offered all kinds of books, from the newest appearances to old ones, dating back to the 18th century and further. 

_“I need a favor,”_ Chelsea texted her. Delphine was still slightly embarrassed her ringtone had been so loud in a library that she had to read the text more times to focus. 

_“Tell me,”_ Delphine replied. 

_“I need you to get me a book. Any book. I’ll have plenty of time during the recovery and sleep isn’t everything I’ll do. So, as a big reader, you pick out a book for me, please.”_

Delphine smiled. Chelsea’s timing couldn’t have been better. Even if she hadn’t been in the bookshop, Delphine could’ve easily picked out something from her own library and given it to Chelsea. She had gotten familiar with her tastes, what she liked to fill her brain with. 

But she chose to look through the titles, to try and guess what would fit Chelsea best. Reading was a hobby of hers, not as big as it was for Delphine, so even if she knew her well enough, picking something rather unfamiliar for her was a challenge. Especially something that would take her mind off the situation, the pain she’d feel in the next days. 

Taking the corner of the row without taking her eyes off the books, she realized she entered in the scientific domain. Even if she was a doctor, Chelsea hardly preferred reading about science or watching documentaries; she liked dramas, adventure movies, but never romantic ones. She might’ve had a handful of boyfriends since Delphine met her, but she wasn’t the fluff type. She would never pine after a boy, she wouldn’t cry at an end for them. That’s one of the things Delphine learned from her and applied a few times, discovering it was true. Maybe that’s what she was doing with Cosima; choosing to face the problem, not to languish over it. 

_Crying won’t bring them back_ , she would tell her. 

She did spot something that would interest her; a book about brain studies. Taking it out and reading the back cover, she started walking towards the other row. A sudden collision made her drop her book. 

“Oh, merde… excusez-moi!” Delphine said as she retrieved her book from the floor. ( _Oh, shit, excuse me!_ ) 

Standing back up, she found herself looking in Cosima’s eyes. 

“Cosima…” she said almost instantly, minding her tone. They were close, but they weren’t touching. “I’m… I’m sorry again. I was reading and didn’t see you.” 

“Same,” Cosima admitted, showing Delphine a physics book. It wasn’t the one she’d bought. It was a smaller one, a green-covered book. 

There was a moment of silence in which they just stared at each other. Cosima’s light green eyes seemed to smile for a second. For a moment they seemed happy to see her; the friendly, familiar look wasn’t the one Delphine received, though. 

Instead of happy or cold, they just seemed to be regretful. 

So was Cosima’s voice a second later. “Look, Delphine, I think we should talk.” 

“I don’t really need explaining,” Delphine shot back. Both of them were surprised at the reply, but Delphine didn’t show it. Cosima widened her eyes, her mouth agape for a second. 

“I just want you to know the facts,” Cosima tried once again. 

“Well, I don’t want to,” she found herself saying. Breaking their contact, she passed by her, making her way to the last row of books she hadn’t checked out yet. 

She was way harsher that she thought she could ever be. She never expected herself to answer this way, to cut her off. 

_Maybe it was too soon_ , she tried to think of an explanation. But she realized she didn’t need one. She did fall for Cosima eventually, unpredictably and Cosima was the one to blame for not telling her about that Shay woman. 

She finally settled on a book that would interest Chelsea, or at least she hoped it would. It was set in a dystopian world, about teenagers having to fight against a broken system, learning how to stand up for themselves at an early age. She had it in her library; she read it a long time ago and she fell deep in the story when she read it. 

Paying for the two books – she bought the one about the brain study for herself- she made her way to the door. 

At the end of the very narrow space between the two shelves, Cosima was looking at another book. She sighed, but she realized it was childish to ignore her, or not acknowledge her presence. As she got nearer to her, she noticed it was the dark blue science book she had at home. The one she gazed at the last time, with that irresistible smile of hers. But now her expression was unbiased. 

“Excuse me… again,” Delphine said when she was close to her. “I need to pass,” she added, gesturing towards the small space. 

“Right, sorry,” Cosima said and turned so that Delphine could pass by. 

She did, but hardly. The two of them, combined with the two big coats they wore, filled the space between the shelves and as Delphine walked by, her body brushed Cosima’s, without intending too. At that moment, she really didn’t want to. 

“It was never my intention to hurt you,” Cosima said when Delphine’s hand was on the door knob. 

She turned around too look at her; Cosima’s remorseful eyes seemed to mirror Delphine’s pained feelings. 

Her lips weren’t curved in their usual smile and Delphine was further convinced this wasn’t a look that fit the Cosima she knew. 

Looking away from the woman she admired so much in so many ways, she opened the door and walked out before the tears would drop from her eyes; before Cosima could see how much she was hurt. 

-.-.-.- 

“Are you even supposed to be working?” Delphine asked Chelsea in the lounge next morning, as they were both changing. 

“It’s my last day before being admitted,” she told her. 

“Right,” Delphine said, nodding. “I bought you the book, by the way.” 

“Can I see it?” Chelsea asked, her face suddenly excited. 

“Sorry, it’s at home. I didn’t think you’d be that excited,” she admitted. 

“Well, don’t forget to bring it tomorrow. I’ll be bored out of my mind,” she joked. Delphine laughed, but the happiness didn’t last long. 

“What’s wrong?” Chelsea asked, noticing her lost look. 

She sat down next to Delphine. 

Delphine shook her head, smiling. “Nothing, everything’s fine.” 

“No it’s not. That’s not my Delphine’s sincere smile.” 

No, it wasn’t. They both knew it. 

“You better not be worried for me,” Chelsea said. 

“Oh, no, I’m positive you’ll power though,” Delphine said, trying to avoid telling her problem. 

Chelsea nodded lively. “So?” 

Delphine shook her head, holding back her tears. There were about one or two people in the lounge who didn’t seem to care about other, minding their own business, so that didn’t bother Delphine. She discovered that actually telling someone about Cosima would be hard, harder than she wished. 

“Tell me,” Chelsea insisted, leaning into Delphine’s shoulder. “Is it your family? There’s something wrong?” 

Delphine shook her head again. 

“Is it your cat?” Chelsea asked with her voice calm, as if she’d hadn’t asked the most random question. 

Delphine shot her a puzzled look, her brow furrowed. “I don’t have a cat and you know that.” 

“Yeah, you should get one,” Chelsea said, her tone just as low and calm. “Animals can make for a wonderful company.” 

Delphine chuckled. Seeing there was still something off, Chelsea asked once again. “What is it? Is it Cosima?” 

At the sound of her name she closed her eyes instinctively. 

“It is Cosima…” 

Delphine nodded. She finally decided to tell her. “She has a girlfriend. They’ve been together for some time and, uhm…” She felt like she couldn’t continue or tears would be guaranteed. 

“Oh, Delphine…” Chelsea said, taking the hint. She put her arm around Delphine, letting her place her head at the base of her neck. 

Delphine knew they were at work. She knew they couldn’t just stay around and cry over their problems. She knew that if the Chief would walk in he’d tell them to wipe their tears and send them off to work. 

But it was the first time since she found out about Shay that she actually felt like she needed to cry, to let the pressure, the pain out. She didn’t sob, she didn’t weep convulsively. She was a quiet crier; her breath was shaky as her tears rolled down her cheek, but she made no sound. 

She took a few minutes to calm down, to set her thoughts straight. 

“I just… I really do like her,” she told Chelsea once she looked up at her. 

Chelsea’s big, brown eyes were focused on her and her hand caressed her shoulder lightly. 

“I know, kid, I know,” she said. “How come she told you?” 

Delphine straightened her positioned, wiping her cheeks. “I kissed her… for real this time,” she said, her tone giving a vulnerability that Delphine hated showing. 

“You were tipsy again? Hanged out at the bar?” Chelsea asked, handing her a tissue. 

Delphine nodded. “We danced again. I feel the same way, the same energy that drove me closer to her and kiss her. It’s like… since last time we were there, I kind of missed that connection, you know? And when I kissed her, I realized how much I was actually into her.” 

“Well… at least she’s not straight this time,” Chelsea said and Delphine laughed. 

“Yeah, that was tough,” she said reflectively. Shaking her head, she got up and fixed her white coat. 

“So what are you going to do about it?” her friend asked her. 

“I have no idea. I mean I can’t just ignore her. We work together, and we work pretty well. We got along so well,” she said and she felt like another wave of sorrow might hit her. 

Seeing her downcast state of mind, she suggested, “Maybe you should start writing again. Or playing, oh, you should definitely start playing again!” She appeared to be very excited with the idea she came up with. 

Even if she liked the idea, she felt like she might not have the inspiration or the motivation to do it. 

Mirroring her thoughts, Chelsea added, “You know, some of the biggest songs or poems were created in the melancholic and dispirited mind-sets. It actually helps a lot to put out everything you feel in a creative way.” 

Delphine nodded. She’d consider this later. 

They weren’t going to meet later in the day, as Delphine was packed with patients. Some admitted, some before surgery and others in their examination rooms; they all waited for the smiley doctor to show up. The smiley doctor didn’t, though. She did her best to be positive, to be in her good spirits for her patients, but the mood didn’t come easily. Not when they actually had big problems, worried parents and pained bodies. That day it seemed harder to cope with them, to tell them what’s in their best interest. It was as if her optimistic, reassuring side was being held down underwater, unable to breathe. 

Managing short, indefinite smiles to the families of sick children, she still did her job. Her mind, though saddened, wasn’t clouded. Throughout the day she kept her mind on symptoms, diseases and treatments. Even if she was hurt, she would never let her personal issues interfere with her job. 

With her mind on the sick children, the day passed fast, without her needing to check her watch or phone to see how much was left. She didn’t have anything to look forward to, nothing to do after work. 

By the time she was done, Chelsea had already left. She walked to her car with fast steps, the cold getting under her big coat. She was parked near the bus station. 

As she dropped her bag inside her car, she looked up to see the bright red coat and the dreads that were now hunting her dreams. Cosima was looking down; she didn’t know whether she noticed her or not, but she didn’t care. 

And yet, seeing her stand there, her hands tucked inside her large pockets, her shoulders tensed up due to the cold air, she was taking small steps back and forth. Considering whether she should pick her up, give her a ride home or not, she didn’t have much time to decide. 

A white Audi pulled up in the station; as Cosima got in the car, the lights inside turned on and Delphine was able to see the driver. A blonde woman with a black hat smiled to Cosima as she put her seatbelt on. Cosima smiled back and the woman gave her a peck on the lips. 

Delphine bit her tongue, her nail digging deep in her thumb’s skin. Before they’d see her, she got in her car, slamming the door forcefully. She started her engine, hitting the gas paddle. The white Audi bitch car was closely behind her. She still didn’t know where Cosima lived, so she had no idea for how long they’d be there. Feeling her cheeks burning with jealousy and anger, she pressed the music button, the car filling with a regular pop tune. She had this thing for rock music ever since she was small and when she was pissed or troubled, it’d be her escape. So she selected the rock station, turning the volume up so that the amplifiers boosted with the bass guitar. 

Stopping at a red light, she looked in her rearview mirror. They were still behind her, stopping half a meter from her red Nissan Juke. She could see them talking, but none of them looked at the other. Cosima propped her head to her right, leaning into the window. If she looked closely she could see her features; she could tell whether she was tired or angry or happy, but she chose not to. 

She looked away, letting her head drop on the backrest. Her eyes followed the red light, watching the countdown. As the cars in front of her passed diagonally, the music continued to be what she needed at the moment. Even though they were still behind her, she managed to cool down a little. She was so angry she forgot to turn the heating on; though she still didn’t feel like she might need it until she got home. 

Her eyes dropped to her hands, sitting so idly on her lap. Feeling the tight elastic around her wrist, she started pinching the inside of her hand with the rubber material. Another thing she used to do instead of cutting. 

_Once, twice… three, four times… and five. Pause. And again._

This was how she used to do it. This was her procedure. The pinching took her mind off cutting. She would numb her skin until whatever feeling that was pressing her left her. 

So she did that now, while the red countdown was happening in front of her. Her foot was still steadily placed on the gas pedal, ready to fly away from the car behind her if possible. 

She realized that even if it was jealousy, it wasn’t most reasonable. Most of all, it wasn’t worth it. She now knew they were together, so seeing them wouldn’t be surprising. It would be -and it was- painful, but not irrational. 

As the light turned green, she pressed on the gas pedal robustly, trying to get as far away from them as possible. It wasn’t until she turned left to enter her street that she lost them. The street was empty, without any signs of people even though it was barely 9 PM. She liked her street for this exact reason: it was almost always quiet and the neighbors were nice and respectful. 

After discarding herself of the work clothes and taking a long shower, feeling more at ease, she ate something light for dinner. Truth was, after seeing what she saw, she didn’t have a big appetite; for food or for anything. 

But instead of reading or watching TV until she’d get sleepy, she chose to follow Chelsea’s advice. 

She made her way into her living room. Irritated, she realized Cosima touched this part of her life too. Looking at her couch, the image of Cosima peacefully sleeping came to her head and her first instinct was to throw it out. 

She sat down on the little bench in front of her piano. She looked at it and noticed the dust accumulated on top of it. She cleaned almost every week, but the fact that she hadn’t touched any of her instruments lately depressed her even more. 

Her slender fingers traced the black piano’s ivories, pressing down firmly once she settled on a piece she studied a long time ago. Discovering she remembered it, an unconscious smile curled on her lips and as she advanced with the well-known notes, her vigor started coming back. An old, familiar satisfying feeling came back, surrounding her, warming her senses. 

The piece was longer than her usual ones, so when she finished she shook her hands, snapping her fingers. It was going to take some warming up, but she smiled widely, feeling like she rediscovered a part she might’ve lost along the road. 

She didn’t stop at the piano. After rehearsing some old songs, she stood up, picking up her guitar from its stand. She tuned it, having a built-in tuner in the brown, mahogany electro acoustic guitar. 

She played a few basic strains, training her fingers to remember the feeling of the metal cords under them. She didn’t wait, she didn’t hesitate; she dived right in the music, starting with a sad, melancholic song but which gave her the enthusiasm to keep going, to play other pieces until she remembered most of them. She needed some more warming up, she noticed. 

Her fingers slipped, or hit the wrong note. Her fingerstyles weren’t as easy as she remembered and her rhythm needed practicing, but it was a start. 

She played on both instruments late into the night. She felt her right arm aching from the position she had to sustain, her right hand fingers having little marks from the strings, red and hurting. She was nonetheless satisfied. Cosima had exited her mind for as long as she played and stayed out when she crashed in her bed at 2 AM. 

When her clock woke her up the next morning, she still felt her fingers sensitive when she pressed them to anything. They were a bit red, but nothing to suffer from. The pleasure playing gave her last night could never be replaced or outlasted by the slight discomfort it cost her. 

That day would, however, cost her a lot of mental energy and holding back. While chatting a little with Brian and Chase in the lounge –Chase wouldn’t miss out on the opportunity to compliment her choice of clothing and her ever fascinating hair- Cosima made her appearance. 

Wishing everyone a good morning, she asked Delphine if they could talk. 

“It’s work-related,” she said before Delphine had the time to decline her request. 

_Oh, non,_ she thought. _Pire…_ ( _Worse_ ) 

“I need your help on another case,” Cosima told her and she looked far from excited. 

“Can’t you ask another pediatrician?” Delphine asked, crossing her arms. 

“Rogers is on vacation, Campbell is on sick leave, Cooper is busy with another case and Nichols is-“ 

“I know where Nichols is,” she snapped, reminding herself she had to go check on Chelsea. 

“You’re the only one left,” she said, sounding like she’d rather not work at all than work with her. “Besides, you’re the best from all of them,” she added, in a quieter tone, looking down, as if she was ashamed to admit it. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry you’re stuck with me, then,” Delphine said, taking her coat. 

Following her, Cosima said, “Look, I really wish we could talk. I really want to explain.” 

“I don’t care what you want. You should’ve done the talking before the flirting and dirty dancing.” 

This wasn’t like Delphine. She didn’t know where this rage came from. 

“Okay, don’t act like you weren’t all in for it,” Cosima said, stopping her and pulling her in an on-call room that had an open door. 

“Oh, I was _all_ in for it,” she said, yanking her arm from Cosima’s grip. “How stupid to think you were too, right? I’m sorry I didn’t think about the fact that you actually might have another woman to flirt with at home. Is this your way of befriending someone? Is this how you make friends? Raising their hopes and then you cut them loose when they make a pass at you?” 

“Delphine…” she said, maintaining her quiet tone, in contrast to Delphine’s raging one. She closed her eyes, sighing, looking everywhere but at the woman in front of her. “I told you… I never wanted to hurt you. I didn’t think you’d… grow to like me like that. I didn’t know anything about you, about your sexuality and before asking I found myself… bugging in your life. I never wanted to hurt you,” she repeated remorsefully. 

Delphine considered her response for a moment, but it still didn’t fit with her confusion and questions. “Well, you did. So, let’s just… work,” she said, stepping out of the room, feeling her skin hot with anger, her hands itching to break something. 

Cosima led her to the patient’s room, a 30-something pregnant woman due that day. As expected, they worked throughout that day in the way they best remembered. Putting their differences aside, the hateful words and regrets, they delivered another baby successfully. The labor hadn’t been long and they helped Serena give birth to a beautiful, loud boy. Despite the temporary loathing Delphine felt towards Cosima, she still admired her skills, her opinions on her as a doctor never changed. It was the professional side in her that ruled her in those hours. 

At the end of the day, when they said a more or less expressive ‘good night’, Delphine got in the car with certain regrets that she didn’t ask whether she needed a ride home or not. When she saw the white Audi pull up behind her at the red light again, they all washed away immediately, as she dropped her head on the steering wheel. 

“Go away…” she found herself saying, sounding like a child, and not caring in the least. 

She didn’t bother looking at them through the rearview mirror, convinced she didn’t care about whatever she might’ve seen. 

The following weekdays hadn’t been necessarily easier, what with checking on Chelsea twice or more every day, bringing her necessities or things she asked for. She liked the book; she started reading it after Delphine brought it, finishing it in two days. 

“I’m really bored in here,” she told her in response to Delphine’s surprised expression. “Besides, you picked an interesting one, Cormier. I’m going to advise you to do it again.” 

She didn’t tell her anything about Cosima; instead, whenever she had time on her hands to go hang out with her a bit, they talked about what she read, about how Chelsea filled those few days before the surgery. She confessed that she was nervous; it was hard. She would get through it, but it was hard. 

Delphine was surprised to hear these, it wasn’t Chelsea-like. But confessing, admitting the facts that were more or less true was a good sign. We all give in at some point, no matter how tough we might be. 

She spotted Cosima on the halls, in the lounge but besides the polite hellos and goodbyes she didn’t take much interest talking to her. She saw her in the bus station in the evenings, but she never asked her whether she had someone to take her home or not. She didn’t detect the white Audi anymore, but she didn’t look for it, either. 

She filled her apartment with musical notes and symphonies in the evenings which she told Chelsea about. She was very excited to hear she was playing. 

“Aren’t you feeling better, then? I told you it’d be better,” she told her, laughing. 

She still had a heavy heart thinking about the full lips kissing her back on that cold evening. Reminiscing over the rhythmic body dancing next to her made her feel melancholic. Remembering that brilliant woman’s smile and shining eyes whenever they talked or joked turned out to be more and more depressing. 

There was no point in lying or denying it; she missed her. She missed Cosima. 

-.-.-.- 

She cleared her schedule for Friday. It was Chelsea’s surgery day and she came in to support her friend. She’d sit in the gallery, watching Dr. Adams remove the benign mass. 

“Don’t get sappy on me, Cormier,” Chelsea said outside the OR. “I’ll be back.” 

Delphine nodded, giving her everything to hold back her tears. 

“See you soon,” she told her friend. 

She made her way up in the gallery with shaky, sweaty hands. Luckily, there were no other doctors up there and it would stay like that for a while. 

Delphine watched Adams put her under general anesthesia, opened her up, doing the entire protocol meticulously. She was nervous out of her mind, attacking the skin on her fingers without realizing yet again. 

Sometime later into the surgery she heard someone open the door, but she didn’t turn to see who it was. She was watching Adams get through the dura mater, when she heard the voice behind her speaking anxiously. 

“How’s it going?” 

She turned bewildered at the speaker. Cosima was sitting half a meter behind her, watching the surgery. 

“How did you-“Delphine tried asking, tried questioning Cosima as if she wasn’t allowed to be in there. 

“It’s on the surgical board, Delphine. I saw her name and I got worried, I had to come here,” she said, finally looking at her. “You can blame me for hurting your feelings, but you can’t blame me for caring about Chelsea. Or you,” she added. It wasn’t her tone that made Delphine believe her, it was the sincerity in her eyes Delphine couldn’t help but trust. 

Biting her lip, she said, “He’s getting through the dura.” 

“Is it benign?” 

“Yeah.” 

“First stage?” 

Delphine nodded. 

“Not that bad then,” she said, sitting down. 

“Not that bad,” Delphine repeated. “But still scary as hell,” she said as she sat down next to her. 

Minutes passed and they were watching the surgery when Cosima finally asked, “Are you okay?” 

She shook her head. “Not at all. But I’m praying she will be.” 

“You said it yourself, she’s a fighter.” 

She wanted to reach out to Cosima so much. She needed her comfort more than she could explain. She missed her and she was right next to her. 

-.-.-.- 

As Dr. Adams was closing Chelsea up, Delphine stood up, stretching for the tenth time. Cosima did too. 

She stayed with her throughout the surgery. Delphine didn’t even think to ask about her patients, if she even had any for the day. She was, however, grateful she had stayed by her side, even if they weren’t in the best of terms. Going through all those hours alone might’ve been too tough. Noticing her self-harm habit, Cosima stopped her whenever she caught her wounding her skin. 

“It’s an old habit,” she told her. 

“I can see that. Do try not to do it, please,” she replied. 

As she looked at a sleeping Chelsea back in her room, she knew she wasn’t supposed to sleep there because she wouldn’t approve of it. 

She still couldn’t bear going back home, not while her best friend was operated on. She used her usual on-call room to rest. 

Chelsea’s recovery hadn’t been easy. She woke up, she recognized Delphine and her surroundings, but she had problems remembering certain things, facts. 

Delphine got pretty scared, thinking Adams might’ve damaged something, though she would hardly believe it. He was the best neurosurgeon the city had. 

“Give her a little time. Don’t panic, she just needs her recovery time. I’ve taken the entire tumor out, so she just needs some chemo now,” he told her. 

Delphine nodded. They would start the chemo soon, as soon as Chelsea would feel stronger. 

It took her the weekend and a couple of weekdays to get on her feet, to be able to start reading again, to talk more. 

On Friday evening once she arrived home, she put some music to fill the atmosphere in her home. She had to turn the heat on, as November brought a lot of cold already. 

After her usual light dinner she poured a glass of red wine, starting her relaxing process. 

It wouldn’t last long. A few minutes after she sat down, she heard a knock on the door. 

It was 10 PM. No neighbor ever visited this late –or better yet, ever. 

Opening the door, she was met with Cosima, wearing her red coat with a burgundy knitted hat. Her lips were curled in the tiniest smile ever and Delphine still couldn’t help but bite her lip, feeling her heart skip at the beautiful sight in front of her. 

“Can we please talk?” 


	12. Rubricate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rubricate (v.) - to mark or color with red.
> 
> Red is Cosima's colour after all...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All your comments are so supportive, thank you so much!!

“I really hope I’m not disturbing you, I just… we need to talk,” Cosima said, as Delphine closed the door behind her. 

“We do,” she replied, taking her coat. She felt her heart beat faster and faster, nerves building up. 

“Do you want anything?” Delphine offered as they sat down. 

“No, no, thanks. Just to… talk. How is Chelsea?” Cosima asked. 

“It’s our second chemo day,” she told her, sitting down in front of her. “She’s talking, reading, walking.” 

“That’s great,” Cosima said. 

“Yeah, yeah, it is. I’m almost relieved.” 

Cosima remained silent for a few moments, thinking how she’d tell Delphine what she needed to so badly. “You never asked.” 

“What?” 

“You never asked if I had someone,” Cosima said and stood up, walking around the kitchen. 

Delphine sighed, but she didn’t say anything. She didn’t want to hear her explanations, but maybe that’s why she couldn’t move on from her, why she couldn’t stop missing her. Maybe she needed closure. 

“You never asked and I don’t know why I never told you. I guess I don’t like throwing around the fact that I have a girlfriend or whatever. I guess being in a relationship is something intimate, something that two people in love share and it’s not something for everyone to see.” 

She looked at Delphine while talking, while her hands joined in her explanation. “I never expected to get attached to you in this way. But as we started working together, I started learning more about you. You opened up to me and that means a lot, as I don’t do it as easily. We had our first cases together and then after Valentina’s labor we came here together and I slept over and I really started feeling like we could be good friends, not just a team, or coworkers. Then I took you out to the bar and we danced and everything took a different turn. I don’t do that with everyone, but I felt like you… like you might be the person I’d be in element to do it with. And I was right. I never felt such a dynamic between me and another woman until then. Not with others girlfriends, not with Shay… so I kind of panicked. That’s when things between me and Shay started going downhill. I didn’t feel the same way for her and I didn’t know how to break up. So I didn’t. But my feelings for you, whatever I felt… they kept growing. It’s not like me, but I started being anxious around you. I don’t know why, but then when you kissed me, I realized I was right.” 

Delphine watched her all along, trying to wrap everything. But this wasn’t what she was expecting. 

This wasn’t closure. 

Delphine stood up too, feeling like she couldn’t sit anymore. Cosima came to a stop in front of her chair, but now it was Delphine who started walking. 

Running a hand through her hair, she said, “Do you realize how this sounds? If I was confused before, I’m even more confused now. I’m just trying to wrap my mind around everything.” 

Cosima walked up to Delphine until she was facing her. The blonde looked at her and tried her best to not reach out, to not touch her face or surround her with her arms. 

“Delphine, I don’t want to confuse you anymore. I don’t want to hurt you,” she told her, her tone softening. “I never did.” 

“I just… you were so open with me and kept getting closer and closer until I thought… I thought you might feel the same,” Delphine said, discovering her voice was shaky. “I was confused as much as I was hurt. I… wanted to scream at you, but I also wanted to have you near me, I wanted to have you here.” 

Cosima broke their gaze, eyeing the floor, ashamed. “I’m so sorry…” 

Fighting the urge to embrace her again, she backed up a little, trying to put things in order. “How can I know you’re not here because you’re hurt? Because you want someone to give you something Shay couldn’t?” she asked bluntly. Cosima hadn’t even told her yet, but somehow she assumed Shay was already gone. 

Cosima’s eyes darted back up to Delphine. They looked offended, almost revolted. “I’d never do that. I’d never _use_ someone to get over a break-up. I don’t do that.” 

Moving closer to her again, closing the gap gradually, Cosima took Delphine’s hands. “I know we didn’t have the most perfect circumstances to come together, but… Delphine, I want to be with you. I really do.” 

“Do you?” 

Delphine finally, _finally_ reached out, dragging two fingers softly across Cosima’s cheek. 

Looking into Cosima’s hopeful eyes, her expression waiting, anticipating, Delphine knew her answer. Without saying anything, she leaned in, capturing her rosy lips in her own. They felt just as she remembered; warm, soft, welcoming… but this time was different. 

This time she has been consciously waiting for this, thinking about them. This time it was the relief and satisfaction that tangled around her. It was the longing she had been feeling, the desire she had to reach out again, a greedy need to have Cosima all for herself. 

Their first kiss was curious, one of an exploring matter. They both yearned to feel the other one, to get to know what it would be like. 

Now… well now they finally let out all the hurt and lost hopes into something different, something relieving; a consolation that only they could offer each other. 

As their lips parted, they pressed their foreheads together. They both smiled, while their eyes were closed. 

Widening her smile, Delphine closed her arms around her. She felt Cosima bury her face in her neck, inhaling deeply. Delphine did too, finally placing her distinctive scent in a category: it was a sweet incense that brought her the image of yellow, brown and red leaves falling, a walk on the Montréal streets in mid-October, a cozy evening inside, with hot tea in her hands. 

Parting again, Cosima kept her hands on Delphine’s hips. 

“Do you want to sleep over again?” the blonde asked and laughed with Cosima. 

“Yeah,” the dreadlocked girl answered. “But it better be with you this time.” 

“Oh, I couldn’t let you sleep on the couch again,” she replied, closing her arms around Cosima’s neck. 

“So you thought about it back then?” Cosima asked. 

“Did _you_?” Delphine shot back, an even more surprised look in her eyes. 

“Well, you did bring me home… and you’re not the worst looking ever, either. Can you blame me?” she asked frankly. 

“I really cannot.” 

Delphine kissed her again, more playfully this time. She felt Cosima smile against her lips and she tightened her grip around her thoughtlessly. 

-.-.-.- 

Delphine gazed at Cosima as she looked around her bedroom, analyzing its components. 

She gave her one of her own pajamas; they were slightly oversized for her, but that’s just what Delphine enjoyed about the look. With her elbow propped on one of the big pillows on her bed, her head resting in her palm, she smiled as Cosima looked over the titles in her big, colorful library. 

“You’ll see them better in the morning. When the sun shines on them, it gives them a different image,” Delphine told her. 

Cosima turned her head, the dreads whipping suddenly. “Did you read all of them?” she asked, ignoring Delphine’s statement. 

“Mostly. I read a lot, especially when I’m on-call. It’s my dream to have as many as possible,” she replied. 

“Mine too! I have this vision where in my future house I’ll have like a room full of books. A room _just_ for books,” she said, climbing onto the bed. 

“Yeah, it’s usually called a library,” Delphine said sassily. 

“A home library!” Cosima continued, smiling broadly at Delphine. 

The blonde just smiled back simply, wondering, admiring the smile she fell in love with and the glowing eyes that expressed their happiness. 

Cosima put her head on the other pillow, turning to face Delphine. 

They looked at each other, finally seeing so much they admired. It’s all Delphine wanted; to look at her without having to realize she’s not supposed to, without feeling bad or inappropriate or… or hurt because she couldn’t do it freely. 

Delphine noticed the slight change in Cosima’s eyes again; the faint light from the two nightstands didn’t allow her to see them very well; they were of a dark green, emitting a sincere look. 

“You are so beautiful,” Delphine told her, caressing her cheek delicately. 

Cosima’s lips smiled, without flashing her white teeth. The slight timidity and modesty in her little smile made Delphine want to get closer to her; she pulled her closer until their bodies were touching from the waist down and their faces were barely apart. 

She could do it now. She could hug her, touch her, kiss her freely now and just the simple thought made her muscles contract into a wide smile. 

“What?” Cosima asked, her smile forming after Delphine’s. 

“You’re so beautiful and I can finally tell you. I’ve been waiting for a long time to tell you,” Delphine admitted, aware of how cheesy it sounded. Cheesy or not, it was true and she couldn’t care less of how it sounded. 

Cosima didn’t seem to think about that, though. She absorbed every word Delphine told her, attentive to not miss a single word she might say. 

“Yeah, I don’t know how you made it without telling me. Must have been tough, you poor thing,” Cosima joked at last. 

Delphine laughed. “It took you a while to come up with a joke, didn’t it? Are you getting softer, Niehaus?” 

“Never,” Cosima said firmly. “I may be a little shy at the beginning –cause let’s be real, a woman like you complimenting me- but my jokes will never die.” 

“That’s good to hear,” Delphine admitted. 

They talked late into the night, shifting their positions, ending up on top of each other, laying with their legs crossed or their backs leaning into the bed’s hardboard. 

“Are you tired?” Cosima asked. Delphine was on her back and their legs were intertwined, Cosima’s left arm over her stomach. With her head supported by her hand, her upper body was pressed to Delphine’s side. 

“No,” Delphine lied, looking at her. She was tired. The last week had been rather exhausting, both mentally and physically. Taking care of Chelsea, helping her get back on her feet wasn’t necessarily hard, but she was still worried all the time and that took a lot of her energy. 

She was tired, but it didn’t matter at this point. 

Cosima being there seemed so surreal for some reason; she’d never actually expected for this to happen, especially not after finding out about Shay. 

It was surreal, but it was reality. She was so sure about it. She knew she had her now, but for some reason she felt like she wanted to make the most of their time together, like someone would take her away from her. 

_It’s a stupid feeling, Delphine._

“I don’t want to tire you with all this non-sense talk I do,” Cosima insisted. 

“You’re not, really. I’ve actually always wanted to hear you talk. Just to hear you talk and listen,” Delphine admitted. 

“Babe…” Cosima said, all soft. 

Delphine wanted to explore all of Cosima. She wanted to kiss her until their lips would turn red; she wanted to talk to her until her voice would be raspy, to look at all of her until she had her every detail memorized. 

She had a thirst in her, a drive that would be fulfilled slowly, carefully and attentively. As much as she feared losing her, rushing wasn’t in her program. She’d take her time to learn everything about her. She’d take her time to be with Cosima. 

She would learn that she could smile in a different way, and so much more than she used to. She would learn how to share, how to spend her nights with someone, how to be with someone. 

-.-.-.- 

When she opened her eyes next morning, the first thing she saw was Cosima. The dreadlocked girl was still sleeping, her breathing quiet and tranquil. 

She took her time to look at her. She couldn’t stop staring. To her, Cosima turned out to be the person you can’t stop looking at, the person whose features never bored. 

She had to fight the urge to touch her, to stroke her cheek even just a little because she was purely excited for what would come next with Cosima. She knew the girl was full of surprises, so their future together would certainly be interesting. 

She had a really good night. The bed wasn’t as big anymore; it wasn’t cold. She didn’t have to hug a pillow anymore to feel better. Cosima’s warmth kept her glued to her, her hands steady on her hips. She smiled unconsciously just thinking of the feeling that enveloped her. 

She got up as silently as she could, making her way to the bathroom. Luckily her floor didn’t creak and her steps were light as a feather, so she got to the other room without waking Cosima up. 

Washing her face, she noticed the circles around her eyes forming gradually. She wasn’t surprised, though. She didn’t always get 8 hours of sleep a night, almost ever, and she doubted she would from now on. 

She walked to the kitchen to make coffee. It was half past 10, the usual hour she woke up at during the weekends. She didn’t know what Cosima’s waking call was, what her morning routine was. 

As she turned the radio on, leaving it on a really low, barely audible volume, her coffee was soon ready. The sun was shining brightly outside, without any clouds covering the sky. 

She didn’t get to drink much of her coffee, as she heard her name called from her bedroom. 

“Delphiiine,” Cosima yelled, her voice not strong enough yet. 

Delphine smiled as she headed towards her sunlit bedroom. 

Cosima had the blanket cover her entirely, still turned to the side Delphine slept on. 

“Delphine…” she kept saying, repeating her name in a more silent tone now, as if Delphine wouldn’t come anymore. 

The blonde woman made her way silently, raising the blanket to see her face. 

Cosima opened her eyes, flashing a bright smile. “Delphine!” she said her name once more. This one was a loving, happy exclamation, at last. 

Delphine couldn’t help but admit how adorable Cosima was, how child-like and still mature she could be at times. 

Kissing her, Cosima pulled her on top of her, then rolled her on her back, finally ending up covering her. 

“You taste good,” Cosima mentioned. “Did you make coffee?” 

Delphine nodded, saying, “I’ll go get you some.” She tried sitting up, but Cosima pushed her back down. 

“Not yet,” she told her. “First, you need to tell me about this bookshelf of yours. I’ve been dying to find out about it since last night,” she said, resting her head on Delphine’s shoulder, looking at the carefully organized publications in the shelves. They were of a light brown, latte color. 

“Well, I have them organized in color order. So even if they are series, or more books from the same author, they still go by color. I had this vision when I moved here, that my furniture would be modern, conservative, of non-striking colors to the eye. What would color my bedroom were the books. That’s why I chose the shelf, the bed and even the carpet in light colors. Because I wanted the books to be in contrast,” Delphine explained. 

“You have such a good eye,” Cosima acknowledged. “I usually like the dark, colorful, traditional rugs and the red bed sheets and all, but this really works. It’s pleasing to the eye, but it’s not tiring to look at, despite the multitude of the colors.” 

“Exactly. I tried the same in other rooms. Come,” she told her, standing up and extending her hand. “I’ll show you.” 

She took her through the rooms, explaining her choices. 

“I chose the blue shower curtain and carpets because blue stands for calmness, it helps relax and unwind, you know?” she said and Cosima nodded, studying it. “I keep most of my products in the cupboard, to not make it look too crowded.” 

“Oh, so that tall cupboard hides your magical products for your hair, then?” she asked, smiling boldly. 

“It does,” Delphine admitted, closing the light and leading her to the living room. “But I’ll show them to you when I’m sure I can trust you. I can’t just share them with everyone,” she joked. 

“Oh, the living room,” Cosima said once they moved to the next room and sat down on the couch. 

“Yes, your previous bed,” Delphine said. 

“You know, the bed is much more comfortable than your couch. Not that I’m complaining, I’m just saying,” Cosima clarified. “Go on.” 

“Now, the first thing people tend to see when they walk in is the piano. It’s black, and, kind of huge,” Delphine said, sitting down on the leather little bench in front of the large instrument. 

“It represents elegance,” Cosima said. 

“Very good! See, you know these too.” 

“I do, I love colors.” 

“I noticed,” Delphine chuckled. “I suppose you know why I chose the red couch then?” 

“Scarlet red… one of my favorites,” Cosima said. “It stands for energy, strength… romance…” 

“That’s right,” Delphine said, approaching her. She kissed her, a long, gratifying kiss. Sitting down on the couch’s top, she continued. “These two shelves,” she said, gesturing towards one tall shelf in the right corner, next to the large windows, and the opposing, wide one, “are made from ash wood.” 

“Hard wood, resembles oak,” Cosima added. 

Delphine looked at her, impressed. Cosima smirked, giving her a look that showed the fact that she knew she was good. 

“And the black TV?” Cosima asked. “Just as classy as the piano?” 

“Oh, no, I just liked the model,” Delphine replied, making Cosima laugh. 

Bringing the coffees that were still warm, she sat down next to Cosima. She was still studying the room. “Thanks,” she told her. “You must play for me once.” 

Delphine got a sudden wave of insecurity, like she wasn’t familiar with Cosima at all, like she was 100 strangers and she had to play in front of them. 

“I will, if you want me to,” Delphine said. “I haven’t really played in front of anyone since I was 16.” 

Cosima tilted her head, picking the signals. “Oh… you don’t have to do it if you’re not comfortable with it. I just said I wanted to hear you. I’m sure you’re awesome at it too,” she said, trying to tame Delphine’s anxiousness. 

She put a lock of the golden hair behind her ear, stroking the base of her cheek with her thumb. “I don’t want to make you anxious; sing only if you want to.” 

Delphine smiled, kissing her warm hand. 

-.-.-.- 

Taking her phone, she formed Chelsea’s number. She was still sitting next to Cosima an hour and many stories later, but as one, two rings passed by and she hasn’t answered yet, she straightened her position, still having Cosima’s hand on her back. 

“Hello?” Chelsea’s British voice picked up eventually, sounding stable. 

“Chelsea? Hey, it’s me,” she clarified. Chelsea always answered her calls with ‘Cormier’ or ‘Frenchie’. Worry started to settle in and she had to stand up, to walk around. “How are you?” 

“I’m good. I slept a lot again. I started reading not long ago. This second book you brought me seems a bit… childish, maybe?” 

Delphine kept her giggle in, smiling. “It’s a great book.” 

“Cormier…” Chelsea said, sounding just as amused as Delphine was. “Did you give me a children’s book?” 

“No… maybe… look, I thought something theoretical or too attention-draining wouldn’t be the best after the surgery, so I chose one of my favorite childhood stories. It’s a very good one, so don’t go judging, please.” 

“I’m not, I just wanted to clarify. It says ‘for ages above 6’ on the back, so I figured I’d ask,” Chelsea said, chuckling. 

“Besides that? Any pain, fatigue?” Delphine asked inquisitively, still smiling. 

“A slight head ache, a little tired, but great nonetheless. Adams said I should be expecting these, they’re normal,” Chelsea explained. 

“Yeah, well, if anything comes up, you know to call me, right?” 

“Of course, Cormier. And you? Anything new? You sound way happier that the past week.” 

Delphine glanced at Cosima, who was watching her. “Yeah, I got a good night sleep.” 

“Mm, yeah, I bet that’s not it. Anyway, I’ll drag it out of you when you visit me,” Chelsea said and Delphine was grateful she didn’t push it. 

Even if both of them seemed to be in this, Delphine didn’t know what to call Cosima. Would ‘girlfriend’ be too soon? 

“I’ll come by later then,” Delphine. 

“You don’t need to come today. I’m good, I’ll be reading. You keep doing what made you happy,” Chelsea said and Delphine almost chocked on her coffee. 

_Keep doing what made you happy._

“Yeah, okay, got it,” Delphine said, wiping her mouth. Cosima started laughing and so did Chelsea. 

“You alright there, Cormier?” 

“Yes, just perfect. I’ll call you later then,” Delphine said. 

“What was that?” Cosima asked when she hung up. 

“Nothing,” she said, hoping Cosima wouldn’t push. 

“Right… so how is she?” 

“She’s good, she said she’s been reading,” Delphine said, taking her empty mug to the kitchen. 

“That’s good!” Cosima said. 

When she returned, she found her planted in front of the big windows, looking over the wide city of Montréal. From the last floor, where she lived, the city was really pleasant to look at; the contrast between the colors of the city and the blue of the sky always made Delphine stare at the opening in front of her. 

“This view is gorgeous,” Cosima said as Delphine hugged her from behind. 

“I know, I still stare at it after 6 years.” 

“You never get tired of it.” 

Delphine told her what she could see from up there, pointing in their directions. She got to know precisely what each building was; representative ones, of course. 

“It’s so beautiful today. We should go for a walk,” she suggested. 

“We will,” Delphine said, her voice low. “But I wanna stay here for a bit.” 

She tightened her grip around the brunette’s waist, placing a kiss on the soft skin of her neck. 

-.-.-.- 

“We need to go somewhere,” Cosima said, whilst dressing up. Delphine turned to look at her and Cosima continued. “I moved in with Shay a couple of months ago. I need to take my stuff. They’re not much, just a few boxes and clothes.” 

“Oh…” 

“Don’t worry, I’ll search for a place to buy, I just need to take my things,” she said, noticing Delphine’s blank expression. 

“It’s okay, take your time,” she replied. She didn’t really think about living with her, not until now. It didn’t sound bad… though, she did say they weren’t going to rush… 

“If you don’t mind me asking… did you break up with her?” Delphine asked after a while. 

“Yeah, yeah, three nights ago,” Cosima confessed. 

“I hope I wasn’t the one to ruin things between you two. I would hate myself for breaking up two people.” 

“No, no, it wasn’t you. We didn’t really get along anymore in the last few weeks. The romance wasn’t the same. Maybe moving in wasn’t a good step. But I think we weren’t meant to be,” Cosima said, putting her boots on. 

Delphine was still slightly troubled, hoping she didn’t break another woman’s heart unwillingly. 

“Well, we can walk around the neighborhood and then come get the car and drive to her apartment,” Delphine suggested. 

“Great, sounds good,” Cosima replied and smiled. 

“You have a thing for red?” Delphine asked, as she watched her put on that red coat she ended up seeing everywhere in her dreams. 

“Oh, yes, it’s my favorite color. I love its meaning, I love all of its shades. It just screams strength and energy to me,” she explained. “What’s your favorite color?” 

“I don’t really have one,” Delphine said, thinking about it. “As you saw, I prefer the explosion of color in a sea of neutrality and purity.” 

Locking the door to her apartment, Delphine added, “The same goes for my clothes. I like to wear plain clothes which I sometimes match with something else colorful or pale.” 

Now she wore black pants and shoes, but her coat was snow-white. 

“I love that,” Cosima said, entering the elevator. “Do you ever take the stairs?” 

“To the 10th floor? Yeah, I do, except for when I come home really late from work, when I have groceries or when I wear high-heels,” Delphine admitted. 

“So… almost never?” Cosima asked and they both laughed. 

“Well, I try to go to the gym or jogging every now and then, but I had literally no time lately.” 

“I usually go. Let’s go together. I’ll motivate you,” Cosima said, leaning into her. 

Truthfully, when they walked out the big doors, the cold hit them unpleasantly. 

“I like the cold, but this weather really is a _bitch_ ,” Cosima said. 

She gripped Delphine’s arm tighter, slithering her hand in Delphine’s pocket. She intertwined their fingers and the blonde gave them a squeeze, looking into Cosima’s now light, pear-green eyes. Unconsciously, she took a second to admire them, to admire the part she loved perhaps most about Cosima’s appearance. 

Smiling, Delphine said, “It’s still November, what are you going to do in December?” They started walking opposite the direction of the bookshop that Delphine planned to go back to with Cosima this time. 

“I will hang on to you and cuddle in the evenings,” she said. 

Delphine started smiling, probably smiling like an idiot; a happy idiot nonetheless. 

“I can’t wait for December, then,” she said at last. 

“Well, we don’t have to wait for December, we can start now,” Cosima said, grinning. 

It was about 1 PM when they started their walk and when they reached a landmark that Delphine knew was rather far away from her flat, she checked her watch. 

“Cosima… it’s almost 3. How have we come so far?” she asked, surprised, almost shocked. 

“Wow… well, I guess since we talked, we kind of forgot how cold it is. And I kind of feel it now that we’ve stopped,” she said, looking around. “Are we… this is Angrignon Park, isn’t it?” 

Delphine looked up from her phone. “Yes, it is. You saw part of it from my flat.” 

“Right, right, I remember.” 

“I usually run to this park and to the lake.” 

“Then back home?” Cosima asked, perplexed. 

“Oui,” Delphine replied. 

“Okay, if that’s your plan of exercise, I might just need some time to work my way into it,” she said, intimidated. 

“Once you’ll get used to it, it’ll be easy. Besides, I usually stop a bit when I get to the park if I’m tired,” Delphine said like it was nothing. 

Cosima meanwhile considered it a marathon. 

“Look, the whole park has a total area of 97 hectares.” 

“0. 37 square miles,” Cosima said precisely, while looking at the big park in front of them. 

“Good at math, I see,” Delphine remarked. “I obviously don’t surround the whole park, I just do parts of it,” she said and took her hand. “Come on, let’s go eat somewhere.” 

“Oh, food, yes please,” Cosima said. “I know this great restaurant nearby.” 

“You seem to know many great places nearby,” Delphine pointed out, making Cosima laugh. 

“What can I say, I’m good at science and places. Besides, you shouldn’t complain, you seem in love with Sammy’s bar.” 

“It is really good,” she acknowledged. “I trust you with your choices, then.” 

And she did well trusting her; the restaurant, just like the bar, turned out to be a really good one. It was small, not exactly fancy-looking, but it served delicious food. They sat down at a table next to the window. 

“I like to watch the streets, the people,” Cosima told her and was happy to hear Delphine did too. 

They ordered drinks and food, while exchanging a few words with the waiter. Delphine always liked to be nice, polite to them, to ask them how their day went. Working with people, she knew how tough they could be sometimes. She knew that a friendly, kind face was always welcomed and the waiter was more than happy to serve them. 

The restaurant had brick walls, from which classic, white bulbs illuminated the space. Yellow candles were lit on each table. Delphine appreciated the fine, walnut wood, their tawny brown color making the candle stand out. 

They arrived back in front of Delphine’s block not long after they finished eating. 

“I have the car key on me,” Delphine said. “Should we go straight there?” 

“Yeah, sure,” Cosima said and her jolly expression faded, turning into a bitter, dispirited one. 

“Hey,” Delphine said, noticing her sudden change of attitude. She cupped her face, bringing her eyes back on her. “I know getting over someone isn’t easy. But I’m here, I’ll help you all the way. If you’re hurt, I’ll help you heal. If you’re sad, I’ll try to bring your gorgeous smile back to me. If you’re angry, I’ll let you take your frustrations out. I’m here, okay?” 

Cosima nodded, her eyes glistening with tears. She hugged Delphine, held on to her like there was no other way. 

When she was ready, Delphine started the car’s engine, pressing down on the gas pedal. She held her hand as much as she could, when she didn’t need to mind the wheel or the gearshift. 

“You can stop here,” Cosima said, pointing towards a parking lot. 

Delphine hesitated. 

“She’s not home. Her car isn’t here.” 

Looking around the parking lot, she truly didn’t see the white Audi anywhere. 

The 4-story block of flats in front of her looked even more modern than her own. It must’ve been new, two, maximum three years old. 

“I’d… I’d rather stay here, if that’s okay,” Delphine said once they reached the door. “I’ll wait for you here.” 

She really didn’t want to see the flat, the place Cosima called home for months. Not the place where Cosima loved Shay, where she loved another woman; not after she was over it. 

“I’ve got everything packed. I’ll just bring the boxes out.” 

She was quick. In a couple of minutes she opened the white door again, putting box by box out, ending the few ways back and forth with a large bag of clothes. 

There were a few large boxes that would need more than one way, but Delphine was happy to help. She was happy that she’d let Cosima in her life in a different way, a much more intimate way. 

When they were back in Delphine’s apartment, all boxes and bags brought up and with her coat still on, Cosima looked at Delphine. She smiled, finally a genuine smile. 

She approached her, never breaking their gaze. Leaning in, she kissed Delphine’s cold, yet still soft lips long and surely, taking her time to enjoy the other woman. 

“Thank you,” she told her, backing up, looking at her lovingly. 


	13. Maudlin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maudlin (adj.) - highly sentimental. 
> 
> Or, in other words, Cosima has a big weakness for books (or one, in particular).

On Sunday morning it was Cosima who woke up first. When Delphine opened her eyes, the first thing she registered was the heavy rain drops hitting the windows. Instead of looking for Cosima, she just turned to her side and blindly searched for her, settling her hand over the warm body. 

“Good morning,” Cosima suddenly said, sounding serene. 

The voice surprised her, making her look at the woman she was latched onto. 

“You’re awake,” Delphine said, her voice much sleepier that Cosima’s. 

“Yeah, I woke up a bit ago. How’d you sleep?” she asked, kissing Delphine’s forehead. 

Smiling, Delphine asked, “Why didn’t you wake me up, then?” 

“Wake you up, are you kidding?” Cosima shot back skeptically. “Sleep is a gift.” 

“I’ll go make us some coffee,” Delphine offered, trying to get up, but failing as Cosima pulled her back down. 

“Why do you always leave me for coffee?” she said. “Coffee can wait. So, once more, how did you sleep?” 

“Very well,” Delphine said. “You?” 

“Yeah, I put in a good rest, too,” Cosima stated. “I know this will sound stupid, but sleeping next to you is… different. I’m not talking about your body, but your actual presence. Your smell, your breathing… they’re calming.” 

Cosima took Delphine’s hand, starting to play with it. 

Delphine didn’t really know what to say. She’s never been told this; or these kind of things, really. The little details that changed the way compliments work. “Well, you’re quite the person to sleep next to. Your personality is dynamic, but when you’re calm, it changes you. It softens you.” 

Cosima smiled and continued to play with her hand. 

As she glanced at her slender fingers, at the healing wounds surrounding her unpainted nails, she frowned. 

“They’re healing,” Delphine said, as if trying to defend herself. 

Cosima took her hand, placing it under her chin. “You’ve been doing this for a long time?” 

Delphine was hesitant. It was a shaky ground that always brought back memories she wished she could forget. She wanted to tell her, but she was scared it might bring back more than she asked for. 

She looked away from Cosima. She nodded eventually. 

“Was there more than just this?” Cosima asked, visibly hesitant, afraid to go too far. “Something worse?” 

She nodded again. Tears started gathering in her eyes. She still wasn’t looking at her. 

Noticing her pain, she stopped asking questions, bringing her eyes back up to her, her hands placed on either side of her cheeks. 

“Hey… I’m sorry, I’m sorry… we don’t have to talk about this, okay? Just know that I’ll be here, if you ever want to,” she told her, her voice concerned, but serene. 

Respectful. 

Careful. 

Delphine nodded, hiding her face in the brunette’s warm chest. 

After some time, she told her, “I never, ever want to make you uncomfortable. I just want you to feel like you can tell me anything. I want us to be open with each other.” As Delphine looked up at her, she continued. “I want to know everything about you, all the good and not so good stuff.” Her cheeky smile sneaked up on her face, making Delphine smile too, almost instinctively. 

“I do too,” she replied honestly. She placed her head back on under her neck. 

She tried to put a few words together. “I sometimes feel like the situations I find myself in are… helpless. I feel helpless... lost. I have to put out my feelings somehow, so I resort to this. Self-harm was dangerous, I knew it the moment I started. I knew stopping would be hard. I still have tendencies to this day. Obviously,” she told her, glancing at the sensitive flesh. “I mentally kick myself every time. The day after is regretful. But then I do it again when those feelings come back.” 

She stopped there. It was enough for now. 

She felt Cosima’s hand stroking her hair. She didn’t say anything, and Delphine thought silence was the best response to this. She didn’t need pity, she didn’t need anyone’s apologies for something they didn’t do. She was grateful for Cosima’s understanding. 

The silence that unfolded fit the situation best; no words could ease Delphine back into ordinary thoughts. But with Cosima’s quite, yet calming presence next to her, the trauma moved back into its place in the past. 

“Well, it’s raining, which means it’s even colder,” Cosima said after some time. 

“Weren’t you the one loving this –and I quote- ‘cold autumn air’?” 

“I do, but not when it rains. I don’t like to get wet,” Cosima said and Delphine shot her a deceptive look with a smirk. 

“I meant my hair,” she clarified. “You’re pretty dirty, huh?” 

“I guess you’ll have to wait and see,” Delphine said, feeling frisky. 

Cosima bit her lower lip slightly, clearing her throat. “So, I think I’ll go make that coffee you talked about.” 

She tried getting up, but this time it was Delphine who was fast enough to pull her back to her. This started to feel like a game, like their thing. 

She climbed on top of her, and with a throaty voice she asked, “Are you scared, Niehaus?” 

She cocked her eyebrow and moved her eyes to her lips, her mouth hovering above Cosima’s faintly parted lips, deciding to settle her lips on Cosima’s neck, sucking lightly on the smooth skin. She heard the woman under her inhale sharply, her chest rising. 

Smiling, she moved to the other side, doing the same thing. 

Cosima’s hand gripped Delphine’s arm, but her pleasure wouldn’t last for long. 

Detaching herself from the dreadlocked girl with hungry eyes, she smiled seeing Cosima’s irked expression. Standing up, she started walking to the bathroom, taking off her T-shirt. 

She pressed the flimsy material to her chest, covering her breasts, but as she looked back at a bewildered Cosima, she told her, “I believe you know how to make that coffee, don’t you?” 

She smiled once again, a shameless, mischievous attitude written all over her face and walked into the bathroom, closing the door after her. 

Instead of thinking about Cosima’s expression right after she turned her back, or about her appealing lips, she turned on the cold water. 

There was something about the thrill, the anticipation that made Delphine desire her more. Something told her that if she waited for just a bit longer, the actual act would be even better. 

It was also the idea of getting to know each other better. A little more time would show Delphine certain things that Cosima liked or didn’t like, which would give her a better insight to the woman. 

By the time she got out of the shower, Delphine smelled the coffee’s flavor. Cosima had prepared it and now she was sitting at the table in the middle of Delphine’s kitchen, reading some magazine. 

She let her wet hair splayed on her shoulders and she covered herself with one of her red silk robes; she always loved its blood color. And now she knew Cosima did too. 

“You know, you don’t need to seduce me anymore,” Cosima said once she laid eyes on her, dropping the magazine. She stood up, approaching Delphine. “I know you’re hot, you don’t need to prove it, especially after that little wicked act back there. Unless, of course, something follows,” Cosima continued. 

As her lips wavered close to Delphine’s, her hand moved to the belt, meaning to untie it, but Delphine’s hand followed it, stopping it. She saw Cosima’s intentions from her face, her eyes unspeakably impatient, and Delphine felt the exact same thing, but she didn’t show it; she still stood by her opinion. 

“Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet,” Delphine quoted in a whisper. She kissed Cosima shortly and moved on to prepare breakfast. 

“Don’t you quote Aristotle to me,” Cosima complained. “He didn’t have someone like you sitting right in front of him, all hot and wise and teasing.” 

“I think he did, though,” Delphine said matter-of-factly, turning to her. “That’s why his quote is so true.” 

“And you had to wear red! You know I love red,” Cosima whined further, sitting back down with a frown. 

As the rain outside kept falling from the gray skies, Delphine laughed, turning the radio on. 

“Yeah, I might’ve been a little taunting with this one.” 

“It does look good on you,” Cosima said, scanning her body in the velvety garment. Sighing, she added, “Will you at least tell me what we’re doing today?” 

“Whatever you feel like.” 

“Well, I’m going to be in a bad mood because of you for a while,” she pushed. 

“Come on… is a little anticipation that bad?” Delphine asked, bending a little over the table, leaning on her elbows. 

Cosima’s eyes slipped on her slightly exposed cleavage. 

“If you do that, _yes!_ ” Cosima replied, irritated. 

“Okay, fine, I’ll go change,” Delphine said, untying her robe as she passed by Cosima. 

She didn’t hear Cosima complain, most probably because she was grateful. If she couldn’t touch, she’d be moody and pissed. 

_An interesting thing to know_ , Delphine thought as she took a T-shirt and trousers. 

Opening the window to the bedroom, she heard a ringtone coming from behind her. It wasn’t hers. 

As she looked over her shoulder, she noticed Cosima’s phone ringing. 

She wasn’t enthusiastic seeing Shay’s name on the screen. 

“Who’s that?” Cosima asked with a mouthful of biscuits. Delphine handed over the phone, and as Cosima read the name, she sighed, swallowing the food. 

Delphine walked out of the room, leaving her some privacy. The only things she heard were among the lines of “That’s none of your business anymore” and “I grabbed them yesterday”. 

Their conversation didn’t take long. By the time she was done with her breakfast, Cosima came back into the kitchen, a neutral look on her face. 

“Everything okay?” Delphine asked apprehensively, afraid not to cross a line. 

“Yeah, yeah, she just wanted to know about the boxes and stuff,” she answered, sitting down again, continuing to eat her own breakfast. 

Delphine nodded, not really aware of what to say at times like this. So she just let the light sound of the rain and the soft music fill the silence. 

As she watched her eat, drink her coffee, Delphine reached out to take her hand. 

“What do you say we go to the bookstore down the street?” she suggested. “It’s where I like to think I met you. Apart from the career you.” 

“You mean like a week ago after we’d kissed and I apologized and everything sucked?” Cosima asked with her mouth full again, a disbelieving look on her face. 

“Oh, non, I had seen you there before. It was after we worked on Natalie, after our first case,” Delphine explained. “I was looking for a book and I saw you studying one. You just looked so… in your element. I was kind of struck. It was a different environment, like a parallel universe, if I can say so. Just like on the dance floor.” 

Cosima smiled. “Why didn’t you say anything?” 

“I don’t know. I told you, I was kind of struck. I guess you can say I was nervous,” Delphine said, giggling. 

Cosima did too. “So that’s when the Niehaus magic started enrapturing you.” 

“I guess, though I didn’t tell.” 

“Well then, I guess going back there together after all our previous laughter and heart ache would be nice,” Cosima admitted, smiling. 

It would feel different. 

By the time they changed and got ready, the rain stopped and a shy sun reappeared from between the white clouds. The smell of rain filled Delphine’s senses as she walked down hand in hand with Cosima to the place she liked to think everything really begun. 

“It’s called petrichor,” Cosima told Delphine, when she brought into conversation the distinct smell of rain, as they crossed the street to enter the bookshop. 

“I never knew it had a name,” she replied. 

“And now you do. You’re welcome, my lady,” Cosima said, opening the door cordially. 

The familiar atmosphere and image wrapped Delphine when they entered. Heading to the scientific row, she saw with the corner of her eye that Cosima followed her, but her eyes were on the books. 

“Do you ever check out the other rows too?” Delphine asked out of curiosity. 

“Sometimes,” Cosima affirmed. “But my field of interest is here.” 

“As I would imagine,” Delphine said, her eyes moving to the books and Cosima chuckled. 

From time to time she would show up next to Delphine, showing her different books, presenting their components like a guide. She had read most of them, so she would tell Delphine everything, keeping her voice hushed, like in the NICU. 

She even brought her the book she gazed at, the one Delphine bought and she didn’t say anything about her own copy back at home. 

“I’ve always wanted it, but I never got to buy it. It seems like a forbidden fruit, somehow,” she explained. 

“Interesting,” Delphine said, thinking what she meant by ‘forbidden fruit’. She would show it to her; she wanted those nights in which she would listen to Cosima’s explanations while drinking tea and trying to figure out what she couldn’t on her own. 

“Am I bothering you?” she asked her at last. “I know I talk too much, but Shay wasn’t really interested in books and I never really had anyone to share this passion with. I’ll leave you to it if you mind,” she told her, obviously troubled. 

Delphine turned her head in her direction abruptly, prepared to deny the whole thing in a second. “Do I look annoyed? Because if I do, I am so sorry, I’m not, I just… I have a thing I want to show you when we get home and I keep on thinking about it. But no, I could never be annoyed by you.” 

Cosima’s watermelon pink lips slowly turned into a grin, lighting her face up. 

“You’re the best,” Cosima told her, giving her a short kiss on the cheek. 

“Right back at you, ma chérie.” ( _my dear_ ) 

They didn’t spend as much time as they did when they went separately, mostly because the publications were already known to both of them. The simple act of them being there somehow refilled Delphine’s spiritual side connected to books and knowledge, even if she didn’t see anything new or buy anything. 

“So what did you want to show me?” Cosima asked as they walked out. 

“It’s… it’s more of a surprise. I spent a lot of time dealing with it and I think I need your help.” 

“Ooh, now you’ve made me curious,” Cosima said, linking their arms. 

The trees’ yellow leaves started falling, forming pathways on the boardwalks. The skies’ white clouds started fading gradually, making way for the warming sun. 

The small talks and the richer talks were never really absent between the two doctors, and they never repeated. New subjects would always surface, giving birth to different ideas and new debates. 

Once they were taking their coats off, Cosima asked, “So… show me?” 

Laughing, she said, “Go sit down on the couch.” 

Taking the book out of her bag, she started explaining. “So this big, dark blue book caught my eye and at first I didn’t think I’d be that interested in it. But then I bought in, and I found myself reading half of it in the first night.” 

She was holding it in her arms, flat to her chest. “I was hoping you could help me understand better,” she told her finally, handing her the science book. 

She recognized it immediately. “No… no… really?” she asked over and over again as she took the news in, excitement and enthusiasm steadily brightened her face. 

Delphine nodded, biting her lip; she took that image in, one of the images she’d been dying to see happen. 

“You better sit your ass down, Cormier, it’ll be a long night,” she told her and smiled widely as she looked through the pages she probably already knew well. 


	14. Limerence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Limerence (n.) - a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person; being infatuated with someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all are kind and supportive and excited as ever and I love you and thank you for that!!

Delphine really started to like sleeping next to another person at night. Moreover, she loved having Cosima next to her. She loved feeling her warmth, hearing her quiet, slow breathing. The secure hand that was always somehow on her made her feel safer, better; either on her hip, over her stomach or interlaced with her own, it made her feel safe and sound. 

She barely noticed the few boxes in her apartment, feeling like they’re a part of her home. The only thing that was bothering her was the fact that her stuff were still in the boxes; what was bothering her was that Cosima kept telling her she’s searching for a place and what was annoying her most was that every time Cosima said so, Delphine’s answer would be a poor ‘okay’ or ‘sure, take your time’, when in reality she didn’t want her to leave. Though they hadn’t spent much time together as a couple yet, she started getting used to another body in her bed, on her couch, or the extra plate at the kitchen table. She had spent so much time alone and now, when she’s found someone who made her feel at her best, she couldn’t even gather her words to tell her to stop looking because she wanted her right there, with her. 

But when she was able to put that thought aside, she came to the realization she was feeling the happiest she’s been in months, years maybe. It was something she didn’t know she needed or wanted up until she first danced with Cosima. She had been so focused on her work, on Chelsea, that besides some lonely nights she didn’t really think about someone. And when she made contact with Cosima that night in a completely different way, something clicked inside. A bulb turned on and revealed a forgotten page in the book that was her life. 

So when on Monday morning they got in the scarlet Juke to drive to work, Delphine couldn’t stop smiling; physically, she wanted to keep her smile on because she was that happy. 

The previous night had been the night Delphine always pictured. Sitting on her couch, a cup of tea warming her hands, her eyes watching Cosima’s hands explain for hours about the Big Bang theory. She was present, finally putting the pieces she’s read together with the help of Cosima’s detailed and meticulous information. She understood the theories and laws before, but now everything made sense. 

She sometimes briefly got out of the physics magic she was enraptured in only to be taken by Cosima’s magic. She seemed to be in a trance herself; the passion which she spoke with intrigued Delphine further. 

It was her glistening eyes with pleasure, her hands never settling next to her body, her tone which didn’t seem to get tired made everything so much stimulating. 

When Delphine started putting in words too, Cosima was patient, paying attention to what she had to say, listening to what she had to say. In that point they weren’t in a relationship anymore, they weren’t Cosima and Delphine who were very much in love with each other; they were two people discussing their passion, dissecting every part of every theory. Two scientists putting out their beliefs on invisible blackboards, pinning them next to each other, connecting dots. 

So when she felt the fatigue next morning, she still thought back of all the information she’d received rather than the few hours of sleep she’d lost and felt empowered. 

“I’m going to visit Chelsea first, okay?” Delphine told Cosima in the hospital’s elevator. 

“Yeah, sure, let me know how she feels,” she replied. 

“I’ll catch you later, then,” Delphine told her when the doors opened and kissed her. The Neuro wing was two floors lower than the attendings’ lounge. 

Seeing Chelsea from the opened door, Delphine’s smile grew on her lips. 

“Well, I think I might’ve introduced you to something really wonderful with these books, haven’t I?” she asked once she entered, seeing she was almost finishing the second book she had received. 

“Cormier! Come here, I missed you,” Chelsea said with her spirits high, opening her arms. 

Delphine hugged her, relieved to see her dynamic back. 

“So how’re you feeling?” she asked her, sitting down at the edge of her bed. 

“I’m really good, feeling better and better. The scans are good, my scar is healing, Dr. Adams is already sure I can go home today,” she told her and Delphine took a second to listen to that British accent she’d missed so much. “And you? You definitely look more radiant than last time I saw you.” 

“Well, yeah, I’m really happy to see you’re doing great.” 

“Sure; but tell me the thing I know you’re dying to tell me,” she said. 

Delphine slightly bit her lip, smiling. 

Chelsea’s brow shot up. “That’s the famous Cormier lip bite… what did you do?” 

As Delphine told her how her weekend unfolded, everything from her door opening and finding Cosima to the small kiss they shared this morning in the elevator, Chelsea’s smile reappeared. She started laughing once Delphine was done. 

“You’re a cheeky one, you know that? You didn’t want to tell me about your new girlfriend right away, did you?” she said and poked her shoulder. 

“Look, I wanted to tell you face-to-face. Besides, I don’t know what to call her yet,” Delphine defended herself. 

“Oh, shut up, you’re both head over heels for each other,” she said and they both laughed. “I want to see her. I want to see you both together.” 

“We’ll visit you tonight then. I have to take you home anyway,” Delphine said. 

Chelsea smiled for a moment without saying anything. Her short brown hair was naturally wavy, reaching her shoulders. It covered the white band circling her head partly, the bandage meant to cover the incision. Delphine always considered she looked best without all the flawless make-up she always applied, and this image she had right now proved it; even after a big surgery, her beauty shined simply influenced by her smile. How much a smile could change an expression… 

“I’m happy you’ve finally found peace with her. I know how much she means to you,” she said. “Don’t screw this up. Remember what I told you about her soul,” she added in true Nichols fashion. 

Delphine shot her a seriously critical look. “Good advice you give at the start of the relationship I’ve been dreaming of.” 

“Hey, I’m joking, you know I’m joking,” Chelsea said. “Now go work, at least you can. I miss it like hell.” 

Delphine pushed her joke away. “I’m sure it’s been hard. But if you’re going home tonight, you can be back by the end of this week or next week, right?” 

Chelsea’s eyes widened. “ _Next week?_ I was thinking to come in tomorrow!” 

Delphine shook her head, standing up, preparing to leave. “No, definitely not tomorrow. At least two more days spent at home. And I’ll come take you out on walks if I get out earlier from work. Which I might just do this week.” 

“Come on, Delphine. I’m fine, I’m perfectly fine,” Chelsea whined. “Besides don’t you have hot sex waiting for you at home?” 

“Not yet,” Delphine said. 

“Oh, Delphine, not that anticipation methodical shit of yours… that poor woman.” 

“There’s no method. But hey, if we say that, we have to admit it’s worked so far. So, how will we proceed?” she asked, the attitude that of a teacher’s. 

Chelsea folded her arms at her chest, pouting and looking away. 

_Gosh, now I have two kids to take care of,_ she thought, thinking how this behavior matched Cosima’s sometimes. 

But she didn’t really have time for shenanigans. “How will we proceed, doctor?” 

“I’ll stay home for a few days, we’ll go walking unless you get way too turned on to bear anything else,” Chelsea said, looking back at her, visibly maintaining her smile. 

Delphine felt like her cheeks would start burning soon. Trying to keep it casual, she said, “And I’m the brat here. Alright, I’ll see you tonight.” 

Delphine felt the difference between working while heartbroken and working while her heart was happy and at peace. Though her passion remained the same, her old drive and excitement returned. 

And she was so grateful. She felt slightly helpless when she was not able to cheer up the sick kids like before, for not being able to reassure the worried parents the way she used to. 

Seeing the little kids’ smiles, the parents’ happy tears… it was one of the reasons she wanted to do this job. 

-.-.-.- 

_“Lunch?”_ Cosima texted by noon, by the time Delphine had done most of her work. The uplifted mood also boosted her consciousness and hustle. 

_“On my way,”_ she texted back. 

Truthfully, she didn’t realize how hungry she was only when she was going down to the cafeteria. It was a satisfying hunger; the one you have when you know you’ve earned the meal, taking it like a reward. 

She would be searching for Cosima with her eyes only when she was in the line, because in the moment she entered her attention was caught by Chase. 

“Oh, Delphine, hi!” he said awkwardly, bumping into her as she opened the doors. 

“Hey, Chase,” she greeted back, smiling politely. “How’s it going?” 

“I just ate, I was heading back to the lounge. But I can keep you company in line if you want to,” he proposed. 

“Oh, I don’t want to keep you from your work,” Delphine said, trying to be as cordial as humanly possible. With this guy if you showed some extra emotion, he would get the wrong idea. 

“It’s okay, I have to wait until my surgery anyway.” 

He wasn’t exactly the person Delphine waited to be with, but she figured she’d sit down with Cosima and talk once she’s got her food. So she agreed, mostly because she wanted to be amiable. 

The line wasn’t long and while Chase started telling her about the case he was working on, Delphine’s eyes found Cosima’s, her hand waving. She waved back and smiled warmly, but her attention snapped back to Chase at the sound of a name. 

“Tiffany Parker?” she asked, looking back at her colleague. “You’re working with Tiffany?” 

“Yeah, I haven’t until now. We have… very different point of views,” he said, seemingly just as troubled as Delphine was back when they worked together. 

“Oh, I know how that is. I worked with her too. She’s a tough one, mostly because of her radical and even sesnseless decisions,” she said, suddenly into the conversation, as they advanced in the line. 

“And what did you do? How did you change her mind?” he interested. 

“Well, I told her what I thought and, well, what was the right choice to make. She agreed with me, in the end, reluctantly.” 

“Shit… I’m very not good at winning debates,” he admitted. 

“I don’t believe that,” Delphine said. “I know there’s a shark in there, you just have to find the one thing that will bring it out. Find your fire,” she told him, pointing his chest and laughing. 

Tilting his head, he smiled and said all inspired suddenly, “You’re right. I will ignite my fire. Thank you, Delphine.” 

“My pleasure to help,” she replied, smiling. “Now go, find your inner force.” 

He smiled and patted her shoulder friendly, leaving the cafeteria. Thanking the nice woman behind the counter for the food, she walked to Cosima’s table, finally being able to see the smile she’d missed. 

But as soon as she reached the table, a smile wasn’t what was waiting for her. Instead, a cocked eyebrow and a questioning look painted Cosima’s expression into one Delphine wasn’t quite familiar with. 

“Is everything okay?” she asked her as she sat down. 

She was leaned back on her chair, her legs crossed with an authoritative attitude. Sipping juice from a white cup, she replied, “Who was that?” 

“Oh, he’s Chase, you know Chase,” Delphine said casually, taking a mouthful of pasta. 

“I do know Chase, but I don’t like _that_ Chase,” she continued, propping her elbows on the white table. 

Delphine’s eyes widened, swallowing the food. “Affectionate? He’s just being nice. We were talking about Tiffany. He’s working with her.” 

“Right…” she replied, unbelieving. 

Delphine got the hints. Smiling, she tilted her head, saying, “Cosima… are you jealous?” 

Biting on the straw, she lied. “No, I’m just… curious.” 

“Are you serious?” she asked. Reaching out to take her hand, she continued. “I don’t… he’s a friend. I was being nice, not flirty.” 

Refusing to take her hand at first, she let Delphine go on. “Hey, I didn’t dream about you for nights just because you’re interesting. I only have eyes for you, believe me.” 

Just like Chelsea, she kept her little pout on for a little, but then her mouth formed a smile gradually, which turned into her irresistible grin, finally taking Delphine’s hand. 

“Dumbass,” Delphine said, as she returned to her pasta. 

“Look, I’m allowed to be a little jealous. Especially when I got someone who looks and acts like you. I’ll have to get used to the fact that you’re just being nice and that will never change,” she admitted. “But I don’t want it to. One of the things I love about you is your ability to find the good in anyone and be… more than just polite with them.” 

Delphine smiled, while chewing. “You see? You’re getting the hand of being with me.” 

Cosima grinned back, drinking the remains of her juice. 

“I’m a challenge myself to be with.” 

“Oh, I noticed. I’m starting to see your inner truths,” Delphine said, chuckling. 

Still grinning, Cosima winked like the situation was helpless. 

And in that moment, Delphine had a random, lightning thought and desire that screamed the fact that she wanted to get to know Cosima even more. That she wanted to know these exact things that made her jealous or pissed off, but at the same time the little things that excited her and made her enthusiastic. 

Before getting the time to ask the question, one of their pagers beeped and she realized it wasn’t her own because she didn’t feel the buzz it had every time it went off. 

“Oh, shoot, one of my patients is coding,” Cosima said as she looked at her pager. “I gotta run. I’ll see you tonight, then.” 

“By the car,” Delphine said, as Cosima stood up. 

“By my favorite car,” she corrected her, her smile on, despite the emergency that needed her. 

Delphine finished her lunch, the question she was about to ask before Cosima was called to duty still lingering on her tongue. Thinking back of her strategy, she figured a little anticipation wouldn’t hurt. 

But she was still dissatisfied with something; she didn’t get to look at her for long enough. She didn’t get to take her smile in, to gaze into her eyes like she had in the past couple of days. Opposite to the two days filled with her, she had something that felt like withdrawal now that she saw her. The feeling of the short meeting not being enough threw her back a little, an overwhelming feeling that was new to her. Surely, she would learn to get used to it, but until they’d get there, she still wanted to see as much of Cosima as possible. 

Shaking her head, she pinned her smile back on, realizing she still did have Cosima, even if she wasn’t by her side at the moment. 

-.-.-.- 

“We have to take Chelsea home,” Delphine told Cosima as they changed at the end of the day. “They’re discharging her today.” 

“Oh, that’s great! I wanted to visit her today, but I was busy,” she admitted. 

“So you’ll become like besties now? My best friend will be best friends with my girlfriend?” she asked and only after she realized she just called Cosima her girlfriend without thinking. 

Concealing her blush by turning away to put her shoes on, she noticed Cosima didn’t seem surprised by the label. “Isn’t that a good thing? I really like Chelsea, so unless she doesn’t like me, I do want to be her friend.” 

“She does like you. Everyone likes you,” she said as she stood up, seeing Cosima was already done, waiting for her. 

In the elevator they were alone, and Cosima asked ”Your girlfriend, huh?” She was smiling, like she was feeling proud saying it. 

Delphine felt the heat go back in her cheeks as she tried to give a proper answer. “It just came out, I didn’t think-“ 

“Hey,” Cosima interrupted her. “I liked it,” she told her and laced her fingers to Delphine’s. She smiled to the blushing woman as the doors opened. 

That’s how they made their way to Chelsea’s room, hand-in-hand, little to no care at all of what people thought. 

“Oh, look at you two. I ship you already,” Chelsea said, putting down the book she had a few pages left to read from when they walked in. 

Cosima laughed, getting closer to her. “How are you feeling? Ready to go home?” 

“So very ready, you can’t imagine,” she replied, hoping down from the bed, already in her street clothes, her bag made and set by the foot of the hospital bed. 

“I’m glad then. We were both worried, as I’m sure you know,” she said. 

“Oh, I know the level Delphine can get to with the worrying. She can be a real bundle of nerves sometimes, so good luck with that. She might just be like your mommy at times,” Chelsea said. 

“I’m debating whether I should just leave you here or not,” Delphine said. 

“I don’t think you’ve got the guts to do it,” Cosima said, taking the small bag. 

“Already teaming up against me, you two?” 

Chelsea smiled at Cosima and she winked in return. 

“This will be fun,” Chelsea admitted as they headed out to the elevator. 

On the ride home Cosima insisted to sit in the back, but little did she know that Chelsea was a better persuader than she was. The ride was filled with laughter and chatter about nothing and everything, mostly Chelsea interviewing Delphine and Cosima about how they came to be together. 

After buying a few groceries for Chelsea and dropping her off at her place, they made their way home. 

As she closed the door behind her, Delphine leaned into it, exhaling. The relief of finally seeing Chelsea back in her apartment, tumor-free, took a weight off her chest. 

She watched Cosima take her scarf off, folding in carelessly, but she didn’t get too far with her jacket, as Delphine took her hands, pressing her to the wall behind her. 

After the soft impact with the wall, Cosima smiled and by the time she could say something Delphine’s lips were on her own, slow at first, but getting hungrier by the second. Settling her hands on her hips, she brushed her tongue on Cosima’s pink lips, asking for permission. Knowing Cosima’s expectant attitude whenever Delphine kissed her more passionately, she wasn’t surprised when she met her tongue, responding to the kiss just as fiercely. 

Bringing her hands up to her face, into her curls, she undressed Delphine of the flamingo-coloured coat. Delphine started getting lost in her touch, in her presence, slithering her hand inside Cosima’s blouse, feeling her warm, smooth skin underneath. She got rid of the red coat too, starting to feel the need of more skin to skin contact. 

She was finally in the place she dreamed for half of the day. Invading her senses, Cosima’s closeness was all she needed at the moment. 

And then, slowing her movements down, taking the heat of the kisses to a lower level, she finally parted from Cosima’s lips. 

“What’s wrong?” Cosima asked, visibly not enjoying the break. 

Delphine smiled and she detached her body from the other woman’s slowly. 

“No…” Cosima said. “No that…” 

Sticking to what she told her, she said, “Wasn’t it better… than last morning?” 

Starting to unbutton her shirt, she smiled even more seeing Cosima’s expression change. 

“It does work…” she agreed. “I hope I won’t have to wait for much longer, though. You should be ready for when you actually make up your mind.” 

“Oh yeah? Why is that?” Delphine asked, feeling just as playful as Cosima was. 

“You shouldn’t plan anything for the next day. If you know what I mean,” she told her and passed by a bewildered Delphine, heading to the bathroom. “I’m taking the cold shower first,” Cosima said, dropping her ruby shirt to the floor. 

Ignoring the situation between her legs, she bit her lip hard, exhaling deeply. She leaned into the wall, closing her eyes. She knew her method worked, she knew once they’d finally be there, in full-contact, it would be more delirious, but… with Cosima she had a certain need, a more burning desire than with previous partners to get there a bit faster. 

-.-.-.- 

After enjoying a light dinner and a relaxing shower, they both sat down on the wool button sofa, having the black, fluffy blanket cover them while they surfed through the TV’s channels. 

“Isn’t this the blanket I covered myself with that night?” Cosima asked as she skipped channels. 

“It is… don’t you like it?” Delphine asked. 

“I do, but I wondered if this is what you give every guest,” she said and giggled. 

“You know, I don’t really have people sleeping over. Whenever Chelsea sleeps over, we just sleep in the bed,” she said casually. 

When Cosima shot her a perplexed look, she continued. “Oh come on, we’re like sisters. It’s different from me and you.” 

“I know, but still. I mean, I never had friends over,” she told her. 

Delphine nodded, finding the fact a bit odd, and as she looked at Cosima, her head resting on her chest and her body glued to Delphine’s, that burning question from lunch rushed back in her mind, ready to be spat out. 

“Hey, I wanted to ask you something,” she told her. 

“Shoot,” Cosima said, without looking at her yet. She continued changing channels until she settled on one. 

“So, I was thinking… we know each other pretty well. But given the circumstances in which we came to be together, we didn’t actually have the proper steps that lead to a relationship.” 

Cosima now looked up at her, a puzzled look on her face. 

“Well, a very theoretical way to put it, but yes, it’s true.” 

Looking into her eyes, she captured her lower lip between her teeth before asking the question. “Would you like to go on a date with me?” 

Cosima grinned almost immediately, her tongue poking through her teeth. “I would love to.” 

She leaned in, kissing her and continuing to smile against her lips. 

That night though they didn’t spend much time in front of the TV, they went to bed and talked late into the night again. 

When they decided it was time to head to sleep, they turned the lights off and Cosima cradled in her arms. 

The question she asked next perplexed Delphine too. It was another lightening thought, said right as she thought about it, without actually reviewing it. 

But if it came out of nowhere, then nowhere was a good place. 

“Let’s take a week off and go somewhere,” she said and she didn’t let Cosima say anything just yet. “Let’s go away.” 


	15. Epiphany

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epiphany (n.) - a moment of sudden and great revelation or realization.

“Have you ever been there?” Delphine asked as they ate something lit for breakfast. They had been talking about this last-minute trip for the entire night, barely wanting to go to sleep. 

“Of course I have. Me and my parents had several road trips throughout Canada in the summer and winter,” the dreadlocked woman answered with a mouthful of yoghurt. 

“Really? Not in the US?” she asked, surprised. 

“We had some trips there, too. But I guess they liked Canada more,” she admitted. “And you?” 

“I don’t remember that many trips, but I do know we’ve done this big tour around Canada in which we stopped in important places my parents wanted to show me and I’ve learnt a lot on that trip. Things that are still with me,” Delphine told her. “And the lakes are so beautiful. I can’t wait to see them again.” 

“They really are. You know we can go canoeing, right? That sport has always been so interesting to me.” 

Delphine snapped her head in her direction, laughing. “Canoeing? You want me to paddle a canoe on a frozen lake?” 

“Yeah, it is winter… though it’d be a nice first date,” Cosima said and giggled. 

Delphine realized she was joking –or she hoped she was. “Go pack some clothes. I’ll talk to the Chief. I suppose you have some free days.” 

“I do, I never take leave. I just love work that much. But Dr. Cormier… I’m still a bit shocked with your idea… so spontaneous,” she said, taking her hand. 

“I told you, life with me is dynamic.” Delphine pulled her closer. 

Cosima cocked an eyebrow. “I think I can handle you,” she claimed. 

They stood there for a moment, holding their breaths, but gazed in each other’s eyes. Delphine felt that reassuring feeling everywhere in her body when she met the hazel eyes. 

“We should get going,” she said quietly, almost in a whisper. “We’ll have plenty of time for this.” 

Cosima nodded and kissed her softly. 

Delphine took care of letting the Chief know, as she’d said. She knew she never caused any trouble and she was always thorough, but for some reason she was still a bit anxious when he had picked up. 

“A vacation? But Christmas is coming up, won’t you need time off then too?” he asked. 

“That won’t be necessary, sir.” 

“Well, all right then. I suppose it’s true there’s only one or two people who would deserve this leave, and that’s you, doctor.” 

Delphine smiled. “I would like to request a few days off for Cosima Niehaus as well.” 

“Oh, Dr. Niehaus too… what am I going to do without two of my top doctors?” he asked, laughing. 

“I think things will go just fine. You do have several other doctors just as good as us.” 

“Right… speaking of which, how is your friend, Dr. Nichols? I heard the procedure went just fine.” 

“Yes, she’s recovering. She’s a very optimistic and devoted person, so she’ll be back in her scrubs in no time. She doesn’t like wasting time.” 

“That’s great to hear. Well, enjoy your trip, doctors,” he said. 

“Thank you, sir,” she told him politely and hanged up before she could panic about his last words to her. 

And what if he knows ultimately? It’s not like they wanted to keep it as a secret. 

Unlocking her phone again, she called Chelsea. She felt guilty; she had told her they will go out, that she’ll help her get back on her feet. And now she was leaving. 

The British accent greeted her warmly. “How’s it going?” 

“Everything’s great. And you?” she said, leaning into the table. She looked down at her blue plain shirt, fiddling with its hem. 

“I’m great, I just came back from shopping,” she said, and Delphine could hear rustling in the background. 

“Oh… where were you?” 

“Just down the street.” 

“Walmart?” 

“No, the market, actually,” Chelsea replied. 

“The market? But that’s further than ‘just down the street’.” 

“Look, Delphine, I feel really good. That walk was something I needed a lot. And the fresh air really improved my sleepy state. Besides, I needed some fresh groceries.” 

“Do you have any headaches? Shortness of breath?” 

“No, none. I told you, I’m feeling great. I’m not going to take you away from your activities just to walk me around like I just had a heart transplant or a tumor half my brain. It was something small, caught in time, but now it’s gone. It’s over, I’m healed.” 

Delphine stopped, nodding. “You’re right. You’re strong, and I should’ve taken into consideration the fact that you’re also stubborn and impatient.” 

“I mean, I would call that determined, or eager, but you do have a point. So, why’d you really call? If you wanted to take me out on a walk with a cane you would’ve come straight here.” 

“I’m leaving for a few days with Cosima. We’re going to travel a little,” Delphine told her. 

“Oh! A lesbian road trip. That sounds delightful,” Chelsea said and her friend could hear the smile on her mouth influencing her tone. “Where are you going?” 

“We’re seeing the lakes,” she said. 

“I must admit… it does sound nice. Well, just be careful and call me whenever you can, please.” 

“Of course. And Chelsea, I’m sorry that I-“ 

“No, no, no apologizing. I want you to go out and have fun and relax for a bit. You always work a lot and you need this. Both the trip and Cosima. I’m going back to work in a day or two anyway.” 

Delphine smiled. “Thank you, Chels. You take care too, and we’ll talk.” 

“Have fun. Oh and please… give that poor Cosima what you both want. You know what I mean.” 

Delphine felt her cheeks go red. “Thank you for your candor.” 

“As if you won’t come running to me after you’ve done it to tell me,” Chelsea said and she chuckled. 

“I’m hanging up now,” she said and ended the call. She closed her eyes, laughing. 

_I really don’t know how I could live without this stupid asshole,_ she thought, thinking about Chelsea. 

“Hey, Delphine?” she heard Cosima from her bedroom. 

Clicking back to reality, she made her way down the hall. 

“How much are we actually staying?” she asked her. Cosima was sitting cross-legged in the middle of her room, on the white Saxony carpet. She was surrounded by clothes, all folded up and arranged. Some of the boxes were opened and emptied and she had an empty suit case at ready in front of her. 

“3 or 4 days,” she replied, somewhat dumbfounded. “You don’t need that many clothes, though.” 

“I know, I’m just analyzing my options. You should pack too,” she told her and smiled a few moments later. 

“Right… I advise you to pack warm stuff. The lakes start to freeze with these temperatures. I’ve heard they’re spectacular during winter too, not just the summer,” she said while getting out some clothes for herself. 

“I really can’t wait. This is a very good idea,” Cosima admitted. “Oh, and how long will we be driving?” 

“About 10 hours, calculating the stops too. It’s 9 now, so we should hurry. We’ll be picking up some food on the way.” 

“Right, and where are we staying?” 

She felt a bit overwhelmed. “We’ll arrange that on the road as well.” 

Cosima raised her eyebrows, but she continued to smile. 

“Look, I didn’t have the chance to plan any of this. You know it crossed my mind last night, so I’m still processing what and how we’ll do it,” she said and she realized her tone increased without intention. Stopping, she took a moment. 

“Hey,” the other woman said, standing up from between the pile of clothes. Approaching her, she told her with a calm voice, “I’m not judging you. I know this is a last minute decision. Nothing is really prepared. But I’m here, we’re going together. I’ll be there every step of the way to annoy you.” She smiled warmly and as she felt herself calm down, Delphine raised the corners of her mouth too. 

“I’m sorry, I’m just… a little stressed. I want this to be a good experience,” she said. 

“And it will be, because we’ll be together.” 

Delphine’s smile grew wider until it turned into a grin. 

She kissed her, enjoying her soothing touch, letting herself be a part of it. 

In half an hour they were ready to go, two medium suitcases by the door. Checking everything from heating to water and electricity, they walked out and locked the door. This time Cosima grabbed a red beanie as well, matching her coat. 

“You look adorable,” Delphine told her, as the elevator was descending. 

She didn’t choose anything fancy; her black jeans with a white sweater were the perfect outfit for a day spent in the car for her. 

“Do you know the way?” Cosima asked as they were exiting Delphine’s street. 

“I have the GPS, but the road is abundant with signs and directions,” she said as they stopped at a red light. 

Cosima nodded and switched the radio channels until she found something convenient. “We should stop at a store. I’m kind of hungry.” 

Delphine looked at her. “We just ate like an hour ago.” 

“Two, actually, and it was a light breakfast,” Cosima corrected her. 

“There’s a Target 10 minutes away,” she informed her, as the light turned green. 

“Target it is, then.” 

Cosima offered to take care of the lodging, as Delphine drove. 

“We can switch later, if you need rest,” she said, while looking through the accommodation options. 

“Wait, you can drive?” she asked, surprised. 

“I can. Just because I don’t have a car doesn’t mean I can’t drive.” 

“When was the last time you drove?” Delphine asked curiously.

"One or two months ago. One of my friends drove to a party, and then got ridiculously drunk and I had to take him and his friends back to their homes, so it was one hell of an evening.” 

“Oh… that’s unpleasant…” 

“Where are we stopping? Somewhere near James Bay?” Cosima asked a few moments later. 

“Oui, search for places in that area.” 

“Yes, ma’am,” she said and smiled. 

Turning up the radio’s volume, she started humming along to the song playing. 

“What about this?” Cosima asked after a while. “Oh, no, that’s too far. Hang on.” 

Another minute passed and she came with a different suggestion. “This,” she asked and showed it to Delphine once they stopped at another red light. 

Looking over the details, she said, “I can’t really commit to the price. I’m not being picky or avaricious, but we do need to pay attention to that. Gas will take up more than anything.” 

Cosima agreed to look for something else without comment. 

The sun was shining brightly and the sky’s clouds were slowly dissipating. Noticing the Target, she pulled in its parking lot. The shopping was quick, aware of the fact that it was already almost 1 and with those 9 hours of driving, they could make it in time to have a decent dinner. 

Once they got back inside the car, Cosima continued the search for an accommodation. She found something at last, convenient in price and distance from the sights they wanted to see. 

As they advanced in miles, the car was heated and their coats were already discarded, thrown in the back. Occasionally, when a song came on that they both liked they would sing it together. Cosima wasn’t the best singer, but she wasn’t ashamed to sing at the top of her lungs. Delphine didn’t hear the missed notes or the forgotten words, she heard someone who was having a good time, who was enjoying herself and she couldn’t be happier. 

The time flew by and after they traveled half the distance they decided to stop. 

“I need to stretch,” Delphine said, searching for a place to pull over with her eyes. 

“I saw an indicator. About 10 more miles and there’ll be a gas station,” Cosima informed her. 

“Parfait…” _(Perfect)_

After they refilled the tank with gas and used the washrooms, they got back out in the cold December air. Finally lifting her hands in the air, hearing her bones crack, she closed her eyes and exhaled deeply. 

“You want me to take the wheel?” Cosima asked, watching her. 

“No, it’s fine. I just need a little walk. I don’t mind driving. It’s just the general sitting position, you know?” 

“Yeah, that’s a sucker. Let’s walk a little then,” she said and took her hand, dragging her forward. “Do you know where we are?” 

“Near North Bay. That’s Lake Nipissing right there, see?” she said, pointing towards the big lake, behind the parking lot. 

Cosima nodded and put their hands inside her big, red pocket. They started walking again, until they surrounded the gas station and then stepped back in the car. 

“Half the road, Niehaus.” 

“Oh, I’m energized. You?” she asked with her unmistakable grin. 

“Tu parles!” she answered, smiling. _(You bet!)_

As they drove to the lakes, they noticed the surroundings covered in snow contrasting with the cobalt blue skies. These were the simple, yet perfect circumstances to drive in. No storms, no blizzards, no excessive heat or icy roads. 

Delphine compared this travel to the ones she used to have by herself. The road often seemed never-ending, even if she loved listening to whatever music she wanted without any criticism and singing it at the top of her lungs. She could stop whenever she wanted or not stop at all. She was by herself, not depending on anyone. 

But she had to admit that traveling with Cosima could and would not be boring. She never ran out of stories, but she would also listen to whatever Delphine had to say with big interest. Just like on that night when they talked about the physics book. 

Delphine kept her eyes on the road, but whenever Cosima would turn her head to look at her, she felt her gaze. Putting her hand on Delphine’s thigh softly, she said, “This was a really good idea.” 

“You think so?” Checking the road, Delphine looked at her for a few seconds. She smiled. They both did. 

“I really do.” 

Delphine took the warm hand from her thigh and kissed it delicately. 

They mostly agreed on the music on the radio, even though sometimes Cosima would roll her eyes at the fact that Delphine knew almost every single song that would play. And Delphine loved nothing more but to exasperate her. 

The hotel they booked would offer them dinner whenever they arrived, so they needn’t worry about food. Before they knew it, they were on the street with their lodge. 

“This is Great Northern Road,” Cosima said, straightening in her seat. 

“What number?” 

“229,” she replied. “It looks really nice so I’m hella curious.” 

Delphine chuckled, searching for the building with her eyes. Soon enough they noticed it, a wide, grey hotel, with a big parking lot. 

When they entered, their eyes were met with the brown color combinations. The ash floors and walls were of a light beige, while the desk and ceiling were dark brown. Behind it was a man in his early 20s. 

“Good evening, ladies. Names for reservations?” he asked. His name tag read Mark. 

“Niehaus,” Cosima answered with a smile. “I hope we didn’t arrive too late.” 

“Not at all. The dinner is still warm,” he joked. “All right, your room is number 17. That’s on the second floor.” He handed them the key. “You go up the stairs here,” he said, pointing to a staircase behind him, “and down the hall.” 

“Thank you, Mark,” Cosima said, taking the key. 

“I’ll bring the suitcases, you go open the room, d’accord?” Delphine asked. 

“You sure?” Cosima asked in return, a weird look in her eyes. 

Delphine smiled reassuringly, saying, “Of course.” 

Taking the suitcases and her bag out, she locked the car and checked it. As she wanted to turn, she jumped up in shock when she bumped into a tall figure. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, I just figured I’d help you with the bags.” 

“Mark? Oh, thanks, but I’m good. These aren’t that heavy.” 

“All right, but if you need anything just call room service. And dinner is ready,” he said. 

“Thank you,” she said and smiled politely. “And the dining room is where exactly?” 

“On the ground floor. The first door to the left as you enter.” 

They made their way to the entrance. “And it’s right there,” he said, pointing to a wide opened door. 

Delphine nodded, thanking him once more. 

She walked up the stairs, one suitcase in each hand. As soon as the hall opened up in front of her, she saw Cosima propped on the wall at the end of the long corridor. 

Once Cosima saw her, she ran to take her own luggage. “Oh, my God. Come see, I love it.” 

The room really was lovely. The beige textured carpet contrasted the walls yet again, but the dominant color here was brown as well. 

“Look at the bed, it’s huge,” Cosima said, jumping on it. “Oh, and it’s really comfortable.” 

Delphine looked around the room, circling it. The furniture was much like hers, modern. The view wasn’t something spectacular, but they wouldn’t watch this particular view anyway. 

“Hey, Delphine,” Cosima said, her tone hushed. 

The blonde turned around to see Cosima’s hand extending towards her. A smile was displayed on her waiting face. 

Delphine took her hand, but she didn’t lay down next to her right away. She stopped at the edge of the bed, and looked at Cosima’s face. They both smiled at the sight in front of them. 

“Come lay next to me,” she told her. 

She lay down next to her on her back, but their sides touching, from shoulder to knee. She turned her head to meet Cosima’s eyes, already following her, and latched their hands. 

“I’m so happy to be here with you,” Delphine told her. 

Cosima smiled in return. 

And Delphine felt shivers running down her back, like electricity throughout her body. Cosima lit up this fire inside her, generating something no one ever did. This feeling was new to her, and she wanted to experience it again and again. 

Moving her face closer to Cosima’s, her eyes glanced at her slightly parted lips, her rosy cheeks. She kissed the full lips slowly at first. But as Cosima kissed her back more intensely, Delphine felt the heat rise inside of her, between them. 

As the urge grew, she moved her body on top of Cosima’s, feeling more than just tempted. She felt woken, woken by the way Cosima looked, by her captivating lips, by the smell that characterized her. Her empty stomach stopped minding her, the hazy state she had been in after driving all day had vanished when their bodies came together. 

She moved her hand up Cosima’s shirt, but the dreadlocked woman’s hand stopped her, parting from Delphine’s lips. 

“As much as I love this,” Cosima said, “maybe… maybe we should wait.” The hoarseness in her voice just drove Delphine crazy further. 

Delphine didn’t say anything, she just continued to look into Cosima’s eyes, darkened by the light in the room. She pushed her leg between Cosima’s until it met her groin. 

The woman under her inhaled shortly, freezing. 

“What is it? Are you nervous?” Delphine asked, her own voice having dropped an octave. 

Cosima swallowed, shaking her head. 

Delphine raised her eyebrow. “Lost your words?” 

“You wish,” Cosima shot back eventually, seemingly taking back her steadiness. 

By the time her hand would reach out and touch Delphine, she already stood up. In response to Cosima’s displeased expression, she answered, “I guess we’ll have enough time to do that. I am truly hungry,” she added, stretching and purposely letting her shirt run up her abdomen, uncovering a patch of skin. 

“I certainly am too,” Cosima said more to herself, as she got up. 

Going for her phone, Delphine smirked. 

They went down to have a much needed dinner, finding the diner without any trouble. As soon as they sat down, a waitress came by to bring them menus. 

“Actually, we’d like tonight’s specialty,” Delphine said. “And two glasses of Chardonnay, please.” 

“Right away,” the waitress replied with a kind, polite smile. 

“So what was that about?” Cosima asked after she left. 

“What?” Delphine asked back, as if she truly didn’t know what she meant. 

“I thought we were finally going to-“ 

“Oh, that… well, you seemed pretty uncertain, so I didn’t want to push you.” 

Cosima smiled and looked away. “Yeah, okay.” 

“Look, truth is I just think our first time shouldn’t be after a 9 hour long drive, when we hadn’t even showered or eaten. That’s how I think at least,” she told her honestly.

Cosima looked bewildered. “And what about the other three times we almost did?” 

Delphine smiled, biting her lip. “That was… that was teasing, I admit,” she told her, slightly leaning in and saying it in a hushed tone. 

Cosima rolled her eyes. “Remember I did warn you.” 

“Mm… I’m not afraid.” 

“Good. Me neither.” 

The smiles they shared simply grew wider as they looked at each other. 

The warm meal they ate had been nice and satisfying, something they needed after a long traveling day. 

“We also have a pool and a gym, if you wish to do indoor activities,” the waitress told them when she brought the food. 

“Oh! A pool… that certainly sounds refreshing,” Cosima said, looking at Delphine. 

“But we didn’t bring any swimsuits,” Delphine argued. 

“There are some stores nearby with a clothing section,” the waitress informed them. “The items are of a large variety and the prices are convenient.” 

“Well, thank you, Kristen,” Cosima said, reading her name. 

After Kristen walked away, Cosima turned to her partner. “We should totally buy some swimsuits. Especially if the prices are convenient.” 

“I bet she just said that so that we’d buy,” Delphine said, and her words took her by surprise too. But she ignored it, taking out her fork and cutting into the fried chicken. 

Cosima was silent for a moment. She placed her hand over Delphine’s. “Is everything alright?” 

“Yeah, I’m just a little tired,” she said, looking up and forcing a smile. 

Cosima looked at her disbelievingly. 

“Really, it’s just the day getting to me. Trust me. I’ll be fresh tomorrow,” she told her. 

But now Cosima looked worried. “Alright,” she said at last. “But if there’s something wrong I need you to tell me.” 

Delphine smiled naturally this time. “I will.” 

After the dinner they sauntered back to their room, hand in hand. Delphine felt somewhat relaxed after taking care of her stomach. 

“I really need a shower,” she said once they entered their room. 

She saw clearly how Cosima abstained herself from saying something like “Yeah, let’s do that together” and smirking at her. She knew she’d say that if she were in a more joyful mood, if she hadn’t been so crabby at dinner. She didn’t know why, though. This day had been really good. Nothing unpleasant happened. Could it be that she was simply just tired? 

“Sure, go,” Cosima told her and smiled warmly. “I’ll unpack a bit. Should I do yours too?” 

“Yeah, sure, if you want to,” Delphine replied. _Why do I make it awkward?_

She let the hot water hit her body, her neck, her back and her face. Little did she care about her hair, whether she’d get it wet or not. 

She got out, the towel wrapped around her body and her hair in a high bun. 

When she heard the door open, Cosima stood up out of instinct and walked towards her, still looking at her phone. Stopping in front of her, she looked up at Delphine. 

The corners of her mouth turned up, her eyes lighting up. She tilted her head. “You’re beautiful.” 

She didn’t leave her time to say anything. With a little kiss on her cheek, she walked by her and in the bathroom. 

Hearing the door close behind her, Delphine dropped her head and smiled. Even that small act left her all warm and fuzzy inside. 

She noticed Cosima had unpacked, placing their clothes on categories in the closet, the suitcases placed next to it. The bed was already made, all the design pillows thrown on the floor. 

Cosima was quick to shower too, and by the time she opened the door and turned the light off, Delphine was already in bed, turned to what would be Cosima’s side. 

Finding her eyes, she beckoned her. “Come,” she told her, making place in the king-sized bed. 

The only light left on was the one from the nightstand. When Cosima climbed into bed, Delphine cuddled into Cosima’s arms. 

“We’re here,” Cosima said, closely to her ear. “You’re the most hardworking person I know. Your dedication sometimes tires you, even if it makes you happy, rather than fatigue. Take these few days to rest as much as you need, no matter what that means. I’m here and I’ll give you whatever you need.” She wasn’t facing Cosima, but she didn’t need to. She didn’t need to see her. Her words got to her and they were like honey to her soul. Her voice, a soothing whisper, and her thumb caressing her cheek were feather-like, something so soft and tender that made her heart’s rhythm calm. “Rest, my love,” she told her and kissed the back of her neck just as tenderly as her words were. Delphine wanted to say the words, she really did, because in that moment she felt they were most real. But Cosima’s warmth was too effective and as she felt her kiss, she let herself slip off into sleep, without saying anything else. 

_I love you,_ she dreamed that she had told her. 


	16. In The Eleventh Hour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the eleventh hour (phrase) - at the last moment; just before it is too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well then, here we go...

“Cosima?” Delphine called out lazily next morning. Glancing out the big windows she saw a few clouds on the blue sky, the sun making its way inside the hotel room. 

The other side of the bed was empty. Delphine called for her again. 

Confused, she made her way into the bathroom. She wasn’t there either. 

She picked up her phone, but no sooner that Cosima’s number was dialed, she heard the key in the lock and saw Cosima’s smile peaking from behind the door. Her other hand was busy holding something. 

Delphine hung up and went to help her. “Well, good morning,” she greeted her. 

“Morning, beautiful,” Cosima said and kissed her shortly. “I’m sorry you woke up alone, but I went out to get us some breakfast.” 

“You do know we have room service, right?” Delphine said and sat down next to Cosima on the bed. 

“I do, but I saw this bakery right across the road when we arrived yesterday and I decided to check it out. Besides, a little walk in this fresh air really rejuvenated me,” she said, and Delphine noticed her pink cheeks and brisk eyes, an expression full of life. “Oh, and they also make coffee,” she added and handed Delphine a hot cup. 

“You’re really cute,” Delphine pointed out, sipping from the beverage. 

Cosima grinned and opened the package she bought. “Okay, so I got you cinnamon roll because I know you love cinnamon and I got myself this really good looking cherry bagel.” 

“I never told you I love cinnamon,” Delphine said, biting into the pastry. “Mon Dieu, this is amazing.” 

Cosima laughed, saying, “You didn’t tell me, but I pay attention to details.” 

She winked and Delphine shook her head. “Cheeky…” 

They ate the freshly made breakfast while chatting, after which Delphine settled upon a map of the area to work out a route. 

“Alright, so there’s the five lakes,” Delphine started. 

“Yeah, Superior, Michigan, Huron, Ontario and Erie,” Cosima continued. 

“Someone’s good at geography,” Delphine joked without taking her eyes off the map. 

“I am. And I can also… read maps,” she joked and did a really good job at hiding her sassy smirk. “Okay, so I propose we visit them in, say, 2 days.” 

Delphine nodded. “I love adventures.” 

After packing a few essentials for the outing, they dressed up in their warmest clothes, minding the temperatures outside. They made a three-day plan in order to visit the five lakes. 

Their first day they’d be travelling to Lake Superior, at the Pukaskwa National Park, a 4-hour drive from their hotel. 

“I’m driving today,” Cosima said, extending her hand to ask for the keys. 

“You don’t need to-“ 

“I’m driving today,” Cosima repeated in the same tone. Looking at her, Delphine felt like there would be no way out of this without arguing so she just gave in, handing her the keys. 

It turned out that Cosima was a really good driver, patient and resilient; just like she was as a doctor. She kept her eyes on the road, talking less than Delphine did, but she loosened up a bit when entering the highway. 

“How am I so far, Miss?” she asked her after a while, glancing at her. 

Delphine smiled, while typing something. “You’re great.” 

“Thought so,” Cosima said to herself, turning the volume of the radio up. 

“I gotta call Chelsea,” Delphine announced after a while, lowering the volume. 

She put her on speaker. “Morning, mom,” Chelsea answered, Delphine immediately knowing her mood was a good one. 

“Don’t call me that. What’s up, Chelsea?” Delphine asked. 

“Oh, not much. I just came back from the store,” she replied. 

“Shopping much these days?” 

“I try to not buy as many things at once, so that I can go and buy fresh stuff, but also walk more.” 

“That’s my girl. How’s the weather?” 

“It started snowing just now. Really pretty,” she answered. “And how’s the love trip going?” 

“Not much action, dear Chelsea,” Cosima replied instead of Delphine. 

“Oh, you poor thing. You’ve got a really twisted fish there, Niehaus,” the other woman admitted. 

“I do, but she’s not bad company,” Cosima replied, taking Delphine’s hand. 

“No, she’s not. And what’s your travel plan for these few days in which I miss you terribly?” 

“We’re visiting the five lakes in two days,” Delphine said. 

“And the third one is for love making?” she joked. 

“Oh, great idea, Chelsea, great idea,” Cosima said and she laughed as Delphine blushed. 

“And when are you coming home then? After your birthday?” 

Delphine remained quiet for a moment. She forgot her birthday was coming up. She glanced at her phone’s lockscreen. Today was the 19th. 

“Yeah, we’re coming back on the 22nd,” she replied at last. 

“Just in time for Christmas, then,” Chelsea concluded. “Alright then, I’ll let you two enjoy your time. Call me if you see any moose. I really miss those guys,” she said, tying up the conversation. 

Cosima didn’t say anything about her birthday, surprisingly. Delphine didn’t think much into it, because her birthday never meant anything extra special for her. It was another day, in which one more year was added to her life. Her family, her friends, they all celebrated her and she was always over joyful for everyone’s presence, but with time passing she found herself wanting smaller and smaller gatherings. It felt like the parties pleased everyone, but her. She got to the conclusion that she didn’t like being the center of attention. And Chelsea learned that about her quickly. 

So she was surprised, but happy when Cosima didn’t say anything about the day. She was appreciative that she didn’t make a big fuss about it. 

“You know what we should do?” Cosima asked, her hand still linked with Delphine’s. “We should come again, during summer. I saw pictures with these places, and God, it’s gorgeous. We could hike, or travel with bikes, or visit shipwrecks.” 

“Can you visit shipwrecks?” Delphine asked, curious. 

“We can find out. Oh! We could go canoeing,” she said and looked at Delphine. 

They laughed together, and Delphine continued the idea initiated by Cosima. “I actually love hiking. I have since I was small. My parents were big mountain people. It’s so exhilarating.” 

“Right? Especially when you get that view from the top, when you can see the 360 picture.” 

“Yeah, we should definitely come back,” Delphine said after a while. 

She could imagine it. All of it. Hiking with her, visiting places, learning new things and enjoying life together at its fullest. 

She could imagine it. And she couldn’t be more excited for it. 

The sights they saw as they arrived at the National Park were stunning, even in winter. The lake wasn’t frozen. With different tones of blue, both the sky and the water gave a stunning view. 

The lake was completed with tiny, random islands formed from big, grey rocks. 

They got there on a weather with clear sky and shining sun, but when it was windy the waves formed were really big, but also spectacular for a nature-lover. Delphine loved seeing all of its forms, all of its states. 

The surrounding land had mostly darker shades of green and brown, contrasting with the snow white color that covered the soil. 

They got the same gorgeous views on every trip. They were lucky to catch a clear sky and a warming sun each day. 

With the next day’s trip to see Lake Michigan, Hiawatha National Forest was their other stop, as a cultural reference point. 

The pines were gorgeously decorated with snow. The white matter played a role in adorning the trees, and when the sun was shining on them, it gave them such a unique picture, as if taken straight from a painting. 

In this lake the ice’s presence was clearer, as the frozen water was created on any structure visible due to the famous Chicago winds. The icicles were of compelling forms and quantity. It just showed the nature’s complicated way of manifesting itself. 

“So I just came up with something,” Delphine said as they walked back to their hotel room. 

“Oh, another Cormier eye-opener,” Cosima joked. 

“What if we visit Niagara Falls?” she asked and Delphine stopped, turning to look at her. 

“Shit… now that’s definitely an eye-opener,” she admitted. 

“Have you ever been there?” Delphine said, picking up the pace again. 

“I have, but that place is so stunning it’s worth being visited a hundred times.” 

Opening the door, Delphine agreed. She opened the bag with the swimsuits they had just bought and handed Cosima hers. 

“We’re going to have to find another hotel, though. Distance’s too big,” she said. 

“Well, I am quite good at that,” she said, looking around the room. 

Delphine chuckled, and headed towards the bathroom to change. 

“Am I ever gonna get to see you naked?” Cosima asked in the form of a complaining matter. 

Delphine said nothing, but smirked. She turned around and closed the door. 

After changing, they both grabbed their towels and books, because what else could you do by a pool? 

“Lev Tolstoi, huh?” Cosima asked, as they were making their way to the pool, a towel wrapped around each of them. 

“Yeah, Anna Karenina is one of my all-time favorites. I love re-reading books,” she admitted. “I see you haven’t put down Hawking at all.” 

“Nope, didn’t and won’t. I’m a committed fan,” she affirmed. 

“I’d like to read it too, some day.” 

Cosima smiled at her. “Some day, then. ‘A brief history of time’ could be in anyone’s interest.” 

They entered the room with the pool, and there were hardly any people in the water and on the beach chairs. They occupied two, dropping their stuff. 

Cosima bought a two-piece black swim suit with white outlining. It fit her perfectly, bringing out her body’s drawn-like lines. 

Delphine really saw her for the first time like this. The word describing her best was athletic. Even if she said she never trained or did any sports, her arms were well-defined by muscles, and so were her legs, especially her calves. Her abdomen was flat and every time she laughed, her muscles would show. She had a vigorous figure. Her height didn’t matter, because her forms ruled out any lack of a few inches in height or pounds. 

She felt driven again by the need to reach out and feel her skin, the defined muscles. She wanted to be in contact with her, as much and as deep as possible, to connect on a higher level than before. 

A loud noise brought her back to the present. Someone had jumped in the pool, even though the sign clearly read ‘no diving’. 

“Are you still with me?” Cosima asked as she straightened her body, after arranging her towel. 

“Yes, of course,” Delphine said, preoccupying herself with her own chair, trying to pry her thoughts away from her desires. 

Delphine had always enjoyed swimming. To her, it was a form of clearing your head, on focusing completely on pushing the water away in order to advance, or even the opposite; to float without any direction, letting the water support you and take you wherever. 

She always tried to shake any thoughts away when she entered a pool, because she liked letting the water taking control of her, the only noise being the splashing of the water. 

When she was younger she enjoyed swimming underwater with her goggles. She felt like a mermaid; for as long as she was able to ’breathe’ underwater, before having to come back up for air, of course. 

Cosima turned out to be a pretty good swimmer herself, taking several laps without getting too tired. 

“Were you an Olympic swimmer in a previous life?” Delphine asked when she stopped at the verge, next to her. 

“I like to think I was. Sometimes I just swim and forget about time. I don’t really think about anything else besides keeping a constant rhythm,” she explained. “And with time, I’ve gotten better and faster without actually intending to.” 

“I see that,” Delphine said, smiling. She noticed how Cosima was fidgeting, moving around, turning. Anything but staying still or resting. “Go back to your rounds then. Break your record.” 

Cosima grinned and kissed her lips, a wet, but sweet kiss. “Thanks, babe. I want to hear all about your previous experiences too,” she told her as she was putting distance between them. 

Delphine nodded, as a promise she was to keep, but maybe never remember. 

She did a few more rounds herself, but then she stepped out to read. 

She was about a quarter through it when Cosima finally made her appearance. She stood in front of Delphine, water drops on her body. She was breathing slightly heavier than last time they spoke. Delphine couldn’t take her eyes off her rising chest, her sternum, as she let breaths of air in and out. She looked even fitter now, after leaving the water then she did before entering. She did do a lot of laps, but she didn’t seem fatigued. If anything, she looked more refreshed and lively. Delphine let her eyes roam on her body without realizing, and all their previous almost-sex experiences seemed to gather, to pile up and to urge Delphine to do something about it. 

But she never liked to be impatient or begging. 

“You seem to be a little absent today,” Cosima said as she sat down next to her. “Is everything okay?” 

“Oh, yes, totally. I was just thinking,” Delphine said. 

“About?” 

The blonde smiled. “I’ll tell you later.” 

After one more hour of reading, of a pleasant silence between them, with no noise besides the water, they decided to go back to their room and get ready for dinner. "So, remember I told you to bring something nice too? Like fancy-nice?” Cosima asked when they closed the door to their room. 

“I do, and I did.” 

“Very well. I’m going to need you to take that tonight. We’re going out to a restaurant,” Cosima told her. 

Delphine raised her eyebrows and chuckled. “Alright, then. I’ll shower first if you want me to look nice. I need to wash my hair.” 

“Yes, ma’am,” Cosima said, laughing. “Though you look pretty anytime.” 

It took them about an hour to get ready, but when they were prepared to go, they looked like millions. Delphine brought a lavender tight dress with a black jacket, while Cosima chose to wear a long, leopard print dress. On a creamy white background, the large, dark chocolate brown prints were displayed all over. 

Cosima looked at her, smiling continuously, with her pink lips pressed. 

“What?” Delphine asked, beginning to smile as well. 

“You look angelic, my darling,” she told her, taking her hands. 

They smiled and they both thought the same thing. _I don’t deserve her._

But they did. 

There was no one else who deserved them like they did each other. 

The restaurant Cosima drove her to was elegant, but not too extravagant. The waiters were all polite and welcoming. The atmosphere was truly one to dream of. The lights were moderately dimmed, but there were a couple of candles placed on each table. Even if the restaurant was almost packed with people, everyone spoke in a mannered way, so someone who wasn’t talking to anyone or listening in particular could hear pairs or groups of people talking in the same respectful tone, minding the others in the room. 

“So, tell me about your swimming days,” Cosima asked after they ordered. 

Slightly surprised by the fact that she remembered to talk about that, Delphine started telling her about her childhood summers in which she went out with her friends or her family and swam. Either at the beach or public pools, she never hesitated to take a good swim. She told Cosima all about what she liked to do and even some memories she never shared with anyone, pulling at the time chord until she got to times when she went out with Chelsea. 

“She’s like you. She’s quite athletic and she doesn’t like to sit still for a long time,” she told her. 

Cosima acknowledged her words. “She’s such an interesting person. I don’t mean that she’s weird or curious in a particular way, just rather… striking.” 

“That’s what I always liked about her. That she has many layers and sides and discovering them all takes time, but she’s certainly worth it,” Delphine said. “And it’s not just that. I know she can be ironic and even mocking at times, but she’s truly a caring and devoted person. If you are the same to her.” 

“Well, of course, she wouldn’t stick around for liars,” Cosima agreed. 

“Exactly.” 

Their conversation blossomed with every word they added. Delphine felt the chemistry between them constantly and strongly. She always thought the word ‘soulmates’ or the phrase ‘meant for each other’ were exaggerated or overdone, so she tried to use them rarely. But with Cosima she really felt like there was a connection keeping them wrapped, keeping their minds together and their bodies close, like magnets. She truly felt like they were right for each other, from so many points of view. 

“Are you paying with cash or card?” the waiter asked when they requested the check. 

“Card, please,” Cosima replied before Delphine even got any time to think about how much money she even had on her. 

Delphine looked back at her with a questioning look, but Cosima didn’t meet her gaze. She was busy putting her PIN code in and paying for their entire goddamn check. 

“Thank you. Enjoy your night further,” she wished them and walked away. 

“What was that about?” Delphine asked. 

“I paid for our dinner,” Cosima said nonchalantly. 

“But-“ 

“It was my treat, Delphine. The least I can do,” she said standing up. “Come, let’s go.” 

“The least you can do…” Delphine said to herself, still confused. She was certainly thankful, but it came out of nowhere. 

The evening had a palpable inevitability; somehow, they both sensed this was it. When they entered their room and Delphine cornered Cosima, pushing her against the door gently, they both had the same look in their eyes, the same plans for the night. 

-.-.-.- 

Delphine approached her slowly. She brought her hand to Cosima’s face, running her thumb over her full lips, maintaining their gaze. 

She leaned in, kissing the soft spot under her jawline, all the way down to the base of her neck. Cosima tilted her head, exposing the delicate skin to Delphine’s hungry mouth. She placed her hands on her hips, steadying herself on her feet. Delphine slid the brown jacket off Cosima’s shoulders, running her hands down her arms, finally feeling the toned structure. 

She lifted her head, watching Cosima. Her eyes were closed, but as soon as she opened them, their gaze was held steady. The dreadlocked woman took the chance to rid Delphine of her black coat. 

She took Delphine’s face in her hands and brought her mouth to her craving one. Delphine tasted the wine they had drunk earlier. She brought her hand to her neck, pushing Cosima back on the door with the other, by her hips. She let her tongue run along Cosima’s lower lip, asking for permission. 

As the intensity grew, the passion they shared flourished with their lips parting and meeting again. It was like they met each other all over again, like their lips hadn’t wondered over each other before, like their hands were travelling on the other woman’s body for the first time. 

“I want you,” Cosima told her quieter than ever, but it still rang in Delphine’s ears, it rang powerful and steady. It wasn’t the first time she’d heard these words either, but it seemed like now they had the greatest effect on her. 

They made their way to the bed, kicking their heels off, almost no space between their bodies. Delphine turned for her dress to be opened, and Cosima unzipped it too slowly. 

When it slid off her shoulders, Delphine remained bare, besides her underwear. She hadn’t taken any bra for clothing reasons, not anything else. When Cosima’s lips touched her back, she tensed up, her back muscles suddenly stiff. Cosima reached to her sides, taking her hands, and with the familiar feeling of the smaller woman’s hands in her own, she relaxed, breathing out. 

She let her head drop to the side, turning around to face her lover again. Cosima’s eyes didn’t drop to her chest from the moment she turned, she looked at her lips, in her eyes, captivated by them. She took her own dress off, leaving her in all-black undergarments. 

Delphine pulled her closer until their bodies touched. She kissed her in a more heated way this time, the exploring part over. Now she wanted to feel as much as she could of Cosima. 

They were maddening. Cosima’s lips were maddening. She selfishly wanted to kiss them until they were red, she wanted to taste them again and again. 

Her skin was so warm, so welcoming that she felt the need to stay closer to her than ever. 

Cosima pushed her down the mattress gently, climbing on top of her. The dominating look in her eyes made her speechless, mute, unable to say or argue about anything. Cosima didn’t look at her like a predator, she was dominating, but not possessive. She was passionate, but not rough. She was tender, and still raw. 

She let her eyes wonder on her body this time, she let herself look at the body in front of her. One stroke on her arm and her eyes darted back on Delphine’s. She sit up, wanting to feel Cosima’s lips again against her own. While one hand was busy steadying at the base of her jawline, she directed the other one to unhook her bra. When she felt the soft breasts against her own, she gasped shortly. 

Cosima smiled. “Nervous?” 

Delphine shook her head. “Enchanted.” 

Cosima stood up and took the last piece of garment off, remaining exposed and intimate in front of Delphine. As she pushed Delphine on her back again, she took her lingerie off as well. When she climbed on top of her and their bodies connected from head to toe, Delphine felt electrified once again from the warm frame against her. 

They eased into each other as they started kissing again, as their bodies pressed and parted with every breaths they took. They merged together, like their shapes were built to form one bigger piece. 

Everything from the way she felt to the way she moved proved Delphine further that Cosima is the one to complete her. She fit her in the best way, she knew when and what she would need without her vocalizing it. Cosima was right. 

As the shorter woman moved her lips to kiss her neck and her chest, Delphine carried her hands to Cosima’s back, feeling her tensed shoulder blades, her clenched biceps as she was supporting herself on either on Delphine’s sides. 

She did that thing Delphine did a couple of days ago, and it drove Delphine as crazy as it surely did to Cosima. Pushing her leg up until it met her groin, Delphine moaned loudly for the first time. Her hand was brought up to touch Delphine’s breast, while her mouth left trails of kisses and teeth marks. 

Delphine felt the nerves in her center bundle, eager, expectant, anticipating. But she already felt way above cloud nine; how could she not when it was Cosima who kissed her and who’s every touch drove her insane and left her wanting for more, for her to never leave this safe space they built? It was Cosima, the one she wanted more than anything, the one she dreamed about and never got tired of pleasing or simply hearing. Hearing her was her music; seeing her was the painting of a lifetime, greater than the Mona Lisa. 

When Cosima finally connected with her, it felt like nothing she’d ever experienced before and when she reached her climax it felt like she wanted to feel no one ever again besides the one invading all her senses, the one she was most vulnerable to. When she opened her eyes again, Cosima looked ethereal as ever, she looked as dynamic as Delphine felt. Her memory immediately took her back to the time they first danced together. That strenuous, vibrant energy was present again, it was the thing bringing them close. 

“You feel so good,” Cosima told her once their heartbeats calmed down, laying down on her side, still pressed to Delphine. She turned too, to face each other. Cosima grazed her cheek softly, her eyes smiling. 

Delphine smiled, but didn’t know what to say because Cosima was the one who was actually the satisfying one, anytime. 

Cosima turned around, looking at the clock on the nightstand. Delphine glanced too. 

00:10. 

Cosima turned back around. “Happy birthday, Delphine,” she told her, smiling and kissing her soothingly. She didn’t have a panicked attitude, as if she just remembered the date. The opposite, actually; she was so sure of it, that her confidence was measured by how kindly and lovingly she said the words. 

Delphine on the other side had truly forgotten. If Chelsea hadn’t mentioned it, she wouldn’t have even remembered it was her birthday at all, let alone this month. She had been so swallowed by work, by Chelsea, by Cosima that she had forgotten another year passed by like that. 

“Nothing goes past you, does it?” she asked rhetorically. “Thank you, ma chérie.” 

“How can I forget your birthday? How could anyone?” Cosima asked like it was the most obvious thing ever. 

“I never really put that much meaning into it. But now, here, I know how grateful I am for everything in my life.” 

“What do you mean?” A puzzled look was drawn on her expression. 

“I love you, Cosima,” she told her, without waiting. “You’re the best thing that’s happened to me in quite some time. You’re more than I deserve, and you’re someone anyone should get to learn something from. Your soul is unlike others I’ve fallen for, and it’s one that softens me most, anytime I look in your eyes. I see the love, I see the dedication and I can’t stop looking at you. I don’t want to stop. I love you, so much.” 

When she finished confessing, Cosima’s eyes were teared up, but just as she had just said, the love was bursting out of her gaze. 

She kissed her, and when she parted, Cosima whispered just as purposeful, “I love you back.” 

The 24 hours from the day had barely started, but Delphine knew this day would finally feel like her birthday. 


	17. A Birthday Like No Other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Delphine celebrates her first birthday with Cosima, and it'll be one she'll never forget.

In the morning of her birthday Delphine woke up wrapped around Cosima, still naked. Feeling the warmth and the safety of Cosima’s embrace, she felt like she didn’t even need to open her eyes, like what she felt was already enough. But she did anyway and realized it was even more worth it to see her. 

The dreadlocked woman was sleeping. Her expression was untroubled; Delphine could swear her mouth was still smiling a little, like it had stayed that way since last evening. The things this woman made her feel… they’d been through a rollercoaster of emotions in such little time. Delphine honestly didn’t know what more could there possibly be. 

Glancing outside the wide windows, she noticed the skies were white, which meant it was snowing. As silently as she could, she extracted herself from Cosima’s arms and travelled to the glass windows. 

As far as she could see, the land had been covered in the fluffy white matter, and the snow hadn’t stopped falling yet. The green pine trees had received white covering, while the cars’ shapes were barely visible. 

She smiled. She always loved it when they had a white Christmas. It made it more veridical, the way it’s supposed to be. 

The room wasn’t cold, but Cosima’s body was certainly warmer than the air. Looking behind her, the brunette was still sound asleep. 

She weighed her options; she could either go to the gym, or go swimming, to get some morning exercise, or she could go back to bed, read until Cosima would wake up. 

She climbed back in bed, ‘Anna Karenina’ in her hand. Cosima started moving, stretching unconsciously, and finally surrounding Delphine’s stomach with her arm. 

Delphine smiled, and as she looked down at her sleeping girl, she opened her book and started getting lost in the words again. 

She wouldn’t get in many pages, though, because Cosima woke up after about 15 minutes, turning until she would finally open her eyes. Delphine closed her book, caressing Cosima’s forehead. 

She opened her eyes, squinting at first. Truthfully, the white skies generated quite the light inside the room, almost as striking as the sun. 

“Bonjour, belle,” she told her. _(Hello, beautiful)_

Cosima smiled, then looked up at her. “But you’re prettier,” she argued. She clang to Delphine again, placing her head on her bare chest. “What do you want to do today?” she asked, caressing Delphine’s stomach. 

She wasn’t home. There was no party planned. She could spend her entire birthday with Cosima. She had no idea what more she could want. Being there was already a present. 

“I don’t really know…” 

“Well, how about,” Cosima started saying, turning her face to Delphine, “we go to the Niagara Falls? We take a room there, and we’ll go home tomorrow. The road is shorter that way. Plus we see the fall.” 

Delphine considered this. It was actually a pretty good idea. The Falls were beautiful in every season. 

She started smiling, and it widened as she thought about it more. “Let’s do it.” 

Cosima grinned and kissed her. 

“We can both come up with great, spontaneous ideas, I see,” Delphine stated, as she let her head drop back to the bed’s backrest. 

Cosima nodded, and her eyes glanced down to Delphine’s exposed neck. “I think I know how we can make it better,” she said, pushing herself up until her lips met Delphine’s flesh. 

She closed her eyes as Cosima left lingering kisses on her neck line, going up until she’d reach her lips again. She had barely started, but Delphine was already madly in need for more. It was like a drug. They’d done it once, but it already felt like a drug. 

Cosima wavered above her, their mouths separated only by Cosima’s intentions. She changed her mind as their lips brushed, attacking Delphine’s pulse point, right under her jawline. As her teeth dived in the sensible flesh, Delphine inhaled sharply, clenching Cosima’s forearm. 

Sucking at her other pulse point on her neck, Cosima led her hand to Delphine’s heated center. She had barely brushed her fingers against her groin when Delphine let out a low moan, pushing her pelvis against Cosima’s fingers. 

“Eager, aren’t you?” Cosima asked in her ear, but Delphine didn’t say anything. 

She took Cosima’s chin between her fingers, crashing their lips together. Cosima felt the need for more too, Delphine knew it. So she flipped them, now lying on top of Cosima. She didn’t really want to be teasing, not now. It wasn’t because they were hurrying, or because she was impatient. She knew Cosima needed attention too, she knew she deserved to get what Delphine made her feel. 

This would be different. Even though she felt tension between her own legs, she lowered herself on Cosima’s body, maintaining the skin-to-skin contact. She closed her mouth around Cosima’s nipple, while her hand slithered further down, until it met Cosima’s most sensitive part. 

Her teeth grazed her breasts, and her hand started dragging senseless shapes on her groin. Cosima dug her hands in Delphine’s thick hair, arching her back as the blonde’s hands got more courage to go further. 

As she inserted one finger, she kissed Cosima’s parted lips, feeling more and more roused. Their lips found each other easily, hungry for more. Tongues met faster, desperate to feel everything deeper. Even if their mouths were moving swiftly, Delphine kept a slow pace at first. 

“Faster,” she ordered. Delphine smiled, adding one more finger, enhancing her rhythm. Cosima found it, she matched their rhythm which seemed to be forever in sync. 

“Who’s eager now?” Delphine asked teasingly. Cosima smiled, biting her lip. 

Delphine was proved that Cosima’s touch was maddening. But being inside of her… it was completely different. She had the power, she could take this wherever, for how long she wished, she could take her higher than she’d imagined. She was in control, and she felt compelling. This was, undoubtedly, another high that this experience brought, not just when she was on the other side. 

She liked seeing Cosima’s face, her tightly shut eyes; gasping for air between the impassioned kisses, her chest was rising rapidly. She felt her muscles clench around her fingers, her pelvis moving against her hand, urging more contact. 

When she added her third finger, Cosima moaned even louder than before, but Delphine couldn’t care less about bothering neighbors. To her it was a mellifluous sound, something she’d listen on repeat. Her name spoken with a hoarse voice was urging her to move faster, without hesitancy. 

She’d done it before, but it never felt so delirious until now. As she clenched the bedsheets, Cosima reached her orgasm and Delphine felt it too, she felt Cosima’s high through her motions, through her expressions and it felt rewarding. 

Letting Cosima’s muscles relax, her breathing return to her normal one, she kissed her chest, her sternum, tenderly, her lips still enchanted by the way her skin felt under her touch. 

“That,” Cosima said, as she opened her eyes and looked in Delphine’s smiling ones, “was intense. Amazing. You are amazing.” 

Delphine had a feeling she didn’t make her feel like she felt the other night. She was unsatisfied. Cosima didn’t look like it, but Delphine felt like it. 

She made a mental note to change that. 

For now, she just smiled. She kissed her shortly one more time before getting out of bed. “We should get going,” she said. 

“Whatever you want, my birthday girl,” Cosima said, getting up too. “So, I say we get some breakfast downstairs and then we hit the road.” Delphine nodded. 

They packed their things, arranging the room as they found it. None of them liked to leave mess behind. 

At breakfast Cosima started asking all sorts of questions about her birthday, and Delphine was surprised that she didn’t feel as uncomfortable as she used to. 

“It’s not really… my thing. I’m not your usual excited girl for her birthday,” Delphine told her as they cut into their pancakes. 

“Why?” Cosima asked interested. 

“I don’t know… I guess I just never liked being the one everyone wanted to talk to or to be the soul of the party,” she confessed. “Don’t get me wrong, I was always very thankful for people thinking of me and making their time to visit me.” 

“But you never liked the excessive attention,” Cosima deduced. 

Delphine nodded, saying, “Exactly.” Thinking about it, she almost laughed. 

Cosima seemed to be the type who always liked to be around many people, to deal with as many guests as she could. To her it wouldn’t be tiring, it’d be the activeness, the hustle which fueled her. And she guessed it right. 

“I’ve always loved my birthday parties,” she said. “Ever since I was a kid. I loved having all my friends there, talking to all of them, sharing myself for everyone. To me it isn’t exhausting. It’s nourishing.” 

Delphine nodded and smiled, because even if she couldn’t relate, she could understand. 

After they had eaten their breakfast and said their goodbyes to the staff, thanking them again, they got into the car and started driving to the Niagara Falls. 

“No arguing, I’m driving,” Cosima said, without giving Delphine much of a chance to get in the driver’s seat. So she rode shotgun. 

“It’s your birthday. You relax and watch me drive,” she told her. 

Delphine could do that. She would look at her because what more would she want? 

They had 8 hours to spend on the road. This time it would be Delphine who would search for the accommodation. 

“I’m kind of sad I don’t get to search for it this time,” Cosima joked, as she switched lanes to get on the Highway. 

“I hope you trust me to find something as satisfying as you what you found,” Delphine said, scrolling through options. “Good part is that they pretty much all have a view to the fall. Oh, it’s so beautiful. I can’t wait to get there.” 

“Me too. And the good part is… it looks awesome in any season,” Cosima told her, peaking at the screen. 

It was still snowing, though not as abundantly, Cosima wasn’t worried about these driving conditions; neither of them were. There were hardly ever any troubles on the roads. 

As they were talking about the falls and various things they’d heard of it, Chelsea called. 

“Allô?” Delphine answered. 

“Bon anniversaire, mon amie!” the British woman greeted. 

“Merci, merci, Chelsea. How are you?” she asked, grinning. She put her on speaker again. 

“I’m doing very well. Today was my first work day back,” she said, and Delphine could hear the pride and joy in her voice. 

“Congratulations! How was it? Did you have any trouble?” 

“No, not at all. I did some charting, thinking about you. I also treated some of my older patients who came in for consults. Apparently they had looked for me while I was recovering. Anyway, it was pretty cool to be back.” 

“I’m glad it was good. You deserved to go back already. The hospital needed you, I bet.” 

“I’m sure everyone missed me secretly. Is Cosima there?” she asked. 

“Right here, buddy. Really happy to hear that you’re back working,” she told her, glancing at Delphine who was still smiling joyously. 

“Thank you, guys. And you? How’s the love trip going? Have you visited any… new places? If you know what I’m saying...” Chelsea said and Cosima giggled. 

“We actually have, dear Chelsea. Twice,” she told her and Chelsea started cheering at the other end of the line. 

Delphine felt her cheeks hot again. She looked out the window. 

“Feeling ecstatic, I suppose?” 

“Very,” Cosima replied, taking Delphine’s hand with her free one. 

“Well, I’m happy everything’s going well with you guys. I like you together,” she said, getting a bit more serious. 

The two looked at each other, completely agreeing with Chelsea. 

“I won’t keep you for longer. I just have one more question; when do you arrive home tomorrow?” 

“Well, I think we’ll head out to see the falls in the morning light too, and then I think we can get going, no?” Delphine asked Cosima. 

“Yeah, that’s the plan. Which means we’ll be home by 5 or 6.” 

“And if Delphine drives that’s a 7?” Chelsea asked. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Delphine shot back, confused. 

“Well, you usually drive… slower. Maybe even slower than the accepted limit,” her friend admitted and Cosima had to contain her laugh. 

Delphine, offended, gave Cosima’s arm a playful punch. 

“I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chelsea,” Cosima tried defending Delphine, but her tone kind of gave her in. 

“Oh, really?” Chelsea asked. 

“Yeah, on the way here she actually drove a little past the limit,” Cosima told her, and she could really just sense Delphine getting angrier. “But, at least we arrived safely and on time, rather than sooner and damaged, right babe?” she looked at Delphine. 

“I can’t decide which part you’re on, Niehaus,” Chelsea asked through the phone. 

“Neither can I,” Delphine added. 

“I’m on no one’s part,” she said, shutting them both. 

Chelsea spoke after a few moments. “Alright then, it seems like I’ve lost this battle. Call me when you enter Montréal, please. I have a little surprise for you,” she told them. 

“You know I hate surprises,” Delphine argued. 

“I know, but this isn’t something off the charts. Just call me, okay?” 

“Will do,” Cosima said. 

“Have a good time, ladies.” 

They both smiled after ending the call. 

“She’s always full of surprises,” Delphine said, contemplating. 

“Since you have a smile on your face I suppose they weren’t the worst kind,” Cosima presumed. 

“No, no, they weren’t.” 

“Tell me one,” Cosima asked, grazing her hand softly. 

Delphine started telling her about this one time she failed an exam; she was crushed. Defeated. She always took her exams. There were rarely a few she didn’t ace. But she never, ever failed them. Chelsea hated seeing her like that. _This face doesn’t fit you,_ she told her. So, after pushing and pulling for two days, Delphine finally agreed to go out for dinner and movie with Chelsea, agreeing she’d let her get back to her studies the next day. Chelsea still thought she needed a day or two without any school, but at least she had managed to get her out of their room. 

_“This is what you’re wearing, then?” she asked her when they were leaving._

_She looked down at her plain red t-shirt and her black leather jacket. “What’s wrong with this?”_

_“Nothing at all. You look hot, Cormier,” she complimented her. “Ready to unwind a little?”_

When they had arrived at the restaurant Chelsea had booked, Delphine remained perplexed. Three of her best high school friends were there, waiting for them to arrive. Even if Chelsea could be called her best friend, the three people waiting for her had meant a lot to her in the high school days. 

That evening she had forgotten about that damn exam, the previous days she lost grieving over the grade. Her friends filled her with positive energy, pleasant memories and intriguing stories. They all told her how they’ve been, how college was and how their life had been progressing. She didn’t really keep in touch with them because the time they had to socialize had started to shrink; for all of them. But those few hours they were together they managed to catch up and Chelsea took Delphine home feeling happy. They both were happy. 

“That was really nice of her to do,” Cosima told her, after listening her story. “It just proves the type of a person she is.” 

Delphine smiled, thinking back at that gesture. It was more than just kind or thoughtful, it was truly caring and considerate, the person Chelsea really was. People didn’t see that quality in her at first sight, but Delphine didn’t consider it a bad thing. This way she’d keep her kindness for the people that mattered to her most. 

“You know, I’m kind of sorry this is how you have to spend your birthday,” Cosima said a couple of hours later. 

“You mean by spending them with you?” Delphine asked, confused. 

“No, silly, I mean by sitting in the car for several hours.” 

“But at least I’ll get a gorgeous view at the end of the day,” she told her. “Well, two gorgeous views, but I’m already getting my time with the first one,” she added cheekily. 

Cosima took her eyes off the highway to shoot her an infatuated look. “Babe…” She kissed the back of her hand, glancing back to look at her occasionally, when no car needed exceeding. 

Delphine really hadn’t thought about the whole time lost in the car thing. It wasn’t bothering her, especially when they would arrive to see something visually breathtaking. 

And again, it was simply the day in which she aged one more year. She already talked to Chelsea, she was with Cosima, the other really important people in her life were- were her parents… 

Straightening in her seat, furrowing her brow, she realized her parents hadn’t called her yet. They always called her first thing in the morning on her birthday. 

An unpleasant rush of worry and anxiety came over her. Retreating her hand from Cosima’s grip, she called her mom, using both hands to form the number. She saw with the corner of her eye that Cosima was looking at her, but by the time she would say something Delphine already spoke. 

She picked up after a few rings. “Maman?” 

“Hello, dear! How are you?” her mom asked back with a relaxed, even happy voice. She was breathing rather heavily. 

“I’m good. What’s going on with you guys?” She still didn’t know what to think. 

“Oh, we’re just… gardening,” she replied. Something was off. 

“Gardening? In the winter?” 

She heard Cosima giggle. 

“It’s the, uhm… inside garden. You know, the one with the tomatoes and lavender,” she continued, and Delphine heard her tone go weird, as if she was on the verge of laughing. And someone did, on the other line. But not her mom. It was a man’s laugh. 

Her dad’s. 

She quickly put the hints together. The heavy breathing, the lies, the failed attempts to not laugh… 

“Oh, mom, really? Well, okay then,” she said, shaking off images from her head. 

“Is there something wrong, darling?” she asked a moment later, with a more serious voice. 

“No, everything’s fine. You just… you usually call me quite early on this day, and I started worrying,” she said. 

There were a couple of seconds of silence at the other end of the line. “Oh, sweetie… it’s your birthday! We didn’t forget, we were just a little… busy,” she told her. 

“I heard. Well, anyway, I didn’t call to remind you, I was just genuinely worried.” 

“I’m sorry we concerned you… but everything’s fine. Really fine, actually,” she explained. 

“I’m sure it is,” she said, but decided to quit the embarrassed daughter act. She had been worried after all. “I’m glad you’re both good.” 

“And you darling? How’s your birthday going? Any action?” She must have felt really frisky. Her mother didn’t usually talk like this on a daily basis. 

“Mom!” 

“Well, it just feels adequate to ask you too since I’ve had a very good morning because of it. Besides, it’s your birthday, so you deserve it ten times more,” she replied and Delphine could read the honesty on her voice. She still felt her cheeks hot. 

She didn’t say anything for a moment. She hadn’t even told her parents about Cosima yet. How strange it felt to do it now, after a certain amount of time has passed. Not to mention that they talked a few times a week. 

“I am getting it, actually,” she said and finally looked back at Cosima who’s been confused, yet amused this whole time. Delphine smiled, but Cosima’s eyes widened. 

“You are?” her mother asked and she was surprised; pleasantly surprised. “Who’s the lucky person?” 

“Her name is Cosima,” she told her. “We’ve actually been on this trip to see the lakes for the past three days.” 

“Oh, the lakes… that’s beautiful. And this Cosima… is she… your girlfriend?” she asked, a bit hesitantly. 

She had come out to them some time after she did to Chelsea. They weren’t jumping up and down with excitement, decorating the house with pride flags or rainbows, but they accepted her nonetheless. They were aware that she was their daughter, still the one they grew so beautifully, that she wouldn’t change because that’s what they wanted. They knew she’d keep on living her life no matter what, and they weren’t ready to give her up just because she loved the other gender too. 

Delphine was aware how lucky she got with her loving parents and friends. She knew others had it worse, and she was grateful every day that she wasn’t alone. That she had a shoulder to cry on when things got bad. 

“And how is she? Describe her to me,” she asked her. 

Delphine smiled, looking down at her hand, intertwined with Cosima’s again. “She’s curious… truly unique. She’s working at the hospital as a gynecologist and she loves the colour red. She has glasses and a very beautiful face. She has a laugh and a smile which you can’t resist. Her eyes shine in every moment of the day and I could go on forever, but the point is that… she’s a keeper.” 

“Well… that’s beautiful, darling,” her mother replied and Delphine could swear she heard her voice quivered. 

“Yeah… she is,” she replied. 

“Can she drive?” she heard her dad ask in the background. 

She chuckled. “She can, dad. Very well; she’s doing it as we speak.” 

“Well then… we’d like to meet her one day,” he said, his tone severe. As it always was. 

“That can be arranged.” 

After she hung up, Cosima pulled in a parking place. 

Looking back at her, she noticed Cosima’s eyes were glassy; tears ready to fall from the kind hazel eyes. 

She wanted to ask what was wrong, but by the time the words should have left her tongue, her face was cupped, her lips lovingly kissed. 

When they parted, Delphine smiled, but Cosima told her, “No one has ever spoken so beautifully to or about me.” 

Beautifully? Delphine had just described how Cosima was at a first thought to her. She didn’t even try to make it sound fantastically intriguing or loving, that’s just how it came to her. 

“Well, then they wasted your time,” Delphine said bluntly. “I promise to make ours entirely worthwhile.” 

Cosima leaned in again, and Delphine smiled against her lips. 

In the few hours that they had left from the road Delphine managed to book a room in a hotel close to the falls; as most of them were in that area. 

And after singing a few songs at the top of their lungs, with the volume turned to maximum, Delphine dozed off for a bit. The space was warmed up, not excessively, and to Cosima’s quiet humming she drifted off to a short nap. 

Well, at least she thought it had been short. 

When she opened her eyes again, the sun had gone down and the roads were now illuminated. 

“Hello there, sleeping beauty,” Cosima said, chuckling when Delphine shot her an irritated look. 

“I’m no princess,” she told her, rubbing her eyes. 

“You sure looked like one,” she continued and Delphine pushed her shoulder playfully. 

“Where are we?” Delphine asked, looking out the window. 

“Just a few more miles,” she informed her. 

A few minutes later they arrived on the hotel’s street, going through the whole number searching process again. 

What really interested Delphine was the view, whether it was as the pictures showed or not. So when they unlocked their assigned room, Cosima gazed at its interior, while Delphine shot for the window. 

The interior décor was truly nice, even classy. There weren’t many things besides another king-sized bed, a closet and a table with three chairs. But the view… that was one that could keep Delphine up all night. Their room was placed so that they could see the angle in which the water fell, creating that gorgeous white waterfall. It was like a curtain, covering the rocks and the edge of the cliff. 

“Can we head out now?” she asked excitedly, turning back to Cosima who was inspecting the bathroom. 

“Sure we can,” she replied, extending her hand. 

-.-.-.- 

“You should have expected to get a little wet,” Delphine told her, as they were heading back to their room. 

“I know, I know. But I hate it when my hair gets it,” Cosima complained again, holding an end of a dread between her fingers. 

“Understandable,” Delphine nodded. Locking the door, she turned, taking off her jacket. 

“Though I do know how I would feel better,” Cosima said and got that look in her eyes Delphine already loved. 

Smiling, Delphine played the role of the innocent. “Oh yeah? What?” 

She approached Delphine and leaning in, she whispered in her ear with that tone she knew Delphine couldn’t think straight after hearing. “Being inside of you.” 

Delphine tried to control her voice. “That does sound like it’d improve your mood… but I do have to shower…” 

Cosima tilted her head. “I don’t see the problem.” 

“Good,” Delphine said, kissing her lazily. “Take me, then.” 


	18. Open Up To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Delphine finally lets Cosima inside her past for a bit... but that bit is one of the most important ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is still enjoying reading this piece! And as always, thank you so much for the kudos and the support, it means the world <3

“Are you going to come back?” Cosima asked from behind Delphine, wrapped between the sheets. 

Delphine had been sitting in front of the window, gazing at the waterfall. She couldn’t help it. The view was astounding. They had mounted plenty of colorful lights, so that at night they would light the water. As it shone through it, the wet matter received a glassy, colorful aspect. Truly, it could take your attention away as soon as you’ve laid eyes on the view. It looked as wondrous as a painting; except it was real. 

“I am, I am,” she replied. “But it’s certainly something worth looking at.” 

She made her way back to the bed, dressed only with a t-shirt and underwear. 

“You look very good in oversized clothes,” Cosima acknowledged, her eyes wondering on Delphine’s body. “You look good in general.” 

Delphine chuckled. “I try. So, I was thinking… shouldn’t we invite our parents for Christmas? How do you do Christmas? Do you celebrate it?” 

“Oh, yes, we do,” she replied, sitting up. The flimsy bedsheet dropped from her shoulders, but still covering her chest. The excitement was clearly growing on her face already. “Our house always looks like a Christmas parade. I always go home for the holidays. We cook food, decorate every possible corner and we spend time together. I love it a lot.” 

Delphine smiled as she listened to her girlfriend’s habits. “We usually keep it a bit more discrete, but it’s a big event for us too. Or at least it used to be,” she replied at Cosima’s curiosity. “I kind of missed it in the last couple of years.” 

“How so?” 

“I was on-call. It just so happened. So, I spent those evenings with Chelsea in the ER. She isn’t in best terms with her family either. It was good enough for us. At least we had each other, you know?” 

Cosima nodded. She opened her mouth, as if to say a response, but she was hesitant. “I know I’m not exactly in a position to ask, but… did ever anything happen between you two? Like romantically?” 

“No,” she denied. She wasn’t offended or weirded out. “I never had any thoughts like that about her. We’re really like sisters. Since the beginning we’ve been helping each other that way.” 

Cosima nodded again, understanding. 

“And now I can’t think of anyone besides you when it comes to it,” she said, dragging herself closer to Cosima. “You completely dominate my thoughts.” 

Cosima smiled, her head tilted to her right side. Their lips touched, keeping them glued together. 

“So… Christmas?” Delphine asked again, minutes later. 

Cosima was playing with her hands. “I’d love spending Christmas with you. But I have to admit… I’m a little anxious about meeting your parents. I know it’s silly, but… they’re your parents. They either accept me or they don’t.” 

Delphine looked up from their hands to meet her gaze. “I love you. They better do too. Besides, they really have no reason to not like you. Even if you do have a criminal record, I suppose I would’ve found out by now if I wanted to. But I have a feeling you’re trustworthy.” 

“I suppose,” she chuckled. “And you want my parents there too?” 

“Of course,” she replied. “I think it’d be nice as a first Christmas. It’s sort of a… getting to know everyone, you know?” 

“I would be nice, yeah.” 

“It’s settled then. We’ll call everybody on our way home tonight. Do your parents know about me?” she asked. 

“They do. And I think they couldn’t love you more,” Cosima admitted, getting up to fill a glass of water. 

“How much have you told them about me exactly?” 

“Not everything, but enough for them to see why you’re a good one.” 

Delphine smiled, lying down on the mattress. She glanced at her watch; 1 AM. She felt like she would talk something deeper with Cosima; something more serious. Midnight conversations. 

Cosima lay back down next to her. She took Delphine’s hand, playing with her fingers again. This seemed to be something she liked to do. She ran her thumb gently over the red skin on Delphine’s fingers; they had been healing. They really have been now. She wasn’t anxious or angry or saddened by anything; not at the moment. 

Examining the wounds subtly, Cosima sighed even more subtly. 

“My rock bottom was in the fourth year of college,” Delphine told her suddenly. Cosima furrowed her brow. “With the self-harm, I mean.” She then nodded, understanding. Cosima didn’t say anything, giving Delphine all the time to say whatever she needed to. 

“A lot of things gathered, more than I could carry. I didn’t know what else to do. I felt like there was no other option, but let my frustrations out through… wounding my body.” 

She felt like she couldn’t go on without crying, without reliving everything she felt in those moments. But she also needed to say these things to Cosima, she needed to let her in her past in order for Cosima to truly know her. She wanted to. 

“I might have been weak for recurring to actions like these, but… it was a way of… breathing again.” Her lungs felt heavy. “Anyway, I went home after my lectures and I was alone. Chelsea wasn’t home. I didn’t waver. In the end it was obvious.” She wasn’t looking at Cosima. Her eyes were fixed on anything but her lover, as if she was ashamed of meeting her gaze. “I took my blade and I let the water gather in the bathtub. I, uhm…” Her voice started quivering and her brow furrowed. “I slit my left wrist. Before I could cut into my right hand, Chelsea barged in the bathroom.” Her eyes darted up to meet Cosima’s. “She stopped me. She helped me get back on my feet.” She remembered how she felt when Chelsea found her, the way she looked at her. “She’s the reason I’m here. She didn’t just stop me, she saved me.” 

Silence followed. None of them spoke. Cosima was letting her words sink in, Delphine was reliving the terrifying moments without crashing. For the first time since that day, she thought back and she didn’t crash. She came through. 

Delphine finally felt like her rock bottom was parallel to her. She was looking at it, she was looking in its eyes and she didn’t fall to her knees anymore. 

Cosima looked at her. “Delphine, you’re not weak. No one is weak for doing something like this. It’s not weak to be at rock bottom and see no other solution but to end everything. I actually see it as something brave. It’s brave to have the guts to cut into your flesh, to do it consciously and not back out. The fact that Chelsea came in last minute is a side detail to the story. The fact that something made you pick up the blade and even give you the thought to end your life is reason enough to see that we never know what’s going on inside someone’s head. No one is guilty. No one can really know how one feels unless they talk. And if they don’t… maybe they didn’t have a choice, maybe they couldn’t find the words, maybe they didn’t have the person to talk to… That certainly doesn’t make them weak or helpless. It doesn’t make you weak or helpless. When you see your scars, look back at the road you’ve traveled. See how much stronger you are now. And remember Chelsea as the person who showed you why living is worth.” 

“Now you see why she’s more than just a friend,” she told her after a while. “Why she’s such a big part of my life.” 

When they got under the blanket at last, the only light turned on was the one from the nightstand. The falls’ colorfulness peeked in through the window, giving the room a complementary shade. 

Delphine pushed herself between Cosima’s arms, taking her hands close to her heart. 

Kissing the soft skin behind her ear, Cosima spoke with a hushed, serene voice. “Thank you for telling me. For letting me inside your past, inside an important part of it.” 

“Thank you for listening and not judging,” Delphine said in return. 

“How could anyone ever judge?” 

Turning her head, they kissed. 

“I love you,” Delphine whispered. 

-.-.-.- 

The next day they decided to visit the Falls one more time, this time having the morning sunlight shine, the water forming the glimmer in all its forms. While it was falling, when it crashed and when it formed small waves, at all times it formed spectacular sceneries. 

“I think it would seem natural to get you home since I brought you here, wouldn’t it?” Delphine told her when they were packing the car, in response to Cosima’s request to drive the car home. 

“What you’re saying is you didn’t like my driving?” Cosima asked. 

_Like a child,_ Delphine thought, rolling her eyes. 

“We have to call Chelsea,” Cosima said as they were leaving the hotel parking. “She told us to let her know when we left.” 

“Can you dial her number please?” she requested. 

In a few moments the British accent filled the car’s loudspeakers. 

“What exactly are you planning?” Delphine asked, trying to get some hints. “I just want to know if I have to prepare for sky diving or paintball. Any daring activities which you seem to love,” she added. 

“I’ve done sky diving once and I still regret you weren’t there,” Chelsea said. 

“You missed a chance to go sky diving?” Cosima asked, almost outraged. 

“It’s too extreme for me, okay? Maybe you two can go one day, you seem to be pretty excited,” Delphine told her. 

“Yeah, I’ll take Niehaus,” Chelsea said, sounding like she was buying the tickets already. 

“So, going back to the subject,” Delphine said, trying to steer the conversation back on its original track. 

“Right… you don’t have to worry. It’s nothing special. Just roll your asses here as soon as you’ve entered town.” 

“Alright,” Cosima said. “Thank you in advance for whatever you’re planning.” 

“No, no, don’t flatter her yet,” Delphine warned her. 

“Shut your mouth and get home safely, Cormier,” Chelsea told her. 

Chelsea’s surprise had actually been a really kind one. By the time they passed the ‘Montréal’ sign, snow had been falling abundantly. Delphine wasn’t anxious to drive on this weather, but she admitted she had had other, more peaceful times to come home in. 

“Shouldn’t we buy something? As a ‘thank you’ for whatever we’re going to get?” Cosima proposed. 

“We could get her some wine. Though Chelsea always has back-up bottles for any type of events.” 

“It’s not about the gift itself and you know it. Pull in a Target,” she told her and Delphine did so. 

That wine they brought was the perfect gift for the host; Chelsea had prepared them a perfectly thought out dinner. As if she knew the conditions they’d be getting home in, she made them a warm, consistent dinner. The Chardonnay went just well with the roasted chicken they served. 

“I never knew broccoli crème soup could be so good,” Cosima said, as they helped her take the first course dishes back in the kitchen. “You should give us the recipe.” 

“I’ll just call you over whenever you’re in the mood for it,” Chelsea offered. “But I still need you guys to tell me details of your romantic and visually breathtaking trip.” 

“It was just as you put it, my darling,” Delphine told her, taking the clean plates to the dining room. “We saw beautiful places, we spent quality time together, we created some really nice memories.” 

Chelsea looked at her somewhat disappointed, as if she had been expecting more. 

“We had great sex,” Cosima told Chelsea, coming from behind. 

Chelsea’s face lit up, smiling widely. “That’s the truth right there!” she said, pointing towards Cosima. 

Delphine shook her head, laughing. 

“What did you do?” Cosima asked. 

“I went shopping every day, I went working and I read,” she said, looking back at Delphine, obviously proud of that last part. 

Delphine was too. “Really? What is it that you read?” 

“I may not have the huge ass library you do, but I still have a few books of my own which date back to my early teen years.” She showed Cosima her collection of books placed on oak wood shelves, on her living room walls. 

“You should take a trip with us at our special library,” Cosima told her. “It’s sort of our place.” 

“Sounds intriguing. Another story I must find out once,” Chelsea stated. 

While they savoured the desert, Chelsea filled them in with the latest news from work, what kind of cases have been coming in and how the new interns were handled. Glancing out the window, she interrupted her story-telling. 

“You guys, it’s still snowing abundantly. And it’s pretty late,” she added, looking at her clock. “Shouldn’t you spend your night here?” 

“The weather’s not a problem,” Delphine said. She didn’t mind driving in such conditions; though that snow didn’t seem to have any plans on slowing it down. 

“You did drink,” Chelsea pushed. 

“Not me, I just toasted,” Delphine said matter-of-factly. 

“It wouldn’t be the worst to hang here until tomorrow morning, if Chelsea wants us to. We’re going to work anyway,” Cosima admitted. 

Delphine weighed the thought. 

“I don’t mind if you want to have sex, so that’s a question off the table,” Chelsea told them and she visibly held her grin away from Delphine. Cosima didn’t. 

The blonde closed her eyes, sighing. She couldn’t fight this. 

“Or we can continue to have insightful discussion as we always do,” Chelsea suggested a different activity which didn’t make Delphine want to crawl under the table. 

“Your insightful discussions last all night,” she told Chelsea. She sounded like she was complaining. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll put you to bed,” Chelsea promised her facetiously. 

They didn’t stay up late. After a few longer talks and some more glasses of wine, Chelsea transformed the Tuxedo couch into a bed, giving them sheets. 

“I really don’t have a problem with said sex, by the way,” she told them and she seemed rather serious, as serious as Chelsea could get on such topics. 

“Good night, Chelsea,” Delphine told her. “It’s like she’s obsessed with my sex life,” she said after she was left alone with Cosima. 

“She just wants you to feel good,” she replied. “Besides, it’s no lie you would deserve that. You’ve been a good girl today, getting us home safely,” Cosima said, pulling her by the sweater towards her. 

Capturing her lips between her own, Delphine eased into the touch, admitting pleasure wouldn’t be the worst thing they could share. 

“But I kind of want to hold you tonight,” Delphine told her finally. 

Cosima gave her a sweet smile. “Anything you want.” 

And so they did. They held each other’s bodies until the sun rose again and the alarm gave them the dreaded feeling of leaving the warm and safe place. 

-.-.-.- 

On her first day back at work after the eventful vacation, Delphine was welcomed with a familiar face in the ER. Looking up from some charts, she saw Valentina Rodriguez sitting on a bed, holding her baby girl, rocking her gently. 

One of her first cases she worked on with Cosima, Delphine remembered the arduous night in which they handed two births. 

“Valentina, hello,” she said and worried nonetheless for their appearance. One, maybe two months passed since she gave birth. “What’s going on?” she proceeded to ask, approaching them. 

The Spanish woman spoke with a calm, yet clutched voice. “She is showing all these symptoms, and it’s most probably just the flu. But I was still worried, she’s not even two months old.” 

“Even if it is just the flu, you did very well coming in,” Delphine told her. “Come on, let’s get her checked up.” 

She picked little Aurora up so that her mother could take care of the bags she carried. “When did the symptoms start?” she asked, feeling the baby’s skin quite hot. The baby let her head rest on Delphine’s shoulder, seemingly tired. 

“About three days ago,” Valentina answered. “We went out for a walk. It was snowing, but I dressed her up and she wasn’t exposed at all.” 

“Does anyone else in your family suffer from any kind of a cold at the moment?” she asked further. 

“Yes, my older son. He got it from school, I think. But he’s been fighting with it for a week now and it’s starting to draw back.” 

“Okay, let’s see what the problem is, Aurora,” Delphine said, placing the drowsy baby on a bed. 

Starting with taking her temperature, she continued to ask Valentina various questions in order to get a better view of the problem. 

“Did she show any type of problems after her birth?” 

“No, none, until this,” she answered, holding the tiny hand in her own. 

Checking her breathing, she asked, “Did she cough?” 

“Yes, a very dry cough. She had a sore throat too.” 

“Any changes in her usual routine?” 

“She didn’t get much sleep. She kept waking up, crying. I can’t say she had her biggest appetite, but she ate when she needed to.” 

Delphine nodded. The thermometer read a 38, 5 ˚C. 

“She has a pretty high fever, so that adds to the list of symptoms,” she said and sat down on a chair in front of them. “This doesn’t look like anything threatening: it’s just a regular cold. Of course, being only a newborn, your red flags waved a lot faster than they probably did with your son. I’ll recommend you some medicine, and to keep her inside until she gets well. Also, she shouldn’t come in contact with others besides you after you get home. It’ll help her get better and prevent others from getting the cold. You personally should take some vitamins in order to avoid the illness yourself.” 

Valentina nodded and sighed in utter relief. “I’m so happy it’s not something worse. I kept picturing stupid scenarios.” 

“That’s understandable,” Delphine reassured her. “Every mother does it.” Writing down the recommended medicine, she handed her the paper. Aurora was now sleeping in her mother’s arms. “Remember what I told you and if anything else comes up, if there are any alterations in her state, call me.” 

Standing up, she helped Valentina tuck Aurora in her transportable seat. “And once again, Valentina, you did really good coming in. Never hesitate when it comes to health. Things like this should never go unnoticed.” 

“Thank you, dr. Cormier,” she told her. 

Delphine had only treated her these two times, but she still felt like they had a different bonding. Like that night had bonded everyone. 

Noticing the Christmas ornaments all around the hospital, she remembered it was the 23rd. She still hadn’t invited her parents to the dinner party they were going to throw. Letting the phone ring, she opened the files for the patients she had to see. 

“Hello?” her mother’s buoyant answered. 

“Bonjour, maman,” she greeted in return. “How are you doing?” 

“Not much, dear, just gardening.” 

“Oh, again?” she replied, exasperated. 

“I really am gardening this time. The weather is just gorgeous, I had to take advantage,” she replied. “And you? Are you and Cosima back to work?” 

“Yes, today’s our first day back. Listen, I know it’s pretty late to ask, but we wanted to know if you would join us and Chelsea for a Christmas dinner tomorrow.” 

“We would love to go,” she said almost instantly. “Your father and I have been wondering about this Cosima of yours. We really want to meet her.” 

“I’m glad you do. I think her parents will be able to join us too,” she said and prayed to God this wouldn’t be too much on them. They were usually very sociable, but sometimes they could be overwhelmed with so much new information. She really wanted this meeting to be right; she was meeting Cosima’s parents for the first time, after all. She was already anxious enough. 

There was a little pause and Delphine felt every millisecond of it passing. “I don’t think that would be a problem. It would be quite… good to get to know everyone.” 

“That’s what I thought too,” she said and noticed Chelsea coming in the lounge. “I have to go, but we’ll be waiting for you tomorrow, then.” 

“All right, dear. Thank you for the invitation.” 

“I love you.” 

“Bye-bye,” her mother said abruptly, hanging up. 

Delphine retreated her phone from her ear, her brows furrowed. “Who says ‘bye’ to ’I love you’?” 

Chelsea laughed, sitting down next to her. “Many people, actually.” 

“Well, I invited my parents for Christmas. I haven’t been with them on this holiday for a long time now. Cosima invited her parents too.” 

Chelsea nodded. Delphine saw it she knew this was an uneasy subject for her. It would always be. 

“We’re having the dinner at my place. You do know you have to come earlier to help us, right?” she said, taking her arm. 

“Of course,” she replied and she tried to smile. 

“We can call them, if you wish,” Delphine offered after a moment. 

Chelsea shook her head. “They would be out of place. I mean with Cosima’s parents and yours there, everybody meeting everybody… I don’t even know if I have a place there, to be honest.” 

“I will just ignore what you just said,” Delphine replied, continuing to order her charts. 

“No, I’m not joking, I don’t-“ 

“Chelsea,” she cut her off, looking back at her. “You think back at college and remember everything you’ve done for me. Remember that my parents consider you their second daughter and they would not accept you not being there. I will not accept you not being there. You’re part of my family. You have a very well-established place,” she told her. 

Chelsea was quiet, following Delphine’s words. She nodded at last. Delphine knew she accepted these things slowly. She hated being in a wrong place. 

“I’ll meet you for lunch,” Delphine told her, when she stood up to head out to the rest of her patients. “We have to discuss about tomorrow.” 

-.-.-.- 

Both Chelsea and Cosima met her for lunch a few hours later. Cosima apparently had contacted her parents about the Christmas visit for a longer time now; they would have come to spend time with their daughter either way. 

“So, you would just introduce them to whomever your girlfriend would be?” Chelsea asked. 

“Well, they already met Shay, and they already knew about Delphine from the first case we worked on together,” Cosima replied. 

“Not to seem rude, but do you tell them everything that happens in your life?” Chelsea asked. 

“Only the things that matter most to me.” When both Delphine and Chelsea looked at her, she continued. “They wanted to know more and more about you.” 

Delphine smiled. 

“How did they like Shay?” Chelsea asked. 

“They didn’t really… They never told me why,” Cosima said and ate her sandwich. 

Both women nodded in sync. 

They continued to talk about what they will prepare and what kind of ingredients and utensils they would need. 

“Cosima, we can’t make broccoli crème on Christmas Eve,” Delphine argued. 

“Why not? If the girl really likes it,” Chelsea jumped in. 

“You just ate that yesterday,” Delphine continued. 

“I don’t see anything wrong with that. We don’t have to be traditional all the way,” Cosima told her, determined to get what she wanted. 

Delphine shook her head in defeat. What was worth to see Cosima happy, so she agreed to it. 

When at the end of the day they got back in her car, she acknowledged she had missed work. 

“Me too, quite frankly,” Cosima said. “I do love my job.” 

“I bet you missed charting,” Chelsea said from the back seat. 

They all laughed, but Delphine had to agree on that one too. Without explaining again why she loved it, she just agreed to the truth. 

After dropping Chelsea off at her house, Delphine told Cosima all about Valentina’s visit. 

“Oh, baby Aurora,” Cosima said, remembering. “Was she really sick?” 

“Just a regular cold. But I prescribed her some medicine. Valentina was quite worried, and understandably.” 

As she stopped at a red light, Delphine smiled. “After that I just started thinking about the cases we’ve worked on, only a few weeks ago.” 

“It feels so far away,” Cosima said, mirroring her thoughts. 

“It does, strangely. I feel like we’ve been through much since then.” 

“We have been, in a way. It was just a small period of time,” Cosima said. 

Pulling in her block of flats’ parking lot, Delphine said, “I feel like they brought us closer, somehow. I mean maybe without them we wouldn’t even have been together right now. It obviously gave us more history together.” 

Cosima nodded. “We have to be grateful for some successful sex and a few determined women.” 

Delphine laughed, looking at Cosima. 

Cosima’s boxes greeted them as soon as they entered the apartment. 

Grunting, she said, “Gosh, I hate these boxes. They really start to get in my way and on my nerves. I wish they would just go away.” 

Delphine realized this was the moment. This was the moment to ask that question. 

It didn’t feel rushed anymore; it felt the right thing to do. 

She didn’t need any more waiting. 

“Then make them go away,” she said and Cosima turned to her, looking confused. “Move in with me, Cosima. I’ve already lived knowing what it felt like to want you next to me and you not being here. I don’t want that anymore. There’s no point in us living apart. If we want to be truly together, let’s make it happen.” 

Cosima’s smile grew, giving Delphine the view which she was sure she wanted to wake up to every possible morning. 

Bringing their lips together, Cosima said, “I think we might need to… inaugurate this place the proper way.” She continued to smile as she freed Delphine from her jacket and blouse. 

“I have to agree,” Delphine replied, kissing her again. “Even though I technically have been living here for a few years already.” 

“I haven’t,” Cosima argued and Delphine agreed. 

“Where should we start?” 

“I don’t know… how about…” Cosima persuaded to take her own top off, saying, “… right here… against this wall?” she asked and didn’t particularly wait for an answer. 

Unbuttoning her pants, she let her mouth waver on Delphine’s neck and the blonde kept thinking just how good it felt to finally be home. 


	19. A Shared Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Delphine, Cosima and Chelsea get to spend Christmas together with their families. Quite a different Christmas for everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to wish everyone happy holidays, and I hope you get to spend these days happily, surrounded by people you love. I also hope this chapter provides some Christmassy feels, something that matches the holiday's vibe. 
> 
> Again, thank you for your incredible support, I love you, and once more, happy holidays! <3

Delphine had never seen someone so excited for Christmas until she met Cosima. She admitted it herself, she was a sucker for the holiday. Delphine understood her passion and completed it with her own joy. She always decorated her house so that at the end it looked like a Christmas festival. It wasn’t excessive, no big, eye-striking decorations; the lights, the candles with red little Santas and white snowmen occupied some of her shelves and the little coffee table. 

But on this particular Christmas Delphine seemed to be quite fidgety. The fact that it was the 24th and they had nothing prepared dawned on her as she was gazing outside. 

Little snowflakes, all different and unique, fell from the skies, covering the surroundings. 

“What if we don’t find a tree?” she asked as she sipped from her coffee, thinking restlessly about the problems ahead. 

“We’ll search every store, we’ll find something,” Cosima reassured her. 

“And the food? Not only we have to buy ingredients, but cook it too!” Delphine added. 

“The guests arrive at 6 PM. Right now it’s 10 AM. That’s almost 8 hours of preparations, I think we’ve got it under control,” Cosima replied. She flipped the page she’d been reading from the local magazine. 

Delphine thought for a second; she looked around, and seeing how nothing around the house reminded her of Christmas, she headed towards her pantry. 

“Where are my decorations…” she asked herself. 

“Delphine…” 

“Get the ladder, please. I need to hand you the boxes,” she continued, locating the needed objects. “Where’s that ladder?” 

“Relax,” Cosima told her from behind, a big, metallic ladder in her arms. “Here.” 

“Okay, so this one’s for the tree,” she began once she was on the highest rung. “… and these are… for windows and shelves…” she continued as she checked the contents. “And finally…” Pause. 

She froze on the ladder, frantically looking around the top shelves. 

“What’s wrong?” Cosima asked once she noticed her unease. 

“I… I can’t find the tree stand…” she said and felt like she might fall off the goddamn ladder. 

She stabilized herself by holding the cold metal. 

“Okay, time to come down,” Cosima said and tugged her arm. “Come.” 

Delphine did so. “We can’t have a tree without a stand.” 

“Let me check the boxes,” Cosima offered, opening the brown cartons. 

“It can’t be there, I never put it there,” Delphine fought. 

Lifting the green stand from the first box, Cosima looked back at her. 

Delphine felt confused. Seeing the trouble on her face, Cosima put down the found object and approached her. 

“I know this is moving really quickly and we don’t have as much time on our hands as we did on other occasions,” Cosima told her, taking her hands. “But darling… we are together. You hear me? We are two, we will do all of these together. And we will enjoy every moment of it.” 

Delphine exhaled, growing a timid smile. “You’re right. That’s what I should be thankful for. That you’re here, with me.” 

Cosima nodded. “And that we’ve found that stand,” she said and Delphine let herself chuckle. “I mean, without it we’d be a little screwed.” 

They filled the room with their laughter, and Delphine finally relaxed a little. 

“So here’s how we’ll proceed,” Cosima said later on, both sitting down at the table. “We’ll eat and then we’ll go out and search for a tree. We’ll drop by to pick Chelsea up and buy food. There will be three of us, so we’ll have plenty of hands to cook and decorate the house. Agree?” 

Delphine nodded. “Sounds good.” 

They did just so. Delphine had to block thoughts like ‘there will be a line at the market’, or ‘what if there won’t be a tree to get’ and especially ‘what if the food won’t be ready’. She blocked them and looked back at Cosima to be reassured and calmed. To be reminded of why this holiday was always so important to her. 

All the love and joy was spread with the help of other people, and Cosima sure helped her to do that. 

So she tried to keep the positive thinking, to remember that today she’d see her parents again, that she’d meet the parents of the woman she loved madly. 

Speaking of the devil, her mother called just as they were nearing the tree market. They said that they were packing, preparing for the visit. 

“Would you girls mind if we brought some treats?” her mother asked. 

The two girls looked at each other, most likely thinking the same thing. “That would be great, maman. Really great, actually,” Delphine replied. “May I know what it is you’re bringing?” 

“Oh, just a little something for after and before the dinner. The usual,” she answered. 

“Well, the _usual_ for you is a lot, so I suppose I’ll have to guess.” 

“We have to go now. We can’t wait to see you and meet Cosima,” she said and hung up shortly after. 

“That’s so nice,” Cosima said. 

“Hanging up on me? Oui… the best,” Delphine said as she pulled in the parking lot of a big market. “It does make our job a little easier, though. Now we just have to worry about the big guy,” she said, stopping the engine. 

“The tree or the turkey?” Cosima asked, confused. 

Delphine thought about it for a second. “Both,” she replied at last. 

Cosima chuckled and got out of the car. 

To Delphine’s surprise, there were quite a few beautiful trees left, waiting to be bought and welcomed into people’s homes. They spent about 10 minutes going around, studying every one of them. Cosima was set on finding the right one. 

“I don’t know,” she replied when Delphine asked her what that means. “I guess it’s the one that I see and love instantly. Like love at first sight,” she continued, turning to Delphine and grinning. 

“Keep moving, come on,” Delphine said and pushed her forward gently. “You idiot.” She smiled, though. How could she not smile at that? How could she not smile in return to that gorgeous grin? 

Finally they found a middle-sized tree that looked perfect to them. It was almost at the end of the tree line-up, carelessly placed between two huge ones. 

“This is the one,” Cosima said and Delphine couldn’t agree more. It was rich in branches all the way to the top, something Delphine always paid attention to. 

Tightly wrapped in a white net, they carried it to the car. Delphine’s Juke wasn’t the smallest car, but they still had a difficult time cramming the tree inside. 

“Call Chelsea, will you? Tell her to come down in 5,” Delphine asked. 

After they picked her up, they stopped by a store to buy the ingredients they needed to cook that monster of a turkey. 

“Do you think one of us needs to stay here and guard the tree?” Chelsea asked. 

“I don’t think someone would steal it,” Delphine argued. 

“I’ll stay,” Cosima offered. “It gives me time to bond with it anyway.” 

-.-.-.- 

“Are you a big fan of Christmas, Cosima?” Chelsea asked as they were setting up the cooking area. 

“Oh, yeah, the biggest,” she replied. “So are my parents. We always enjoyed the holiday very much. And you?” 

Delphine caught sight of Chelsea as she was thinking how to answer the question. She couldn’t avoid her parents. 

“My family was quite traditional too, while I was still living with them,” she replied at last. “I don’t really know what’s going on now.” 

Cosima froze, the big turkey in her hands. “Oh… you’re not keeping in touch with each other?” 

“Not really,” Chelsea said without meeting her gaze. “But I’m glad to be celebrating it with you.” 

Delphine smiled at her. “So, uhm… who will be decorating?” 

“You guys can go do that. I’ll start preparing the stuffing,” Chelsea offered. “I do love cooking, as I’m sure you noticed by now.” 

“Oh, I can’t wait for the crème soup,” Cosima said, as she finished lining up all the ingredients. 

“Let’s not think about food for now, darling. Come help me,” Delphine told her, taking her hand and leading her into the living room. 

They had put the tree in its stand first thing when they came in. Fortunately, it fit without any necessary cutting from the lower trunk. Once it was set up, it was about Cosima’s height, something she loved bringing up. 

“It looks like my brother,” she mentioned as she put the top ornament. “Oh, and I believe we forgot something quite important,” she added, as she turned abruptly to Delphine, her dreads whisking around. 

Moving towards one of the shelves in the living room, she turned on the music player and put on a Christmas mix. As she pressed play, Andy Williams’ “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” started playing from the speakers placed in all four corners of the room. 

“Ah, I knew it was too quiet in here!” they heard Chelsea exclaim from the kitchen. 

“That’s right, now we can really decorate this place,” Delphine said. 

They started adorning the tree, the ornaments coming in order so that the tree wouldn’t look like a confused mess at the end. They decided to go mainly on red, red globes and red garland; it matched the couch. The lights were multicolored anyway, so they would be the element to give the extra color which the room ‘lacked’. 

“Too bad it’s not snowing,” Cosima said, glancing out the window. They put up almost all the globes and it already looked great in Delphine’s eyes. 

“But at least our parents will be arriving safely,” Delphine outlined. 

“Yeah, you’re right. I should book a hotel room for them,” Cosima said, casually picking her phone up. 

Delphine on the other side, widened her eyes in surprise. “You haven’t booked anything yet? It’s Christmas Eve, do you think anything will be free?” 

“Don’t worry, I have some acquaintances at the Marriott,” Cosima said, scrolling through her contacts. 

Delphine raised her eyebrows, but she didn’t say anything. She knew she needed not to worry about accommodating her parents; they were a mere 20 minutes away. And her dad rarely drank, so that wasn’t a problem. 

By lunch time the living room was decorated and set for the evening. The other rooms would take little time decorating, so they could join Chelsea in cooking. She too had come far with the dinner; the turkey was already in the oven. 

“So what’s left to do?” Delphine asked as they both came back in the kitchen. 

“We have the cranberry sauce, the mashed potatoes and the broccoli crème left to make. But those can be done later, so that they will be fresh by the time we have dinner,” Chelsea explained. 

Delphine had to admit she was a little surprised, yet proud, of how much they did. 

All three of them sat in silence for a minute, looking at each other. When the awkwardness started to creep into the atmosphere, Cosima spoke up. 

“Let’s… play some games!” she proposed. 

The two women seemed a bit reluctant, but they accepted the idea nonetheless. 

“What do you suggest?” Chelsea asked, folding her arms and leaning into the counter. 

Hopping up on the other side of the counter, she said, “Well, personally, I always liked Truth or Dare.” 

“Truth or Dare? What are we, high schoolers?” Delphine asked. 

“It’s a fun game, not just for kids,” Cosima argued. 

“And what will you dare me to do? Do a cartwheel?” 

Cosima shot her a disapproving look. Delphine followed. 

“Then let’s do truths alone,” Chelsea said, breaking the tension. 

Cosima seemed to be thinking for a while. Then, as her face lit up, she yelled, “Oh, I know!” 

Starting to walk around the kitchen, Delphine knew some explanations were on the way. As her hands started moving around, she said, “So everyone will get turns in putting a song on, and the other two have to guess which song it is, preferably artist and title. The one who loses must tell a truth. Everyone will get their turn. Each of us gets to put three songs, and then comes the next one.” 

Both Chelsea and Delphine were impressed. “Could’ve been worse,” Delphine admitted. 

Ignoring her comment, Cosima continued to be proud of her idea as she made her way into the Christmas-themed living room. With her grin pinned on her face, she asked, “Can I start?” 

Delphine had a really hard time being annoyed or unimpressed with this idea when Cosima was being so excited and happy; besides, it was Christmas, there was no point in fighting. Kissing her cheek shortly, she said, “Of course,” and sat down on the couch beside Chelsea. 

Typing in the name of the song, Cosima said, “Okay, are you ready?” 

“Hit us,” Chelsea said, propping her elbows on her knees, ready to play. 

Hitting play, a guitar and drums started playing simultaneously. A rock song. 

It sounded familiar, but it didn’t click for Delphine. 

It did for Chelsea. 

Waving her hand in the air frantically, Chelsea said, “Oh, me! Me, I know!” 

Without stopping the music, Cosima let her answer. 

“The Clash, ‘London Calling’!” Chelsea said in a breath. At Cosima’s positive nod, Chelsea added, “Oh, I love The Clash!” 

“Very good, very good,” Cosima said. “Okay, next.” 

Cosima seemed to be going forward with rock. 

When the next song started playing, an incomparable guitar started playing, followed by energetic drums. 

She knew this one. She loved this one to death. But she was too slow, apparently. 

“Oh, you both raised your hand almost at the same time. But I’m sorry babe, Chelsea was still the first one,” Cosima said as the legendary raspy voice started singing. 

“Nirvana, ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’!” Chelsea answered, once again, correctly. 

Delphine looked down in defeat. “I really love this one…” she said. 

She lost the third song as well. The truths were on her to tell. 

_Impossible…_

“Alright, Cormier, let me think of a question,” Cosima said. 

“Wait, will there be three questions or just one?” Delphine asked, confused. There’s only so much she can confess on a Christmas evening. 

“Just one,” she said. “Okay, I know. So, I suppose you remember when, after you kissed me for the first time right outside the club, you were going home one day and I was in the bus station. I was waiting for Shay to pick me up. That was you, in the car in front of us, right?” 

Delphine remembered the moment exactly. She remembered the unearthly jealousy dawning on her. She remembered hitting the gas pedal so furiously, so anxious to get further away from them. The pinching… the loud rock music… Shay’s big black hat… 

Trying to put those feelings back in the past, she replied, nodding, “Oui, it was me.” 

A smile which had no place next to such a memory creeped on Cosima’s face. “I knew it was you. I didn’t recognize the car that well. But your hair… I recognized your blonde, straightened hair.” 

Delphine fake-smiled and sat up from the couch. It was her turn. She made it her turn. 

Cosima took her hand and kissed it. “Don’t give us something really hard.” 

She didn’t expect to be taken back to those dark memories from the first round. But the soft kiss and Cosima’s innocent smile slowly brought her back to the present, to her happy reality. 

Bringing her head back in the game, Delphine’s mind jumped to a song she was more than sure Chelsea would guess. She knew why. 

Within the first notes of the electrical guitar, both hands were already up in the air. 

Chelsea was first again. 

“Who else than Guns’N’Roses with the incomparable ‘Sweet Child O’ Mine’?” she proudly said. 

The second song. 

This time Cosima’s hand was first. Chelsea was thinking. 

“Yes?” Delphine asked, looking at Cosima. 

“It’s Arctic Monkeys with… uhm… damn it,” she said, thinking hard. She took her head in her hands. “How can I possibly not remember this?!” 

Chelsea’s hand was waving frantically. 

Once Delphine gave Cosima enough time to think, she moved to Chelsea. 

“’Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High’, obviously,” Chelsea said with a know-it-all attitude. 

“Shit! I knew it!” Cosima was exasperated and she didn’t hide it. 

“Up your game, Niehaus,” Chelsea told her. 

“I thought that you, out of all of us, would ace this, Cosima,” Delphine said. 

“I just need to warm up,” she said as an excuse. 

“Okay, last one,” Delphine announced and hit play. The upbeat trumpets filled the speakers around the room with a joyous tune. 

Cosima didn’t even raise her hand, she just yelled out the answer victoriously. “Of Monsters and Men, ‘Little Talks’!” 

The other woman clapped. “Still gotta answer my question, ma chérie,” Delphine said. 

“Hit me,” Cosima said, looking prepared for anything. 

Delphine thought for a second. She didn’t know why all these dark questions came to her mind, to her curiosity. “Did you ever self-harm?” 

“No,” she admitted. “But I often thought about it. I knew people who did it, and to me it didn’t seem like a solution, not then. But now, I understand more. So I think I didn’t understand it enough to do it. And it’s probably for the best. Maybe I would’ve done something really bad, not knowing what I was getting myself into.” 

Both Chelsea and Delphine nodded, looking down. They didn’t realize, but they did it unison. 

“Nichols, you’re up next,” Cosima said, breaking the confusing silence. 

Delphine sat down next to Cosima; caressing her hand shortly, she kissed her with the Christmassy lights shining in the background. 

It was starting to get dark outside, but inside the lights combined with the candles generated enough light for the women to see. 

Chelsea went down the path of legends as well. 

Cosima shouted the answer almost immediately after raising her hand. “Amy Winehouse, ‘Rehab’!” 

Delphine wasn’t going to be the loser this night, though. With the next song Chelsea played, she got it right, without needing time to think. 

“’Summertime Sadness’, Lana Del Ray,” she said, listening to the melancholic tune. 

… and the next one would be another hit for her. One which tickled her dancing senses. 

“Justin Timberlake, ‘What Goes Around’! Now this is a jam,” she said, starting to move her hands, her shoulders following the rhythm. 

“So, Niehaus, you’ve got to answer a question,” Chelsea said. 

“Oh, me! I’ve got a question!” Delphine said, her hand shooting in the air again. 

“Sorry Cormier, it’s my turn and my curiosity,” Chelsea said unapologetically. 

While Delphine mumbled something senseless to herself about having a burning question, Chelsea asked Cosima, “When did you know you were gay?” 

“Oh, nice question… I think I was in the… yeah, I was in the 5th grade when I had my first big girl crush,” she answered. 

“And who was she?” Chelsea continued to ask. 

“She was my desk mate. Been ignoring the ‘don’t crush on the wrong girls’ policy since day 1. She never knew, obviously, but still. I was still discovering my feelings and what it meant to be gay,” Cosima answered, without seeming to be reliving unpleasant feelings. 

“What was she like?” Chelsea asked furthermore, interested. 

“Okay, is this an interview? That’s the third question already and I wasn’t even allowed to ask one,” Delphine complained. 

“Because it wasn’t your turn,” Chelsea shot back. 

“But you’re allowed to ask only one!” Delphine replied furiously, but she stopped herself. This seemed to be turning into a child’s feud. She was 30, for Christ’s sake. So she tried instead, “We should leave other questions for other times… is all I’m saying.” 

Chelsea laughed. “Relax, I’m just trying to find out more about our home girl here,” she said and took Cosima’s place from the couch. 

“Besides, there were no rules applied, babe,” Cosima pointed out, giving her heart eyes and a terrifyingly convincing smile. 

After a few rounds, Chelsea had eventually lost. Cosima had gotten her when she moved on to songs by The Cure. Delphine needed less than two milliseconds to guess those. 

“Okay, let me see…” Cosima said as she was thinking what question to ask her. This was an opportune occasion for both parties to get to know each other, Delphine liked to think. “Why aren’t your parents here, if you don’t mind me asking?” 

Delphine tensed up; Chelsea, on the other hand, as hard as this subject was to her, seemed to be rather casual about it. 

“I don’t mind,” she said. “My decision to move out here wasn’t something they lightly took on. They really wanted me to stick around, and I really wanted to explore more on my own. I couldn’t sit under their wings my entire life, you know?” she told her and tittered. As Cosima nodded, she continued, “So we rarely talk these days, let alone meet. The relationship kind of degraded with time. They don’t even know what’s been going on in my life these days, besides the cancer.” 

“Don’t you… miss them?” Cosima asked cautiously. 

Chelsea looked down and Delphine knew this was as far as she could go without getting emotional. “I do,” she said, but lifted her head and looked at Cosima. “But this is a life I love having. I love my job, my friends. I feel happy as I am, even though I sometimes miss the parental attention. But then again, we all have our dark sides which we learn to handle with time.” 

Cosima nodded. “Well… you’re up next,” she told her and Chelsea took her place and her jolly attitude back. 

She could switch moods like that; she had enough time to practice. And she knew this day, this moment wasn’t one to waste on ‘emotional crap’, as she so often called it. 

They continued to play until they alarmingly realized it was almost 5:30 PM. The guests would be arriving in half an hour, give or take. 

“That was really fun, but there are literally several things to do until they arrive,” Delphine said, putting her apron back on. “Okay, this is how what we’ll do: Chels, handle the crème. Cosima, are you good with the potatoes?” 

“Certainly,” she said, turning the gas on the stove to cook them. 

“I’m on the sauce, then,” she said more to herself. 

As she started putting the ingredients in a bowl, she was thinking about what she would wear. And her hair… she was certain her hair looked like a mess… 

“I am almost sure I won’t have time for my hair… what should I do with it?” she asked, without looking at the two. 

After waiting for an answer, but receiving none, she looked back at them and noticed they had stopped their activities. They were both perplexed, but they looked rather frustrated. 

But they still didn’t say anything. They just shook their heads and went back to their business. 

“Guys, I still need an answer,” she argued. 

The two brunettes looked at each other, mirroring each other’s thoughts. 

“Your hair never needs fixing, haven’t you learned that by now?” Chelsea told her at last. 

“It’s perfect, don’t worry about it,” Cosima said, on a more loving tone. 

“So not even some hairspray?” she tried asking Chelsea, but she was out of sight. 

“Leave it be!” she yelled from the hallway. 

As she turned to finish the mixing, she felt a pair of arms slip around her waist. “You’re not anxious, are you?” 

“A little… but then I remind myself that they’re your parents. And I suppose you got all this awesomeness from both of them.” 

Cosima chuckled and kissed the base of her neck. Turning, Delphine smiled at her. “I’m so happy we’re together,” she told her. Deep down, she felt the true meaning of those words. Not just the fact that they happened to be together on this holiday and not on-call, not the fact that they now lived together, but… the fact that they found each other and that they fit so well. 

And somehow, she saw it in Cosima’s gaze that she was feeling the same. 

And the same feeling only confirmed itself furthermore when their lips touched tenderly. 

-.-.-.- 

Cosima’s favorite color was red, so it matched Christmas’ main color perfectly. All of them had something red on. 

Chelsea had these scarlet high-waist jeans on with a white button shirt; this entire outfit fit her like a glove. Delphine had to admit she looked really good. Even though she always had a good sense of fashion, this time something in the outfit, maybe the elegance, the atmosphere, made her look extra good. 

And when she saw Cosima, she was undoubtedly speechless. Her shapes were thoroughly outlined by a ruby red button up shirt dress. She might have liked it, but it was no lie the color red truly fit her. Just like her, it represented passion and energy; two words that would describe Cosima best. 

“You are gorgeous,” she told her, kissing her hand. 

“So are you, my darling,” she replied, still slightly stunned by Delphine’s appearance. 

But she didn’t look extraordinary. When she put on the red lipstick, she looked in the mirror and she knew that would be the first thing people notice, the striking color was unavoidable. 

When the bell ringed for the first time, Delphine’s heart jumped in excitement and nervousness. Those were also the first things she truly felt when she opened the door and saw her parents standing in the doorway, big smiles on their faces. 

“Maman, papa!” she said excitedly and hugged them both happily. 

“My dear… you look very beautiful…” her father told her. 

“And happy…” her mother added, her eyes glassy. “We’ve missed you so much,” she said, pulling her in her embrace once again. 

“Me too,” she said, returning the hug; with her other hand she squeezed her fathers and he smiled warmly. 

“Come in, come in,” she told them after their moment. 

“Oh, Chelsea, dear!” her mother exclaimed when the brunette made he appearance. 

“Eva…” Chelsea said and hugged the elder woman. 

Her parents considered her as their long lost daughter; they were very close and they truly adored her. Chelsea considered them the parents she always wanted to have; the fun, caring and thoughtful parents she wanted. 

“How are you doing, dear?” Mr. Cormier asked her, embracing her too. 

“I’m very well, Lucas, and you? How are you both doing?” she asked, looking at the both of them. 

“We’re very well, thank you. We heard you had a little complication…” 

“Oh… yeah, a little tumor. But I got well quickly. Especially with a doctor like Delphine by my side,” she told them, looking at her friend. 

“She’s got a really strong character, and you know that,” she said and then Cosima came out. 

There was the smallest moment of silence; but Cosima wouldn’t let that get in her way. 

“Hello, I’m Cosima Niehaus,” she said and extended her hand to Lucas first. 

“Lucas Cormier, and this is my wife, Eva Cormier,” he said. 

Shaking both of their hands, she said, “I am very honored to finally meet you.” 

“So are we,” Eva said and smiled. 

Delphine knew that smile. 

It was a genuine one. 

And her father’s look; she knew that one too. 

They were approving. 

-.-.-.- 

Not long after the Cormiers arrived, the Niehauses made their appearance too. 

Cosima introduced them to Delphine. 

“Mom, dad, this is Delphine. My girlfriend,” she proudly said. 

Shaking hands in turn, Cosima’s mother said, “Sophia and Max Niehaus. We’re so happy we finally meet you. We have heard a lot about you.” 

“Likewise, Mr. and Mrs. Niehaus,” Delphine said cordially. 

“Oh, please, call us by our first names,” Max said. 

“We love our surname, but it’s just so formal, you know?” Sophia said and Delphine nodded, smiling. 

“Well, let me introduce you to my family, then,” she said and after taking their coats, she invited them in the living room where the Cormiers and Chelsea were having a conversation. 

“So you noticed the symptoms yourself,” Delphine heard her mother say, and she wondered just how much she’d bugged Chelsea about her cancer. 

Chelsea nodded. “The least I can do as a doctor,” she said and they laughed. 

After making the cordial introductions with the parents, she referred to Chelsea as ‘a very important person in her life’. 

“She’s like her sister, really,” Cosima told them honestly. 

Leaving the parents behind to talk a little more and to pass the polite barriers of the relationship, the three doctors went in the kitchen to prepare the drinks. 

“I think it’s going pretty well,” Delphine said, peeking in the room. 

“I think it’s going brilliant,” Chelsea said, opening a bottle of wine and smiling. 

“I told you they’d get on and talk. My parents were really excited about coming here and meeting everybody,” Cosima admitted. 

They all had a good time as the evening unfolded. 

Sophia was happy to announce that she brought Chocolate Buche de Noel, a traditional French pastry on Christmas. 

“You baked it?” Delphine asked. At Sophia’s positive reply, she said, “It looks really good, thank you.” 

“Oh, right, we brought some treats too,” Eva said from the living room. “We didn’t know which Cosima’s favorites were, but you and Chelsea always enjoyed eating these on Christmas Eve,” she said and handed her a wrapped up plate. 

Opening the package, Delphine found gougeres, little cheese puffs on one plate and her mother’s famous French Christmas cookies on another. 

“Oh, gougeres… these go so well with wine, right before dinner,” Delphine said and unpacked them, placing them on the table. “And the cookies… these are for next morning, with milk. Just wait until you taste these,” she told Cosima. 

“Can’t wait then,” Cosima admitted, smiling and looking happily at the others. 

While the mothers were helping in the kitchen with last minute preparations, having talks about anything that came on their mind, the dads seemed to be having a heated discussion on moose and their habitats. 

And throughout the whole evening, Delphine noticed just how different their families were. She never saw it in her and Cosima, but now, looking at her parents and Cosima’s parents, she realized how cultures meet and blend. 

Cosima’s parents looked like the laid-back type of people, the ones who loved being happy and sharing their joy, while her parents were courtly, even benevolent. A bit more serious, perhaps. 

This was contrasted by the way they dressed and the way they talked too. Max was just like Cosima; he talked with a lot of passion, his hands flying up and down in explanations. Her dad seemed to be slightly more reserved, quieter. 

But they had what to talk about, nonetheless. There was no silence in Delphine’s apartment; all kinds of conversations were heard over the tranquil Christmas music playing in the background. 

None of them were bored, no one seemed to be having an unpleasant time, and Delphine couldn’t be happier. This was a last-minute planned event, but it was bound to be a very successful one. 

And the dinner they had cooked in those previous hours ended up being better than any of them could have imagined. The turkey got the right amount of roasting, the soup and the sauce had plenty of flavor and both couples of parents seemed to be proud of their daughters’ accomplishments, especially given the short amount of time they had on their hands. 

“But you must save some space, we have some very special dessert, don’t we?” Delphine said and looked at Sophia. 

“Oh, it’s not much. I hope I got the flavor right,” she said, trying not to make it a big deal. 

And the French family gave their most sincere opinion. 

“I assure you, it’s very good,” Eva said honestly. 

“Thank you, but the girls really made the evening with this delicious dinner,” Sophia said and everyone agreed. 

So, when the couple had crashed into bed hours later, after washing up everything and spending time with their families, they both admitted it was a success. Despite all the stress, everyone had a memorable evening. 

“Who needs a better present than this?” Cosima asked as she looked down at Delphine and the blonde felt the same feeling of gratitude and joy seen in Cosima’s eyes. 


	20. It's Never Too Late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Cosima's niece, Brooke, goes into labour, the two doctors are rushed to the hospital. It turns out to be an opportunity which teaches Delphine a little more about Cosima's past.

The two women were unpleasantly woken up a few days after the big Christmas dinner. Delphine came to her senses quickly when her pager started beeping loudly. On the other nightstand both Cosima’s pager and her phone rung and she still hadn’t bat an eyelash. 

“Cosima,” Delphine said, shaking her shoulder gently. “Wake up.” 

Checking her pager, it simply read _“911”_. 

“Cosima,” she tried again and reached over the sleeping brunette to stop her alarms. 

Her pager read the same thing, while her phone started ringing as well. 

“What’s going on?” Cosima asked, sleepy and confused. 

“Wake up. Alison’s calling you,” she told her and showed her phone. 

“What… Ali?” she answered the phone and sat up. 

Delphine didn’t hear much of the conversation, as she got up and started dressing up. 

Okay, we’ll hurry. You just sit tight,” she told her over the phone and started dressing up as well, still sleepy. 

“What’s the problem?” Delphine asked, feeling brisk, suddenly ready to jump in the OR if she was needed to. 

“Brook’s in labour,” she told her. 

Brook… she remembered Cosima’s niece vividly. She was almost 7 months pregnant when she first examined her. 

In less than 10 minutes they were ready to go, waiting for the elevator to go down those 10 stories. 

“Good morning,” Cosima told her and she realized they didn’t even have those little morning talks. She knew these situations would occur several times, but it felt slightly strange to not have that little time in the morning, at least during breakfast, when they could small talk. 

“Good morning,” she said and kissed her, as they reached the ground floor and the doors slid open. 

“Let’s go and deliver another baby, then,” Delphine said as they got in the car. 

“Team Cormier-Niehaus, right?” she said and put her hand up, waiting for a high-5. 

“Really?” Delphine laughed, pulling the car out of the parking space. 

“Don’t leave me hanging,” Cosima insisted and got the salute she wanted. 

They entered the hospital through the ER doors, getting as fast as they could to the emergency. They didn’t even need to search for the Hendrix family, they were led by the inevitable screams of pain. 

“Good morning,” Cosima said, taking her jacket off and putting gloves on. “How are we?” 

“In huge pain,” Brook said, between pants. 

“But we’re managing,” Alison said. 

“Just hang in there, Brook,” Cosima said, sitting down in front of the bed to see how dilated she is. 

“Oh, mom, I can’t do this,” Brook said, squeezing her mother’s hand. 

“Yes, yes, you can,” her mother assured her. 

“No, I have really bad stomach pain.” 

By now Delphine had equipped herself with gloves as well. “Let’s see the problem, then, alright?” she asked as she prepared the gel and machine to view her stomach and her baby. “Can you tell me more precisely where you feel the pain?” 

Brook nodded. “In my abdomen.” 

“How are the contractions?” Delphine asked Alison. 

“Growing stronger, up to 50 seconds.” 

Delphine started examining. 

“You’re not fully dilated. You still have a bit to go,” Cosima informed. 

“Dr. Niehaus? May I know who you’re examining?” a stern voice came from behind. 

The Chief. 

“A… patient, sir…” Cosima replied, forgetting about the fact that she wasn’t the designated doctor for this case. 

“One you’re not allowed to, perhaps,” he said and put his hands on his hips. 

“They paged us for emergency, it was only fair to give a consult since the girl is in labor. She’s only 6 cm dilated and her contractions are growing stronger. She has about 4 hours left,” she informed him in a quieter voice. 

He nodded. “You know I have to page someone else,” he said. 

“I do, but page Montgomery, then,” Cosima said. 

“She’s on her way,” he said and showed a tiny smile. “We’ve got her,” he reassured her and only then did Cosima realize she was a bit nervous for her niece. 

“Anything worrying, Dr. Cormier?” 

“No, everything is alright,” she told them, taking off her gloves. “But have you considered a C-section?” she asked and no one answered. 

“Why would you suggest that?” Cosima inquired, sitting back on the chair. 

“She has high blood pressure. And even though she gets a scar, it would save her the excessive pain,” Delphine said. 

Cosima nodded and looked down. It was Alison and Brook’s decision. 

“I say you do it,” Alison told her. “Don’t think about that scar. Everyone has scars, darling.” 

Brook seemed to be thinking, but she nodded in agreement at last. 

Before they could say anything else, the ER doors opened loudly and a bunch of paramedics walked in. 

On the gurney there was a small baby, crying loudly, and with him a tall, blonde woman which Delphine and Cosima recognized immediately. 

They both looked at each other and excused themselves, going over to the emergency. 

“Chandler Duval, 2 months old-“one of the paramedics said, but Delphine interrupted them, making way to get to the baby. 

“We know, we brought you to life, didn’t we?” she said and took his chart. “What’s wrong?” 

“Cosima, Delphine… oh, I’m so happy you’re in,” she heard Joy say. 

“We’re good now, thank you,” Delphine told the paramedics. “What happened?” she asked and put her stethoscope on to listen to the baby’s heartbeat. 

“He has trouble breathing,” she told them. As Cosima was now looking over the chart, and Delphine analyzing the baby’s state, she told them the symptoms he showed. “He kept breathing rapidly, and grunting while breathing. I think I know very well what is wrong with him, but I needed to come here to be sure.” 

“We need to do some X-rays and tests, but this really looks like pneumonia,” Delphine said. “We’ll admit him in and do a full check-up, alright?” 

Joy nodded. “I don’t know where he could have possibly gotten it from.” 

“When did the symptoms start?” Cosima asked. 

“Yesterday,” she said. “I didn’t want to wait longer. This morning when I was feeding him he presented the rapid breathing, so I just called the ambulance and came in.” 

“Good thing you did, catching it in time,” she told her. “Let’s get those tests.” 

-.-.-.- 

“She still has a couple more hours ahead of her,” Brook’s gynecologist told Delphine outside the patient’s room. “Page me if there’s a problem.” 

“Sure, Dr. Montgomery.” 

“Any problems?” Alison asked Delphine when she returned to the room. 

“No, everything’s going on track. Alison, I suggest you grab a coffee, this will take some time,” she told her. 

“Yeah, go, I’ll sit with her,” Cosima offered. 

“Don’t you have to work today?” Brook asked her. 

“I took the day off,” she said, and continued to hold her hand. Delphine smiled at her. 

“If you don’t mind, Dr. Cormier, would you answer some questions?” Alison asked. 

“Sure. Let’s get you that coffee first,” Delphine said and leaded her to the cafeteria. 

On the way there they talked about Brook’s pregnancy and how the C-section would unfold. Delphine informed her of all the risks and what the recovery meant. 

“I really hope she pulls through. I love her more than anything, but this pregnancy… it still feels so soon,” Alison confessed. 

“I understand that feeling, Alison.” 

“I just don’t think she’s prepared…” 

“No one’s ever really prepared for a child, no matter how old they are. I assume you felt the same thing when you were carrying her?” 

She didn’t say anything, but she nodded eventually; she knew it was true. 

“How is your husband handling this pregnancy?” Delphine asked her as the coffees filled the paper cups. 

“Oh, Donnie is really excited and happy. It’s like he’s completely blind to the risks and what this means. He’s out right now buying last minute things with the father… Vincent…” 

“So we should be expecting them,” Delphine concluded. 

“Yeah… I just…” she seemed like she can’t find her words. “I just don’t want her to make the same mistakes as I did, is all. I was about her age when I had her and she was the best thing that’s ever happened to me and Donnie. But… she did reduce the circle of possibilities for me. Unwillingly, of course. She’s still the most precious thing my eyes laid on, but… I somehow wish I would’ve done more before I had her.” 

“It’s not too late, you know,” Delphine told her, handing her the fresh coffee. 

“I know.” 

She smiled at the doctor, sipping from the beverage. 

“So… I hear that my sister found someone really nice. She said she makes her feel like no one ever did. That’s saying something, with all the girls she dated,” she said and stopped once Delphine did, suddenly.“She said she’s really lucky.” 

Delphine looked down and smiled. “I think I’m the lucky one here.” 

“You’re very important to her, you know.” She took her chin and brought it back up to meet her eyes. “Besides, you’re the first one I really like. So she better not break your heart, or she’ll be hearing from me.” 

Delphine chuckled. 

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Delphine.” 

As they continued their way back to Brook’s room, Delphine’s mind flew back to something Alison mentioned. 

“So she used to have many girlfriends?” she asked Alison. 

“Well, she wasn’t quite out to our parents, but I knew. I knew and she could always rely on me to hear all about the girls she liked. I can’t say she would change them once a week, no. She wasn’t like that. She wasn’t a heart breaker.” 

As she said those words, Delphine thought of Shay. 

“But she liked meeting new people. And she liked many girls, but she only fell in love a few times. And when that happened, when she truly fell for someone, she fell hard. So when it ended, she was always broken. One time after dating this girl for a few months they broke up because her family had to move. She was in high school, so she couldn’t stay behind. They were both really sad, but I had never seen Cosima so… destroyed. Our parents noticed. You’ve met them, they’re pretty easygoing. And yet, she was still scared of telling them.” 

“But they accepted her,” Delphine figured. 

“They accepted her with open arms,” Alison said. “We never thought they would be that open-minded, but you never know. They even decorated the goddamn house with flags.” 

They were right outside the room, and she laughed so hard that even Cosima heard her. 

“What’s so funny?” she asked when they entered the room. 

“I just told her how mom and dad put out flags everywhere years ago,” Alison said, sitting down next to her daughter. 

“Oh yeah, some are still there,” Cosima said and smiled, as she remembered. 

“Here, get some energy,” Delphine told her and handed her the other cup of coffee she bought. 

“Oh, thanks, honey.” She kissed her cheek and updated her on Brook’s state. 

“We’re getting closer, then,” Delphine said and her attention was stolen by the beeping pager. “Chandler’s results are done. I have to go, but I’ll come by later.” 

“Update me on him too, please,” Cosima asked as Delphine opened the room’s door. 

Chandler’s tests showed exactly what Delphine was thinking. He had pneumonia. 

“So, we’ll start medication with antibiotics, then, no?” Joy asked, as she was gently rocking her boy. 

“Yes, I’ll prescribe you some, but I would like to keep him admitted for a few days, so I can keep a closer eye on him. We can make sure he heals faster this way,” Delphine said. 

Joy nodded, sitting down. 

“And how are your first months going? Is he tough to put to sleep or feed?” Delphine interested. 

“Not at all, he seems to be loving sleep more than anything. And two days ago he just couldn’t fall asleep, so he kept crying and crying. That’s when I started worrying.” Delphine was writing all of these down in his chart. “After that he started breathing heavily, and I decided to come in. There was no worth in wasting time. I knew the symptoms, I knew almost for sure what it was.” 

“Anyone else sick in the family? Any sickness?” 

“No one,” she denied. 

“How often did you take him outside?” 

“Every other day.” 

“Alright, well, his X-rays show the exact same thing as the tests, so we know how to make him better. You just sit tight, and if anything occurs, don’t hesitate to page me,” Delphine told her. 

She didn’t look as frightened as she did a few hours ago, but she was obviously uneasy. 

“And how are you doing? How’s Cosima?” Joy asked her. 

“We’re doing wonderful. We celebrated our first Christmas together with our families and… we’re just really happy,” she said, smiling. 

“Oh, you’re… you’re together?” Joy asked, pleasantly surprised. 

“Yeah,” Delphine admitted, suddenly shy. 

“Oh, that’s wonderful! I can’t say I know you as well as I do Cosima, but you really seem to fit,” Joy told her. “I’m happy for you guys,” she added, a wide smile on her face. 

“Thank you, Joy,” Delphine said and remarked how well her name fit her. 

“And how did you get together?” she asked, leaning back in her chair. 

“Quite a long story. But without making it boring, we started spending more and more time after working on some cases – yours included – and I think it just happened. The more time we spent together, the more I found myself wanting to be near her. As cheesy as it may sound, we had that spark or click or whatever, you know?” she said, and Joy nodded. 

“She always said, back in college, that she’d marry the girl who she felt truly connected with. She told me how important it was to her. And she’d had a few relationships back then, but I could see it on her, she would tell me, ‘It’s not her’. Most of relationships were ended because they both decided they didn’t work.” 

“How was she then?” Delphine asked, suddenly interested in knowing everything there was about past Cosima. 

“She was the combo of everything you’d want in a lover. She was very smart and hardworking, always at the top of her game. With girls she was thoughtful and funny and as a friend she was always there, you know? We were roommates, so whenever I had the smallest issue, she’d drop everything to help me out.” 

Delphine smiled. She was still like that. She never changed. 

“We might have parted ways a little, but I’ll never forget those years. We’ve created some memories I could never forget.” 

“You have a good bond,” Delphine said, understanding what Joy talked about. 

“Exactly… truly an amazing person, that one,” Joy concluded, looking down at her sleeping baby. 

“Truly an amazing person…” Delphine repeated to herself, her eyes also dropping to the child. 

“And whenever I look at him, I think of the team you two formed that night, how helpful you both were. I honestly couldn’t have wished for better doctors.” 

-.-.-.- 

Not long after Delphine talked to Joy, it was finally Brook’s time to have her baby. 

“I’ve already paged Montgomery, so you just go scrub in,” Cosima told Delphine as they were getting ready to take her into the OR. 

“See you in a bit.” 

As she was in the scrub room, Delphine watched as they were preparing the surgical field, moving Brook on the sterile bed, hooking her to machines. 

They allowed Alison to step into the OR, after changing clothes, in order to sit by her daughter. 

“How are you feeling, Brook?” she asked her while a nurse dressed her in the surgical coat and the gloves. 

“Terrified, but ready to meet my baby,” she told her. 

After Dr. Montgomery walked in, they gave Brook the epidural in order to numb the lower half of body. 

She didn’t have a very different working technique from Cosima; she was just as considerate as Delphine had seen Cosima be with mothers. Occasionally, she asked her how she felt, if anything felt wrong. Her blood pressure and heartbeat were good and constant, without major changes. Everything was alright. 

Cosima was standing, almost glued to the window, watching Montgomery’s every move, most certainly practicing the procedure in her head. 

Alison kept talking to Brook about everything and anything and Brook’s nervousness seemed to dull a bit every time she chuckled with her mother. Delphine now had two very different portrays of Alison: the strict and doubtful, even cold figure she had when they first came in the hospital and the present, warm, motherly attitude she gave to Brook now. She was sure she was a nice person, as the rest of her family was, but she might have needed a little more time to get to know her; to have conversations like they did that day when they got coffees. 

In about 15 minutes after Brook was opened, a vigorous cry was heard in the OR and up in the gallery where Cosima’s eyes started glistening. 

“I’ll let you do the honors,” Montgomery told Delphine as she handed her the newborn. 

“And we have a little girl!” Delphine said, cutting the cord. 

Covering her in a white sheet, she held the baby and smiled as she looked up in the gallery, at Cosima. She was smiling too, her teary eyes joyous. And Delphine felt it right there and then, that connection; she felt it all over again. This moment was another one she would never forget. 

-.-.-.- 

When they went to bed several hours later, Delphine still remembered that moment from the OR vividly. She remembered every detail; how Cosima’s tears gathered in her eyes, how every inch of her face radiated with happiness and relief. The distinct, sterile smell she already got used to from the OR. The little baby fiddling in her arms, still filling her lungs with air. Even Alison and Brook’s expression were unforgettable. 

But something about those few seconds she had with Cosima still stuck in her brain. Even though a glass window and a few meters were separating them, she still felt closer to her, through the newborn, through the gaze they held. 

It just made her realize how much she still has left to discover with Cosima. How many feelings and experiences she had to go through with her. 

Cosima got under the sheets last, leaving the nightstand light on as she always did. 

“I want to have a family with you,” Delphine told her once Cosima settled next to her, looking straight into her eyes. Her fingers were lightly caressing Cosima’s soft cheek. “I want to be linked with you for however many days we may live. I want to raise children with you, and a dog, and I want us to leave something behind, as a reminder of the love we shared.” 

Cosima didn’t say anything for some time. Delphine just watched how her eyes teared up the second time that day, how she gave her that gracious smile of hers. She didn’t panic when her words were followed by silence; she didn’t lose hope because Cosima’s emotions shined right through and she answered without using words. 

When she spoke at last, it was exactly what Delphine expected. “You always mirror my thoughts, Cormier. This is why I keep you around,” she told her and couldn’t hide her chuckle. 

Delphine started laughing too, dropping her head. 

“This is why I love you,” she said, lifting her chin and bringing her lips close to her own. 

“I have a good feeling about this life we’re thinking of,” Cosima said as she turned the light off and welcomed Delphine in her arms. 

“Something tells me it will be a captivating ride.” 


	21. Her Beauty And The Moonlight Overthrew You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our joyous couple spend their first New Year's together and it has just a tinge of a magical feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit belated, but happy new year's! May 2019 be truly good and I hope all of you get what you desire. Let's try to make it a really good one :)

That week between Christmas and New Year’s passed quite fast, as it always did. They were caught up at work, having a lot of paperwork to catch up on since they took the trip to the Lakes. More and more kids came in who got injured from playing outside too much. They either presented with nasty colds or even nastier wounds from snow fights and sleigh rides gone wrong. 

But it was pointless to say that the two women didn’t enjoy going to work every day; it was their passion, the dream they always had since they were kids. While during the day they worked, at night they cherished each other. 

They got better and better at living with someone, at sharing their life with a significant other. Cosima still had a hard time sharing the popcorn during movie nights, but she was learning. 

“I just think they should invent packages meant for two people,” she excused herself one evening. “It’s not fair to be sharing popcorn, because you never know how much you take away from the other person, is all I’m saying. You know?” 

“Sure,” Delphine said, giving her a skeptical look. “It’s either that, or you just really love to eat popcorn.” 

“Who doesn’t?” she asked, taking a mouthful of said salty popcorn. 

“Well, it’s true most people do. But most people also might want to be in shape, so they try to avoid it as much as they can.” 

“It’s okay, babe, you’re really hot, don’t worry,” she told her, tapping her shoulder lightly, almost absentmindedly, while she seemed to focus intensely on a cooking show. 

“Oh, I’m not talking about me,” Delphine said, casually biting one piece of the snack. 

Now Cosima seemed to truly snap back in the conversation. She turned her head dramatically to face Delphine, but the blonde didn’t meet her gaze. She just tried really hard to hold in her smile. 

“Excuse me? Was that a… a barb? Did you just try to subtly critique my figure?” Cosima asked, and though her words seemed to show she’s offended, her voice and her expression proved just the opposite. 

Letting a smile finally grow on her face, Delphine said, “Not at all, I just… remembered how you were shocked when I told you how much I use to run.” 

“You think I can’t run as much, or –or!- that I couldn’t _keep up_ with you?” she asked, setting the popcorn bowl on the modernist coffee table. 

Delphine raised her eyebrows. “All I’m saying is that you keep on bragging how much you would be up to it, but I’ve seen no proof so far,” Delphine said, continuing to be cheeky. 

Looking like she’s ready to take her revenge, Cosima said, “Okay. Tomorrow morning, first thing, we go out for that run you keep on praising. Deal?” 

She looked at her expectantly. 

“Deal,” Delphine replied, shaking her hand. 

“But for now,” Cosima started saying, “you need to be punished for how rude you were.” 

Tightening her grip from the handshake, she drew Delphine closer. 

“Oh no, no, no,” she told her, her eyes widening. Delphine knew what this meant. How evil Cosima could get. “Don’t you dare.” 

But it was too late. Cosima’s playful hands were already on her waist, starting their little dance up and down her stomach. 

Bursting in an uncontrollable laughter, Delphine started begging her to stop. 

Cosima knew how ticklish Delphine could get, how vulnerable she was once Cosima let her hands torture her. She tried to fight back, she really did, but her laughter seemed to never end. 

“P-please Cosima, I can’t- I can’t breathe,” she said between bursting chuckles and heavy pants. 

“Well, you need to get your training for tomorrow somehow,” Cosima posed as an excuse for the games her hands were playing, running on Delphine’s sides and under her knees. 

Somehow Delphine succeeded in freeing herself from the woman atop her, falling on the ground. Standing up faster than she pictured she could have, she continued to laugh as she ran away from the living room. 

Hiding behind the wall connecting the living room and hallway, she heard Cosima coming after her. When she turned the corner, she surely wasn’t expecting Delphine to be there. Having an advantage, Delphine caught her by the forearm, pinning her to the wall softly, both of them still bursting with laughter. 

Cosima’s grin, it just… it went beyond Delphine’s capacities to explain. She simply couldn’t put into words how gorgeous it was, what it made her feel and how much it spoke to her. 

They continued to chuckle, until Delphine kissed her intensely. And even as the kiss turned into something else, something far from fun and lighthearted, Cosima’s smile still peaked into the transition from playful to passionate. 

And it turned passionate swiftly. Because once their lips would meet and the world allowed it, it was just an electrifying fire from there on. Completing each other in the act, it never ceased to be less than appealing, wildly inviting. 

It was ecstasy, over and over again. 

All her senses were aroused by the way Cosima pushed her pelvis to meet Delphine’s. 

When her hands would push the plain shirt out of the way, when her hands came in contact with the warm skin, Delphine would start losing it. She would let herself be carried by Cosima in an entirely different universe, where only their bodies existed, where every touch would be intensified times ten… 

… but not now. Right now she felt like leading. 

Setting her hands beside Cosima’s shoulders, she pressed her body against the wall using her hips. She knew Cosima would feel the same way she did. 

Dipping her head, she started leaving trails of kisses along Cosima’s jawline. But as she felt those magical hands go up her waist, she felt the need to stop teasing or being gentle. She sucked the pulse point under her jawline, leaving a purple mark for later. 

She discarded Cosima of her t-shirt, leaving her topless. She led her eyes to meet Cosima’s gaze, and even though the hallway was lit by the living room’s light, she could see it in her eyes. How much that moment was truly felt, how deep and intense the emotions were. Her fervent desire burst from her look alone. She was inviting. 

Eager for more heat, for even more passion, she ran her tongue along the voluptuous lips she died to kiss anytime. Her hand slithered its way up the flat stomach to her breast, cupping the soft form. Toying with the hardened nipple, she pulled away from her mouth only to get back to the creamy skin on her neck. Dropping her head to one side, Cosima moaned louder as Delphine’s games started getting more serious. She felt this urge, this _thirst_ to reach for more of Cosima, to make her feel so much more than she already did. 

She didn’t spend any time going slowly; without any teasing, _not this fucking time._ Pushing two fingers in from the beginning, Cosima was certainly taken by surprise. Moaning even louder, she gripped Delphine’s hand, feeling the muscles flexing as they thrust inside her harder. 

Delphine smiled, she smiled wickedly as Cosima’s nails dug in her. Because even if Cosima was supposed to be feeling the high, Delphine was surely behind her; her face alone, articulating pleasure, could lead her to an orgasm. The way she moved her hips to get more friction, more contact, to deepen the act, drove Delphine crazier by the second. 

But as she gave that last thrust which took Cosima over the edge, she felt her heart clenching and beating together with the other one, inches close. 

To bring Cosima slightly lower from the high, she kissed her lips, truly tenderly this time, until her eyes opened and it was her soft lover looking back at her, smiling just as lavishly as she was just a few minutes ago. 

“Fucking me against a wall, huh?” Cosima asked her after some time. 

“Yes, it was always my dream,” Delphine replied, amused. 

“I think we might need that experience a few more times, though,” Cosima said, as they went back to the room. “Just to practice, you know?” she added cheekily. 

“For sure,” Delphine said, complementing her nuance. 

And there was that chuckle again, that sound she loved; might have been the sound she adored most hearing. 

-.-.-.- 

“Hey, Cosima,” Delphine said early next morning, patting her partner on the shoulder. 

“What...” she shot back, sounding quite irked. “What time is it?” 

“It’s 7:30,” Delphine replied, sounding refreshed and ready to go. 

“And why are we up then?” Cosima asked, turning around to face Delphine, looking at her through squinty eyes. Truthfully, the sunlight bursting in the room was powerful, but that’s exactly what motivated Delphine to go out and jog. 

“We’re going on a run,” she clarified. “You’re supposed to be taking your revenge.” 

“Oh…” she said, starting to look more awake. “Oh! That’s right, that’s right.” 

Putting on her glasses, she shoved the warm blankets off herself, standing up. 

“I’m totally ready,” she said, and Delphine couldn’t help but laugh. 

Taking turns in the bathroom, Cosima asked, “I don’t understand why we woke up so early on the weekend. Don’t get me wrong, I’m prepared, but still.” 

“It’ll be about 30 minutes until we get ready. 8 AM is the best time to start running here, it’s when the sun hits the streets and the park and it’s warming it up. I’ve checked the weather, it’s above 0®C.” 

“So we won’t be freezing completely, then,” Cosima said, adding the compulsory dose of sarcasm for every day. 

“No, because we’ll be _constantly in motion,_ ” she told her and threw a know-it-all look as she passed by her. 

After a breakfast which Cosima excitedly called “athletic”, they took off. 

Of course the first impression when they walked outside was that every single strand of their hair might freeze, but as they started moving, exercising, they accommodated with the environment. 

They didn’t talk much, obviously. Focusing on keeping regular breathing, Delphine smiled once in a while, looking around and noticing their surroundings. They were about half the distance to the park when Delphine asked, “How are you holding up?” 

Panting lightly, Cosima answered, “Perfectly,” and it didn’t sound strained or forced. 

The park view was truly stunning. Delphine hadn’t been there for quite some time now, what with all the latest events in her life. She realized how much she had missed the whole activity, the running, the fresh air and the view waiting for her at the park. And they were lucky enough to have a bright sun which put a completely different light on nature’s picture. 

Despite the early hour of the day on a weekend day, there were quite a few people outside, either running like they were, walking their dogs or taking their kids out. 

And only then did it dawn on Delphine what day it was. She slowed down. 

“Cosima,” she said, turning to the other woman, “it’s the 31st.” 

They were both still panting, hands on their hips. 

“Shit,” she simply said. “Did you by any chance want a very big Ney Year’s party?” 

“I did last year,” she told her, remembering the exhausting events. “I don’t want that for another three years.” 

“Then it’ll be just us?” Cosima asked, coming closer to her. 

Delphine nodded. 

“And Chelsea?” 

“Oh, she loves those parties. She does them every year,” she told her, almost rolling her eyes. 

Cosima nodded, and after some time she said, “Just us then,” and gave her a peck on the cold lips. 

After having that short break, they started running towards the pond. It wouldn’t be long until they would have to stop again, as they bumped into a familiar face. 

“Oh! Hi, Delphine,” Chase said, suddenly quite jolly. “Cosima,” he said, looking at Delphine’s partner slightly less excited. “What are you doing guys?” 

“We went out for a jog,” Cosima replied, taking Delphine’s hand and latching onto her arm. 

As the situation in front dawned on him, Chase tried to keep up his happy act. “Oh, yeah, that’s great.” 

“The weather was so nice we had to take advantage,” Delphine said, trying to cover up the awkwardness between them. But moreover, she tried to break the uncomfortable gaze Cosima and Chase sustained. “And you?” 

Snapping back to Delphine, he replied, “Oh, I was just out to get some house… stuff.” He seemed like he hardly swallowed this pill. 

Unlike other times, he had the good sense to exit the conversation gracefully. “Well, it’s been great seeing you two, but I gotta run. See you at work,” he said and waved. 

“See you,” Delphine replied while Cosima muttered under her breath a “Hope I don’t”. 

After he left, Delphine turned to her girlfriend. “Cosima…” 

“What?” she asked obliviously. 

“Did you really have to make him jealous?” 

“He had to see it for himself that you’re taken,” Cosima defended herself. 

Delphine shook her head. “Brat,” she mumbled, as she took off again. 

She could bet Cosima was smiling like an idiot by now. 

She was smiling too. 

-.-.-.- 

“Do you have any preferences?” Delphine asked when they were at the supermarket, looking at champagne brands. 

“Not really,” she said. “Just pick one and let’s go.” 

Delphine raised an eyebrow. “Not really into shopping, I see?” 

“At all,” she admitted. “If you know what you want why spend 30 minutes trying on completely different stuff? It’s a waste of time, really.” 

“But it implies taking clothes off again and again,” Delphine pointed out, finally picking a bottle. 

Cosima looked at her, perplexed. “So when are we going shopping then?” 

Laughing, Delphine asked, “Do we need anything else?” 

“To go home and shower,” Cosima answered bluntly. “But some snacks for tonight would be good.” 

“That’s right… and maybe something sweet too.” 

“We already have you, though,” Cosima said, making Delphine smile ridiculously for the nth time in a span of just a few hours. 

Cosima kept up the flirty act the entire day. When they arrived home, Delphine told her, “I need to get in that shower this instant.” 

“So what are we waiting for then?” Cosima asked, taking her sports t-shirt off. 

-.-.-.- 

They were sitting on the couch, a blanket covering both of them. They found a channel which aired a documentary about the latest surgical researches, and they were really into it. At least, Delphine was. 

Out of the blue, Cosima asked her, “Will you play for me?” 

Having focused really hard at the doctor talking about how can cancer recidivate, at first she didn’t catch Cosima’s question. But she did hear her talk, so she asked her to repeat. 

“I just wanted to…” Cosima tried, but it seems like she had a hard time asking again. “Would you… play for me?” 

Delphine froze; she tried not to look petrified, but for some reason, playing in front of other people wasn’t as satisfying as she wished it would be. 

“But you don’t have to,” she quickly reassured her. “I just wanted to hear you, but if it makes you nervous you don’t have to.” 

Delphine shook off those absurd thoughts. Standing up, she said, “Of course I want to. Which instrument?” 

Propping her arms on the couch’s backrest, she looked at the two instruments. After considering between the black piano or the acoustical guitar, she finally said, “Piano.” 

Delphine fished through her charts, thinking which song would fit best. Eyeing Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”, she smiled and put the paper in front of her. She remembered this one distinctly; she could even sing it. 

And she did. 

She started playing the soft, melancholic tune and as her voice came in the combination, she slowly became more gallant. As the song started its crescendo, she even forgot about her surroundings, about Cosima listening; everything around her became still, as she was drawn in the melody, in its musicality. Her fingers didn’t need dictating anymore, they danced by themselves along the piano’s glossy keys. She found no trouble in matching her voice with the piano sounds, despite the fact that she hadn’t actually sang in a while. 

Besides occasionally glancing down at her hands, she kept her eyes closed, unable to do otherwise. 

Pressing down on the keys for the last notes, she smiled to herself before looking at Cosima. 

And when she turned her head to face her, she was in the same position, her head on her arm. She simply smiled; tears were filling her eyes again. 

“So… what do you think?” Delphine asked after seeing Cosima was silent. 

Lifting her head, she asked, “Why were you ever afraid?” 

“It’s hard to sing or play in front of someone for me,” she admitted. 

“That was unlike anything I’ve ever heard, and I mean that genuinely. Your voice is… it’s so clean and angelic,” she told her. Delphine was dismayed. No one ever characterized her like that. “I suppose you sound as angelic as you look.” 

Going back to the couch, she sat down on the wide armrest. 

“Are you sure you’re not just in love, darling?” she asked Cosima who shifted her position in order to face Delphine again. 

“Pretty sure, yes. My musical taste is never wrong,” she warned her. 

Grazing her cheek, Delphine looked at her and smiled. She kissed her, showing her how much she appreciated her words. 

“Can you play more? We still have time,” Cosima asked, and Delphine glanced at the clock. 

11 PM. 

And she showed her more of what she knew, more of what she could do and of what she rediscovered she loved doing. Until the alarm let them know there were ten more minutes before the new year came, Delphine continued to sing for her lover, songs she had started missing since she stopped practicing her musical part. 

“It’s time,” Cosima told her after a final song. 

“Let’s get our coats,” she said. 

They decided to go on the block’s rooftop, from where they could see far into their city, and, most importantly, the fireworks. 

Every resident from the block had a key and could go up there anytime. The big roof had a fence around its edges, and even a couple of benches. 

Delphine knew they weren’t going to be the only ones up there, but she wasn’t bothered. She was in good terms with most of her neighbors, at least the ones who were there, waiting for the firework show. 

They went towards a corner of the roof, and leaning into the railing, they admired the view. It was a vast landmass, full of flickering lights from buildings and cars. Even from up there people could be seen outside, and that night they were filling the streets of Montréal. 

Delphine had gone up there several times, at day, at night, at dusk and dawn, she was accustomed to it. It still stunned her every time, but Cosima seemed astonished at the view. 

“This is incredible,” she kept repeating. 

“Have you never seen Montréal from a rooftop?” she asked. 

“Not really, but this is… this is fantastic,” she said, starting to shiver. 

Moving behind her, Delphine put her arms around Cosima, warming her as much as she could. 

In those last ten minutes, they stayed in silence almost entirely. Delphine thought back at the year she had, she thought back of all the things she’d gone through, the experiences she’d had. Starting off her residency, dealing with patients as a superior, helping Chelsea through her illness, and… meeting Cosima was, obviously, the highlight of her year. The highlight of the last few years, even. With Cosima by her side, she was truly happy, she could say that in the mornings she finally woke up smiling, something she never believed she could accomplish anymore. 

Kissing the back of her neck, they listened as the group behind them started counting down from 20. 

When they reached 10, Cosima turned to face her lover, smiling broadly at her. 

“9, 8, 7…” 

She reached out, touching her face. 

“5, 4, 3…” 

She pulled her closer, until they could see nothing else but the other’s eyes. 

“2, 1, Happy New Year!” 

She kissed her earnestly; they were enthralled with each other. 

As the fireworks were propelled up in the air, they parted, each smiling with their eyes still closed. 

“Happy New Year, mon amour,” Delphine wished her, pulling her in an embrace. 

They watched as the colorful fireworks lit up the sky, the stars shining in the background. Reaching for her hand, Cosima held her close, like she would leave any second now. 

Not yet, at least. 


	22. When It Hits You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Delphine experiences a hectic day with a lot of mood swings and even some tears. After receiving overwhelming news, things seem to start collapsing.

_It was hard fighting, fighting not to fall again. Standing on her feet was harder than ever._

_She was doing it with step by step. Now she let out those nerves in a different way; that stupid rubber band._

_But she wanted to fight it. And she knew she could._

_She could do anything if she really wanted…_

_… couldn’t she?_

_So she sat down on her college bed, facing Chelsea’s empty one. She still hadn’t come back; some extended class she mentioned, but Delphine couldn’t remember exactly. Her mind was still clouded, still absent sometimes._

_She looked down at her hands; her left wrist was still bandaged. A white dressing was surrounding the thin hand which just didn’t seem like hers. Chelsea changed it every night, and all Delphine could think about was the fact that it looked like some outworn fashion trend, like a large bracelet._

_For her it came in waves; there were times when she was feeling neutral, but then, obviously without realizing, it came down on her like a big black cape, covering her from the world, from light and salvation._

_Her heart would start beating way too fast and way too loud. Her chest felt wrong when this happened and she could only hear the heartbeats like inadequate drums._

_Every thought, every memory would press down on her, and it was so, so heavy; she truly felt like she couldn’t bear it anymore._

_Her eyes were fixed somewhere far, filling with tears; she blindly reached to the tight rubber band around her other wrist._

_One, two, three, four, five…_

_She stopped when she reached five. Even though it stung her skin, she would hardly feel it. But somehow, it helped send those memories away._

_So she repeated._

_She repeated until it started burning, until her skin would be red again, but she would do it until those thoughts finally left her._

_Then she could stand up and go on._

-.-.-.- 

Waking up startled, Delphine made minimal noise, but Cosima still woke up. The memory she had just dreamed about was still poignant. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked, seeing Delphine was sitting. 

“Nothing, nothing, go back to sleep,” she told her. 

“Are you sure?” Cosima insisted. 

It was just another dream reminding her of one of her darkest moments; but she reassured herself, it was just another dream. That was no longer her life. 

So she nodded. 

“Come here,” Cosima told her, turning to face her. 

Glancing at the clock, they still had a few good hours of sleep. She lay back down and Cosima glued her body to Delphine’s, holding her. Delphine took her hand, bringing it near her heart. 

She managed to fall back asleep quite quickly, redirecting any bad memories that wanted to take away her tranquility. 

When the alarm went off some hours later, neither of them felt like they could wake up. Their weekend wasn’t even so tiring; they didn’t party so that they could blame their weariness on booze or too much dancing. 

But they dragged themselves out of bed, making it to the car in not such a bad time. Enough to avoid terrible morning traffic. 

“What happened last night?” Cosima asked when they fastened their seatbelts. 

“Just a bad dream,” she told her and she didn’t lie. “This wasn’t the first time I got it. And it’s pretty alright now,” she admitted. “Right after that dreadful day I kept having nightmares. Those were nightmares. I used to wake up screaming, waking up Chelsea every goddamn time. Not only did I almost lose my life, I worsened hers, too. She barely got any sleep for a couple of months.” 

“But I’m sure she was there for you, no matter what. She still is.” 

“She was, but I felt simply terrible that others had to suffer from my own troubles.” 

“I understand that, but if she didn’t truly love you and care for you, she would have probably left,” Cosima pointed out. 

She even told Chelsea that; that she should find a place where she could live alone and she wouldn’t be bothered anymore. Chelsea got so upset when she heard her talking like that; she wouldn’t hear it, at all. 

_I’m not leaving you, Delphine. I can’t do that; I won’t do that. Besides, who’s going to help you with bisexual problems and microbiology?_

That was one of the few times she had laughed in that month. 

“One of the several reasons why I care so much for her,” Delphine said. 

“I see it… her kindness, her devotion, she really has it,” Cosima admitted. 

Delphine had been so relieved that both girls liked and accepted each other; Chelsea was always important to her, and Cosima was growing to be someone important as well. 

There were two different types of love she felt for each, very distinct and clear. She knew she was very lucky to even have met both of them. 

When the elevator doors opened to their floor, they saw the Chief standing at the nurses’ desk. As soon as he noticed Delphine, he called out her name. 

“I’ll catch you later,” Cosima said, giving her hand a light squeeze. 

“Good morning, Chief. Is there any problem?” she asked, always a little nervous when she talked to him. 

“No, no, problems, just the opposite, actually. I have great news for you,” he informed her. 

“Oh, well there’s always room for that,” she said, half-joking, half-serious. 

He laughed and went on to tell her the apparent good news. “Dr. Cormier, you are a very hard-working doctor, one of the best ones around. You are thoughtful with children and people have heard only well of you,” he said as sort of an introduction. “Everyone knows the effort you make.” He even paused before saying the final part. “You have been awarded a grant to help and treat ill children in Nigeria for a period of three months.” 

He just put it out there, without warning. In a matter of seconds Delphine went through several emotions. At first, being unexpected, it hit Delphine, overwhelming her. Then she was perplexed; three months… in Nigeria… a scholarship? She didn’t ever apply for anything, let alone hope to win some sort of an award for her work. But then, she started realizing what this meant; being able to treat children in an area like Nigeria, helping out in areas which need it desperately… she was more than happy. This was her dream, this was everything she wanted when applying for medical school; to help out people, children, as many as she could, in places further off than just hospitals. 

And then she remembered she wasn’t alone anymore; she had people relying on her, in a way or another. And frankly, she needed them too. 

“I know this is rather a lot to take in. It’s Africa, it’s quite far. But think of the changes you could make in so many people’s lives. Think of the children you could help and the families you can save.” 

And that was exactly what was drawing her to it. 

He knew how to make it appealing to her. 

“I’m… rather speechless, sir. But I will think about it,” she told him finally. 

“Do think. And remember, Dr. Cormier, you’ve earned this opportunity,” he told her, walking away. 

She still needed a few moments to process the entire idea. But she was burning to tell Cosima. Going to the attendings’ lounge, her smile started growing on her face. 

By the time she got there, Cosima was almost already done changing. The lounge was empty besides her. 

“Cosima,” she called out. “I have news.” 

“What did he tell you?” she asked, and smiled a little too, since Delphine’s grin almost reached her ears. 

“I got this scholarship thing to go and treat children in Nigeria for three months,” she spat out. Realizing she wasn’t gentler with Cosima then the Chief was with her, she let her take in fully. 

“Wow…” was all Cosima could say as her smile started washing off. “Congratulations, Delphine,” she managed to say before standing up to arrange her stuff. 

Delphine was confused. “That’s… it? Congratulations?” 

“Well… what more can I say?” she giggled nervously. “I am very proud of you, obviously.” 

Delphine furrowed her brow. She stood up, closing space between them. “Cosima, I… I don’t think you understand. We could go out there and treat people who need us badly. We could change so many lives.” 

To her unpleasant surprise, Cosima took a few steps back, putting an awful lot of space between them. She stopped what she was doing, looking troubled, trying to tell her. 

And then Delphine realized. 

“You don’t want to come.” 

“Delphine, I certainly understand what this means, but… it’s not my prize, I wasn’t the one to work for it.” 

“That doesn’t mean you can’t come with me. We just started this, I don’t want to leave now. Not without you,” she clarified, trying to smile. 

But Cosima decided to put it all out there. It was the truth, in the end. “You’re right. I don’t want to go. I’m not in a place in my life where I could just drop everything and leave. Maybe if it were my scholarship, but it isn’t. And as much as I want to be with you every day, I’m not going to be the one stopping you from something you want a lot and from something you deserve even more, frankly. I can’t stand in your way.” 

Delphine didn’t know what to say. She looked down, her hands idle by her body. 

“I’ll… see you tonight,” Cosima told her and left the lounge. 

Delphine was left in the dark. 

Everything had been clear for a moment; they could go together, treat children, learn more about each other and continue to love each other as dearly as before. 

She sat there for a few minutes until a familiar voice brought her back. 

“I didn’t know she was gay.” 

“Me neither, not until that Niehaus grabbed her hand and just clang to her. She isn’t even that hot. I was pretty appalled, really,” Chase’s voice broke Delphine’s reverie. 

The other guy and him didn’t notice she was there until she stood up. Her brow was furrowed and her head tilted. She was fixating the two guys with an icy glare. 

“Shit, Delphine,” Chase said, and started tittering. “I- I didn’t know-“ 

“Don’t even try,” she said. “And wipe that stupid smile off your face.” 

Both guys froze. As she approached them slowly, she felt the heat in her cheeks rise. She felt rage overcoming her. 

“Pretty appalled, huh? I’m not even surprised you’re just another misogynistic man I _had_ to stumble upon in my life. What is it with you, really? First, you just seem so interested in me, but you don’t even try to get to know me. And then you’re coward enough to trash whom I chose to date? I think you should pay more attention to people -though let’s not immediately assume that you’re something other than straight, because that would hurt your ego-, more attention to the women you keep on chasing, trying to get in their pants. And if that’s not your actual intention, then excuse me, because all I’ve ever heard from you is how good I look.” Both guys were still frozen, too scared to even flinch. “But carry on. Continue to be ignorant men who only care about screwing someone. Just keep your heterosexism away from me,” she said and looked at his friend too. 

She started backing away, but she just had to say one last thing. And that’s exactly when Chelsea walked in. “And if I ever hear you say something bad about Cosima ever again, I’ll make sure none of you will be dating, or screwing for all I care, for a painful amount of time.” 

“Okay, what’s going on in here?” Chelsea asked, taking Delphine by the forearm, completely shocked by her words. 

“Just another waste of my time,” Delphine said and with a last glance at the two doctors, she stormed out of the lounge, realizing her heels were too loud for a hospital. 

Going straight for the bathroom, she couldn’t be more relieved that no one was there. 

She closed herself into the furthest stall from the door, unable to keep her tears in anymore. 

This day wasn’t hers; nothing was lining up. 

“Delphine?” Chelsea’s soft voice spoke. It even seemed like she was wary to speak. “I know you’re here.” 

Delphine sniffed, answering, “I’m here.” 

She was barely audible to herself, but Chelsea heard her. 

“Can I come in?” 

“No,” Delphine bluntly replied. 

“Then will you please tell me what’s wrong? Chase was too petrified to do it.” 

Delphine scoffed. At least she did that right today. 

“Please?” she tried again, hearing nothing from the other side of the door. 

“I, uhm, got this scholarship to go treat children in Nigeria. For three months,” she told her. The news couldn’t sound worse now. 

“What? That’s incredible!” she exclaimed and somehow opened the door. Dumbfounded, she asked, “Did you even lock this?” 

Delphine let out a giggle, tears rolling down her cheek. 

Chelsea kneeled down in front of her. “Then why are you crying, darling?” she asked with her irresistible British accent, wiping her tears with her thumb. 

“I got my life together. I got a decent job which I love, my parents are healthy and happy. _You_ are finally healthy and well. And I met Cosima and…” 

“Your whole world turned around,” she continued for her. 

Delphine nodded, crying another set of tears. 

“And you want to go and she wants to stay,” she added, getting the truth right. “But Delphine, I’m sure she wouldn’t stop you.” 

Wiping her cheeks with a tissue, she said, “Of course she won’t, but… I love her. I want to share my life with her and to see her every day.” She paused and the corners of her mouth went up in the slightest way. “I want to marry this woman.” 

Chelsea’s smile widened, looking so proud of her girl. “And what’s stopping you?” 

Delphine had no answer for that. 

She would have proposed… so many times she felt those words bloom inside of her. They came from her heart. 

And they stopped on the tip of her tongue. 

“Come on,” Chelsea told her, pulling her up. 

She let a few drops of water wet a tissue, patting the patches of skin under her eyes and her cheeks. 

“You,” started Chelsea as she focused on not ruining the minimal make-up Delphine applied, “are strong, you are capable, and you are loved, Delphine,” she told her, emphasizing that last part. “People won’t give up on you so easily, not if they sincerely love you.” 

“Thank you, Chelsea,” she said, hugging her, “for everything.” 

-.-.-.- 

Besides the emotional turmoil she had experienced that day, Delphine had a full day of work too. A lot of children in the ER, most of them with injuries and colds from the weather. 

She barely had time to check her phone, but when she did, she noticed she had received two texts. She opened the first one from Cosima. 

_“I finished quite early, so I’ll wait for you at home.”_

She suddenly felt bad that she had to go home alone. They had been going together for some time now. If one of them finished a little faster, the other one waited up. _Oh, she finished hours ago,_ she thought, noticing it was almost 10 PM. 

In the second one Chelsea asked if she could take her home, were she still at work. It was sent a couple of minutes ago. 

Arriving in the lounge, Chelsea was there, dressed up, but surrounded with about three piles of charts. 

“I wouldn’t have put you through the trouble, but carrying these with the bus is a bit tougher than I expected,” she told Delphine who was still a bit bewildered. 

“No, no, of course I’ll take you.” 

“You still have to tell me,” Chelsea said as she waited for Delphine to get ready, “what on Earth did you tell those two poor boys? You left them _shook._ ” She was smiling, but her voice was rather inquisitive. 

“Oh, don’t even remind me,” she groaned. “I heard them talking as they came in here. Chase liked me, right? Well, he saw me two days ago running with Cosima. She became a little… possessive, so I suppose he figured us out. Judging by his stupid expression, anyway. So this morning when he was talking to the other guy he homophobically mentioned my current relationship,” she told her and Chelsea looked like she was ready to fight him too. Delphine felt some sort of an anger rise once again. “He insulted Cosima… sort of.” 

“That son of a bitch,” she said, her brow furrowed. “I’m telling you, always being nice to anyone doesn’t take you where you wish.” 

“Sadly…” she concluded. 

The car ride was silent besides Delphine’s desperate sighs. 

“Okay, that is the 4th time in the last 10 minutes,” she told her, as the car pulled in Chelsea’s street. 

“I’m sorry, I just… I have to go home and talk to her.” 

“And you’ll get through it. You will figure it out,” Chelsea reassured her; to what end, Delphine wasn’t sure. 

After Chelsea shut the door to Delphine’s Juke, she waited a few seconds in silence. She waited for an answer, an answer coming from anywhere, anyone. 

She wasn’t one to drink her sorrows away, but this time she felt like she needed to think over a glass of wine, alone. 

She drove to Sammy’s bar, a place where all memories of Cosima wavered in the air. Pulling in the parking lot, she looked in the mirror, admitting she looked like crap. Then again, she reminded herself that she didn’t need to impress anyone. 

The bar was less crowded than usually, so she sat down on one of the high chairs, as far away from the dance floor as possible. 

“Delphine!” she heard Sammy greeting her. “Something happened?” he asked, noticing her frown, her eyes. 

Delphine nodded. “Whiskey neat, please.” 

“Oh… something did happen,” he said, as he started preparing her drink. “Are things with you and Cos fucked?” 

“I wouldn’t say that… but we might part ways for a few months.” 

Sammy had an expectant look on his face, waiting for the rest of the story. So she told him about the scholarship and what it meant. 

“Well, I have to start off with a sincere congratulations, Delphine. I mean, that’s big. You should be proud of yourself,” he encouraged her. Putting the drink in front of her, Delphine thanked him and let the alcohol run into her system. 

“Look, I won’t beat around the bush. I know Cosima. She would never stand in your way, especially not if she understands how important this is.” She looked at him, his blue eyes staring back at her. “And trust me, she loves you. She will be here when you come back.” 

Delphine felt emotion run her over. Again, tears glistened. 

“I don’t want to be away from her,” she admitted, maintaining a steady voice, despite everything she felt. 

“Neither does she. But… this might be bigger than you realize right now. The number of lives you will impact… it won’t be overlooked.” 

Delphine let her head drop, her weary eyes closed. He was right. 

“I’ll tell you what,” Sammy continued, tapping her arm. “Go cure children. Go and save people. And when you come back home, don’t wait anymore and don’t hesitate. Put a ring on her finger.” 

Delphine smiled. She even chuckled, tears finally dropping on her cheeks. 

“I’ll make sure you get the first invitation,” she said. 

He smiled. “Do what you love so much, then come back and marry the one whom you love most. Deal?” he asked, extending his hand. 

She shook his hand, smiling further. “Deal.” 

“Believe me, the waiting will make everything even more exciting.” 

-.-.-.- 

As Sammy’s shift ended, he offered to take Delphine home. She couldn’t have been more grateful; she really needed that time to have a drink and think a bit. 

While she waited for the elevator to take her to the last floor, she kept on thinking what she would tell Cosima. 

Playing with the elastic wrapped tightly around her hand, she kept of thinking of ways to start the conversation. She thought of what Sammy told her. 

Apparently, a 10-floor ride with an elevator is nowhere enough for someone to settle their thoughts. 

As she opened the door to her apartment, she entered cautiously, like it wasn’t even her own. She was met with familiar sights only; a faint light coming from the kitchen, and the TV lighting the living room. The red coat was hung up next to her bag. 

“Hey,” said Cosima. She was standing behind the wall, only her hand and her head peeking from the other room. 

Delphine looked up. She tried to smile. “Hi…” 

This atmosphere between them… it was theirs. And it didn’t fit them. 

They both looked at each other as if they were afraid, afraid that any of them might blow. 

“How was today?” Cosima asked her. 

“Demanding,” Delphine admitted, heading to the kitchen. “Too many emotions for a day,” she added, without defining. “Yours?” she asked and turned to see Cosima. 

She was wearing her usual home clothes, dominating in red. This girl… always dominated by red. 

“I had a few deliveries. One of them unsuccessful,” she said and only then did Delphine realize she looked pretty beaten down. 

Walking to her, she said, “I’m sorry”. She embraced her, without anything else. 

As Cosima closed her arms around her, she realized how much both of them needed this. When it came to it, a simple embrace could improve anything, even if just in the slightest. Sometimes hugs are more effective than a kiss, more than words. 

And yet that apology Delphine said went further than a condolence. It reached the events they had in the morning, what their future looked like. 

She felt it develop into something else as they hugged. 

“Me too,” Cosima said in the end, and she was now sure about it. “Have you thought about it?” she asked as they parted. 

She has thought about a few things… what Africa would mean to her, how the help would go beyond the physical state of those children. This was one of her biggest dreams; to help people in remote, undeveloped areas. To show a brighter future to people who don’t even dare to imagine it. She had been thinking of it since she was little. 

But then she looked in front of her… she looked at Cosima, and remembered how she wanted to propose, to start a family with her. 

And her heart broke in two. 

She wanted both things so bad, and she couldn’t choose; she didn’t want to choose. 

“I’m sorry I’m putting you in this position, I really am,” Cosima told her, mirroring her thoughts once again. “But I really don’t want to stop you from something so big, from something you’ve earned. Go, Delphine.” Her tone was soft. “It’s just three months. I’ll be waiting for you.” 

Unable to hold her tears in anymore, Delphine hugged her again, vigorously. This time she held on to her like the world would break them apart. 


	23. Her Ephemeral Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ephemeral (a.) - lasting for a very short time.

Delphine had three weeks before she would have to board the plane to Nigeria. The uneasy feeling she had since the beginning never really left her, but she tried remembering Sammy’s words and the deal they made. 

They still went to work together, went on with their life, trying to keep their minds off the time they would spend apart. 

Rather than focusing on said time apart and mourning about it, dreading it, they emphasized the time they had left. 

Even this thinking pissed Delphine off sometimes, because it sounded like they were soon meeting a deadline, a breaking point. Something which was far from happening. 

Cosima seemed to be happier about her leaving with each day that passed, like she was hiding something. Delphine even vocalized this suspicion to her, because she hated keeping things from her. 

“I can’t be happy for you?” Cosima asked her in response to Delphine’s off-putting skepticism. 

“No, of course you can. I don’t know why I expected these weeks to be only frowns and useless tears,” Delphine figured. 

“Oh, no, darling, not from me. Not when something huge like this is waiting for you.” 

Every time she brought back the “this is a big, big deal” part it started to push Delphine into mistrust in herself. Everyone told her how impressive and how important this was that she started doubting herself, thinking maybe she wasn’t that good, and that maybe she’ll disappoint the people who will need her. 

She didn’t talk about these holes in faith to anyone, because they would just keep on reassuring her, and that’s not what she needed. She came to the conclusion that what she needed was to be faced with the problem, and start analyzing her abilities then. 

She had a few discussions with the Chief. He filled her in with some of the worst case scenario patients, what she should prepare for. She received some charts for a few children, to start going over fixes for them. 

Overwhelm was no longer in her vocabulary. She put that aside, leaving place for concentration and a clear mind. 

She and Cosima invited Chelsea over in the weekends, and even on some working nights. They looked over the cases she was handed, over the working area she would have, the local hospital’s utilities. 

They did this almost every time they met. Discussed patients and treatments, and sometimes their conversations evolved into something deeper. Wine never missed the discussions. Wine made, after all, a good companion in consequential conversations. 

“I’m part of the team they will send. There are some other doctors from other hospitals that will go with me, and they will also send huge packages of water, food, medication and equipment,” Delphine told them one evening, while they were sitting at the table, all kinds of files and papers in front of them. Three near-empty glasses were in front of each of them, having already finished a bottle of red wine. 

“It’s kind of impressive how they send so many resources. I mean, it would have been expected, of course,” Cosima said, glancing at the official brochure Delphine was given. 

“Well, we’re a team of ten, from all over the country, and each hospital is required to send a specific amount of resources. And it’s not just us. This scholarship thing is being awarded every year, so every year teams of ten from more countries get to go to such underdeveloped areas and treat people.” The more she looked into it, the more she was excited to go. And the more she found out about this project, the more she felt grateful for being awarded this scholarship. 

“It’s really something, isn’t it?” Chelsea said, her eyes focused on the papers she was reading. 

“Most of these cases are things I’ve treated hundreds of times before. Of course, these are much more different conditions, with much less hopes coming from patients and families.” 

“But that doesn’t mean you should have less hope,” Cosima continued. 

“That’s right,” Delphine said, giving a smile. “There’s a big number of diarrhea, malaria, pneumonia and such cases. Diarrhoea is the leading cause of death in under five-year-old children. 4 million deaths every year. And all of that can be avoided if caught and treated in time.” 

“Respiratory tract infection is the second,” Cosima said, reading the chart of a 3 year-old who suffered from that. “Difficulty in breathing, coughing, fever, it’s the usual symptoms but worsened by the environment and the conditions.” 

Delphine even started thinking about what she would pack, laying out clothes and essentials. As she put out more and more stuff, she started comprehending how much three months actually were. 

She has been with Cosima for more than three months and they went by quickly. She started thinking what waking up and going to sleep without Cosima would be like, what the lack of their conversations would mean to her, what the absence of their wistful intimacy would do to her. 

She had to take a step back and pinch her skin for the dreadful thoughts to go away. The longer she waited… the better she would feel… is what she always used to tell herself. Would it still be the same? Or would it create a crack between her and Cosima? 

This was make-or-break situation for them, she figured. If their love was strong enough to hold them together even while apart, then it wasn’t worth wasting more time. If they were still the same when Delphine would get back, she would pull out the ring without further waiting. 

A week before she would have to board her plane to Nigeria, on a Sunday afternoon, Cosima’s phone rang. They had had lunch with Chelsea and were now talking about the newfound lead to an HIV vaccine when their attention was drawn to the loud ringtone. 

“Hey, mom,” Cosima answered, a smile still on her face. As the call progressed and her mother talked more, her face transcended into something else. She frowned, her lips no longer shaped in the beautiful smile that characterized her. Her eyes lost the glimmer of bliss she showed the world, instead glistened by tears. 

“I’ll catch the next flight,” she simply said and hung up. 

“What happened?” Delphine immediately asked. 

She didn’t burst into tears. She didn’t start sobbing. She didn’t do anything. 

Simply, she stated, “My grandma passed away.” 

At first, none of them said anything. Delphine didn’t know much about her grandmother, except that she had paid an important role in her childhood. She told her episodes that marked her childhood positively, which dominated her grandmother. 

“Cosima, I-“ Delphine started saying something, but Cosima raised her hand, meaning for her to stop. 

“If you say anything, I will break. And I need to go,” she said, looking away from any of them, and instead at the same point in vain since she had found out the news. Her voice gave away no specific emotion, though Delphine could suppose what was going on inside her. “I need to book a flight and pack something,” she said as she got up and walked straight to the bedroom, more automatic than ever. 

Within half an hour, a flight was booked, she had packed a small suitcase and she still hadn’t shed a tear. 

A flight straight to San Francisco happened to be boarding in 2 hours, so she would make it right on time. 

All three of them got in the car, and none of them said anything the entire ride. Delphine, when she could, glanced a few times at Cosima and noticed tears rolling down her cheek, but she wiped them away swiftly, as if she was afraid of showing pain. 

Delphine even tried reaching out to take her hand, but Cosima pulled it away. She understood her, in a way. Grieving manifested differently in people. She was the kind to suffer alone, without letting others see her pain. Delphine was afraid of this specific type of loneliness because she would resort to other, more destructive ways of forgetting. The sun was setting down, disappearing behind tall buildings and peeking out between smaller frameworks. It was Sunday, but the city still roamed with people, people driving, people walking, oblivious to other people’s lives. 

They got to walk with Cosima up until the check-in, but she had to hurry to catch her flight. 

She hugged Chelsea, saying her goodbye, and the only thing she said to Delphine was “I’ll see you soon”. She kissed her hastily; Delphine barely detected any kind of feeling in it. Not pain, not love, not longing. 

She understood the reaction, given the situation. But it all happened fast. She didn’t have any time to comfort her, to help her through her pain or even to ask if she wanted her to go as well, to be by her side in time of grief. The fact that Cosima was a lone griever was clear, but… Delphine was left bare. As she watched her leave, nothing but a small luggage in her hand, it felt like she was being left. 

After she couldn’t see her anymore, she turned to Chelsea. She seemed to be doing the same thing, watching her as her figure became smaller and smaller, seeking some sort of answers to vague questions. 

“Do you want me to stay overnight?” Chelsea asked her at last. 

Delphine didn’t know what she wanted; well… she did. She wanted Cosima to reach out and talk to her. She wanted her to _need_ her. She wanted to be her shoulder to cry on, her support system. Truly, she felt left in the dark. 

Loneliness wasn’t something she wanted right now. 

So she nodded, and they walked back to the car, still not vocalizing any thoughts. Delphine’s mind was swarming with a bunch of thoughts. And she realized that while Cosima was suffering, she was thinking about her own desires. They were of a helping nature, yet seemed so selfish. 

On the road home they did start talking, about what grieving alone was like and how Cosima’s behavior in the last hour contrasted with her usual state. To Delphine, she was still enigmatic sometimes. She always thought of it in a way that whenever she finally figure out something about her, a new feature popped up, unsettling her results. 

It was ironic talking about death. What a bitter irony to bear. 

“I remember how I was when my grandmother passed away,” Chelsea said, as they stopped at a red light. “I couldn’t let my mom go, under any circumstance. That huge loss was compensated by my mother’s presence who, I think, also found an oasis in me. Look how that turned out…” she said harshly. 

As the last few seconds of the timer went by, and Delphine was ready to press down on the acceleration, Chelsea started singing, _“And after all, you’re my wonderwall…”_

Delphine accelerated her car, rightfully passing on green, proving that no matter how righteous you are, there will always be someone making the wrong move, sending you onto an undeserved path. 

The impact from the car’s right side was so hard that Delphine didn’t have time to process anything. She heard the windows break, but the sound deafened her, and she blacked as the car spun in the air. 

She did come to her senses, but that was only when a few paramedics were blocking her view of anything. She felt their hands working on her stomach, maybe swathing it with something. She felt something cold and slick run down on her head’s left side. Despite the pain in her head and the pain that felt like constant punches in her stomach, she tried getting up. Her first thought went to Chelsea. She needed to see her, she needed to see that she was fine. 

Trying a second time, she sat up, but she started coughing, coughing up dark blood. She couldn’t care in the least, though. Looking behind the paramedics around her, she saw Chelsea was lying flat on the ground, receiving CPR. 

She fought them to stand up, to go over to her. But they were stronger, with better intentions. 

She started screaming, screaming her name, praying to any and all Gods to make her answer her. 

She tore herself from the paramedics’ hands, enough to get to Chelsea to do what she used to think as useless. She saw enough trauma cases, and in all of them the close relatives would shake the victim’s shoulders, their face, demanding them to answer them, to look at them. It never worked, obviously. And now she did it herself. 

It felt horrific being on the other side. 

She touched Chelsea’s face, the blood coming out of her nose. She could barely see something because of the tears blocking her view, but she saw enough. Chelsea wasn’t moving; she wasn’t reply to her. 

_Please…_

The screaming, combined with the intensity of the impact, caused her to pass out again. As she faintly felt hands securing around her arms, her vision blackened once more. 

-.-.-.- 

When she woke up again, the first thing she heard was the beeping of the machines. Some muffled background noises. 

She opened her eyes, hardly, and it never hurt to do so as much as it did now. After opening her eyes, her head started pounding and she registered that crushing pain in her abdomen. 

At first, the plain, white ceiling welcomed her. 

“Delphine…” she heard her mother’s unstable voice. 

Looking at her, she saw her weary eyes, a sign of excessive crying. 

“Maman… what happened?” she said, barely remembering anything over the atrocious pain. Her voice was hoarse. 

“You… you were in a car accident,” she told her, trying to hold back her tears. “Apparently, this… incompetent man hit your right side, knocking you off. He had passed on red.” 

“My… my right…” Delphine mumbled, looking behind her mother’s figure. Then it all came back to her. Their screaming, the windows breaking, the massive impact… 

She remembered Chelsea’s white shirt turned red by the blood… 

Her singing that song… 

“Where is Chelsea?” she said, sitting up and somehow able to ignore that pain. 

Her mother tried to push her back on the pillow, but surprisingly, Delphine resisted her. 

“I need to see her. She was sitting in the passenger’s seat, on my right side. The impact was on the right side, I need to see her!” she said, barely able to scream anymore. 

Tears dwelled in her eyes again as her mother shook her head. 

“No, maman, she can’t die! She can’t leave me!” Her yell was more of a shriek now, closer and closer to losing her voice. 

“Maman… I need her…” she said through sobs. Her mother pulled her in, trying to calm her down. “I can’t… I can’t do this without her…” 

The image of Chelsea lying on the black road, lifeless, was the only thing she saw when she closed her eyes. She continued saying her name, like it would bring her back. Tears continued to fall, like an endless stream. 

Nothing would bring her back now, and Delphine couldn’t bare that thought. 

Her worst nightmare became the dire reality. 

-.-.-.- 

The next time she woke up, she dreaded doing so. She didn’t want to open her eyes; it would bring only tears. She didn’t want to face anyone or anything; it would only bring her more sorrow. 

And yet, a soft hand caressing her forehead brought her to unwillingly open her eyes. 

“Delphine… it’s time. They have to take her,” her mother told her. 

They took her in a wheelchair, to see her face for the last time. 

She knew exactly where they were going, these halls she knew like her home. It was where she usually took families to say goodbye to their dead relatives. To have their last moments. 

She figured one day it would be her turn, to face the inert expression of a loved one, but not this way. And not Chelsea. 

When they pulled her wheelchair right next to her bed, they left her alone, giving her a few minutes. 

A few minutes… 

A few minutes with this person whose youth, her future, her _life_ had been stolen from her. 

This person who meant to Delphine more than she could ever express. 

The person who saved _her goddamn life!_

A few minutes were nothing compared to the being that Chelsea was. It was nothing compared to the galaxy of moments Delphine shared with her, of the help she gave to people, of the love she spread. 

A few minutes seemed insulting. 

Delphine reached out, touching her hand. Her face was blank. Inert. She didn’t look peaceful. It’s like all the emotions, all the expressions that were once painted on her face vanished like that. Her lips were pressed in a straight line. Not one more time will she get to smile again, to open her eyes and live through another day. That thought ripped Delphine’s soul apart. 

With tears, she spoke, “I’m sorry, Chelsea, I’m sorry you were there. I’m sorry I dragged you through all of my shit, like I always did, and I’m sorry I gave back so little to you… I’m…” She couldn’t continue anymore, her head dropping on the mattress, next to her pale hand. Her sobs became uncontrollable, and she had no notion of time, but no one came for a while. 

This person had seen her at her rock bottom, at her absolute worst, and she was there to bring her all the way back to the top. When others would bail, when others would get tired of her problems and her issues, Chelsea was there. 

People came and went for Delphine. Most of the people in her life did. 

But Chelsea was a constant. 

They had been each other’s constants. 


	24. The Tumultuous Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following the bleak days from the accident, Delphine tries to piece herself back together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! This chapter, especially the beginning part, could be a trigger to anyone with a self-harm or suicidal past. Please be careful and proceed consciously.

_She shut the door behind her forcefully, leaving behind a loud echo. Not that she cared about the noise._

_She was out of her mind._

_No one was in her room._

_She locked herself in the bathroom, letting the water fill in the tub. Tears had been gathering in her eyes, but she couldn’t cry. She looked at herself in the mirror._

_Her eyes had never been drearier. The light in her eyes faded; she hadn’t smiled in a while._

_She looked anemic._

_Glancing at the blade in her hand, she didn’t see it as anything more than a means to let out… something. Not as a potential weapon, or self-destructive object; no. It looked like relief. She had gotten so tired, truly tired, that life seemed like something she was punished to go through._

_What did she do to get here? To get this life which didn’t seem to fit her in any way?_

_She was completely lost. Her soul and mind had long left her body; they weren’t recognizing each other._

_What made her whole were now separate parts, living in a lost being._

_The cold blade cut its way into the white skin._

You don’t deserve anything good, Delphine. 

_It went deeper._

Good luck finding someone who would bear with that worthless mind of yours. 

_Dark blood finally colored her pale arm._

She will leave you one day, too, and you won’t have anyone left. 

_Suddenly, a loud knock disrupted her matter._

Where’s your dignity? 

_“Delphine, open the door, please!” Chelsea’s voice was louder than the running water, but no heavier than her thoughts._

_The blade, idle in her hand, didn’t do anything anymore. The blood leaked down. The blade stood still._

_“Delphine, open the door or I’ll take it down!”_

_The voice started reaching her more now._

_She looked up, as if she had been broken from some sort of a lethal spell._

_The force behind the door grew. She was no longer knocking. She was banging on the door, most probably using body force._

_Unlocking the door by twisting the key, she opened it._

_After finally getting in, Chelsea met her eyes, and after spotting the blood, she didn’t have some exaggerated reaction; she hurried to give her something to press against the cut._

_She looked pretty, Delphine noticed, and despite the current rather critical situation, she noticed her short hair tied into an even shorter ponytail. She was wearing her glasses, and a white t-shirt with some comic on it. It was her favorite one, Delphine knew._

_When she started minding her wrist, she asked her questions, trying to understand why she’d done it. Delphine didn’t answer. So Chelsea stopped asking._

_She just watched as more and more blood dirtied her white favorite t-shirt._

_“I stained your favorite t-shirt,” she told her, her voice empty of any emotion whatsoever._

_“My t-shirt is the last thing that counts, Delphine, please… tell me what’s wrong,” Chelsea begged._

_It slowly came to Delphine, everything she had been doing to Chelsea, every messy situation she brought her in. She didn’t deserve her._

_“I’m so sorry, Chelsea,” she simply said._

-.-.-.- 

Four days had passed since the car wreck. All Delphine did was sleep, besides when she had to use the bathroom, or for the doctor’s check-ups. She didn’t need to eat, though she knew how important it was to her, but somehow, the necessity didn’t reach her through her grief. She didn’t want to do anything else; her will to do anything vanished for a couple of days. 

Still, her mother woke her up twice a day to make her eat something, anything. 

She didn’t talk, almost at all. 

She hadn’t cried since she saw her lifeless body. 

Yet, she wasn’t alone. Or at least she wasn’t _left_ alone. Her parents barely left her side. 

They even told her Cosima had called. She wanted to talk to Delphine, but Delphine didn’t want to talk to anyone. Not even to Cosima. 

Now she understood her lonely grief. Now she understood what it meant to not be able to talk to anyone without breaking down completely. 

Delphine didn’t want to break anymore, she was too scared to fall back again. Chelsea wasn’t here to pick her up anymore. 

Her tape and glue were silence. 

So neither Cosima, nor her parents forced her into conversation. On the outside she was quite, whilst inside she had lost her voice from all the constant screaming that hadn’t stopped since she opened her eyes and saw all the paramedics surrounding her. 

When, after a day or two, she woke up, she felt this sudden anger heating up inside of her. She had been mulling over things, thinking about the incident again and again, turning it on every side. 

Not that it would help bring her back, but it helped her ease into the situation. 

Besides herself, she traced everything back to the real person who was to be blamed here. 

“Who was he?” she asked her father, remembering the person who crashed into them. 

“A 46-year-old male, he was a drunk driver,” he said. “He’s in jail, waiting for his sentence.” 

She looked at him, dumb-founded. She glanced at her mother, and then back at her dad. Furrowing her brow, she questioned, “Waiting for his sentence?” completely enraged. “He shouldn’t be waiting for anything! He should’ve gone straight to prison after Chelsea was _declared dead._ Fuck prison, he should’ve been executed!” 

“Delphine, you know it doesn’t work that way,” he tried calming her down. 

“He _killed_ someone! How can we give people like this any more freedom? There shouldn’t even be a trial or a… a decision to make.” She looked at her parents, more furious than she has ever been in her life. They weren’t shocked, or angry like she was, they were just… dispirited. _“He took a person’s life_ by doing something he was nowhere entitled to do! He had no place being there, in that car, drunk!” She was screaming again. 

“We know it’s not fair, Delphine, but he won’t be getting away.” Her mother’s words didn’t help either. 

She shook her head. “This is not right,” she said, and tried getting out of bed. 

“Where do you want to go?” Her father stopped her, holding her shoulders. “There’s nothing you can do, Delphine. There’s no declaration to make. There is evidence that he is guilty, there were witnesses, there were other victims, too. He will be judged justly.” 

Her eyes teared up, but nothing more. Her reaction only consisted in what was going on inside of her. Because now she just didn’t understand the world. 

She blamed herself more than anything for having Chelsea in that car. Delphine wouldn’t have died either way, because the crash wasn’t on her side; but Chelsea would have been here, still alive if otherwise. 

She would have been taking care of her, of her parents, even of Cosima. That was her nature. No matter the casualties, she would share herself to everyone. 

Even more than that, and most valuable, she would still have a life to live. 

And Delphine blamed herself for taking it away. 

If there was one good thing, as little as it was, it was that she was healing. Her head no longer hurt and her abdomen had healed quicker than expected. But they still kept her in the hospital. Except, she knew it wasn’t for observation. She was a doctor who could look after herself. 

She knew they wouldn’t leave her alone, thinking she might do anything rash. 

She wouldn’t, though; not anymore. She realized it wouldn’t help her in anyway; she didn’t want to die. 

As much as she wanted to curse everybody and anybody for taking Chelsea away so soon, she didn’t want to go after her. If she did, she would’ve by now. 

So on her fourth hospitalized day, she asked to talk to the Chief regarding Nigeria. 

“It appears I have healed sooner, so there’s no point in abandoning the project.” 

“Yes, but-“ 

“I’m going, Chief,” she shot back directly. “I want to. I’ll be on the plane on Sunday.” 

He seemed hesitant, but he knew he couldn’t convince her into anything. He also knew that he shouldn’t; there was no point. 

Her parents didn’t seem as surprised, but were more halting about letting her go. 

“I’m an adult, I know the right decisions when I make them,” she told them. 

“Are you sure that you should be deciding anything after what happened?” her father asked. 

“I need to leave.” 

Those words seemed to be enough for them to understand where she is. 

She was in a place where she couldn’t be alone. She couldn’t spend a night in her apartment alone, she couldn’t step in Chelsea’s apartment, and she couldn’t stay in this city without either of them. She had to leave from familiarity. Her most commonly frequented places were places where Chelsea once walked, and she wasn’t ready to part with those memories. 

She wasn’t going to take Cosima away from her family; she was going to leave anyway. 

She spent all her remaining nights in the hospital, charting, catching up with the work she had, at least before she left. She did her best at not reliving significant moments, at not thinking about her. 

She was discharged on Saturday, her stomach still a little bruised, but she went home to pack her things. 

When she opened the door, everything was like it had been left the last time. Empty wine glasses were on the table; papers scattered all over the table. 

Their bed was made, but some of Cosima’s things were in a chaotic state. 

She cleaned up everything, putting things where they belonged. She didn’t put much attention into her packing, almost completely indifferent with what she would be wearing there. 

She left her house in order. 

At least her house should be in order, if not herself. 

Every place she passed, her own home, the streets to the hospital, the halls of the hospital and the attendings’ room felt like they were still being frequented by Chelsea. 

And that’s what she hated. 

That’s what she couldn’t bear. 

She _had_ to get away, she had to leave until the loss didn’t seem so distressing anymore. 

Her parents took her to the airport, walking with her until the check-in point. 

“Please, take care,” she told them. 

“Oh, Delphine…” her mother told her, hugging her tightly. _“You_ take care. If you can, let us know when you’ve arrived, if there’s anything wrong. Don’t hesitate to talk to us, alright?” 

She nodded. “We love you,” her father told her as she embraced him. He rarely said that to her. But she realized how much she needed to hear it more often. 

“And please, if you can… talk to Cosima. I don’t think I can…” she asked them. 

“Of course, darling,” her mother said. “Go, save lives. Find your peace.” 

After she boarded the plane, finding her seat, she glanced outside the small window. 

Skies were blue, the conditions for flying were perfect. 

As she closed her eyes, her mother’s last words rang in her ears, heavy and loaded. 

_Find your peace…_


	25. Ad Astra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ad Astra - Latin phrase; "to the stars".

The hot air was the first thing that Delphine registered when she stepped out of the plane, which landed in Abuja, Nigeria’s capital. 

On the plane she met her fellow co-workers, from all over Canada. She tried being as social and open as possible, but it didn’t last very long. After two or three conversations with some of the doctors she was interested in meeting and a couple forced smiles, she felt the need to go back to her seat, and leave her headphones on until they would land. 

On the ground, they met the director of the project, a tall man in a white suit with long hair tied in a ponytail and a friendly look. He seemed overjoyed for the doctors’ presence, or maybe he was too joyful for Delphine’s element, as everyone else looked just as excited. 

No one there knew about Delphine’s loss, and it was better that way; all those “sincere” condolences never helped anyone, they don’t improve anything. 

On the ride to the hotel, they were informed of their route, their job and what they wanted to achieve in those 3 months. He used big words such as “gargantuan change”, referring to what the people were going to experience. The speech was emphatic, and it didn’t have its place near dying people of omnipresent diseases. 

When they arrived to a tall, fancy-looking hotel, they were informed that there will be a dinner a few hours later, in which everyone could meet other doctors, suppliers, assistants, and the board of directors. 

Delphine already dreaded going. She figured she’d be eating something, maybe discuss with a few people, but she wasn’t planning on staying long; she didn’t even have proper clothes for a fancy dinner. 

What she did want was a much-needed shower; the flight had been too long and those few minutes she had spent outside already heated her body. Nigeria’s annual temperature was 25◦C, and they came in the hottest time of the year, so it was clear the climate was something to put up with. No wonder so many diseases were carried. Her body would eventually accommodate with the sizzling temperatures, but it would take her a while. Indeed, the contrast between Canada and Africa’s climate was pretty huge. 

But she tried keeping her mind off any external factors; after an invigorating shower, she sat down and started looking over all the official charts that were handed around by a few of the director’s assistants. 

Charting… it would always be charting. 

She shook her head, setting her attention on the load of paperwork in front of her. 

After a while, she glanced outside her 4-star-hotel bedroom; buildings over buildings all around. Nothing different from her hometown, except for the landscape in the far background. She knew this wasn’t how her next three months would be looking like; she expected seeing poverty and situations in which she could intervene, in which she could finally be useful and do something good. 

-.-.-.- 

As expected, said poverty made its way into the picture when they traveled further north, heading towards Nigeria’s poorest state, Sokoto. 

As they were getting closer to their destination, more and more of the landscape started to look like the one Delphine knew. The houses, all smaller and more deteriorated from the weather and lack of resources to fix them, blended into the picture due to their ramshackle appearance. 

The difference was contrasted especially by the people. Everything from their clothes, to their unsound figures showed how much Delphine and the rest of the doctors needed to focus on their job. 

They were accommodated in a hotel close to Sokoto’s official hospital. Although it could hardly be called a hotel when put next to the one the group was first welcomed in. Of course, they filtered that out; it really didn’t matter to Delphine as long as she had a room of her own with a bed and a bathroom. 

The first official day, when they would start working, they were taken to the hospital. They thought they had seen enough sick people and little children on the way here and that was the situation they’d be dealing with; but they didn’t consider the hospital might be holding people in a much worse state. They didn’t know what “much worse” could possibly be. 

Truthfully, the admitted patients weren’t far from they had seen at home, disease-wise. Everything was worsened by their feeble build and the meager aspect of the hospital and its contents. 

After being staggered in each department and handed cases, everyone set off in different directions, heading to their new patients. 

Delphine was holding three charts in her hand, all with progressive diseases she’d been studying since before getting here. 

But this was new territory. No one here knew her or trusted her like her patients and colleagues at home, so now it was up to her to entirely rely on her own capabilities and trust herself. 

So she put her game face on, transcending into her objective self, work-focused; she took the first child, a 4-year-old with advanced malaria. 

“Hello, Mrs. Afia,” she said as she entered the salon in which her first patient was allotted. The salon had 5 more beds, all occupied by sick children and worried parents by their sides. Mrs. Afia sat on a chair next to her boy, who started smiling when he saw Delphine. Like hope suddenly blossomed in his future. “And you must be Madu. My name is Delphine Cormier.” 

She shook hands with the mother, and smiled at her son. He looked quite elated at her sight. 

“We are so happy you are here; you and all the doctors. When they told us this… project was happening… we were very happy,” she said, her African accent influencing her speech. 

“I am very happy to be here, and be able to help,” Delphine said. “Let’s see what we know about you, Madu. This paper tells me you showed many symptoms for malaria, such as headache, nausea, even vomiting and a very high fever, is that right?” 

He looked at his mother first, as if unsure whether to answer or not. 

“He was sweating a lot, with the high fever,” his mother added. 

“Y-yes… I was cold, but they told me I was very warm, which made me confused,” he said, his smile having dropped. 

“Confusion can also be a symptom. Did they administer anything besides basic medication for fever and nausea? Anything besides the IV?” she asked, glancing at the IV in his arm, giving some transparent fluid, most likely just hydrating him. Not enough, either way. 

“They mentioned something about some antima… anti…” 

“Antimalarial medication?” Delphine asked. 

“Yes, yes, antimalarial… but they said they didn’t have enough to make him well completely.” 

“And did they give him anything? In the first few days at least?” 

“After he was admitted, yes, but not the next days. I guess they didn’t have enough, and had to spare for everyone,” she said, looking down at her boy. 

Delphine didn’t say anything for a few seconds. 

Clearing her throat, she continued, “Well, we have enough now, so we will begin the treatment.” 

Madu’s smile found its way right back on his face, his hopeful look stuck in his eyes. His mother teared up, and Delphine saw that relief, that feeling of finally being able to hope. 

-.-.-.- 

That night, after the first day as a doctor in Nigeria, she showered, finally washing off any worries for the first day. She was able to communicate well with all of the kids and their parents, and she gave herself a tour of the hospital, trying to familiarize herself with it. 

When she stepped out of the shower, she looked in the mirror. She had dark circles under her eyes; she hadn’t cried anymore, but she hadn’t been able to sleep much, maybe three or four hours in the entire night. 

She glanced at her stomach; it was still bruised. Running her fingers over the darkly colored skin, it was still a little sensitive. They gave her some cream to put on the wound so that it could heal better, faster, but she left it home. Cream or no cream, it would heal either way. She was, though, careful to not carry anything heavy which might disrupt with her healing process. Even though there was no surgery performed over her stomach, the area could hurt a lot when pressure was applied. 

Her mind kept going back to it; she dreaded closing her eyes because when she did, she saw Chelsea’s eyes as their sparkled at her whenever she was happy. When Delphine told her about Cosima, when they would walk to the hospital together. She always urged Delphine to walk with her to work when spring days came by, and mornings started being warm and pleasant. 

It gives you the best start to the day you can possibly wish for. 

She was right. Delphine always felt stimulated by the bright sunshine and the flowers blossoming on the trees planted on each street. 

Her eyes brightened whenever she talked about something she was passionate; as any person’s did. Chelsea’s were special, they spoke to her in a different way, because they got her out of her toxic state. 

How much she missed those eyes… 

That’s when she saw when she closed her own. So she didn’t. She didn’t close her eyes, and instead, she walked to the window since then and started counting the stars. When there was a starry night she would just sit by the window and count the astronomical bodies. She would get lost in looking at them and thinking about them, about their chemical construction and their place in this world. 

So, on her first night in her ragged room, she sat down on a chair, looking out the opened window. Without realizing it, she found the brightest star, and started talking to it. 

“I really miss you, Nichols,” she said, looking at the star. “I’m… I’m quite happy to be here. There’s a lot to do, a lot of people to help, and I am happy to be able to do so. It helps me. Takes my mind off… you know…” She hesitated a little, as if Chelsea was right in front of her, judging her. “I know it’s my fault, I… I’m sorry that you were there. As always, you were with me and something bad happened.” She looked down at her hands. “But this was different… this cost your life. And I’ll never be able to give that back to you.” 

She remained silent for a few minutes. She wanted to give Chelsea some time to forgive her. 

After a while, she said, “I hope Cosima understands me. I hope she understands the space I needed. I know that, uhm…” She smiled a little. “I know you’d beat my ass for leaving like this, not even talking to her. But you have to understand… you leaving took me back a little. You were my support system, so the one I need most right now is… you.” 

She looked back at the star, and she already heard Chelsea yelling at her. “I know! I know Cosima is there for me. But it takes some time for my stupid mind to adjust to the fact that someone really loves me, and wants me like that. Not to mention the fact that she cares. It’s new, you know?” 

She imagined what Chelsea would say now. She would still call her an idiot for wasting her time, and not reaching out to Cosima. 

“I think I need to heal on my own for some time.” She looked around, and then back at the star. “This is all new. I had to get away from cognition, where I saw you everywhere.” A soft blast of air blew by her. “I couldn’t stay there, not without any of you two.” 

She got caught up in letting her feelings out to the brightest shining star, that she didn’t realize how much it had helped her. It was a pretend conversation with Chelsea, but it felt more than valuable to pretend she was listening, because, maybe, she was. 

So when she lay down on the bed, sleep came a little easier than before. 

-.-.-.- 

The next morning she realized how much easier getting ready without any optional features took. Just dressing up and going to the bathroom took a little over 5 minutes. If she were at home, she would busy herself with applying make-up, fixing her hair, spending too much time over deciding what to wear. 

Now, she randomly picked out something, and without all the “beautifying” occupations, she was downstairs in the dining room in 10 minutes, after waking up. She opted to put her hair in a ponytail, doing as much as she could to avoid more warmth. Make-up was the least of her worries these days, anyway. 

The dining room had a self-serving system, with two food options. She started feeling a bit like in high-school again, where she would sit in the cafeteria with the few friends she had. Now, she sat down at an empty table. There were a few other people at random tables, sitting either alone, or accompanied by fellow colleagues. 

Not long after she had started eating, some figure sat down in front of her. Her eyes were fixed on her meal, so she didn’t register who it was only after looking up. Smiling, a man in his late 30s sat down, facing her with eyes that foreshadowed all the talking he would do. They sparked with curiosity. 

“Can I help you?” Delphine asked, seeing he said nothing. 

“Dr. Cormier, right?” he finally asked. 

“That’s me. And to whom do I owe the pleasure?” She put her spoon down, not interested in discussion, but seeing no way out until she would finish her breakfast. 

“I’m Steve Hart, cardio, coming from Vancouver,” he proudly spoke. 

Again, he remained quiet, like it was Delphine’s turn to add something to a conversation she could not place. 

“Pleased to meet you… may I be of any assistance?” she inquired again. 

“I was just really interested in meeting you. I think I met some of your former patients. Mrs. Fischer?” 

Delphine nodded, remembering the lady whose labor lasted almost 9 hours. 

“Mr. O’Brien and his son, Michael? Ms. Rodriguez?” 

Delphine nodded again, her memory certainly lighting up at Valentia Rodriguez’s name. But, she started worrying. 

“Are they… alright? Something bad happened?” 

“Oh, no, no. Valentina, for example, is my friend from childhood. We still keep in touch. When she gave birth to Aurora, we met some time after the delivery. She’s gorgeous, Aurora… she praised you a lot. Said how good you were during the labor and the delivery, even the post-natal days.” 

“Well, I wasn’t the only doctor on the case. The one who delivered her baby, Cosima Niehaus, she did just as good of a job as I did; if not even better,” she admitted. 

He nodded, his smile still pinned on his expression. “Well, it was nice meeting you; I hope I’ll see you around,” he said, standing up and leaving as suddenly as he came. 

Delphine was left with a confused expression, puzzled by this man’s rather weird behavior. She hadn’t written any papers, or won any award besides this grant to be able to be admired by others, not in her opinion. It’s true that she worked quite well with her patients, but she did it even better since she had formed that team with Cosima. 

But Steve Hart left her mind soon after leaving, because she had other concerns on her mind. 

-.-.-.- 

The rest of the week unfolded without anything special happening. 

She started Madu’s treatment with the antimalarial medicine, and her other patients were also on the right track due to her constant supervision and intervention when the slightest changes showed. 

She didn’t really befriend anyone, but she became acquainted with some of the people she previously talked to. Steve Hart tried talking to her again, without any specific outcome. He didn’t show any certain interest in Delphine romantically, and she thanked any and all gods for that. That’s the last thing I need now. 

In the evenings she talked to the stars again, imagining Chelsea sitting on a chair, her legs crossed, listening to her. She wanted nothing more than to hear from her, to hear how she’s doing; so, she just kept telling her how her days went, how she felt inside. 

One night, as she lay in her bed, a light sheet over her, but she still couldn’t seem to fall asleep, not even after talking to Chelsea. Cosima’s last words to her suddenly replayed in her mind. 

I’ll see you soon. 

What did “soon” mean? Did she really mean those 3 months spent in this godforsaken country? 

She slowly started needing her. 

She had her details memorized, the color of her eyes was tattooed in her mind. 

I’ll see you soon. 

She couldn’t have guessed in her wildest dream what Delphine would stumble upon, whether she would see her soon or not. 

And yet, now, when she sat in her modest room, lit by the moon’s powerful reflection, those words seemed like a promise. A simple, almost meaningless pledge, which assured her of something, nonetheless. 

And that helped her close her eyes and fall asleep. 

\- 

When she was charting the other morning, at the nurses’ desk, the phone started ringing but she didn’t acknowledge it until her name was called out. 

Surprised, she looked up from the chart of numbers, to the nurse who called out her name, and was looking at her. 

“There’s someone calling for you, Dr. Cormier,” she said. “A Dr. Niehaus?” 


	26. Her Nepenthes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nepenthes (n.) - a drug described in Homer's Odyssey as banishing grief or trouble from a person's mind.
> 
> Or, in Delphine's case, it's people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First the stars helped Delphine take a step further towards an ameliorative state, and now people would unconsciously step in too.

“Dr. Cormier, would you like to take the call?” the dark-skinned nurse asked, having Cosima on hold. 

Delphine froze. She couldn’t tell why, but she was suddenly afraid to accept the call. 

But in a matter of seconds, she realized she might regret not taking it later. 

“Uh… sure, yes,” she said at last and was handed the receptor. 

Clearing her throat, she said, “Hello?” 

“Delphine? Oh my God, I’m so happy to hear you,” Cosima’s familiar voice spoke. Indeed, she sounded relieved. 

“I’m happy to hear you, too. I… I’m sorry for not reaching out… at all,” she said. 

“It’s, uhm, it’s understandable. I… get it. But tell me; how are you? I mean, I would think you’re not at your best, obviously, but…” She sounded reluctant, very unlike her. 

“Not at my best… obviously… but I’ve been trying to focus on working and helping kids. I tried not dealing with it, or thinking about it much. I failed, though,” she said, looking absent-mindedly at the chart. 

“Delphine, I’m… I’m terribly sorry that it happened this way; that she was there.” 

“Yeah, so am I…” 

“Hey... you know it’s not your fault, right?” Cosima asked, sensing the self-guilt. 

“Partly. But I’ve been dealing with it,” she admitted, and she didn’t feel the same huge pang of pain when she thought about it. 

“You didn’t do anything illegal, he was the one who-“ 

“Cosima… it’s not worth analyzing it anymore,” she told her calmly.“It’s too late. I’m working on accepting it, since I can’t do anything else besides letting it eat my insides.” She was surprisingly steady talking about it. 

“Then… are you sure there’s nothing I can do?” she offered. 

“I’m sure. How are you holding up?” 

“There’s… too much death around,” she answered truthfully. “But I’ve been spending time with my family, helping them get through it, helping myself in the process.” 

“It’s hard, I know it is… but we have to keep our heads up. Face this shit show. Send my love to your parents, and Alison… everyone,” she asked. 

“I will. I really miss you, Delphine.” 

“I do too, so much…” 

A nurse interrupted their melancholia, tapping Delphine’s shoulder. 

“Dr. Cormier, excuse me, your patient, Madu Afia, is seizuring,” she informed her. 

Merde, no, no… 

“I’ll be right there,” she told her. “Cosima… I’m sorry, but I have to go.” 

“Of course, go, save ’em,” she said and Delphine heard that cheeky smile of hers creeping on her face. 

This phone call gave her some sort of a… boost. Hearing her made it a little better, made her a little stronger, and a little more hopeful for the future. 

But not for Madu, maybe. 

He was having seizures, possibly showing that the medication wasn’t effective enough. 

They turned him on his side, until the seizures would end. His mother was removed from the salon; parents never reacted well to such sights, obviously. They administered medication to stop seizures, and now they had to wait until he would wake up. 

“What does this mean, Dr. Cormier?” Mrs. Afia asked when she was allowed back in. “Is the medicine not working?” 

“It means that the malaria might be too advanced and he has to fight it more than originally thought. But we’ll have to administer a higher antimalarial dosage.” 

“Maybe the medicine is problem? Maybe his body is allergic?” 

“Highly unlikely, since none of his labs showed so. He had been given that small dosage when he was first admitted and he didn’t have allergic reactions. Now the seizures indicated us that the malaria isn’t going away as swiftly as we hoped.” 

She looked beaten down. To see her child taken down by this prominent disease… it was disheartening. 

“This is not the end, Mrs. Afia. He is still here, we are here, and we are not going home anytime soon.” 

-.-.-.- 

When she left the salon from her patient with measles, she bumped into Steve Hart, as she was looking into a chart, writing down the 7-year-old girl’s latest check-ups. She was the first one to heal quicker than the rest, and Delphine was liberated her treatments finally showed veridical results. 

“Oh! Excuse me, Dr. Cormier. I was distracted,” he spoke first. 

“And I, busy,” she said, looking back at the chart, unbothered by the distraction and continuing to write down the numbers until they wouldn’t slip away from her mind after some puzzling conversation with the cardiothoracic doctor. 

“Right… that’s why we’re here, isn’t it?” he continued, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

“That’s right…” she said, a little distracted by the contrasting number on the charts. Her temperature seemed to be a little elevated. 

“We should chat one evening; get to know each other. We will be here for more than two months, after all,” he suggested and Delphine rejected him almost right away. 

“Sorry, I’m taken,” she shot back, looking at him and studying as his eyes went from a relaxed state to a dismayed expression. 

“Oh, no, no! That’s not what I meant; at all. I’m taken too, see?” he said, showing a simple, golden band around his ring finger. 

Delphine nodded, and she didn’t know what to say other than a confused “Congratulations”. 

He laughed and then added, “It wouldn’t hurt to have a friend around here, is all I’m saying.” 

Delphine admitted talking to someone new, other than her patients and the stars, might be a helpful advance in her healing. 

“Sure, all right,” she agreed, finally looking up to him. 

\- 

They met later that evening, in the dining area, where they had been served a simple, yet consistent dinner. Steve Hart turned out to be an interesting guy to talk to, after all. 

“After serving in the army for four years, I came back home and was able to follow my mighty dream of becoming a cardio surgeon and fixing people’s hearts. It’s such a complex and captivating organ. I never had any trouble studying it, because it was so intriguing to me. It still is, the wonders a heart can do.” 

“How did your parents feel about you becoming a doctor?” Delphine interested. 

“Oh, they couldn’t be prouder. Once I got into med school they called every contact in their phone and told them the big news. To me it wasn’t as surprising; it never seems such a big deal for students. Somehow the parents always over-exaggerate and make it a bigger deal than it is. I mean you know your worth, how much you can carry and how far you can go, so it truly is up to you when you apply for a school, because you know you have your place there. But they’re proud, they’re proud in seeing their kid evolve and win and do great in life.” He didn’t wait for an answer. “I mean, I see it in myself, in how I react to my kid’s winnings. I’m really proud whenever he wins some stupid spelling bee contest. But it’s not really stupid to him, you know? It forms him.” 

Delphine nodded. “You have a son?” 

“Yeah, Cody. He’s 10. He really likes spelling bee contests. I love helping him train for them. It bonds us, you know? I mean the bigger he grows, the more he discovers technology and internet, the less time he spends with his old and boring parents,” he told her with an amusing tone. 

Delphine smiled. She could really see herself doing that. All of that. 

“And your wife?” she asked further. 

“Her name is Victoria, and she’s the smartest, kindest woman I’ve ever met. She’s an incredible mother to our child, and very understanding with me. I don’t think any wife would just let her husband leave for three months over the ocean. It is for a good deed, but it’s a long time.” Steve spoke with this excitement; pretty much every time they spoke, he never failed to smile. And yet how much smiles could hide… 

“I understand that part…” she said, and took a gulp of her water. 

She missed her wine sometimes, but she discovered water would make it work. 

“What about you? Who’s waiting for you at home?” 

She wavered a little. 

“Come on, I shared half of my life with you, I get nothing from you?” he asked, laughing. 

“Just half, huh?” 

“Of course, I’m saving the rest. We have 2 more months,” he joked. 

Delphine chuckled a little, and then figured she might as well tell him. She wouldn’t stay without any human connection for the rest of this scholarship. 

“I have a… a girlfriend, I suppose you could say. But she’s more than that. I don’t like the term ‘girlfriend’, like we’re in high school,” she confessed, and waited for some judgmental reaction. At least that was what she got the last time a guy found out about it. 

“Soon-to-be-wife maybe?” he asked and surprised Delphine with his casualness. 

But she smiled, remembering Sammy’s deal. 

“Yes, yes, I suppose you can call her that,” she agreed. “It fits,” she said, finally looking up at him. 

“What is she like?” he interested. 

“She’s… compelling. Intelligent, provocative, stubborn, affectionate… considerate… she’s… she’s a dream. And she loves me. I don’t think I could’ve been luckier; honestly,” she told him, thinking of her charismatic aura. 

“What’s her name?” 

“Cosima,” she replied. She loved saying her name to other people. 

“Oh, the doctor who delivered Aurora,” he remembered. “That’s such a beautiful name.” 

“It really is, unique. Not as common.” 

“And… is something wrong? Something off-track?” he asked, looking a little confused. 

“No, no, why would you ask?” Delphine was even more confused. 

“Well, you’ve barely smiled since we got here. You haven’t really talked to anyone, or participated in anything they’ve arranged. I supposed something went wrong.” 

“No, not with her,” she denied. 

“Then?” 

“I… I lost someone very important. She was… uhm… quite substantial to me.” This was hard, she admitted. She hasn’t told anyone about her, and now this stranger with an apparent nice family got to know about the death of one of the most relevant persons in her life. 

“Oh…” He didn’t know about limits. “Was she your sister?” 

“Not biologically,” she said. “But it’s still rather new, and I…” 

“You don’t want to talk about it.” 

She shook her head. 

After a minute or two, he started conversation again. “So, how did you meet Cosima?” 

-.-.-.- 

Steve Hart turned out to be pretty decent, after all. They had talked a lot about Cosima, and it helped Delphine, at least not to talk about Chelsea, except that the talk, combined with the phone conversation with Cosima, they all made her miss more. 

She was sure to mention it to the stars that night. 

“Do you think it might have been a mistake? Coming here?” she asked, rhetorically. She knew no one was going to answer her. “I feel like I am doing an improvement here, a big one, but I start missing her… and it’s been a week.” She brought her bare knees to her chest. “Don’t get me wrong… I wish I could talk to you, for real, not just to hope you’re somewhere, listening. It can be a little… demoralizing. Putting my feelings out there and not having you answer; I’m certainly not used to that.” 

She looked somewhere far, beyond all the buildings and the few street lights. The sky was clear again tonight, and there was a full moon. It was huge. It looked closer than ever, somehow. She could see the black craters clearly. 

“You know… the last thing I ever heard from you was that Oasis song; I don’t think I’ll ever be able to listen to it again. I remember you didn’t like it very much. I think…” she started thinking harder now, trying to recall a story that tied them to this song. “Do you remember when Mr. Moore actually played this song once in class? I don’t remember how, but it was tied to our lesson. You put your head in your hands, tired of it already. How exasperated you could get with some things…” she reminisced, sighing, but she was smiling. “You really annoyed me sometimes. You always asked me which dress to pick, which jacket worked… but you never took on what I suggested,” she said and chuckled. Her eyes glistened once more. “You could be such a pain in the ass…” 

She looked up, but she was unable to continue talking anymore. So, she closed the window and climbed into bed, covering herself with the thin comforter, even though it was warm as ever. 

She shut her eyes, trying to block any image that might come by. 

Doing so, she just felt lonelier. 

_Find your peace._

Her mother’s words still jumped back to her at most random times. 

No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get there. She couldn’t forgive herself, because it was merely her fault Chelsea was there in the first place. She could’ve easily stayed at home, she could’ve waited for Delphine to just drop Cosima off and return. 

This girl who gave so much of her life to her, who sacrificed night after night just to stay in and not leave her alone. She helped her build her confidence back, she pushed her further when she got stuck and she stopped her when she went too far. She couldn’t think of anyone else who would’ve stayed by her side for weeks and not let her fall back into her dark pit. Many times Delphine felt like she took her for granted, because she could never pay her back. 

She was strong, smart, and she had the world at her feet. Her future could’ve been so bright, so full of the things she missed out on. 

Delphine understood the depth of the phrase “forever in debt” now. And she wished that no one would get to know it, because it felt suffocating. 

She couldn’t find her peace like this. The only thing she could think of was guilt. 

She found the elastic rubber band tied tightly around her wrist and started pulling at it. 

Would this feeling ever go away? Would she accept it? Because right now it felt like a burden she carried everywhere. 

-.-.-.- 

The gallery she was watching the surgery being performed from has gotten to be a place she now hated being in. It was filled with her anxious emotions and dark, fearful thoughts. There was no one else up there, by her side. She was watching the surgery being performed for over 4 hours already; the patient’s state had been getting more and more critical. 

There was no salvation. 

Her wrist was red from all the stinging contact with the black rubber, but she didn’t care. She didn’t feel it anymore; she did that unconsciously now. 

The surgeon performing the procedure was calm, way too calm for the outcome that was about to be revealed. He didn’t look like he was doing his best, not by far. The patient was a victim of two vehicles colliding, there was very little chance she would make it. 

As if the man had gotten tired of trying to save the person’s life, the monitor announced loudly the dropping of her heartbeat. Unpleasant shivers ran down her spine, aware of the horrific ending of this story. She ran out of the gallery, down the stairs and right into the sterile OR; scrubbing in didn’t matter anymore. 

“What are you doing? She’s crashing!” she yelled at the surgeon. He wasn’t doing anything. He was patiently looking at the decreasing numbers on the heart monitor. 

“Get the crash cart,” she ordered to a nurse, but she wasn’t moving either. 

Right as her hands touched the paddles, the monitor gave away possibly the worst noise she could ever hear. 

The endless, monotone beep rang in Delphine’s ears, declaring the death. 

She took a few steps until she could see the victim’s face. 

Chelsea’s expression was bare. No emotion; no relief, no pain, no feeling painting her once expressive face. 

As she started crying, Delphine reached out to touch her face. 

Another loud noise disturbed her concerns. 

Her eyes opened widely, sitting up in almost an instant. She looked around the battered hotel room she’d been occupying for over a week now. She started being used to its looks. 

That was a dream… well, a nightmare. 

She revisited the same nightmare for the third time now, seemingly unable to accept it. 

She looked around her, trying to find the source of the aggravating noise. Her phone was buzzing loudly. It was the ER. 

“Yes?” she answered, trying not to sound as disturbed as she was. 

“Dr. Cormier, you have an emergency. Madu Afia is having convulsions again,” a nurse informed her. 

“I’m on my way,” she let them now, and instead of sitting and thinking about him and swearing at his disease, she started getting dressed, while thinking about him and swearing at his disease. This was his second time having seizures. He was barely holding on. 

She had forgotten all about her troubling nightmare, hurrying to get to the emergency. 

The convulsions had ended by the time she got there; he was unconscious. His mother looked more worn out than ever. 

“Dr. Cormier… you said the treatment would heal him; it looks like it is only making him feel worse,” Mrs. Afia said. 

“I know the situation seems hopeless, Mrs. Afia, but it really isn’t. We can still save him, and we will. There are more treatments we can try for advanced malaria,” Delphine told her, trying to hold on to a little hope. 

“Is that what he has? Advanced malaria?” she asked, her voice pained. 

Delphine nodded. “Yes.” 

Mrs. Afia took a deep breath, gathering her strength. “What other treatments are there?” 

“Well, we could try administering artemisinin derivatives, which are another type of an IV. Or outside the medicated therapy, there is mechanical ventilation and renal replacement.” 

“Are you sure we have the resources to do them here?” she asked, clearly as unsure of their possibilities as Delphine was on the inside. 

“I’ll talk to them about it, and if not, I’ll try my best to bring them out here,” she offered. She did have some contacts. 

Mrs. Afia nodded. “Thank you, doctor.” 

She waited for Madu to wake up, so that she can talk a little with him as well. He truly looked like his days were numbered; that hope Delphine saw in his eyes on the first day seemed to fade bit by bit. He lost more weight, which made him even more weakened. She needed to push more. 

She stepped outside the salon and asked the nurse to talk to the director of the project, who, surprisingly, agreed to meet her in an hour. 

“He’s a busy man, you know,” the nurse told her. 

“I doubt that finances and golfing is more important than saving a child’s life,” Delphine replied frustrated. 

The nurse tilted her head, raising her brows. “It is, but we know so much loss here, that we hardly dare to hope high, like you, Dr. Cormier.” 

“But that’s why we’re here, isn’t it? To dare to hope high?” she said, handing her Madu’s updated chart. “I’ll be in the research lab when he arrives,” she said and the nurse seemed dumbfounded, remembering that they did have such a lab, but it was so poor with information that no one asked to use it. 

Delphine discovered it when she was roaming the hospital on her first day, in hopes of familiarizing herself with it. There wasn’t much to visit; the ORs didn’t have galleries, and those were only 4. The ER was small, and the ICU even smaller. 

She discovered the research lab on the first of three floors; every hospital had one, whether it stored patient information, or actual research material. 

She opened the door to a cramped room with a bunch of shelves occupied by dusty boxes. There was a desk with a chair, a lamp that most likely didn’t work. 

She started looking around the boxes, reading the little white labels. Finally, she found the box titled with ‘Malaria’. 

She hoped for anything, from discharged patient’s charts, to their own research papers, which was unlikely. None of that, though. Only old patients, dating from over 5 years ago, showing this lab wasn’t updated. 

She skimmed through most of them, because most of them related to deceased patients. She was aware none of this truly helped her, but she still had some slim hope that she would find something that would serve as a Plan C. 

“I doubt you’ll find anything of use there,” a man’s voice startled her. 

“Mr. Anderson, hello,” she greeted the tall man with a ponytail, the director of this project. “I was just looking for anything that might help me move forward with a patient.” 

“Dedicated, I see,” he said, walking in and leaning into the desk. “I heard you wanted to talk to me, Dr. Cormier.” 

“I do. I wanted to request resources for the advanced malarial treatment,” she said straight-forwardly, looking at him. 

He widened his eyes shortly, looking away from her. “Advanced malarial treatment; who’s the patient?” 

Delphine tiled her head only slightly, furrowing her brow. “Does it matter?” Was he going to make exceptions for some and nothing for others now? “He’s a 4-year-old boy who’s been on his deathbed for over a month now, and I am not going to let him go. I am not going to put him aside just because his road just got tougher, and I am not going to watch him suffer more from this diseases that is eating up his soul. He has a salvation, we just have to push a little further. Not to mention his mother, who never left his side once in these weeks, even if she has two more children at home, doing all the work while she can’t.” 

“I see your point, Dr. Cormier, I really do,” he said, vaguely impressed by Delphine’s words. “But you have to understand we’re not in Quebec where we can save everyone.” 

“We can’t save everyone anywhere. But we might as well damn try to.” She was enraged now, again. “What is this program if not to at least try to save everyone? Was your big speech from two weeks ago a lie? Just something to motivate the doctors? To lead them into thinking, ‘Well, I used one or two methods, I tried to save him, but it didn’t work. Oh well, I’ll just move on to the next one.’ Is that what you mean to say?” She realized she was yelling at a stranger who gave her the opportunity to be here, but she couldn’t control her irritation. 

“I think you’ve diverged from our initial subject here, doctor,” he said, keeping his voice calm. 

“People died because they had no chance to be saved! Some people are dying because they didn’t have the necessary resources to be saved, and I am here, in the middle of that. But if we do have something, even the slightest chance to save them, why are we waiting? Why are we hesitating? Every decent life deserves a chance to be saved, everyone!” She stopped, realizing how far she ended up. She stepped back, leaning against the shelves. She closed her eyes, sighed deeply, then looked back at him. “I know how I can save Madu, and I just need you to listen.” The calamity in her voice drowned, replaced by an attempt to keep on talking calmer. 

“I am listening, doctor.” He didn’t move, he didn’t change his position; he was still. 

“Artemisinin derivatives,” she simply said. 

“We have very limited resource of it and ten times the advanced malarial patients,” he replied. 

She clenched her jaw, abstaining from saying anything bitter. 

“Renal replacement,” she continued. 

“You must be joking,” he said, and he looked completely serious. 

“Do I look like I’m joking?” she asked, just as serious. “Last one; mechanical ventilation.” 

Judging his face, she said, “Let me guess; not possible.” 

He looked down. 

“Okay… uhm… what if I ask my hospital?” she suggested. 

“Special delivery drop for Dr. Cormier. I’m on board if you get your people to fly out the supplies,” he said. 

“I will,” she said, very determined to get them to give her a positive answer. 

He remained quiet for a few seconds. “They said you’d be persistent.” 

-.-.-.-

“Delphine, it’s nice to hear from you,” the Chief spoke over the phone. “How are things going?” 

“Everything’s fine; I just need to ask you for a favor,” she started, direct once again. She really hated losing time when it came to saving a life. 

“I knew I should’ve expected this day to come,” he said, but he didn’t sound annoyed. The opposite, actually. 

Delphine smiled. 

If she could do anything, anything do save someone, she wouldn’t hesitate. 

At least this way she could find something similar to her peace. 


	27. It's Sempiternal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sempiternal (a.) - eternal and unchanging; everlasting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last but one chapter, you guys...

It was one of those Nigerian, hot days in which the sky was a lapis blue and the sun was one of the hottest Delphine had ever experienced. She went down to the park to take a walk. 

She was waiting for the Chief’s phone call. He had accepted her proposition to send out someone there with the necessary equipment and he said he will be discussing it with the legal team. 

She knew she had stretched out some boundaries; but she always did for her patients. She hated loss more than anything, and she hated seeing the loved ones suffering, especially over young lives. 

This park was visible from her room, and she used to look at it every night when she talked to Chelsea. Healthy, happy kids came here and played tag with each other, jumped from the swings and laughed blissfully. 

This park was never empty and that’s what Delphine loved about it; it never got to feel lonely, because kids of every age would be here and fill the space with enthusiasm and life. Even now there were two little girls on the swing, talking to each other, chuckling carelessly. 

She smiled at that image. She smiled at the image of finally seeing two happy, vigorous kids here. 

After a while, her phone rang. 

“Good morning, Chief. I hope you bring me good news,” she said. 

“I am, actually. We will send one willing doctor out there to supply you with what you need. It will take, however, a week or two for your help to arrive.” Delphine sighed, relieved. She knew all the pushing will have a positive outcome. “We do have one question, though, and you’re on speaker with the hospital’s team, you know them. We sent you there with a bunch of resources and supplies to treat as many children as possible. How come you still needed more?” 

They laughed, and she was amused too. “Well, I didn’t have too many resources for advanced diseases, such as malaria. And this kids has been battling with it for a while now, I don’t know how much he has left. So I wanted to act as fast as possible.” 

“Right… well, it certainly sounds like you. Good to know our Dr. Cormier is back,” he said and one again, Delphine got where he was heading. 

“I never left, sir,” she said. “Thank you for this possibility. We’ll be in touch regarding the arrival.” 

She hung up, needing a moment. 

She really did it; more help than originally planned was on the way. She just needed a way to keep him alive until those extra weeks passed. She rushed back to the hospital, calling Anderson on the way. 

“Dr. Cormier, I suppose you have news to share?” he asked when he picked up. 

“I do. My contacts will be arriving in a week or so, but until then I need as much as a sixtieth of the artemisinin medication. It’s stronger than the antimalarial, it’s bound to keep him up until further help comes. You know I wouldn’t be asking unless it would be severely needed.” 

Hearing nothing as a response, Delphine added, “This won’t be wasteful, I promise.” 

“A sixtieth, you said?” he finally asked. 

“A sixtieth,” she repeated. Even such a small dosage should be enough to keep him breathing, for his young age. 

“He will be administered the medication, then.” 

“As his physician, I would rather do it. But I appreciate the help, Mr. Anderson,” she said, quite gratefully, even though she bore no resemblance in her voice to such an emotion. 

-.-.-.- 

Madu’s first week on the artemisinin treatment proved very effective, as Delphine would figure. His little system got a boost with the new medication and he was very contented about it. 

“Dr. Delphine, I always knew I should trust you and your medicine,” he told her one day, when they were having their morning check-up. 

Delphine chuckled, and his mother couldn’t be happier for his vibrant state. 

“Madu, it’s Dr. Cormier,” his mother corrected him, though laughing. 

“Oh, no, Mrs. Afia, I don’t mind if he calls me so. It’s new and refreshing, actually,” she told her. 

“So I can call you Dr. Delphine?” he asked innocently. 

“Yes, yes, you can,” she replied and was actually happy to hear her first name again. 

Besides once or twice being called on her first name by Steve, all she heard was “Dr. Cormier”. 

“Well, you are just fine. Your heart beat, temperature, all your labs are on track. How are you feeling?” 

“Very happy,” he responded. Then, his joyous smile faded into something less. “Although, I really miss playing outside with my friends. They are not sick and can play whenever they want.” 

His words reminded her of all the kids she saw in the near-by park and a wild idea stroke her. 

But she decided not to say anything until it was definite. 

Others would be ashamed to call Anderson, again to ask for something, but not Delphine. Rarely did she see the boundaries, and even rarer did she not break them. 

“I have another proposition for you, sir,” Delphine said, quite gladly, like she loved bugging him. 

“Shoot, Dr. Perseverance,” he said, and no distinct emotion could be traced in his voice. 

“A field trip with the kids,” she suggested. 

“Do you think that’s wise? Considering some of your kids’ state?” 

“I don’t mean all of them; I mean the ones who are healing and who have gotten considerably better. I can give you names, if you wish. And why keep it to kids only? I bet any patient would like to see a little sun.” 

“You do have a point. I suppose we could try and have a little trip with a few patients on the verge of getting well. But what if they catch something and it worsens their state?” 

“We’ll have safety measures. Sir, I don’t mean let’s take all the uncertain patients and keep them in the contagious environment. I say let’s take all the healing children who can’t wait to finally see the sunshine and to breathe some fresh air for the first time in months.” 

“Well, then… if you can arrange a ride and another doctor to join you, I suppose we could take a risk,” he said and once again, Delphine was grateful for her persuading skills. 

\- 

By the next day, she had a bus arranged to take her, Mr. Anderson and Steve Hart along with 15 patients out to a place close enough she had researched about. That way the travel won’t be too long, if anything occurred. 

That night she hadn’t talked to the stars, busy planning the trip and taking all the safety precautions. This whole deal took her mind off certain things, it even left her sleeping knocked-out, without dreaming anything. 

All the children were elated to go, especially Madu. The parents were slightly reluctant to let them go, but Delphine managed to convince them about the positive effects to this small road trip. And, of course, when the kids would give them those heartfelt expressions, it would be impossible for the parents to deny such a needed experience. 

When she glanced at herself in the mirror between brushing her teeth and fixing her hair, she noticed she wasn’t as pale as when she first started; a bit of color in her cheeks and some light in her eyes could move mountains in her appearance. 

“Good morning to the hero of the day,” Steve welcomed her the next morning, joining her along with three of his patients, being rolled out in wheelchairs by nurses. They were introduced to each other and they all shared their gratitude for Delphine’s idea and grit. 

“It’s truly my pleasure. I know how much any of you need this, and I’m more than happy to be by your side,” she spoke truthfully. 

Madu got to sit next to Efia, Delphine’s 7-year-old patient with measles. She was doing so well, she could be discharged in a few days. 

They all had to wear surgical masks, as one of the precautions. It was not an inconvenience, not anymore, not when they got to leave the dreary-looking hospital. 

“I see you are doing much better than the last time we talked,” Steve started, as the bus was on its way to the designated place. 

She considered his remark. “I do feel better. Madu’s treatment with artemisinin is working, a few of my patients present here could be ready for discharge, and, uhm…” 

“Did you talk to Cosima?” he asked. 

She shook her head. “We’ve had only one phone call.” 

“Have you ever considered calling her?” he suggested sassily. 

“Of course I have, but during the day I’m very busy and when I finish in the evening it’s too late to call her there,” she said, and hoped Steve wasn’t good with time zones. 

Unfortunately, he was. “You’re lying, we’re 5 hours ahead of Montréal.” He gave her a smile. “Why don’t you call her?” 

“I don’t know why… I guess… I guess it would make me miss her more,” she admitted. 

“I understand that. But that’s why I talk to Victoria a couple of times a day and to check on Cody, obviously. But hearing her voice more times a day makes me happy, and that happiness reminds me that with every phone call we have, I’m closer to getting back to her,” he told her. 

He had a point, too. 

But the ride to the lot Delphine researched about ended up being shorter than anticipated, so the discussion was sort of left on hold. 

“Alright, we have arrived,” Delphine spoke loudly as soon as the bus parked. “I’m going to ask everyone to sit tightly until we come and help you get down, alright?” 

She got a big “yes” from everyone; all the faces she looked at were jubilant, and they fueled her more than she could’ve imagined. 

The place they stopped at was a small garden open to the public, and they had a few benches, along with a bunch of colorful planted flowers and many green trees. Delphine was slightly surprised the garden was in such a good state, considering the environment. 

After helping everyone down the bus and settling some of the wheel-chaired patients near the benches, they let some of the kids who were almost completely healed walk around at the adults’ arms. 

Delphine took Madu carefully, even though he was more eager than anyone to sit up and walk around. 

“I am so happy to be here, Dr. Delphine. I cannot thank you enough for this opportunity,” Madu spoke politely. 

“I’m happy the treatment is effective; and we have something even better on the way to heal you completely. You and more children,” she promised. 

He started telling her about his friends, about how some of them died because of the poor conditions and how others were healthier than he has ever been. For a 4 year-old children, he was a well-brought-up one; his mother was always kind and patient, especially with the last treatment they tried. 

“She was finally able to go home and see my brothers,” he told her as they stopped in front of a bunch of pink roses. 

Delphine sat down on her knees, to be about the same size as the little boy, as he examined the blooming flower’s texture. “She misses them every day, but she still has to be by my side because I am too little.” 

“But she loves you, too, so she doesn’t dread being next to you, especially now, when you need her,” Delphine reassured him, even though he didn’t look like he needed any. 

“She does hate hospitals and doctors. She knows it’s not their fault, but sometimes, she still blames them for not doing everything they could to save our people,” he informed her. 

Delphine was a bit confused; she thought Mrs. Afia and her got along well. 

And yet, after having that first discussion with Anderson when she asked him about the advanced treatment, she understood how people here took action upon problems. Not pushing much. 

“But my mom does like you. You are the best doctor we’ve ever had,” he told her, and unexpectedly, he jumped in her arms, hugging her. 

At first, she was a little uncertain. She hadn’t had such human connection for some time now, but she welcomed it in fast. She hugged him back, and yet, like any child, he retreated faster than he embraced her. It felt a little insufficient, but she felt something. 

She finally felt something other than pain and suffering. 

She felt warmth, and light, and it started breaking the iron wall around her heart that had been formed since she let Cosima walk away from her in the airport. 

She smiled to herself, as Madu started telling her about how their ordinary days at home would unfold, when they weren’t in the hospital. 

As some of the kids started playing with each other, careful games, they promised, Delphine sat down on a bench next to Steve. 

“This was an excellent idea, Delphine,” he told her. 

“I see that,” she said, looking around everyone, constantly checking if no one is hurt or dealing with trouble. But no one was. Everything was going well. She was feeling like a teacher, surveying over her students. Everyone was smiling wider than ever, finally having a reason to do so. 

“What made you come up with it?” 

She told him about the park near their area and about all the happy children visiting it. 

“I genuinely think it might even help them heal; unless they won’t catch something,” he said, but he did it with a hint of amusement, because he was smiling. 

“They won’t,” Delphine said, trying to keep her positive attitude despite herself. 

Mr. Anderson had joined them soon enough, taking his place next to Delphine. 

“I must admit,” he said, “the risk is well-taken. Look at them; I’ve never seen them so happy.” 

“Maybe because you didn’t take the time to look at them,” Delphine pointed out. 

“Deep, but true,” Steve acknowledged. 

“Deep, but true,” Anderson agreed. “All your urging proved to be very effective. Look at Madu; he was circling the drain, and now he’s thriving.” 

“Well, thriving isn’t the word I’d use yet, but he is way better. I told you that sixtieth could do miracles,” she told him. 

“You did, of course, you did,” he said, and they all laughed, even Delphine. 

-.-.-.- 

They allowed only one hour to be spent outside, after which they had to return to the hospital. The patients were a little disheartened they had to leave so soon, but they were satisfied with the time they got nonetheless. 

When they got back on the bus, and Delphine was standing, counting if everyone was there, they all yelled a big “Thank you, Dr. Cormier” at the same time. Well, of course, Madu had to call her “Dr. Delphine”. Both combined made her smile until her cheeks hurt, a feeling she hadn’t experienced in a while. 

When everyone was out of the bus outside the hospital, Delphine was looking around her, checking again and again for everyone’s well-being. It had been a stressful event, but she didn’t show her worries. 

As Madu said something that made her laugh, she looked up and behind the crowd of patients, out of instinct, maybe, and her eyes met the most unexpected sight she could ever think of. 

About 10 feet away, close to the hospital’s entrance, Cosima was standing, looking right at her. 

Her glasses, her dreads, a red button-down shirt… all the familiar traits finally greeting her eyes. 

A simple, forever cheeky smile painted her face. Cosima’s eyes seemed to mirror what Delphine felt inside. 

Delphine’s breath hitched, and everything around her gradually became inaudible, and Cosima became clearer. 

For the first time, she couldn’t believe her senses, what her eyes were telling her. 

This couldn’t be real. 

And yet, when she felt Cosima’s arms wrap around her, warm and strong as ever, she was sure. And surprisingly, familiarity is what brought her back. Cosima’s unmistakable scent woke her, her voice in her ears made everything authentic. 

Familiarity in a far-off place is what helped her find her peace. 


	28. Ad Meliora

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ad meliora (Latin phrase) - towards better things.

The skies were white; not grey, not blue, but white. Even the sky was cold and distant. 

There were over 100 people gathered around Chelsea’s grave. A sea of blackness. Everyone was weeping, white tissues cockled in their hands. Everyone but Delphine. 

In front of her, Chelsea’s parents were crying; well, her mother was sobbing, as silently as she could. Not that she cared what people thought about her; der daughter was dead, for Christ’s sake, everyone was crying. 

Delphine’s parents, much like Delphine, did their crying in the hospital, right after her death. But it didn’t stop them now; they said it once, they would repeat it forever: Chelsea had been like their second daughter. 

Chelsea’s friends from college and from her social life were all holding onto each other, like they couldn’t stand on their own feet. 

Next to her, Cosima’s tears were falling on her cheeks silently. Occasionally, she sniffed, and that’s how Delphine knew she was still with her. She had told her as much as she could about the accident back in Nigeria, two or three nights after she had arrived. Cosima still couldn’t believe it, how it all turned around, how it all came to be. 

Delphine was still. She, for some reason, was neutral. There were no more tears left inside her. That burning guilt she felt for weeks after her death vanished away, little by little. She found her peace, somehow. She was sorrowful, though; how couldn’t she be? This death was something she could never get over. She would never, ever forget the life that was taken away. 

She was asked to talk, to say something; she was the only one that could, anyway. She dreaded having this funeral, let alone speak about her, in front of more than 100 people. But she knew this was the honorable thing to do; one more puzzle in finding that goddamn peace. 

When the priest had finished talking, he asked Delphine to step up and take his place. 

Delphine didn’t waste any time with any introduction of sorts. Chelsea knew who she was, who they both were. “Chelsea… she would hate this gathering. She wouldn’t consider it necessary, or even meaningful. She would say the people who came out here knew what each of their relationship meant to her, and to them, in part. But… how can it not be significant? How can you not honor the person Chelsea was without such an event? Sure, it’s one of the worst events you can take part of, but it’s significant nonetheless.” Everyone was watching her. She fought off that feeling of drowning in people’s looks. “All I ever wished for Chelsea was for her to see what she truly meant to the people around her. How her every little act of kindness and generosity changed our lives. I’m sure she did, at least once, to all of you. I know for sure she changed me… I know for a fact she saved me; several times. How will I ever be able to repay it to her?” She paused. God, this was hard. But she wasn’t chocking up on tears, not like everybody who listened to her. “I won’t. I’ll never be able to repay that, and that’s the hardest thing to live with; the regret.” Despite what anyone would have expected, she smiled. “I can actually hear her saying, ‘Delphine, stop being ridiculous. Everything I do, I do because I love you and I care about you. So stop worrying.’ I like to think that I would know what she has to say, and I think that’s what she would answer to that previous question of mine. And she’s right; if you really love and care about someone, there will never be debt. There will never be a hole to fill, because there wouldn’t be a hole in the first place. All the things they do, they do it sincerely, without expecting something back.” She paused again. And once more, she smiled, more genuinely now. “That was Chelsea. She was a young, restless, brilliant woman and she didn’t deserve what she got; her ending isn’t right. But we can’t change it; so all is left is to accept it. And while you do, while you fight your way back to some sort of normality, remember the person she was. Remember that she loved you truly, and everything she did for you she did because she chose to, not because she was forced to. Remember her, because she would remember you, too.” 

She got a round of applause as she stepped back to her place, something that wasn’t really accustomed in funerals. Some people even smiled when she met their eyes. 

“That was really beautiful, Delphine,” Cosima whispered to her, as she squeezed her hand, and Delphine smiled in reply. 

As everyone who wanted let a flower drop on her maple coffin, Delphine let down a pink rose. 

_So long, Nichols._

-.-.-.- 

The tall mirror in front of her reflected a vigorous woman. The white dress she wore barely reached her knees, but it was a gorgeous, Chiffon dress. Above her waist the dress had lace, and a wide cordon around her stomach. 

They picked out their outfits together, but they were still in separate rooms; some of that old wedding spirit they kept, because it made everything exciting. The thrill of it made Delphine feel even more alive. 

Her face was lively again, the color in her eyes back to what Cosima loved so dearly. And who wouldn’t, after all? The eyes always spoke for themselves, no matter what. 

She glanced outside the window; the weather couldn’t be more perfect, honestly. They wanted their small wedding held in a place surrounded by nature, far from cars and tall buildings; nothing fancy, but rather pure. 

They found a spot near the Moraine Lake; between mountains and forests, the sapphire colored lake generated a wondrous image, something they could not forget. 

She heard a soft knock on the door; her mother peeked in. “How are you, dear?” 

“A little anxious,” she answered truthfully. “But very excited. Did you see how beautiful this view is?” 

“It really is; you two couldn’t have picked a better place. But you… you look stunning, my darling,” her mother told her, as she admired her look. 

“I… I feel good. How is Cosima?” she asked curiously. 

Only the thought of her generated this stupidly warm feeling inside of her. 

“Can I say better-looking? Would that be mean today?” she joked and Delphine laughed. 

“I’m sure she is, though,” she replied honestly. Then she lowered her head, her smile fading, just a little. “That would be something Chelsea would tell me.” 

Her mother let out a small sigh. “Yes, it would be. And she probably does, only we can’t hear her.” 

Delphine nodded. “Is her seat...” 

“It’s prepared, yes,” her mother reassured her. After doing the last touches on her hair, she said, “It’s time to go. Are you ready?” 

She was. She really was. So she nodded, and her mother smiled encouragingly. 

They didn’t invite many people; their parents, Alison with her family – Brook with her baby girl were there as well-, Sammy, quite obviously Cosima’s best man. She didn’t have a bridesmaid; that would be Chelsea, but… she preferred no one if Chelsea wasn’t there. 

The chairs were placed in one line. For the small amount of people they would need there. 

When her father approached her, she saw his eyes tearing up. 

“Papa, don’t start, or I’ll start too,” she warned him. 

“I’m not starting anything; I’ve been doing this for a while now,” he said and they both laughed; it helped relieve the tension. 

“You look gorgeous; and I’m very proud of you,” he told her, and she knew that pride was bigger than just for the fact that she was getting married. 

She smiled at him. “Thank you. Is she out there?” 

He nodded. “She’s waiting for you.” 

She bit her bottom lip faintly. “Then let’s not keep her waiting.” 

They both smiled, and, holding his arm, they stepped out, walking slowly to the altar made out of rocks. 

The sight of Cosima stunned her, almost stopping her steps. Her dreads were held together in a bun, her make-up was as neutral as ever; and yet she glowed. She was wearing an all-white suit with black heeled sandals. The lake’s striking color behind her contrasted with her aura. There was nothing extraordinary about her appearance, and yet she was glowing. That energy that Delphine felt the first time they danced, she felt it all over again, pulling her closer. 

She glanced at Sammy, who was smiling broadly at her, all fancy in his suit. He was right… they ended up together and he was sure of it every step of the way. He was the first to find out about this wedding, as promised. 

Her eyes shifted to where she would be, to where Chelsea was supposed to be. For a second she imagined her standing there, waiting to be by her side in this momentous time. She saw her smiling, all proud and happy for her. And she knew she was. 

When they reached the altar, her father let her go, kissing her cheek, smiling just as proudly at her as before. She glanced at her mother, who had the same expression, most probably the same thoughts running through her head. 

And then, she stepped up, facing Cosima. There it was. Her dream girl, in front of her. 

She never dreamed necessarily of marrying someone, a specific type of a person, of having a house with a lot of animals; but she did dream of having someone who accepted her, who loved her for who she was and nothing more. She dreamed of being loved, in the purest sense of it. 

Cosima’s light emerald eyes smiled back at her. 

And they would for a long time, until their color would fade away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... I can say with utmost honesty that this story has been an amazing ride for me, from when I started writing it, to replying to lovely comments and to finish posting it. It is of great importance to me, this fanfic, and I am so happy it was received so well. I've said it so many times and I'll continue saying it, because I truly mean it: thank you! A million times, thank you.


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